Newbies introduce yourself /moderation notes

[FlyOnTheWall]

For those that don't know where to post, start your own thread to get advice. This isn't the place to start your story. Its a sub folder. Help is here, if you can just hit "The Newcomers" and in upper left corner hit "new topic" I believe.

Start with your ages, time married, kids if any. Your situation and why you think your marriage is where it is.

Know that you will be on moderation for a time, meaning your posts wont show up until approved, it will stay that way until you've reached a certain post count. Initially that can take 2-5 days. Be patient with the process, the help your looking for is here. Read and post on other people's thread to spead the process up, it also helps that other people see your thread and will come over and post on yours.

People here want your marriage to work, will give you the tools to hopefully help that process. Theres no guarantees, but you have nothing to lose in trying.

[Roberta]

Whenever you are ready to make your next appointment, please call 303-444-7004. We look forward to hearing from you.

[Roberta]

In Michele Weiner-Davis' book The Divorce Remedy, she discusses sexual addictions. I urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach. Our coaches can help you learn about your husband's behavior and how to help bring about change in your marriage.
Call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004

[JDM]

Hi I am new here and found this site my accident will looking for any information that I can find on the web for guys who's wife has cheated but will not totally end the affair. I found a thread by wont_stop and have since registered. My Boom came on 11-13-13 when my wife of 20 years told me over the phone, while visiting her sister in LA, that she had found someone else. I knew we were having problems and was telling her that I had realized that I has a big part of the problem from some things that I was learning from the bible study that I was attending, and I was apologizing to her for. She said no that she was also the problem and when she told me what she did I would not want to stay with her. Well my heart went into my stomach and I felt sick because I felt I knew what she was going to stay. I pulled my truck into a parking lot. She told me she had started a relationship with a co-worker but it had not went all the way yet but there were some physical acts exchanged. Well I lost it and started crying and the conversation went on and off for several hours. I forgiver her and tell her I don't care and I want to just save our family and work things out. I went home and was up all night I checked up on the OM online and scheduled a flight to LA for later that week. I confront OM on phone next day tell him to leave my W alone.

The time in LA was crazy a lot of crying, mostly me, she was cold and mostly unremorseful. Says that she is dead on the inside or her feelings are gone. I agree to leave LA after a few days to finish a business trip I had scheduled already.

We meet at the end of the week back at our home airport. I am an emotional wreck and I think now make all sorts of mistakes. I am very clingy and upset. I plead and beg. We have a huge fight at one point. Then a week or two later I notice that she is very distant. I send the boys out to get something to eat. I confront her she tells me I am still smothering her and she needs space and does not want to talk about it, but I persist. She admits she has now slept with OM because I pushed her to him because I am so emotional and she needed comfort! I forgive her again. At some point the boys come home and she says his name during the fight. She leaves during the fight. Our boys ask me about the name. I do not answer and say that mom needs to be home to talk about everything and answer questions also. She comes home and the whole truth comes out. This is sometime after Thanksgiving I think early December I had kept everything from them up to that point and did not want them to know. She now blames me for wanting them to know.

Fast forward a little I decide to snoop and set up some voice recorders in the house and hear a couple of conversations between her and OM where she is basically going to hang in for several months to finish some schooling and setup a few things and then leave. I call the marriage counselor because I do not know what to do at this point and think that I no longer want to continue because she had agreed to end the affair and has still been lying. Councilor advising me not to say anything until we are in our next session. I feel like this is a blind side and she would be pissed and I am pissed and can't wait to the for the next session. I call and say that I think it would be better for me to step out of the picture because she is having such a hard time making up her mind. That night I tell her that I heard the conversations she obviously looses it and leaves. She calls later and asks if I am going to fair in the D and I say yes. I had always planned to be. She was my first love and I still never really did not want nor do I want a D now, but on that night I did not no what else to say or do. I had been sleeping on the other side of the house. I wake up with her sitting on my bed. She starts to apologize and goes back and forth from apologizing to accusing me of everything. I have from the begging of all of this admitted my part and felt that affairs take two. My actions caused part of the problem. I was not meeting an emotional need or maybe several. Don't get me wrong she committed the act and going outside the M is never an option, and now I know how much it hurts I would never wish this on ANYONE!!!!!!! She tells me she does not want a divorce and wants to try to work things out. She does not want to throw 20 years away, but is confused and torn with her feelings. It is now the February and the status according to her is she is working out her feelings is not seeing OM and hardly talks to him.

