melissag XII - must. detach.

[melissag]

I neeeeeed to detach!!! auugggghhhh!

How do I do that? I will do anything to just make it happen already.

At least I am past the point where everything H does made me cry. Now everything he does makes me want to punch him. Even little things.

Yesterday I saw him at PT conferences and he asked if I wanted him to go to the basketball game last night bc D9 had invited him. I said, "we have four tickets; it's up to you if you want to come." (I ignored the part about whether I "wanted" him to come bc the answer to that was no, but that seemed rude to say.) He said "OK."

Sooooo . . . I heard nothing more about it. I had the tickets. And I knew D9 wanted him to come, and thought he was coming. So, when I still hadn't heard from him 40 minutes before game time, I had to get in touch with him. (Did I not? I sure would have rather not texted him, but then I imagined somehow it would be my fault when D9 asked why he didn't come.) Yep, he was planning on coming. This is what drove me nuts when we were M. I don't know what he was thinking would happen - would he just show up and then text me to find him somewhere and bring him a ticket? This is why I planned everything. Because he didn't.

Anyway. At the game, he was on his phone, of course covering it up with the side of his hand (not in an overt way but still fairly obvious), and he would laugh out loud and then type something and then laugh some more. (eye roll.) Then at one point he reached over S7 and me to show D9 a photo on his phone. "Guess what this is a photo of, D9?" She didn't know. "It's the moving men putting my pinball machine on the truck to ship it to the Dad Pad."

Even now just thinking about it, it grates on my nerves. Uggghhhhh! Is he trying to show me how cool he is, or annoy me, or is he just THAT much of a self absorbed idiot?

We had some friends in a suite at the game, so I took D9 over and we hung out with them for a bit (in order to get away from H before I clocked him).

So then today, H comes to pick up the kids. He did his usual thing where he refuses to say what he has planned for them until I'm not around. "Hey guys, you should bring sneakers." The kids ask why. "Because. You might need them for something." "What?" they ask. "Something we are going to do that is REALLY FUN." He won't tell them what no matter how many times they ask. Finally I couldn't stop myself from saying, "I guess it's a big secret guys!" He has done this at least 5 times when he picks them up.

And I am annoyed at myself that I let it annoy me. All this stuff.

How do I not let it annoy me?

I feel like I have come full circle. During the M (esp. the past few years), I would get sooooooo annoyed by things H did. It was like I was looking for the negatives.

Then came BD, and all of a sudden, H was on this huge pedestal. And he was so wonderful, and I felt sooooo bad for having been so negative about him. It was all my fault, why did I do that, etc.

And then I realized that, wait a minute, he is no more perfect than I am.

And somehow now I find I am back to being annoyed by things he does. And almost even looking for them again.

Maybe it's because I am trying to disallow the hurt that comes along with the fact that we are actually getting D? Or maybe he's just a really annoying person.

I don't know. But I need to somehow stop it. (1) So I don't drive myself insane; and (2) so I don't let any of it show to my kids (or H).

Help, anyone?

Two other random notes . . .

I didn't have to address the TKD issue because D9 did it herself. As soon as we saw H last night:

D9: Dad, why weren't you at TKD last night?
H: I had a rowing class.
D9: Oh. You know, I don't mean to sound smart alecky, but if you're not going to come to something, you should probably email us and let us know.
H: [i]Oh. OK. Well, I can't come to TKD on Thursday nights because I have a rowing class.

So I guess he found something better to do than TKD with his family . . . ?? Oh well, not my issue.

Second . . . I caught myself trying to prop up the kids R with H again today. They are going to his rowing competition today. (I have no idea who is going to supervise them for the three hours he is warming up and rowing - but I am letting that go.) I suggested that they make signs for Daddy to support him.

Why do I do that?

I mean, it would be one thing if I was totally detached and just thought of a nice idea. But no, I encouraged that because I know H will like it and it will pump up his ego and make him feel loved and that will help his R with the kids.

(It's kind of like how I used to tell them to run downstairs and give H a big hug when he came home from work.)

Sigh. I feel all kinds of messed up today.

On the plus side, I am about halfway done putting together our foosball table, although the directions say it takes two adults to do it. Ha! I feel cool.

[melissag]

Oops. Forgot to link to last thread.

melissag XII- getting divorced

[Lifes Twists]

Hi melissag,

I found detaching difficult as well. The thing that is working for me is to stop dwelling on the situation as much as I was. I remind myself now everyday to slow down looking up advice online, talking to others seeking advice, to focus less on the situ and more on me and improving myself. Its hard, because like everyone else, I hope to find that magic solution. I keep reminding myself that this is a marathon and not a race.

[Missmygirl]

Mel,

I have no magic potion to share with you. You love your husband. And that's why you hurt. Don't be hard on yourself. All wounds take time to heal. You WILL heal... It takes time.

I wish I was there to help you on the table.

[OneDay]

I neeeeeed to detach!!! auugggghhhh!
Anyway. At the game, he was on his phone, of course covering it up with the side of his hand (not in an overt way but still fairly obvious), and he would laugh out loud and then type something and then laugh some more. (eye roll.) Then at one point he reached over S7 and me to show D9 a photo on his phone. "Guess what this is a photo of, D9?" She didn't know. "It's the moving men putting my pinball machine on the truck to ship it to the Dad Pad."

