My W did tell me she does want to listen to what I have to say, My W told me she has always settled for second best, she blames this on her Father, because everything she did seemed it was never good enough for him, so she always settled for second. The question I have is My W is a talker and we use to just sit around and talk all the time. We still do it we did it last night and it was about the relationship, I did tell her that things can and could be better with time, she does seem open to it. I say this because she told me she doesnt have a problem listening to what I have to say.
Let me clear one thing up, I did some drinking and yes some days I drank and some days I didn't. I would some times drink 1 beer or 10, it just depended on what i was stressing about. I have stopped its been 4 weeks or so, and she has noticed this. I started changing about then.
Last Saaturday the W and I went out on a date and we had a great time. We even went to church. One thing I can tell you is when W and I use to go to church often our relationship always seemed better. Our busy schedules get in the way and we needed that as a priorty.
My W came into the room this morning and told me she was leaving for work and would talk to me later. I work afternoon shift and it has played a role in our R. Being on this shift is not going to help me DB because it limits my time being around her because I only see her on my days off which is 2 a week. My W has told me she has gotten use to me being gone and her S likes it when I'm gone. As I said before me and her sone have a strained R. I always attempt to talk to him and he's pretty reserved. My W has told me that is one thing she Hates that I did, she told me this last night. I want to fix this mess and I know making changes for myself is for me and it may or not win her back.
The thing that I Know about my W is she seems to still care, however she doesnt want to show me. I know she's scared of everything going back the way it was.
My question is what if my W wants to work on the M and I show her DB and DR, and she wants to do it is it ok to do this and would it be beneficial for the both of us to post on the site? Just a thought.
So...in regards to detachment. I've read Sandi's rule and have read DR but I don't have clarity on where the lines in conversation are specifically. One of the things my W seemed to be bothered by was a lack of being told how great she looked. Should I still avoid saying that or is it appropriate to tell her she looks beautiful when we see each other?
Also, I see that I am not supposed to pursue but does this mean I should never make contact unless its about S?
And then I know I'm not supposed to ask her to go out places with me until R phase but what about asking her to come along when taking my S places?
Okay, question....my W keeps making small jabs at things she has blown out of proportion. I've tended to be critcal of small things through the 9 years of items around the house I don't like. Pictures on the walls that seem ill placed, decorations I'm not fond of, etc... So she made mention today of coming to pickup some stuff on Tuesday like this stand up mirror in the bedroom. I don't mind that she is getting these things but she took the time to say 'that mirror you always hated'. I don't hate the mirror. I made several comments about it years ago when it took up a lot of room when we had an apartment and when we first moved into our house but nothing since. I think she is just dragging up anything negative I have ever said.
I want to say something about not remembering the worst things about me and clarify but thats wrong isn't it? I hate this... it feels like she just keeps dragging out the worst things and making me into a continuously larger monster. I want to say something but I'm afraid it will turn into nothing but counter points arguement.
What is safe to say? "That mirror kinda grew on me, I'll be sad to see it go?" Or maybe "I'm glad you kept that mirror" Or am I just better off saying nothing?
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Thanks TL72, I have read DR and DB again and many threads here. I actually have made some changes that my W has already taken notice, and she sure is pissed about them.
I'm sorry your going through this also, the things I have been doing have been helping me a lot. I'm sitting her right now filled with peace, thanks to God!
I'll Bring you up to speed. W got pissed about family tracking on cell phone, she gets new cell phone and number on Wednesday 2/12/14. I still dont have the number, she contacts me from my D or Step S phone. I havent even asked for the number. A goal is for her to give me th number on her own. Mind you any conversation is started by her, I only talk when she talkes to me.
Valentines day she seems depressed, I did engage talk with her about the things I have done wrong in our M. I see she's depressed in the bedroom, I take charge and have her sit between my legs and I give her a shoulder massage. I ask her if I'm making her uncomfortable she says no. I do it for a little bit and then I got ready for work. Afternoon shift stinks!
I come home saturday night get in bed and W told me good night, I tell her same and I roll over so my back faces her and she makes this noise that usually means "thats it" trust me I know this noise. I ask her if she said something she replies oh no. WE go to bed, I'm not pursuing her.
I start to act as if, I don't engage any conversation with her unless she starts it. I usually even end it. I make sure when we are home together I'm not bothering her.
Sunday morning I get up, I see W is all dressed up, she getting ready for church. I walk into kitchen she tells me she's going to church, I said ok, and I tell her I was going to take the kids at 11am, She asks what church, I reply st. so and so and she says I thought you didn't like that one, I told well its church and it will be fine. I ask her politely if she would like to come with, she said and mumbled something about being alone. I ask step S if he would like to come with me and D, he replies no I go during school, he's in a school. I look to see what time service starts at this church that just open close to our house and it starts at 10:30. So I leave and I'm driving getting closer to it and I tell D we should just go to other church, getting little nervous of this new church, I decide to stay my course, NOW THIS WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING. I pull into the church driveway ans a sign saying "Marrige Builders Confrence" FEB 14 & 15. So I missed this would been nice to go to.