I feel like I am in limbo all of the time. I feel like I am in competition with the OM. I have moved back in to our bedroom for the last two weeks. I just do not know how much more time I am suppose to give her for her to make up her mind. I feel hurt and disrespected by this situation. She has said that one of the past problems with our marriage is that she did not understand why she was not lovable and could not figure out what was wrong with her. I told her not being able to make a decision on this relationship has made me ask the same questions about myself. This is a summary and I have left out a lot of details and facts I am sure, but I am at a loss. I do not want to put my family through a D and I do love my W. She is the only woman that I have ever wanted in my life and every time I think about walking away and loosing our history and what we built I feel lost and sick. Any advise is much appreciated. I have read the list of DBing rules and the 180 concepts and I am getting the book. Thanks in advance this is by far the most painful thing I have ever felt in my life.
JDM

[Sad2D]

Hi,
I am new here bomb 02/02/2014 found this forum 02/04/2014. Seen some really good advice here so figured I could use some. Me and my wife are high school sweethearts and have been together for 13 yrs and married for 3. I am going to start a thread and tell my story and hopefully I will get some advice.

M 30 W 29

[Scorp7]

Hi all, I'm very new here but I definitely could use some support/advice. My wife left and took our three young kids on Oct 3/2013 while I was away at work. I came home and they were gone. She's been living with her parents for the last 4+ months and we've had very little contact in that time. I still love my wife unconditionally and I'm doing everything I can to keep going despite being told it's over and there's no chance to reconcile. Our kids desperately want their Mom and Dad together so I won't give up.

[Lost!]

I'm at a difficult point I never thought I would come to in my marriage. My wife is in physical and emotional affair with a co-worker. She said she will not stop seeng him, but not sure about future with him. He's seven yrs younger than her and a low employee at her office. She's still in full sexual relationship with this OM and told me she won't stop until she's ready to stop.

Let me explain how all this got started. WW and I were married 8 years ago. We were in love and had a 3yrs old daughter after 4 year of marriage. Our marriage is a little complicated due to the distance between us. We spent the first 2yrs apart because of her choice to go to school in a foreign country. She came back to the state after completing the first step of her program. We spent the next 1 year together at home like every other traditional family. she also used the opportunity to Prepared for her professional exam. It took her sometime to pass the exam and had to move to another state for 1 year to complete half of the the second leg of her degree. I visit her every month and pay all the bills, including clothing, shoes and living expenses. She was home for another 3month after completing the 1st year of the second part of her degree, she had to move to another state to complete the last part of her degree.

I was there for her financially and emotionally. I paid all the bills and travel to see her every month. She was home after completing the last part of her degree. I was excited and was looking forward to finally living more like a traditional family. The turn around came when she was rejected to train With her peers due to low score from one of her professional exams. She was depress and moody. I encourage her and reassure her that everything will be okay. We also pray together every night. 1 month after getting this bad news she was offered a fellowship position that will require her to move to another state and also help her join her peers in training. We prayed about it and had some serious conversation on how all this back and forth could affect our marriage. She reassured me that everything will be okay. I supported her and told her to go for it. I supported her finically because the job pay little or nothing. I bought her a brand new car, pay for the day care and other expenses. Her moving this time around was a little different because she had to move with our 3month old little girl. I continued with my usual routine of visiting every month for 1 year.

We finally got some good news last year regarding where she will be going for her training. I drove her for the interview and promise to move with her this time around. We had a good trip, we talked about the future and raising our daughter together. I was happy for her and looking forward to the big day. She spent another week at home after the interview. Everything seems okay. We visited family and friends but only got intimate once. Anyway we had some problem with that. She was more of a freak when we first got married. We get intimate almost everyday . Sometime morning and night. I first notice the draw back from her after the stress of her not able to join her peers for training. We went from getting intimate everyday to once a week. I never complained but supportive because of the stress of her not able to join her peers for training.

She had 4month left on her contract and had to go back to finish her fellowship last November. I immediately saw the shift a week after she left home. She told me about some guy that just got hired in her office. She told me the guy is full of himself and arrogant. I laugh it off and simple told her she like the guy jokingly. She replied by saying no way. I'm married and he's not my type.

Well my world and family came crumbling last December. I spoke to her briefly that afternoon and told her I'll be calling her once I get home from work to buy her and my daughter plane ticket to come home for Christmas. I called/text multiple times without any response that evening. She finally called me back 4hrs later. All I got was "sorry, I saw you called. You can do 5pm for the airline ticket. I'll call you later" I did not hear from her for the rest of the evening . She called me the next day and try engaging me in some small talk. I politely asked her what happened night before and why is she just calling me back. She was very quiet, so I ask her what's going on. She said nothing.

