I'm still with friends after the game. Hanging out, a few beers, just BSing, fun. I have a busy work week so that'll tie me up a bit. I do have after work plans for a few days. If nothing else a nice drive seems to help clear the mind.
I know I have posted quite a bit about W texts. I do it for advice on replies. I feel the communication is good and I do like to hear from her. I try to be supportive since lately it's been about her mom, W stress, worries. I don't want to be needy, clingy, or too excited or express too many emotions. I'm not sure why she is confiding on me and telling me things. I get confused but try to stay focused. Difficult.
I have not talked to MIL. I have no real knowledge of what her and W talked about. If MIL wants to call me about it I will hear her out.
I'm not sure 180 or "as if" attitude will hit her too much. I'm not sure. I know they help me. But it seems like I don't care or I'm not trying for her anymore. A few told me to pursue some, she wants it. Others asked if I'm still reading and working on me. She needs a reality check and time. I need time to continue my work on me. I'm afraid of we spend too much more time away from each other the worse it will be. Same for the length of the affair.
In which areas do you wish to develop? Try listing some of the areas of 180s that you see right now. (I already suggested Dale Carnegie as a starter)
Originally Posted By: BH
I have not talked to MIL. I have no real knowledge of what her and W talked about. If MIL wants to call me about it I will hear her out.
But try not to interrogate her! Do not ask her questions! Some in here might say do NOT even talk to her but I think that will be too much to ask of you. Listen to her without asking questions.
You are in charge here and if you want advice you will get it in here but you need to surrender more information about YOU! What is your opinion on the list I posted some days ago? Have you looked into the questions I asked you?
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Issues with W and M. Intimacy-sexual and talking, basically all levels if intimacy. Like we used to. We had sex regularly and were trying to have a baby.
Communication-expressing my feelings like I used to, listening/really hearing, not interrupting or getting defensive. This is getting better.
Not allowing myself to close off. Be open like I was. We both would close off when stressed or depressed.
Quality time. I'd focus on work too much and our time together became time together, not quality all the time.
These were the issues. Ask questions if need be. I'll think about me more.
Use this interaction to shine, BH! Listen and validate W. Just let her know that you're available to support her and she knows where to get a hold of you.
I'm going to copy and paste some validating statements that I've kept in a file. You might find them helpful.
____________________________________________
"Sorry I interrupted you, I value what you have to say, please continue."
"You may be right."
For surprising information: "Wow, you think (my computer time was deterimental to the kids)?"
For new info: "Gosh, I didn't realize you thought (I was neglecting the family)."
"I hadn't thought of it that way" "I can see how it would feel that way" "I do care. Tell me more about what you're going through" "I am gonna have to think about that a little more" "Hmmm, so you are saying xxx. Let me think about that" "I can see you're really serious about this" "I see this is important to you" "I'd like to respond to you when I'm feeling a little less emotional about this" "I understand why you might feel that way" "Gee, I'm so sorry that made you feel unloved. I never stopped loving you, but I guess I didn't express myself well enough." "Gee, it must have felt terrible to think that" "I am sorry that you feel that way" "I appreciate you being so open and honest with me"
Try and use "Would, will" statements. Do not say "should, could" if you can!!
"Wow, that's a lot to deal with" "That sounds discouraging" "That sounds like it would really hurt" "It sounds like you are really feeling xxxxx" "It sounds like xxxxx is really important to you" "I can see that you are really upset" "Would you like to talk about it" "That really bothered you, didn't it?" "How did you feel when xxxxxx?" "What bothers you the most about it" "What would help you feel better" "I can see you are really uncomfortable about this" "I can understand why you would be upset" "So, you really felt insulted (or whatever emotion), is that it"
If W talks, just listen. Keep your questions impersonal.
WAS: I saw our friend Bob yesterday. You: Oh? How is he doing?
WAS: I went out to that bar last weekend. You: Did you have a good time?
WAS: I'm going to Tennessee this weekend. You: Ok, I hope you have a nice time.
If W asks you questions, answer but be vague--don't launch into huge details.
WAS: How was your weekend? You: Great, went out with some friends and had a good time.
WAS: Where were you last night? You: I was at the gym.
WAS: What are you doing tonight? You: Probably going out to dinner.
Validate her feelings, let her know you agree with her when that is true, but avoid criticism when you don't agree. you don't have to pretend to agree if you think she's wrong, but you can say it in a diplomatic way, like "I think differently, but I understand your reasons for feeling that way." (and then don't continue to argue about it.)
It is the crazy dance...hot and cold. WAS get close to you and they get scared so they pull back not to get your hopes up. Which is why we all emphasize detachment and focusing on YOU.
I'd wait for next text from W. Let W take the lead as it is her mother and she's focused on her right now. It isn't about you at all.
