Here I Am Again!

[Missmygirl]

It's been a long time since I was last on these boards. So long, in fact, that I couldn't remember my screen name or my password, so I've adopted a new name that accurately reflects my feelings today.

After spending many, many hours here last year reading and posting, I started to feel that I was becoming consumed with the disfunction in my marriage with my wife, whom I will refer to from here on out as "E". The steady decline in the frequency of communication between us and the increase in tension within our interactions was very distressing for me. I came here to look for solutions and the "silver bullet" that would get us back together as a closely knit couple.

When I didn't find that silver bullet here, I searched elsewhere. I've read book after book on marriage relationships. I've visited forums and websites in search of a formula or tool that would help me and my wife become close again. I am here to tell you that silver bullet doesn't exist.

I have tried all kinds of changes and approaches. So many different ones, that E says it's like I keep trying on different outfits at a clothing store. She never knows what I will step out of the changing room wearing and she doesn't think she knows who I am anymore.

What I have learned is this... change to get a response in E isn't good. That's not why I am supposed to change. I am supposed to change because I recognize a flaw in myself, either because I see it first, or E has pointed it out to me. I am supposed to change because I want to be a good husband and friend to her, NOT because I want her to do something in return.

After looking back on all the things I have tried, I have realized that there is one thing I haven't, and that is to change myself because I recognize my failures and flaws and I OWN them.

If I can encourage you all here to do ONE thing, it is this... PLEASE see your faults and failings and recognize them as YOURS. Look at your failed marriage and take ownership for what YOU have done wrong and do your absolute best to stop focusing on your spouse's faults. Then make the changes you KNOW you need to make in yourself. NOT to effect any response from your husband or wife, but to make yourself into the partner that they have hoped for you to be.

Our relationship is really messed up. I have looked at E as the source of our problems and she has looked at me as the source. In doing so, we both have maintained our positions and neither one of us has corrected the course of our failing marriage. Because of this, in tears, E has told me that she needs to be separated from me. I know this means at least a separation. It very well likely means a divorce. She is in pain and I am the source of that pain. She says she needs space and time away from me to heal.

I am a slow learner. Please don't follow in my footsteps. Change yourself. No expectations of ANYTHING in return from your spouse. Don't try to change them. If you try to do that, you will communicate to them that you don't love them and accept them as they are. You want to be loved unconditionally. Your spouse feels the same.

[Missmygirl]

After E told me how she wanted to get away from me this past week, I told her I would start sleeping in our guest BR to give her some space and she thanked me.

I travel a lot for my work. Basically, I am gone for a week and home a week. This week, while traveling, I have made sure that I don't call her. We have texted a couple of times, but I have basically tried to go NC with her. Previously, I would have done this to see how she would react or to get a certain response. Not anymore. I am doing it because it gives her the space for which she has asked me. I do it because it will help her feel less pressured by me.

The only obvious effect my reduction in comm has had is a reduction in comm between us. The texts we have exchanged have been logistical stuff sprinkled with cordial statements like, "I hope you have a good flight". All stuff you might say to your neighbor or friend. There are no exchanges of affection between us.

E has said she would like to be friends. That she would like to be able to do stuff together. Things like take vacations together with our daughters. I don't know how this would work, but I said, "OK".

Do any of you take vacations or do things with your spouses like that even after they have told you they don't love you anymore and don't want to be married to you?

[AnotherStander]

Great post, it took you a while but you're finally getting what DB'ing is all about Now that you're back, read DR again. Begin with a beginner's mind! Give your W time and space. It's not too late. Work on yourself, fix your problems, let your W take care of hers. She's on her own journey.

[Missmygirl]

It's been about 3 weeks since my last update here. Before I left on my last business trip, E had told me that she wanted a separation. She needed space from me. I listened to what she had to say and really didn't respond with much. What was there to say? I told her that I wished she wouldn't leave, but I would respect her request. I left for my trip and didn't communicate with her much while I was away. I figured I needed to get used to being on my own.

I returned home from my trip and didn't say anything to her about us. I really felt there was nothing more to say. I went about my day, spent time with our daughters and pretty much kept myself away from E. I was nice, but didn't go out of my way.

As I was getting ready to head to our guest bedroom for the night, she called me aside and told me she wanted to "try again". I said, "ok".

I don't really know what she means by "trying". E's approach at fixing things in our relationship has always been to bury it and pretend that it didn't happen.

Any time I have ever tried to talk to her, addressing something that she and I disagree about, she gets irritated, upset and withdraws. Nothing gets solved. This happens even when our disagreement is about something quite trivial. She logs it as another sign of the demise of our relationship. For the past couple of years, she has become quite critical and says things that reveal her contempt for me. It seems that we can't talk about anything without it being a bad experience for her.

How do you fix anything if you just try to pretend that it didn't happen? We all know that we don't forget stuff that our spouses do that upset us. E is VERY good at bringing out the catalog that lists all of my offenses. If she's not willing to forgive, this marriage is doomed to failure.