The next thing she said was mind blowing. "I don't think there's anything you can do to make make happy" So I asked her where all this's coming from. I asked if she's seeing another guy. Once again, she gave me the silent treatment and later said yes. We argue all day that Saturday. I asked her what I did wrong for her to disrespect me by talking to another man. She said sorry my feeling just change, and gave me the I love you but not in-love with you anymore crap. I was devastated. I cried and end up drinking too much that night. She claimed she was worried about me and called the cops that night from another state. I end up getting out of my house to avoid the cops from coming to my home. Anyway the cops find me and took me to the hospital because I've too much liquor in my system. I spent the night at the hospital while my wife talk all night with OM. She called her parent to come get me the next day because mobile crises was called and can only allow me to go home with family.

My wife came home two days after the incident and all we did was argue because of what happened. I've a 8 to 5 job but on call two three times a week. My wife spent hours talking to OM while am at work trying to provide for her and my daughter. The whole situation got worse one night she asked me if she could call him 11:30pm at night. I told her that will never happen. She asked if she could go outside and called OM. I was angry but told her to do whatever she chose, just to create a calm atmosphere between both of us. and my 3yrs old.

My wife returned back to where she work and affair continue. She told me she enjoy talking to him but they haven't had sex yet. Had to believe right. This's a woman who bought another phone when she was home to communicate with OM . Anyway, I was able to get some bad stuff on this guy through snooping and private investigator. I told my wife about it and she promise never to speak to him again. It's was all lies In fact they have become even closer and crazy about each other.

I finally got my answer last Sunday. The worst day of my life came to me while visiting her and my daughter last weekend. We both agreed that I'll take a cab from the airport and also stay in a hotel. She came to the hotel with my daughter that afternoon to take me out to eat. I was sad but kept my cool, I was not able to eat. I sat there and could hardly look at straight in the face. Her demeanor was different. She asked irrelevant question and give fake compliment. She took me back to the hotel and stayed for only 15mins. She told me she won't be staying with me at the hotel and I should spend time with my daughter alone. I told her okay. Unknown to me that she was leaving us at the hotel to go spend the night with OM. She called me next morning and asked if we need anything for breakfast. I told her NO, but she insist on bringing us some food to eat. Immediately she walked in I knew something was terribly wrong with her appearance. I asked her for the car keys so I can take the new car seat I bought for my daughter downstairs. She said No, and insist on going down stairs with me to the car. I finally agreed. I snoop around and couldn't find anything. We went back upstairs and she decided to lay down. Something tells me to go back to the car and check the trunk Immediately I opened the trunk I saw a bag with overnight cloth, underwear and another cell phone. I was shaking and crying. I turned the phone on and I saw the most damaging evidence. Text about how
She enjoy having sex with him and what he will like to do to him when next he sees him. They have sex in the one bedroom apartment she share with my daughter and also at his place. They share food, drink and everything. She even share part of her prescription with him because they were both coughing from doing.......some crazy staff to each other. I was hot. I went upstairs crying and upset. I confronted her and asked to tell me the truth. She finally told me everything. That she had sex with him like 25times, in fact she said a lot in 2month. She also said she went on a date with another guy from work before him, but nothing happened. I cried and couldn't help it in front of my little girl. She said she was lonely and couldn't control her feeling for this young man. She end up walking out with my daughter. She called the next day after talking to her family and said she want a divorce.

Let me give your some fact about her family. Her brother is married with kids but cheat on the wife with multiple women. Her dad does the same and her mother cheated on the dad in the past.

Her and OM also got a 44k Car out of me during this whole craziness. She talked me into buying a new car for her, not knowing her and OM planned the scheme together.

I'm not from here and no family around. So it's very difficult to cope with all this. My sister passed that Sunday night and that didn't deter her from caring for this guy. She was never there for me. She told me to go read some book and stop contacting her.

I know this woman is bad for me but I'm still in love with her. I want a good life for my daughter and I honestly want her back. I need serious help because the only way I can cope now is with drinking everyday. I just got suspended from my job for messing up my patient note. I'm not focus and could hardly think. Her family don't want anything to do with me now, her dad is the only one that call. He only called because I gave him 100k 2yrs ago when his business was going down.
I haven't got a dime back but story different on other investment.

I need some serious advice and how to go about things with this woman. I'm losing my mind and confused about everything. She said she want to be my friend and also help me go through this difficult time. I told her no way. You can do all this and expect me to be your friend. Communication with her and OM as gotten even more crazy. They text/talk multiple times a day. They pretty much hang out everyday she told me she enjoy sleeping with him and won't stop it until the affair run his course. I don't know what else to do at this point. I made some mistake by going after her, begging and getting emotional in front of her. I did not have anybody to
Advice me until I found this website. Pls help me! Losing my mind and everything I work hard for.

