Newbies introduce yourself /moderation notes

[newyork]

Hello all, I'm new to the site looking to gain some knowledge and have some questions answered by all.

[Dylis]

Hi.
Wife married 6.5 years and my husband wants a divorce. I'm devastated and I don't think that's what he really wants. He's basing his decision from one (maybe two) overheated situation(s) and I feel he hasn't thought this through. Would love to speak to a coach but I only have $1 (literally) in my possession, so obviously can't afford it. So turning to the forum for some guidance because I figure some help is better than no help. Currently reading The Divorce Remedy and it has given me great hope. I'm at Step 5 doing the Last-Resort Technique. Divorce has not been filed (yet), but we are physically separated and I have received a Marital Settlement Agreement from his attorney in the mail (and I'm afraid and don't want to send it back).

[allofus]

Hello, I'm new here. Guess I'm stating the obvious since I'm posting in this thread. lol

It's been a rough couple of months for me. A lot of things I didn't see coming, some I did. My wife and I have been together for the better part of 14 years now. Married for the last 10. We have three young boys, 7,4,3. We had celebrated our 10 year anniversary on september 27, 2013. Things were going very well for us. We sold our two bedroom townhouse in october 2013 and moved in with her parents. Things seemed to be ok, considering the circumstance and the stress of living in a place neither of us really wanted to be, but it was a necessary move for financial reasons. Our commutes got longer to and from work because of the move.

I'm not sure where things started to drift apart for her, but she asked me for a divorce on novemeber 24th. Right before thanksgiving. The day before thanksgiving I got laid off from my job. We were suppose to go to my family for thanksgiving and she decided to not to go. I took the boys with me. After I returned, I slept on the couch in the basement for the next few days. We didn't talk much at all.

December 1st is when I moved out. I went and stayed with a couple of friends nearby so I could be close for the boys. After a few days, we talked on the phone and agreed that I would move back to keep things "normal" for the boys through the holidays. It was tough, but we made it through. We had good days and bad days. Some days it seemed as though we would be able to work things out somehow and others it was as if I should have never come back.

After the New Year, she approached me to talk about things. She brought up the idea of going to discernment counseling to see if we could work things out and I agreed. We each had initial phone consultations and agreed that we would do the counseling. The counselor that I spoke to referred the Divorce Remedy to me and I started reading the first chapter online. When my wife came back I was still reading it and she asked about it and asked if I was going to get it. I said I was and she read the first chapter that night. She did say she would like to read it as well. A day later she told me that she did not want to do the counseling and that she wanted the divorce. I'm reading the book anyway.

Before the book arrived (and I later found out the mistake I made) I asked her to reconsider her decision to get the counseling. She said she felt like she was backed into a corner and felt trapped. We got passed that part of it and continued to talk about why this was happening and it stems from years of unresolved issues. Some little things and one big thing.

As embarrassing as it is, I'm going to throw out the big issue. We had problems getting pregnant. With our first child, we were about to start artificial insemination treatments and were surprised to find out that she was pregnant without it. We were over the moon that we were going to have our first child. When he was about 2 we started trying again. Our sex life was good until then. It started to become mechanical, orchestrated, a chore and not fun, at least for me. I was having a hard time getting excited about sex. I made the mistake of trying to find something to get me into the mood on my own. For some reason I had the idea of trying on a couple pairs of her panties and taking pictures of myself. Big mistake. It didn't work for me, but we did end up getting pregnant with our second child. A few months after he was born, she found the pictures. As well as some others of women that I had. They were on a disc in the computer. She was devastated, hurt and sickened by the photos. I assured her that I was not having an affair, physical or online, and that I had not sent them to anyone. She asked me to move out. Which I did, I thought our marriage was over then. We worked things out and I moved back. The day I moved back in we made love for the first time in a very long time. It was the best sex we had ever had. It wasn't just make up sex, it was passionate and intimate. That day was the closest I had felt to her in a long time. Nine months later, we had another son. However, our sex life never recovered. And we also didn't mention the pictures again.

About a year ago, we were going through a drifting apart phase and divorce was brought up then. We agreed to see a counselor to work things out. We did go for a few months and things were getting better. We were working on the little things, as the counselor put it: take care of the drops before the bucket fills up. Which we did.

Back to our last conversation, when I asked her to reconsider, we did end up talking about the pictures. I explained to her why I did it. I guess this is the first time we really talked about that problem in depth with each other. Another big mistake. We took too long to deal with that. She explained to me that a part of her had died because of that. I have a heavy heart because of this, she said that when we did have sex, it felt like abuse to her. Now I am the one that feels devastated because of what I did to her. I asked her again if she still wanted to read the book and she replied with a sure. It was the kind of sure that felt more like a "yeah, whatever, give it to me and I'll put it on the nightstand as a coaster for awhile."

