Barrybran III - New job, new life?

[Lostforwords]

B,

Be understanding of the venting.....It will go on for a long time (I have a friend whose H cheated about 5 years ago.....and even now she sometimes has to vent). Just kept listening, owning what is yours, and be patient. You did well today, but remember that it will keep happening.

I agree with you that actions are the right way to address a wrong. That said.....How your apology is received may depend on the other persons love language. Some people it may be flowers and others it may be a hug. You need to know what resonates with your wife's love language.

Now for Valentine's day...Give her flowers because you love her. Currently you haven't screwed up...so reinforce in her mind what she means to you.

[Barrybran]

Ok fair enough. The venting went down a slightly different track than I was expecting. She's noticed that I haven't said any "cross words" to her lately and that agreeing with everything she said was "driving her batty". I have no idea how to respond to that. I told her the most productive we've been as a couple was when we discussed our separation (listening, validating, taking turns) than by fighting. I also told her that when she dropped the bomb on me that it made me think about my role and that she's highlighted many faults in me. I mentioned that I felt that addressing my faults was more important than telling her what I felt I didn't like about our relationship.

So I'm a little on my own now. DB isn't going to work here I think. I seem to be back in that grey area between DB and piecing. Yay me. They need a smiley for that time you drop your shoulders and face in frustration cos that's where I am at the moment lol.

[Lostforwords]

Well the "cross words" things is good....It means you are changing your communication patterns. That is a 180 for you.

What she is saying about agreeing to everything is called walking on eggshells. You are agreeing with everything because you don't want to rock the boat. That isn't what a man does. Instead you go with what you are feeling clear and true. This is tough in that you have to find the balance (have you read the book I suggested)of working with her while holding your beliefs.

Using dinner from above...A weaker man would wait for his wife before serving dinner to everyone regardless of the affect on everyone. A stronger man would say:

"I appreciate when we have dinner as a family, but for the sake of the kids schedule I think we need to eat at 6. I know you are doing extra work at the gym, but for the benefit of the kids this is a better option in my opinion."

You state your feelings (dinner together is important), You state your thoughts on how to deal with your feelings (dinner at 6), you validate her hard work (extra gym time), and then you state that this is better for everyone, not just her.

Your wife is screaming that she wants you to man up.....but don't forget that manning up doesn't mean be an a@@.

[Barrybran]

Yeah I've failed in that balance. I am still very confused how being flexible and considering everyone isn't good enough because honestly, it's bullsh!t. But that's women I guess and I'll have to roll with it. Basically I have to be someone I'm not which is ridiculous.

She went on to say that the extra gym stuff was because she doesn't feel like coming home lately and she's confused again. It REALLY doesn't help that my parents are here and I want them to leave now. On the bright side, my wife is sharing her feelings. I don't believe it's practical to fight nor do I believe it's practical to just do what I feel is right because it never is which is what makes her desires all the more confusing. She wants a man but wants something else when he makes a decision. It makes no sense. My dad jokingly calls me Sheldon because of how I see the world and use logic to navigate it. Dealing with my wife is like driving interstate without a GPS; you know roughly where you need to go but without it you could be going down the wrong road and you won't have any clue until you see another sign.

[Lostforwords]

B...It is called marriage my man and if as a man you think that you will someday understand women....I have a great piece of land to sell you in Antarctica right on the beach.

As for your parents....I am getting tired of them being with you. No wonder your wife does not want to come home to them....Just saying. You two are adults......your parents being there all the time kind of takes away from that.

There is a point of being too flexible and considerate. We talked this morning of a date night, Reread that dialogue.

Now, that you have read our previous talk, would you rather have a woman who made a date night happen or a woman who put it off because they were being flexible and considerate?

[Barrybran]

She did acknowledge she'll go in cycles though so I guess I can just ride it out and focus on perking her up. She's talking about never seeing her life the same way (true) but seems to be pessimistic. I asked her what she wants her life to be like in five years. Dunno if it's the right track but I figured thinking about things she wants is better than thinking about things she doesn't want. See how we go.

[Lostforwords]

The pessimism will dissipate over time....The more she trusts that words and actions are for real, the more optimistic she will become.

This is a long road B....Long in the terms of months and years....Not a few weeks.

[Barrybran]

I know. I just have to keep reminding myself that she'll cycle and not panic when she says something pessimistic. She didn't buy into the '5 year' thing which I understand. She's feeling down and can't see through the fog. It'll just be a long day. It's not even midday yet.

I decided to express my feelings about the birthday thing. The birthday itself is not important but the premise is as it's about getting a life. I'll see how she responds. She wants me to say what I think and now I have to assess what's worth saying and what's not. DB was pretty easy in hindsight: listen and respond. This bit is definitely harder.

[Barrybran]

Bloody women. "So you thought I was being selfish?" That's what she took from a very long message. Thanks.

[Lostforwords]

Assessing what is worth saying and what isn't is a huge step...Bigger yet was expressing your feelings on the birthday.

Piecing is harder.....but just a step in the process.