[Azagtoth]

Hello,

I am new here. You can see in my signature some key data.

Some basics:

Retired Military - 21.5 years; married 17.5 of those. Lots of deployments. When I was home, I wasn't always "there"! Basic Neglect of emotional needs for wife. I have always been a very closed person emotionally. I am the typical DAM that felt being the "provider was enough. Instead of being there emotionally when she needed or complained, I felt attacked and that what I did wasn't good enough. I closed up and pursued my own interests to escape.

At first, she gave all the typical MLC scripted stuff, so I joined the Hero Spouse board. Recently, her head seems to have cleared, and she is making more sense and being assertive. The re-writing of history is gone. I found this site a couple months ago (about the time of MC/IC) and realized what I actually have is a potential WAW (with some MLT/C tendencies)

We came to a joint agreement to MC/IC, but her expectations are low.

I currently am reading DR; DB is on the way. Wasn't sure which to read so I got them both.

I will transfer this to my own thread and add more details.

Thanks.

-Azagtoth-

[LFC1170]

Hi, also new here.

About my situation. I met my wife in 1996. Fell in love and married in 2000. Had my son in 2003. A very difficult pregnancy for her. My son was diagnosed to be on the Autistic spectrum in 2006. I believed we were happy and a very loving couple. Something changed after my son was born. Our sex life slowed to a crawl and finally ceased. We have had sex 5 times in the last 11 yrs!

Naturally, I became very bitter and resentful so she became more withdrawn. I approached her many times for us to seek counseling but she refused stating she thought nothing was wrong and it wasn't me it was her issues. She suggested her going to doctors but in the end she did nothing. This made me very irritable and I projected all my daily stresses on her. I knew this was not fair but I couldn't help myself. I even developed some prostate conditions from not having sex anymore. She told me she was sorry and she would "help" out more but again did nothing. My self-esteem was at an all-time low.

After 9 yrs of banging my head against the wall in trying to reach her (the ultimate test of patience) she drops the bomb in 2012, saying it was me the whole time and she wasn't happy either. Really? I was crushed! Here I felt less than a man all these years not being able to please my wife, being patient, believing she would come around then she hits me with this.

Here's the rub. She WANTS to leave but she hardly works, has no car, and no money so she CAN'T leave! My family says I should throw her out but she has my son so I don't. I CAN'T! This has gone on for almost 2 more years. I used that time to beg, plead, cry, literally got down on my knees but I can't touch her heart. We went to counseling where I wanted to work on my marriage but to my surprise she only wanted to learn how to deal with the situation and be amicable. She didn't want to work on it. She told me that she loved me but wasn't IN love with me. I began to sleep on the couch, got back problems and became depressed. I couldn't believe I wouldn't get a second chance. There has been no affairs, no physical abuse, substance abuse or bad vices. I gave her a deadline to file. Doctor prescribed anti-depressants and the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I read the book.

On top of this my Grandmother, whom I was close to, passed because of cancer. I was basically done but decided to find a self-help book on dealing with divorce. Thank god I found MWD's "The Divorce Remedy". This book along with M/V opened my eyes completely. I realize that what we were going through was common and, because we did not know how to communicate, was almost inevitable. I realized that all her complaints about me was justified, just as all my reactions towards her were normal.

I love my wife. I still do. I believe when I said "I do" it was for life. I immediately employed the LRT. I stopped pursuing. Did a 180 (where I was cold I became warm). I did little loving things. I learned to listen without being critical and judgmental. I withdrew the deadline. I joined a gym and started visiting family members regularly. I realized all the hurtful things she was saying was because her hurt was deep. Her being irrational and illogical, to me, was because she was blinded by the pain even though outwardly she didn't show it.

I want to be patient. Lord knows i've already shown as much patience than any man i've known. My marriage being sex-starved is a gross understatement. MWD says in DR that there should be 1 month of work for every 1 year of hurt. That means almost a whole YEAR of work. I would absolutely be despondent if after all that work I still can't reach her. How long can I or should I employ MWD's techniques without a response before I give up? I still support her and my boy fully and at times I feel like a real sucker but I have no idea what to do. Im in real Limbo.

Thanks for listening.

[Bunches]

Hi, I'm new of course. Been leaning on family and friends but I'm sure there is a lot to glean from others living the same problems. My W left Oct. 22nd 2013. I've been really emotional and having a hard time sticking to tactics of any kind. Every week I struggle with re examining my situation thinking I can just fix it by saying the right thing. Then I sit down and talk myself out of it and try to say nothing but still end up jabbering about whatever when she is around.

--------------------------------------------
Me 33 W 28
S 5 (Autistic)
M: 9 yrs.
T: 10 yrs.
Currently Separated