Here I Am Again!

[Missmygirl]

Finally figured out my old handle here. If any of you are curious about my situation, you can look up Pathfinder2.

[Missmygirl]

Looks like I'm finally off moderation here. That's nice.

Today has been especially trying. Last night, I had a talk with E. Her stance can be simply summed up by saying that she wants to go anywhere/do anything she chooses no matter with whom. No questions asked. She should be able to go out to night clubs with her girlfriends. Come in at any time she wishes and I should have no problem with any of it. She says she is doing nothing wrong and she says she feels like I'm treating her like a child.

Today, we continued talking. It seems we can't agree on anything. Even simple day to day matters cause disagreements which lead to arguments unless one of us just walks away. You can cut the tension here with a knife.

I took our girls to a movie this afternoon. It was good to get away for a while. Unfortunately, I wasn't really able to enjoy the movie because of being distracted by all of this crap.

Since coming home, she has said almost nothing to me at all while she sweetly engages the girls whenever they talk to her. It doesn't feel good. My plan is to remove myself as much as possible from her because it is stressing me and there is nothing I can do about it.

I leave again for work tomorrow. Gone for a week.

[Missmygirl]

I just moved back to the guest bedroom and I think this time, it's for good. I've HAD it with this crap!

I asked E if we weren't talking anymore. She told me it was best that way. We ended up discussing a separation. I told her we could start the ball rolling after my next trip. As the discussion went further, she then told me she wanted more than 50/50 split time with our girls. I couldn't believe it!! She's already fighting with me over custody of the girls!

I NEVER thought she would do something like this!

I'm beginning to think that I should just file and get this sh!t over with.

[AnotherStander]

Before I left on my last business trip, E had told me that she wanted a separation. She needed space from me. I listened to what she had to say and really didn't respond with much. What was there to say?

Just say what I did- that you would prefer that she stay and work on the M but if she feels she must leave to be happy then you support her in her decision. Make it clear that YOU are not leaving, SHE needs to leave if she wants to. Also make it clear that while you support her, it is HER decision, you're not going to make it for her.

I told her that I wished she wouldn't leave, but I would respect her request.

Good, that's not too different than what I said.

As I was getting ready to head to our guest bedroom for the night, she called me aside and told me she wanted to "try again". I said, "ok".

Based on the fact that she's still partying late into the night, I don't think she's really committed to it.

E's approach at fixing things in our relationship has always been to bury it and pretend that it didn't happen.

Did you do MC or anything when you had problems before? We're constantly telling people here when they get into piecing- you CANNOT do this right without professional help.

Any time I have ever tried to talk to her, addressing something that she and I disagree about, she gets irritated, upset and withdraws.

That's my W too. We really broke through that when we attended Retrouvaille. Unfortunately she was too far gone for the M to be saved by then.

At times, I just want to call it quits and move on. That's always an option, but wouldn't it be better for both of us to accept each other, stop tearing each other down and start encouraging, protecting and lifting each other up?

Yes, because otherwise the same baggage just gets carried into the next R.

[Missmygirl]

My wife has told me she needs time away from me. She wants to see if she will eventually miss me. She has said we need positive encounters. We could separate and maybe date. She wants a separation, but envisions it as me moving out and getting an apartment. I want to give her the space she seeks, but I don't want to give up my home. I feel that if she wants to remove me from her life, she should also experience the removal of the lifestyle I provide for her. That way, she experiences reality.

Since I travel a lot, I'm going to make sure that when I'm gone on business for up to 10 days at a time, she won't hear from me unless she initiates. When I get home, I'll have my own bedroom and she can keep the master. I'll give her as much space as she wants. I'll go to a friends place. I'll ride my motorcycle, I'll go see a movie. I'll go skiing. I'll do things with our girls. She wants to go out? Fine. Go. I'm going to start living my life.

It's been five days since I left on my latest trip. I've heard from E twice. She was kind enough to text me two pics of our youngest who was on a school field trip that E helped out on. I complimented her on the pics and thanked her for them.

The next day, she texted me to tell me she had purchased two airline tix for some of her family to visit from Europe this summer. We had agreed upon this in advance. I just gave her a simple reply of "ok." I praised her on the low price she found.

Right afterwards, I texted her to let her know I was going to be in Austin for the races in April. She gave me a cordial, short reply.

I'm reading No More Mr Nice Guy. I had put my wife on a pedestal. She's taken advantage of me because I did that. She's not up there anymore. I've removed her. For the past three years, I've run everything I do through the filter of "what will E say", or "will E like this", or " will this make E angry with me". In doing so, I unwittingly gave her total control over me. I became someone she doesn't respect. No more. I still love E, but I have decided that if we are going to remain a couple, things have to be very different. I am still willing to work at this, but she's gonna have to carry some of the burden, too. Right now, I don't think she's willing to do that. I have reached the point where, if she chooses to walk away, I will let her go and wish her well.

