Can I still save this?

[TipAnna]

Thank you Musterseed.

I just wanted to point out that there is a difference between lovingly detaching and going dark (LRT).

In my case, where there is an A and OW in the picture, I would think that LRT makes more sense as opposed to lovingly detaching. But then again, given his current mental health, maybe lovingly detaching is a better option?

Also I wanted to clarify that being cold could push him away but so will pursuing. The last thing he wants is to feel pressured to make a choice before he is ready and chances are the one who is putting pressure on him will be the one he runs away from.

I am in no way pushy or cold, my issue is maybe that I am being to “understanding” right now…

I read many threads which discuss how to lovingly detach but then there are others who say that "tough love" is the only way to go when he is involved in an A. To me, tough love, means that I will need to be cold and distant with him. Any insight?

That's why you really have to let go of the need to know what will happen right now. I know it is scary, that uncertainty, but if you just trust that things will work out for the best then you can put all your attention into working in you.

I don’t know how to work on me, really. I am not sure what that all means..

[nit84]

Read DR if you haven't yet or reread it

It gives you very good examples of how to do things that will improve you for YOU and eventually become 2nd nature.

This way regardless if the your M is saved or not, you are a better person and will feel better about yourself no matter the outcome.

You want to become a person only a fool would walk away from.

[TipAnna]

I'll be honest and say that I never read the book till the end. It's hard. I flip over from the 180 section to the LRT section and then to Chapter 10 on infidelity. I read and reread Sandi's rules, and constantly go through the threads here for motivation/inspiration. I think I have to start on page 1 tonight and take it from there..

[nit84]

TA, Yes do that it will help immensely. This Forum is based upon the techniques. They don't always work but at least while this roller coaster is going on it gives some guidance.

They really help you look at yourself. The biggest thing for me was realizing that no matter what I can only control myself not what my W does. Also, that even though I had a part in my M failing it is not completely my fault. If the W choses to look outside the M for someone else that is her choice I did not push or force her into it.

And the biggest thing is no matter what happens you will be a stronger more independent person on the other side of this mess with or without your WAS. It gives the control back to YOU for YOUR life.

I have a difficult time with some of these things also you are not alone in that respect but if we can take advice from the vets and apply to our individual sitches we are much better off then if we did nothing.

I look at it this way, back in Aug and again in Oct, My W told me I know you haven't accepted this yet and I have had thoughts of D for awhile.

I told her I agree that our old M is over but I am standing for our new M. If it does not work out I will be just fine no matter what.

I know this to be true because I have worked hard on myself to become a Man that any woman would be a fool to walk away from. I am not there yet but compared to 7 months ago. Wow, do I feel different.

TBH that is why I even attempted to move back because I knew I was going to be able to handle it. Had I done it sooner I don't think I would have been able to cope as well as I am.

Also, I feel I am now ahead of the W in this respect, IMHO she has done nothing but think of the negatives of being M to me, I have gotten help where I think I need it. I am doing things again that I gave up because I was M. I am starting to do things that I have always wanted to do but didn't because I was M.

It does not change the fact that I still love my W and want to stay M to her. She has seen some of this stuff happening and has commented to me about it. Mostly in the negative because she thinks its too late and why now and not before. The answer I give is thanks for noticing that I am doing these things for myself.

When it hurts too much to see her walking around the house ignoring me I go out or I go to my room and close the door.

I try some 180's they seem to work although the 180's make me wonder if they are actually working or if the W feels some guilt and that is why she does some of the things that have changed since our S.

[Roberta]

I see that you have read all the excellent suggestions of the online community. I know you intend to re-read the Divorce Remedy. I strongly suggest that you also speak to a Divorce Busting Coach.
We specialize in helping you focus on your marriage goals and getting your marriage back on track. Having the support and expertise of a DB coach will make a difference. Call me to discuss our Coaching Program 303-444-7004

[mustardseed]

My post was more in response to the seemingly mixed messages that might be confusing. I was confused to and I am sure a DB coach would help you better navigate. However, the point I hoped to make was some suggestions seen to relate more to "going dark" which is part of the LRT, and others are regarding detachment. In the book Michelle makes it clear that LRT is for when it is pretty much over. From what you have posted I get the sense that he is still unsure. Leaning toward S but not quite sure.

I think that before going dark healthy detachment should come first either way. Be a friendly neighbor to him but live your life for you. Throw yourself into work, hobbies, social events, anything. Date yourself. I see you are already doing some GAL. Whenever you find yourself trying to figure him out go find something to do to take your mind off of him. This part is about you. You aren't trying to make him miss you (though that might happen). You aren't trying to punish him (though you no longer should be making things easy for him). Definitely read DR. And books in codependency would also be useful, especially since you are dealing with someone with depression. It is easy to get sucked into their darkness.

The A to me sounds like a symptom. I know it must hurt immensely but try not to think about it. She won't make him happy. She's a distraction. Keep yourself busy so you don't have time to think about it.

[TipAnna]

I just got a text: "I'm OK, I'm not coming home tonight. I'll be home in the morning". I texted back saying "Should I walk the dog in the morning?". He replied, no, I should be home by 9". Which means, no work ..again..he was supposed to be at work this evening. He probably is hooking up with the OW tonight.

I know I shouldn't ask where he was today or what he plans to do tomorrow but his behavior is putting our financial stability in jeopardy. I don't know what to do??

[TipAnna]

OK, so I am thinking that if he is home tonight, that I would talk to him or at least bring up the fact that he crossed the line and did not respect my boundaries. I feel that he needs to know that I strongly believe that he should go to school/work. That his actions are jeopardizing our finances. I also think he should know that although I appreciated him letting me know when he's not coming home, that I cannot accept him being with someone else and don't like being treated like a doormat. Should I discuss this with him?

Or shall i just ignore it and just start planning to leave, not letting him know of my decision..

[TipAnna]

From what you have posted I get the sense that he is still unsure. Leaning toward S but not quite sure.

I am not sure about that. He's with her when they can be. I think he really wants to be with the OW but financially, he can't. Moreover, she still lives with her ex cause she doesn't work. So, when her friend is out of town, they use her place (like yesterday night)..In my twisted mind, I'm thinking that they are waiting for school (it's where they met) to finish end of this month, get jobs, and take off! Which will leave me in a financial mess..hence my paranoia and my need to get out FAST!

[TipAnna]

Guess what? He never came home yesterday. That's two nights in a row. The first night, he texted to let me know. Yesterday, I got nothing. Oddly, I didn't care..it was nice to have the space to myself. I made dinner, took the dog out, went grocery shopping and came home and watched TV till bed.

It's when I got to bed that I tried hard to shut my mind. I started wondering, what have I done to deserve this? Is it really that bad here that he doesn't even want to comer home? or even talk to me?

Then I rationalized that obviously, being away from his troubles, bills, mortgage, responsibilities, consequences, with an OW who comes with no burdens or attachments IS a better life. It's a vacation, and escape..I wonder if this has something to do with his mental health?

Well, enough about him! I, on the other hand, had a nice evening and had a chance to think "what do I want?". Truth is, I don't want all this! This is not who I want to spend the rest of my life with regardless if being alone, childless, etc scares me. If he is not capable of making rational decisions, than I will have to take matters into my own hands and get myself out of this crazy situation..now, where to start..