Sandi2's 37 Rules

[bjudge]

Question, has your ways of talking and trying to hold him accountable worked? DB is counterintuitive and it tends to take the R out of the predictable patterns that haven't worked.

With talking no, but how is it fair to me to not hold my W accountable for her actions? Do you put the accountability on the back burner in the infancy stages of BD?

[Upwards]

Question - every time I attempt NC my H contacts me regularly as we have a business together & 2 children, do I answer sometimes and be "unavailable" sometimes or do I completely ignore his calls? When I've completely cut him off in the past its then led to animosity when we do see each other, not sure what to do for the best as we cant have completely NC because of children/business.

[Roberta]

Having no contact with a spouse when work and children are involved is tricky and often impossible. Many people contact our divorce busting coaches for help with this issue. Not only will a DB coach give you proven suggestions for productive conversation, you will also get the support you need to move forward in a positive direction.
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[Upwards]

Having no contact with a spouse when work and children are involved is tricky and often impossible. Many people contact our divorce busting coaches for help with this issue. Not only will a DB coach give you proven suggestions for productive conversation, you will also get the support you need to move forward in a positive direction.
Call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004

Thank you, I wish I was in a position to be able to pay for a DB coach but i'm not

[25yearsmlc]

You may have answered your own question

Question - every time I attempt NC my H contacts me regularly as we have a business together & 2 children, do I answer sometimes and be "unavailable" sometimes or do I completely ignore his calls? When I've completely cut him off in the past its then led to animosity when we do see each other, not sure what to do for the best as we cant have completely NC because of children/business.

So, have contact only about the children or business. Don't engage about other topics, and you need not be rude about that. Simply do not respond to those parts of his texts.

Only answer re: the kids or business. The rest? Either save it for the lawyers, ignore it totally, or tell him you're not prepared to discuss that "at this time". Maybe even ask "what's to discuss?"

His goals are plain enough for now, are they not?

There is no hassle free way to do it, no painless way thru this. But you can minimize your personal pain to an extent.

[Upwards]

So, have contact only about the children or business. Don't engage about other topics, and you need not be rude about that. Simply do not respond to those parts of his texts.

Only answer re: the kids or business. The rest? Either save it for the lawyers, ignore it totally, or tell him you're not prepared to discuss that "at this time". Maybe even ask "what's to discuss?"

His goals are plain enough for now, are they not?

There is no hassle free way to do it, no painless way thru this. But you can minimize your personal pain to an extent.

His goals are unclear at the moment to be honest, he wants to "be friends and see what happens" whilst we both work on ourselves but i've said i'm unwilling to do that whilst he's still in contact with the woman he slept with... i've left that with him.

I also struggle when he wants to talk about our sitch, do I just not talk about it or do I allow him to open up?

Thanks for your input 25yearsmlc.

[25yearsmlc]

you're unwilling to do what, work on yourself or be friends while he is with OW?

Your own work is yours to do, regardless of what he thinks/feels/says/does.

I'd be upbeat, hopeful but expecting the worst. And I'd move forward. Your h knows how to court you and to try and win you back IF THAT DAY COMES,

but it won't if he thinks you are waiting

OR if he believes you are never going to forgive him for OW.

So, you can start swimming to the other shore now, without looking over your shoulders the whole time. When you get to the other side (GAL along the way) you will find your life vastly improved, with or without him.

IF he had died, and the grief had mostly passed, what would you do? Lie down in the fetal position and never get up again? Imagine for jet 3 minutes, your life without him, but with you being happy.

What does it look like? Would you do ANY new hobbies or take classes or move or get a different job? DETAIL this vision...flesh it out.

And now, see if there are any things in this list^^ that you can begin to do, today...

BE the better choice and don't look or ponder OW. That's beneath you if you are becoming your best self, which is your job/responsibilty.

Good luck

[Upwards]

I'm unwilling to "be friends and see what happens" whilst he's in contact with the OW.

I'm absolutely working on myself & moving forwards, there is probably a lot more I could do though so will have a think what else I can do for me. I'm beginning to feel much better (most days) in myself and more positive about my future regardless of my marriage, I'm working on finding myself & it feels good to be slowly feeling more like me again. My H has also noticed and said "he likes who I'm becoming" which is of course a bonus

Thanks for the advice, makes a lot of sense & has given me some things to think about.

[ye21]

Well this is a complicated one but its a very important one...should we be friends or not?
There is a fine line here and we have to be carefull with how we deal with this...could I have a sip of wine while I am in rehab? IMO I see this as we can only do what it feels less painful for us at certain point, if you are not ready to be friends with him just yet....well listen to your needs, you dont have to do it if you consider that you are not ready yet, this is a proccess and its important to accept how we feel at each time...now what he means by friends? It might mean he scare of not knowing what he wants yet and not having you as a friend means he is not going to have you there if he changes his mind....