This conversation happened jan 7. I got the book on jan 16th and started reading that night. We still live together. We live our days as though things are "normal." We have dinner as a family, we talk about things, go places as a family, etc. We give each other moral support with things going on in our lives such as work and school. The only major difference now is I sleep in the basement. After the boys are in bed, she will come down and we will chat. Not about what is going on or what we are going to do and how we are going to do it. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I guess I'm not quite sure what techniques I should use in this situation.

I can say this for sure. I have started working on myself. I've made the decision that no matter what happens, I'm going to make me feel good about myself. I guess my biggest concern outside of working on myself is where to begin with the techniques in the book. Where do I begin? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'm not sure if this all made sense, I was just writing things as they came to me. I'm sure there are some holes that I would be happy to fill in if anything is unclear. I just want to to what is in the best interest of saving my marriage and getting to a place that is healthy for both of us.

[KarenR]

I am sorry for your situation, but glad you found this site. You didn't say if you continued the counseling, but I assume you didn't or I think you would of dealt with the 'issue' that hasn't been resolved. I hope that you talk to one of the DB coaches, as they are experts in helping you understand what needs to be done to get your marriage back on track. The book is great, but each situation is so unique, that having an expert guide you is a fantastic opportunity. I would look forward to talk to you.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Cali Dreaming,

I'm sorry you find yourself here but you will be inundated with wonderful advice. I agree with you-it can be a bit confusing as my h complained of showing no affection. I think the key is to see what feels right and be consistent. A little confusing I know, but it's not an exact one size fits all. Take care of yourself and work on you. I

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Allofus,

I'm sorry you find yourself here but you will receive tremendous support and advice here. It is a difficult place to be, but you can and will get through this.

I may be lambasted for this but I'm prepared. The comment of "a part of me died" sounds so "final." Don't be frightened off by that phrase. The human spirit is amazingly resilient and we all have thresholds. That is just a way of saying I was shocked/terribly disappointed/ devastated. I point this out because some folks view that term as "finality" and you can survive and thrive. I'm not minimizing her pain, but just noting the word choice.

Take care of yourself and listen to the experts here. They are wonderful!

[allofus]

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right spot or not, but today was not a good day for me. It was hard to keep a positive attitude. Especially, with my boys. I was angry a lot today and unfortunately, they felt some of it. When I took them to karate lessons tonight, I took a deep breath and I apologized to each of them for my attitude today. I felt better with them for the rest of the evening.

When she got home and came downstairs, I felt like she was invading my space. It was tense. Our conversation was light and pleasant for the most part, but it was tense to say the least. We sat in silence for most of the evening watching t.v. I guess I would have preferred her to not come down at all tonight. Tomorrow WILL be a better day for me.

[Wadad]

Hello
I am a stay at home dad, married 10.5 years (after being best friends for 7 more years and dating for 5ish) with 4 children, 9,7,4,and 2. Until the early morning after Christmas Day, I though I had a very strong marriage and a happy wife, but that morning she told me that she didn't want to be married anymore, and couldn't give any more details. I offered to give it time or try counseling and she just shook her head no sadly. Also I got ILYBINILWY. I found out later her main issue that has been building for some time is that living with me stresses her out (it couldn't be her stressful job with a boss she hates, or having 4 children under 10, or the three dogs she just had to get a few months ago (only two of them were new)) She also thinks that I yell to much at the kids, not screaming at them but still... and I have to admit that is probably true. We've always talked about everything or I though yet she hid these feelings for years apparently, never once commenting on it, and last July on our 10th anniversary I even took her out and asked her if she had any problems with our relationship, because I wanted it to last another 10, but she said it was great and had no problems. We've talked about it a few times since, but I realize now those were probably mistakes, my logic may have been sound but it doesn't matter here. She did say that I had been a great husband and that we had a pretty good marriage, but when I asked again about why she wouldn't seek counseling, when the cost was so low and the potential so high, she said she just didn't want to make an effort. Her heart is clearly hardened to me. It is also clear that she is sad about how awful this is for me and she desperately want to remain best friends. It even seems hard for her sometimes. She also I think feels guilty that she let it get to this point without ever telling me how she was feeling, but that changes nothing... its like shes locked onto her course now and nothing will dislodge her from it. She keeps saying that it will be better for everyone in the long run, better for her, the kids and even for me. Not likely on most or all of those counts. I am pretty certain that there is no one else in the picture, (which in a strange way, is a shame) though since I didn't see this coming, I may not have the best judgement.

Since I found out I have been trying to get my life in order, to get back in shape, lose weight, I'm back in school finishing my degree, Ive been seeing a Councillor to help be with temper control strategies, and Ive been working on a plan for what I will do for work, if/when a divorce goes through. I have to say that being a stay at home dad, really makes this so much harder, I'm loosing my wife, partner and best friend, at the same time I won't be able to be with my children as much no matter what else happens, and oh yeah, I'm being 'fired' from my job at the same time. Merry Christmas to me.

My wife is still at home with me, in the same bed in fact, and is friendly, but that's all. I think her her mind we're done, and she is just trying to stay friends.