[Missmygirl]

AS,

E and I did go to MC about two years ago. She didn't trust the first counselor because I had been seeing him for IC for about two months before he invited her in with me. I had been working with him on jealousy issues. We picked the second counselor together, but E decided she didn't want to see her either because she didn't like the counselor's reaction when I brought up the subject of the OM that was causing problems between us.

So we did go to counseling, but E didn't like either counselor. I have since told her that if she wants to pick a counselor, I will go with her. She hasn't scheduled anything for us and it's been almost a year and a half since then. The funny thing is that if I tell her that I had been working on things by attending counseling, she tells me that it doesn't count because it was for me and not for us. Go figure.

A favorite thing she likes to say to me is that she thinks I'm getting counseling and coaching so that mentally I'm prepared to walk out on her. She feels that there is nothing wrong with her staying out til 5am at clubs and who knows where else. There is also nothing wrong with her having an OM "friend" who hangs out at our place for hours at a time while I'm gone on business, and there's no such thing as an EA. She feels that only a PA is wrong, and she says she's not guilty of that.

What I see over and over again is E trying to push all blame off on me without shouldering any responsibility for our present state.

[Missmygirl]

Paul, my wife doesn't go out a lot. Maybe once every couple of months now. At one point, it was a weekly thing. The problem is that she will head out the door and not say anything about where she's headed. It's always "out". She will say she's going out with the girls, but won't say when she's planning on being back. She also thinks it's ok to just not come home until the next morning. No call. No text. Nothing. It's like having a rebellious teenager to deal with.

I have been thinking a lot about whether or not I want to put up with stuff like this.

I see you wrote that your wife "needs to find herself." I asked my wife what she wants. She told me, "to be happy." E says she's not happy. I ask her if leaving will make her happy. She says, "I don't know." She really doesn't seem to know what she wants. She does seem to know what she DOESN'T want... more of the same life with me!

[planet]

There is also nothing wrong with her having an OM "friend" who hangs out at our place for hours at a time while I'm gone on business, and there's no such thing as an EA. She feels that only a PA is wrong, and she says she's not guilty of that.

OM did the same thing at my place. He thought he's doing a 'noble' thing supporting my W over her unhappiness. Well, he has no right to poke his nose where it did not belong.

I bet in your case the OM is having the same thoughts.

State your boundary if you are not comfortable. Don't make the same mistakes I did.
Anyway, don't give much thoughts on the OM. He's not your problem. Your M is.

[Missmygirl]

Planet, I want you to know I spent a large amount of time reading every one of your posts this week.

Last January, I confronted this OM in front of everyone of our friends while we were at a party being held at a night club. He and I almost exchanged blows. I made it very clear to him that he was not welcome in my house, and I told him to stay away from my wife.

I have told my wife that our children are not to spend time at his home playing with his daughter and that I want her to cut off ALL contact with him.

I also told my wife that if she continued to make room in her life for this OM, there would be no room in my life for her as my wife.

I am, fortunately, in a better place than you are. I am the sole bread winner in our household. My wife is very well taken care of and values her lifestyle. She knows that if she pushes me on this I will back up what I have said with action.

Right now, E thinks I am a controlling SOB. But, I know that the time she respects me is when I stand my ground, no matter how much she tries to get me to capitulate regarding this matter. She has been rude, used sarcasm, given me the silent treatment, argued, and has generally been very unkind. All because she is convinced that I am trying to control her. This is her main complaint about me. I have been doing my absolute best to give her much more space, but the OM is one thing I WILL NOT negotiate on.

What I found interesting is that you mentioned that an EA is generally not acknowledged in Malaysia or in Chinese culture. E has told me that an EA is something she doesn't believe in. she grew up in Central Europe.

I hope things are faring better for you. I'll keep reading your thread.

[planet]

What I found interesting is that you mentioned that an EA is generally not acknowledged in Malaysia or in Chinese culture. E has told me that an EA is something she doesn't believe in. she grew up in Central Europe.

Yeah. I do get blank stares whenever I speak of EA, even to those who speaks english. I have a tougher time translating it into my native tongue.
But it doesn't mean it's less painful than a PA.

I think my XW knows what I meant. I asked if our roles are reversed, how would she feels about it. I got a silence. Coming from someone who likes to be right all the time and argues her way through everything, that means a lot.

Thank you for your continued reading of my posts. Don't know how mine could contribute anything to your situation.