I get in church with D we get to our seats and service begins. The service is about Fighting For Your Family. Ironic for sure. The scripture is "Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes" Nehemiah 4:14b ESV. I put this on Facebook because it sruck me in my heart, because here I am right now Fighting For My Family. Funny how God had me go to that church and not the other one.
W see's the post on Facebook and sends me this private message"interesting how you would quote something where you fight for your brother first and your wife last. Ironic. Who are you fooling. My name...not me. Go ahead and set it up to make sure you come out smelling like a rose."
I replied to it and probably shouldn't of. I said "It was todays service about Nehemiah to fight for your family, has nothing to do with whos listed first or last in this bible scripture. I'm sorry you feel this way about it.
W replied "All of a sudden you're quoting bible versus. Your not sorry...it angers me that you're putting on this act. I never replied to this, I did not want to get baited into a argument with her. Its like an Alien took over or the Devil.
I can tell you by going to church has made a huge diffrence, I don't know why I ever stopped going.
I'm at work W calls me, She hasnt been calling me or texting me much lately not like we where doing 2 weeks ago. Anyway she calls me from Step S phone. She ask me so you went to that new church I see. I reply yes and it was really nice. She ask me about the scripture i posted on FB and the refrigerator because it had some fill in blakes so you follow along better. I was excited to tell her about the service and I explain it to her and she was like ok. she then tells me I went to the same church but the other one across town, the pastors are brothers. I tell her that we could go next Sunday together if she likes and she almost snapped my head off OH NO that wont happen. I see she's annoyed so I decide to end the call, of course she doesn't like that and I tell her its busy and I have to go so we say bye.
W calls me back about 5 mins later. I should of never answered it, but I did. W tells me that she was rude for acting like that and apologizes and said its ok. W asks me why are you all of sudden going to church, I reply because I need it and its good for me and the kids. W then tells me so your going be better for someone else, referring that I will be better for the next person and why didn't you do this me. She then says don't you want to ask me anything, I pause not sure what to say so I just reply do you want me to ask you something. W says that not what I asked. I don't know how to answer this question and simpl say no. W then says Oh I see your ok with all of this and I havent talk to you in 2 days. W then says a couple of days ago you werent like this and now your all good. W Ask what are you doing how are you handeling this I simply told her I'm confronting it head on. She doesnt understand me, she trys to bait me into an argument or wanting to know my DB secrets I won't reveal them. being down and depressed. I notice she is getting more depressed as I keep acting as if. I had actual fun today at church and work. I laughed alot at work today. Don't get me wrong there was good conversation when she called me while I was at work but then she gets annoyed. Thats when I get off the phone. She did ask me, what do you think this is going to do, referring to how I have been more up beat and making it like it doesnt matter what I do she's not changing her mind. She did tell me to little to late and I replied better late than never. and thats when she told me I would be all good for the next women. BLah BlaH BLAH.
I do know she is seeing my changes and even challanging them and not believing in them. I have come to a relization these changes are for me and if she comes back then she gets a better man.
I see alot of clarity and all of my faults that have caused this M to be in this state. I'm going to write them down and then throw them away and continue to improve me no matter what happens. Don't get me wrong I LOVE MY W, but I have to let her go on her own journey and if she ends up back with me then Awesome. If not then I become a better man.
I forgot W asked me something along the lines of Who this is all for and really kinf=d of froze not sure how to answer didn't want to put any pressure on the R and say Us or anything like that. She said who you? I did say yes, because it is for me and if you stay it would be for you to. I didn't tell her this I thought it.
I almost get a sense she wants me to broken down and why does it seem she wants me to pursue her, like she wants me to bring up our R etc..asking me if I want to ask her anything. They sure can confuse a person.
I got up this morning and W was babysitting her girlfriends son, he's and he spent the night. I like this little guy he is one of the best babies I have ever come across, even W thought so. I told him that he had the best baby sitter in the world and he couldn't go wrong. W over heard me and she said I don't know about that. I just said to him yes she is.
W went to her counseling meeting today, so I've beeen reading abunch of blogs while she's gone. I'm taking my step S, D and her cousin to an arcade today, so we can have some fun. GAL.
I was wondering alot of these situations on here, I notice we have to become this person who has to balance everything on type rope. I mean like really listen to them give them support and empathy. Something I have not done in a long while even though I'm not engaging the conversation first, I have to apply this, and I think I missed a clue when I got into bed the other night when she made the noise referring thats it when I rolled over and said good night. I think she wanted a kiss, we have kissed eachother every night since we have been together. I do know a little later on she asked If I was sleeping ok, I said yes, she said she feels tension in the bed. I said I can go sleep in the other room, she said no. I did feel some tension and its because I normally kiss her and then snuggle her. We havent sinse she filed for D.