Even now just thinking about it, it grates on my nerves. Uggghhhhh! Is he trying to show me how cool he is, or annoy me, or is he just THAT much of a self absorbed idiot?

The Dad Pad, "Really?" Is that seriously what he calls it? That is the farthest thing from cool. He was acting like and A$$. A complete A$$, and should not have done that in front of your kids. Im literally Pi$$ed at him right now for doing that.

I would suggest saying something to him about this. Your D9 and S7 knew exactly what he was doing, and they do not need to be put in the middle of this. Im sure they didn't think it was funny at all. They dont want there to be a Dad Pad and Mom Pad, thats for sure. They want their mom and dad to be in the same pad.

One question? Why do you keep going to these games and other places with ?

[melissag]

Thanks, guys. You are right, MMG. And when I read your post I realized it. Somehow, for the past week, since H sent his "next steps" email where he informed me that he is the happiest he has ever been, complete with all caps multiple REALLYs, I have managed not to feel hurt by it. I think I was so shocked that he would say those things, and I almost just laughed at it - like, who the heck SAYS that? Who is this person and what did he do with my H?

So maybe it took a bit to hit me. Ouch. I mean REALLY REALLY, ouch. Maybe the most hurt I have been in my life.

I should be used to these backwards steps, but I still hate them. I'm telling myself this has nothing to do with me, and I can't even be hurt by H's words because he is just messed up and incredibly self absorbed . . . but I am not believing any of that yet.

Yes, it's a marathon. And I am still just getting started. It's just unbelievable, given how far I have come already, that I still have so much farther to go. Sometimes it feels never-ending.

OD, yes. He calls his apartment "The Dad Pad." I don't know when he thought up such a clever little nickname, but he shared it with the kids about 5 minutes after we told them he was moving out - to drum up excitement about it, I guess. So yeah, that's what he calls it. And he calls it that TO ME. When kids aren't even around. As if it's not offensive.

The kids accept it for now because H told them when he moved out, that he would be back in six months, and has yet to tell them otherwise. Even now, though, my kids, especially my S7, complain about it. To me. Not to H.

We went to the game last night because we had bought tickets, pre-BD, to about a dozen games. We had four tickets to this game, and D9 invited H. I couldn't really say he couldn't come because (a) I don't think it's fair to my D9; and (b) they are just as much his tickets as mine. So I figured I would just have fun with my kids and be friendly with my H. In the past we have done this, and it was fun, but I think that his email last weekend really hurt me more than I realized, and makes me just not want to have anything to do with him right now.

[Missmygirl]

Mel,

Are you doing anything for the big game? I haven't dug back into your posts yet, so if you've already mentioned it, I apologize.

I invited a friend of mine over to our place to watch the game with me. He's the husband of one of my wife's friends and he and his wife have been going through the same kind of crap we all are who are here. His wife and mine enable each other.

We are going to forget about our wives for the evening, eat what WE want, drink what WE want and generally have a GREAT time!

I miss being close to my wife, but I know I can't just put my life on hold til she returns emotionally. I hope you know that for yourself, too. I really think the best thing for all of us to do here is to press on. We have a destination to reach. Maybe our spouses have decided that destination isn't for them. In that case, we mourn the death of our relationship with them and then move on. Maybe they see us pulling away and then decide they do want to travel with us. Maybe they watch us go and never say a word. I don't know. But I DO know this, I can't stop my journey. I will continue... with or without her.

You seem like a great girl. I really wish your husband would pull his head out. If only he could see who is waiting for him.

[melissag]

Thanks, MMG. We (as in me and the kids) are having a Super Bowl party tomorrow. Just having a few families over with kids and decorating with a ton of orange and blue!

Sad that H (my H, not the person he is now) won't be with us, but I am determined not to bail on anything I would normally do, just because H isn't here. I can't stop living my life, and most importantly, I promised myself that I will NOT miss out on any part of my kids' childhood because I am too consumed with my H or my sitch. That would be the worst possible outcome in my book.

That's great that you have plans for the game, and that you have a RL friend who can relate and empathize! (I sure am jealous of that. Nobody I know is S or D.) I am sure you boys will have fun.

Thanks for the inspiration and kind words. It really helps.

[melissag]

Today's gift from Hazelden resonated with me. Thought I'd post it, in case it helps someone else!

Rarely do climbers stare up to see how far away the top still is. Instead, when they rest, they look down toward the starting point of their journey. The view they see assures them that they have already come a long, long way.

Like the climbers, we need to keep our eyes on where we are and where we've been, not on where we're going. When we become discouraged with the progress of our recovery, we only need to look back over how far we have come. The rewarding view gives us courage to continue. Many of us recall times when we lived without hope and the sense of impending doom. Now we look forward to life with confidence.

[3boymom]

You love your husband. And that's why you hurt.

This is so true. It still amazes me that we love our WAS despite the things that they have said and done. We just cant imagine doing this types of things to people that we love and care about. And even if they say that they dont, I cant imagine that our WAS have stopped loving us like they claim. I just think that it is buried under all the crap that they are telling themselves and us about their great new lives.

I can't stop living my life, and most importantly, I promised myself that I will NOT miss out on any part of my kids' childhood because I am too consumed with my H or my sitch. That would be the worst possible outcome in my book.

Love your outlook here!! Have a BLAST at your party.