Barrybran III - New job, new life?

[Barrybran]

Hi all

Here's the links to my previous threads:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2410333#Post2410333
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...663#Post2419663

Just to recap, my wife and I are kind of plodding along at the moment. There's no relationship to speak of but we're getting along, she's asking about things I'm doing and doing little things herself which are big changes for her. Recently, we've been discussing purchasing a house though we're nowhere near ready to do so both financially and emotionally. My parents are back with us for a short period and we're sleeping in the same bed though we plan for me to move into the spare room when they leave again. Lastly, I was asked to do a two-week trial at our local Subway store, starting next Monday, with the view of taking over the Store Management. I'm very excited about this and my wife seems excited too.

I went into the store yesterday to speak with the lady I'll be taking over from. She ran through the contract with me as well as some basic store operations. It's only a trial at this stage because the last person she trained up left as soon as she left the store and she had to come back. The manager and owner want to make sure I enjoy the work before committing.

I told my wife when I got home and she was excited but it was also a rough day for her. Telling her I'd make more making sandwiches than she'd make managing a retail store wasn't received well but overall she's happy about the extra money. She took a look at my roster and everyone on it was female, most of them being teenagers. There is one guy that I'm aware of but he's not working over the next two weeks. I don't know what she thought of that but that scares the sh!t out of me. I find it hard enough talking to people my own age let alone people younger than me but adding the fact that most are teenage girls definitely makes me a fish out of water. It usually takes me a long time to get comfortable with people so it'll be an interesting experience.

At the end of the day, it's a job. It gets me out of the house, it provides my wife and I with extra money and despite the fact that I won't be going to the pub with my new teammates, I will get practice at talking to new people. Hopefully, the biggest change will be acquiring balance. I'll also be able to afford new hobbies now!

[Lostforwords]

Liking it B...liking these developments a lot.

Remember that it will take time to rebuild things with the wife...Use this time wisely.

Is there a chance you and the wife can do a date night since the parents are back in town?

[Barrybran]

Chance, yes. Likely, no. She finishes work at 6pm each night, goes to the gym after work a couple of nights a week and when she gets home it's dinner and couch for her. All I can do is suggest it but in all honesty, it's not something I'd expect her to go for.

[Lostforwords]

I am just thinking out loud B, but what if you just made it happen. SO I am suggesting just going out and do this, but why don't you just take the reins.

Line up the babysitters and then just say " I am going out for dinner and movie. I would like you to join me?" No planning....just you taking charge of things. The twist is if she says no....then you go by yourself. No sitting at home moping....and the choice is hers to go out with you or stay home.

Do you see where I am going?

[Barrybran]

I do see where you're going but I think it's more suited to a different situation. If I did it tonight for example, I'd have a wife and parents wondering what got into me, kids crying becase they want to come with me and the only interrogation would come from my parents and not my wife. It's not a situation I want to deal with to be honest.

If I save it for when I'm with my wife alone then I think it would be more positive. Basically, "I can buy you dinner or you're making your own" (different words of course). I think she'd come out but I'd be happy to go on my own.

[Lostforwords]

Makes sense B...but a couple of questions:

You are working on changing yourself....Wouldn't creating wonder be representative of change?

The kids crying does suck.....but their future is build upon the foundation that is your relationship with the wife? I have a house metaphor posted somewhere in the forum about family and relationships....see if you can find it.

Interrogation from the parents....Seriously brother? Are you a man or a teenager? Why can't a guy just go out with his wife LOL (Honestly, I got this before. Even before the breakup...never made sense to me why parents couldn't just have fun with the grandkids and be quiet)

B...as long as your hear my nuggget of advice, then the seed is planted in your head and I am good with that. One thing you will learn if you browse the piecing board is that regular date nights are a must. Now you aren't at piecing, but at the same time you aren't exactly in the depths of h@ll either. The one thing I do really get from your wife is that she wants you to take charge of things....Hence the no planning, let's just do it approach.

Have a great day B.

[Barrybran]

I really don't know how to respond to any of that. Reading and thinking about it has given me a lump in my throat though. I have a lot of deep issues when it comes to taking charge.

Journaling:

Today has been interesting still. I received an email from a company I called up about regarding work in my field. They said my resume had wound up in their junk folder and wrote to let me know they found it and that they'd call in the next couple of weeks as they were looking for people. I'm pretty keen to pursue the Subway job as it's in town but since it's a trial it won't hurt to speak to this other group.

Speaking of Subway, when I was at the grocery store, the lady I'll be taking over from hadn't seen me and was talking about the situation. ie. me coming in, her training me up and then leaving town herself. Since I walked into the store to hand my resume in the whole process has been more about when's than if's and they have me doing the trial more to see if I want to stay than if I'll be able to do the job.

Lately, my wife has been coming home at different times due to work and the gym. I decided to push our dinner time back so the kids had a chance to eat dinner with her. Unfortunately, my wife has returned home later than expected the last couple of nights about half an hour before the kids are due to go to bed. Tonight, I gave up waiting and dished up dinner only for her to walk in the door as I put it on the table. I value dinnertime as family time but my wife doesn't appear to have the same value or interest which I feel is unfair on the kids. Unfortunately, I'm going to bring dinner time forward next week and let my wife work around us instead of the other way round.

After dinner, my wife asked me to redo our budget with my new income. She was happy with the result and we talked about some money things both real and dreams. When we were discussing details about separation we looked into having separate homes and we investigated the option of going on welfare. Tonight, she made a mention that she was glad we didn't have to go down that path anymore. A short while later, she mentioned that she'd like to go away for her 30th birthday with female friends of hers. I have mixed feelings about this as I have friends who take separate holidays away from their spouse as well as holidays with their spouse and I'd love to try it... just not for a major event in our lives. I felt it was pretty disrespectful but I also feel that I'm being disrespectful of her by wanting to take the place of her friends. Thankfully, it's over 18 months away so I'll just treat it as an off the cuff thing for now and deal with it later.

[Lostforwords]

Keep your options open on the job front....Nothing is guaranteed with a trial, so talk with the second company.

Worry about the birthday down the road. That is to far in the future right now to be a priority on the mind.

Kids relate to a consistent schedule better than anything. I would come up with a dinner time for the kids...say 6. Stick with that. I agree that dinner is family time, but now that both of you will be working it will be hard to have a family dinner....better just to have the time consistent.

[Barrybran]

As it turned out, my wife told me this morning she was trying to do extra stuff at the gym, hence her coming home later than expected, so I'm definitely bringing dinner forward next week (she's cooking tonight, and only my parents and I will be here this weekend). She can deal with kids jumping in her lap while trying to eat dinner. At least I'll have them fed, bathed, dressed and ready for bed.

[Barrybran]

Just a thought while it's in my head that I'd like some feedback on. I've been thinking about Valentines Day (got it sorted; marking it but keeping low key) and it made me think of flowers (not getting them). Just now, my wife sent me a text saying that she's replaying everything I've done. She's basically venting but I validated anyway. The thought I had though was about flowers and apologies. As I was entering the dating world I vowed NOT to buy flowers when I stuffed up. I believe in the Pavlov's dog principle and I DON'T want to have my wife think I've done something wrong if I come in with a random bunch of flowers one day. So far, every time I've given my wife flowers its been well received, well, except the day she told me she wanted to separate but I understand why that went the way it did.

So whenever I stuffed up I relied on words and actions to right the wrongs and never gave gifts at these times. I still feel pretty good about this idea but I wanted to know what people thought about flowers and gifts associated with apologies, not in a DB sense (I know that answer) but in a general 'when times are better but I screwed up' way.