Ive read both books, though it seemed like so much of the info in the was to prevent a marriage from getting to the is point, I have been trying to detach and to get a life but its hard to do with her living here, and only have one car leaves me kinda stuck, except when shes home and it been long hours lately, probably to avoid coming home and seeing me :p but I have at least been getting out and walking most days. The other problem I'm having in detaching is that she has come to me a few times for comfort about her work situation mostly, and i'm not sure whether by comforting her I'm giving her the best of both worlds, a husband-like figure when she needs it but not when she doesn't (and none of the fringe benefits for me).

So this is pretty long, I'm sorry, thanks for reading this far. The one thing I haven't said is that I am absolutely loyal to my family, and I love her so deeply that this is killing me. I'd do anything to set it right, but was never given the chance, to even know there was a problem. And it hurt that she would just throw away a 'pretty good' marriage, a 'great' husband and a best friend into the bargain. Ive given everything I had to her and my children. And this just makes no sense to me, or anyone else Ive talked to about this, including her folks. So hey, anyone have any advice?

[lynny]

Hi I'm new here!

A lil bit about me and my situation: Husband is 28 yrs old...I'm 30 yrs old...we have two boys (6 & 4), we been married for 6 yrs about to be 7 in May.

I met my husband in the military I was an active duty, he still in the military we both was in San Diego. My husband was previously married that marriage last for 6 months, and we met at work, we start dating, we got in a relationship, we got married and start a family like we both wanted. During our first yrs married we had our ups and downs, but I started to have trust issues because he was txting other females inappropriate stuff and I found out and well that's how everything started and also when he met me I was skinny since I was in the military, and since I had the boys I gain weight so I just think he don't like the way I look and I have low self-esteem. Every time we had our problems or fight we always fixed it. We was like this for our first 4 or 5 yrs I was a stay at home mom so every time he come home after work I wanted him to talk to me and spend time with me and that was punching him away. Well it was time for us to move to another state military orders, we came here to Illinois where his from and his family, I didn't want to come here but I set my positive mind and I say let's go let's start a new life so we came here the boys was in school and daycare, I found a full time job, I met new friends and all that good stuff I wasn't doing back in San Diego. For the first time I felt good about myself and my marriage and we was good, every time he needed a "me time" I gave him his space etc. Last year on my birthday he got drunk and he txt one of my son teacher from daycare some crazy stuff and I saw it and it pissed me off I was upset about it, I told him he say he was drunk and all that but he didn't say he was sorry, but me to have a good marriage I forgave him and let that in the past. He worked in the city so he had to drive like an hour from work to home and it was a lot so we started planning to move closer to his work and that was the plan, while this he was staying over his aunty house during the week and he was coming home Friday, Saturday and sunday, so I was at home by myself with the boys and the dog doing everything on my own something that he didn't help me, at one point I told him I feel like a single mother that upset him.

Well I started noticing weird like sad, frustrated and I asked him what's was wrong? and that when he dropped the bomb and he say he need a "break" so I said "ok" and one week later he say we need to separated we can get our own apartments, now this was a lot for me, I was going crazy thinking what just happen? What did I do? all this question was going thru my head....So in December we both got our places and since he wanted to spent time with the boys and be there for them he decided to take the boys with him. So, we officially starting living separate since jan 1st yeah on my birthday. And two weeks later he called me and ask me how I feel about all this I say that I'm still hurt and confused about all this, he say he like it, he enjoy be at home with the boys, etc.

Now the reason for all this is cause he never enjoy his life since he was married before right after high school and then me so he haven't enjoy life and that's what he want and he sound so selfish, so now he mentioned the "D" words something that it wasn't it my plans or our plans. We talked the other day and he say he's confused about all this, that he talked to the boys and he started crying about the whole situation. We talked yesterday he told me he's enjoy life now, that he like it cause he don't have to check in with me and all that stuff that he can be himself. And he also telling me if we going back to San Diego that I'm going to be my old self, I told him why he have to think negative to don't think that way, that since I been here I changed a lot I noticed that I matured more since I been here. But he still have his doubt about it.

We was talking and we was bringing some stuff and he say that's the reason that push me to get the "D" words so I stop we got done talking, and after work I went a bought the Divorce Remedy book and I started reading the book and I started feeling better since I start reading the book I haven't finished the book yet cause I'm at work. But so far is like the book is talking to me, and instead of blaming him and making him to change himself, I noticed is me that need to change and maybe with a change I get to bring him back cause I do want to fix my marriage and be a happy family with our kids.

So, let's see what's gonna happen but I want my husband back and my family together again.

Any advice?

Thanks,
Lynny

[TipAnna]

New to the site. Been married for 7 years, no children and I'm looking for some support and advice to try stopping my divorce and hopefully, save my relationship after infidelity. I'm in the process of reading DR but I had to jump to the LRT as he clearly stated this past week that he's not in love with me anymore, wants to be with the OW, and is not willing to work on our relationship at all. Trying to make sense of all of it, and my first thread hasn't been posted yet, so I'm being patient..looking forward to sharing.