The important point here is that we dont know what he feels exactly and thinks and since we dont have clarity just be with yourself and patiently the time will give you responses....there is no right or wrong thing to do, there is only you and protect yourself... There is no system to bring them back....just breath and take one day at a time..

[25yearsmlc]

I'm unwilling to "be friends and see what happens" whilst he's in contact with the OW.

Must you tell him ^^this? If so, Why?

Chances are It will sound punitive to him. I know you want to protect yourself but that does not require informing him of your new label. The more you challenge his choices, the more you force him to defend them. Your belief, perhaps, is that you'd be "rewarding" him by not cutting him off. OR he'd be cake eating. But you can keep that cake eating from happening without telling him "you're NOT my friend"...

You are co-parents. It's clearly in the children's interests to behave civilly. Be civil at all times.

Let me repeat that for emphasis, be civil to him at all times. If there is an affront to you, and it is important, then LEAVE. There is no advantage to you in losing your head, no matter what the provocation.

Believe me, I've envisioned many scenarios in which I could "Justify" losing my head. Many...But never have I imagined one in which I benefit... It's just always in OUR interests to maintain our dignity and honor.

I'm absolutely working on myself & moving forwards, there is probably a lot more I could do though so will have a think what else I can do for me.


I'm going to share some ideas with you that helped me. I GAL big time, even in the winter, while we lived in the interior of Alaska, near a small "city". It was not easy or convenient. Neither is divorce or being a single mom forever.

Oh, I had 3 kids including a baby (so you know I get how it's a hassle. But divorce is a bigger hassle.) These are things I did over a 2 year period and they are just that; things I did. But a lot of these things were new to me, fyi.

I was in a place where I knew no one b/c we moved when I was 8 months pregnant with our 3rd child.
Frankly, it was the hardest I have ever worked to just feel alright. But honestly I did feel happy, in time.

The lack of sunlight DID bother me, but it's uniquely hard there, and I took some meds for it in the winter.

Just fyi. Okay here we go and yes I did all of these things and more that I have forgotten.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter. Ended up on the Bd of Directors.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).

I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too. Often and the reviews were quite favorable.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). In fact, I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv in Hollywood. It went very well. (H has still not seen that video)

I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile (aka a "snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding it and it got me outside in the remaining daylight minutes when the older kids got home.

Sometimes the sun would set at 3:30 and I'd rush out before all light was gone, just to get some fresh air outside. For me, the daylight exposure was a big deal.

Learned to fly an airplane, and I got a pilot's license. Very cool, intense.

I was asked to edit a book, which I did. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List in its' genre. Who knew?)

I Worked out 4-5 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape.

Looking good made a world of difference to me. Improved my h's views it seemed.

(Plus I'd just had our last child, and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly cold LONG winters. But really what choice did I have?)

In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with some mild to moderate depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.

Saw a therapist, and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot & still have my cups and vases and fruit bowl).

Joined the Officer's Wives club, after 15 years of active duty.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met 2 women who are life long friends.)

Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking

Except for pilot training, these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

Leaving the house and doing ANY of these things requires overcoming inertia. Sometimes that is the main obstacle....inertia.

Fear and Inertia are the greatest enemies to GAL.

I think those who continue NOT really GAL, if they were honest with themselves and dug deep within,

they'd see that some of their marital issues, lay in their having a RUT in the marriage. And getting out of our ruts, matters. The more you change and GAL the more other changes will come more naturally.

Make sense? These are new behaviors you are learning. Laying new tracks in our brains takes consistency and effort and being "mindful".

I'm beginning to feel much better (most days) in myself and more positive about my future regardless of my marriage,

Good^^, b/c that is KEY to being an appealing person one wants to be around. Not "needing" someone else to "make us happy". B/C of course WE are happy. We're good folks here, loving, funny, smart, kind, into our children, interested and interesting, etc...

Becoming our best selves is a journey we're all supposed to be making. We just tend to forget.

I'm working on finding myself & it feels good to be slowly feeling more like me again. My H has also noticed and said "he likes who I'm becoming" which is of course a bonus

Very nice to hear. Make sure he knows your changes are really just "getting back to YOU" and that you are happy to be returning to yourself as well, not b/c of him or FOR him, but for you...make sense?

Thanks for the advice, makes a lot of sense & has given me some things to think about.

Good luck, I hope you know you really will be more than alright, regardless of his choices.

Flesh out that vision of life without him, but with you being happy.

Can you tell us any of what that would look like?