Do any of you live with a spouse who just can't seem to deal with any disagreement that happens to arise? I am trying to keep building a bridge back to E without actually approaching her, since I don't want her to feel pressured. This is a very delicate dance.

It's been almost 3 years since our marriage took a very abrupt turn south. This is getting very tiring. At times, I just want to call it quits and move on. That's always an option, but wouldn't it be better for both of us to accept each other, stop tearing each other down and start encouraging, protecting and lifting each other up? Our daughters are watching and will be learning a great deal in the process. Which ever way it ends up going. I sincerely hope they learn that a good marriage isn't just a mirage.

[Missmygirl]

To help you understand what I am dealing with, about 3 years ago, E took up with a group of friends who like to go out a lot. They are from her home country and so she feels quite close to them. She has essentially replaced me with her friends. The stuff that bothers me is the increase in her drinking and staying out late at night. Dance clubs and bars. Not telling me anything about where she is going. Only saying she's "going out". Not coming home until sometimes 5 or 6 am. I have been quite critical of this as most any spouse would be.

She seems to be trying to prove to me that she cannot and will not be controlled. She even sent me a pic of the guy from the Dos Equis ads. You know... the guy who says, "Stay thirsty, my friends". In this pic he says, "If you can't control your woman... then you have found a good one"!

My challenges this week have been:

Saying nothing after she came in from another night with her friends. I have no idea where they were. One of our daughters even asked where she was going and she just told her, "out". E showed up at 12:45 am. An early night. I don't like what she is modeling for our girls.

Today, one of her friends asked me (in front of E) if I was going with them on Saturday night. Seems everyone is going out. Husbands included. E never told me. Trying to navigate this one without an argument. As soon as I said something to her later. (She complains that I am not straightforward with her), I could see her becoming defensive. So, I said what I felt and what I thought and then dropped it.

She claims that she didn't know the guys were going too. I don't believe her.

[MrBond]

When you were here last, did you read DB or DR?

If she's willing to try, the two of you need a full open conversation that lays out all of your grievances.

[Missmygirl]

Mr. Bond, thanks for responding. I always enjoy hearing what you have to say.

I have a copy of DR and have read it from cover to cover. I also have a DVD set by Michelle. I will read DR again on my next trip. I am sure I will continue to learn.

I agree with you that we need to have a full open conversation. However, I don't know how to approach her to have this discussion without her becoming defensive and the whole thing spiraling down to disaster. She really avoids talking about our relationship because afterwards she says she feels pressured and anxious and that our situation is hopeless. I get told that I am controlling and judgmental. I think only a third party witness could give an accurate assessment of that.

I think that we could very easily lay out our grievances. She does that quite often. I used to, but lately I have been biting my tongue. I am spending lots of time picking and choosing what fights are worth fighting. Coming up with solutions that are acceptable to both of us seems to be the problem. She seems to feel that any compromise on her part constitutes surrender to my "control". It's very frustrating. It's like "playing chicken" with someone who has nothing to lose. I feel she's ready to blow everything up at the slightest infraction on my part.

Everyone, thanks for reading. Most of this is just me letting off steam. I know it doesn't solve the problem, but it helps. I am looking to you all to hold me accountable for my mis-steps, mistakes, and blatant poor choices when you see them written down here.

Thanks.

[Rick1963]

Not sure why u think u need to control her? Are u controlling? Please read Sandis rules.

[paul19510]

MMG, let m ask you, what do YOU want? My sitch is very young, but not so young. we've been going through the issues for years. She just recently moved out. But, I now have to ask myself the same question. she says she "needs to find herself.." in the meantime, I'm GAL and I did this successfully for the past 12 months as well. having built a life apart from W has really helped. I added more stuff to it when she left in Dec. Still moving along. but the ultimate question for each of us (you and me) is "What do I want...?"

Do you want a W and Partner this is acting this way? perhaps, perhaps not. mine is obsessed with horses and basically blew us all off for her activities despite my asking her not to. Your W seems to have other things that keep her away. I encourage you to read Sandi's rules. Don't do them to get a response from your WAS, do them to get healthy and detach from her.

If she doesn't want to participate in family life or wants to act like a college girl, move beyond her and leave her in the dust (figure of speech). The best revenge is a life well lived. maybe she misses you, maybe not. Either way you win because, your life is going to ROCK!

Trust me, I'm still new at this, but, I now see some of my life in your sitch and I can clearly see what I need for my own health and that of my kids.

[Missmygirl]

It's not so much the going out that bothers me. It's the fact that she refuses to let me know where she is going and when she's planning to be back. I look at it as a safety issue. She says it's me trying to control her. I disagree. I say it's because it's a smart thing to do. Her own life is evidence of this. She told me a story of her once being raped after going clubbing back in her home country when she was a teen. If I bring this up with her, she gets angry with me and says I'm treating her like a child.