I really need to figure this out better. I have been feeling ok inside and I really don't want to lose this women, she has a ton of awesome qualities. I don't want to focus on any of her bad ones, as a matter of fact I forgive her for them.
many times my W has told me we have issues, like a fight or blow out which we didn't have often and the next day would come and I would treat it like its anew day and it never happened. I'm guilty as charged. I now know I have to listen to her and validate her feelings and not sweep it under the rug.
I know I'm jumping all over the place but these things are popping in my head and I want to get them out there.
The thing that has me concerned is this phone switch and her not giving me the number, also her taking her rings off. She did tell me that they are in a safe place and she didn't want me trying to take them off her finger like I tried when I was drunk one time. Idiot I was with that drinking at times. I havent drank in 4 weeks. Big change there.
I'm not sure if there is anyone else EA or PA, i could check the old phone records from her phone and I have checked it before and most are her girlfriends I know the numbers. Thing is does it really matter at this point. I have to keep on improving me. If she was seeing OM can I stop it, probably not. is it a deal breaker for me if she had a PA, probably not, I believe EA is worst than the PA.
Question is, I need to figure her out in what the heck she is telling me, she talks in code. I better go read men are from mars and women are from venus again.
I had a wonderful relationship with my husband before we got married. We both came from 2 dysfunctional families and we both were far too emotional .
My British Indian husband left me when I was 8 months pregnant (September 2012) because we were always fighting and a therapist had apparently advised him to "stay away from me" as much as possible because we fought.So instead of spending time with him as a newly married couple, after work he would go to his mom's (84 years old). He would also flirt with another women two weeks after our wedding because he said "he felt depressed because of me". When I became pregnant same thing. He was always at his mom's. One day I turned to his mother's place and asked him to solve our problems and stop hiding. We had a row and he slapped me. Social Services became involved and then we went on honeymoon to Cancun where he exploded again and verbally abused me for silly things.
In August 2012 he begged me to live our marital home 8 months pregnant because "we were fighting". Yes, I was incredibly emotional and I was furious to be married to a man who would not buy a baby coat because "he was angry with me".
I left our marital home and moved to another place. I gave birth and when my child was 14 months he attacked me and I fought back. He ended up in prison for a night.
In May 2013 he made allegations against me and threatened to hit me and take away our son from me. At that point I was granted a non-molestation order and he was only allowed to see our son on a supervised basis a hour per week.
Recently we went to court to arrange his contact with our son. I am the resident parent and he can now sees him a day every week with the intention to extend it in the future.
My opinion is that I contributed to many of our problems and I admit that. I worked with a psychoterapist, Chuck from DB, mentors and I am currently studying the Bible to get rid of my resentment and anger. It's working miracles. However, I spoke to my husband last week, we've been separated for 17 months and haven't spoke for 9 months until last week. He knows that he has problems but he blames me for almost everything, which is scary. I believe that he is living in denial. He considers himself a victim of domestic violence because I scratched him on one occasion and grabbed his arm. I had become violent and defensive. I do not blame him but he has been incredibly cruel to me. he neglected me as a wife and as a mother of his child. I was ignored and blamed for everything.
My goal is to see my baby happy and this is happening. I have a diplomatic and polite interaction with his dad to arrange contact.
I wish he saw his faults but I have come to realize that I cannot help him. I can only help myself. DB helped me and is still helping me to work on my emotional and material independence instead of relying on someone who can only blame now.
Yes, it may sound crazy but I would like to give him another chance. It's too early now but who knows. He is looking for psychological help. Fingers crossed. I still love him and don't feel like giving up.
Lats week he told me that it usually takes 5 years for a couple to heal from domestic violence according to doctor. He also said that he just wants to work hard in these 5 years and buy a house. He hasn't mentioned getting back together but maybe he is contemplating the possibility. I don't know.
me: 30, H:45, S: 1 M: 2 years Bomb drop 08/12 H moved out 09/12 Separated: 17 months
Hello new here so let me introduce myself. My wife walked out WAW on 1/26/14, 2/10/14 moving into an apartment. She tells me our marriage is a charade. She says she needs to reevaluate our relationship. She says that she doesn’t want a divorce and will have to see where this goes. I love with you, but I am not in love with you. I am beginning the process of working to be a better person and GAL. She has been very angry, and then she disengaged with me the last year. I crawled in hole and stayed there. It seemed at the time better than engaging as it was better than arguing about things I had done and said I was sorry for. We have been married 21 years and we have had our ups and downs. I am 52 years old and she is 51. We have a 15 year old daughter who is here at home with me. So far she has not suggested taking our daughter with her just that oure daughter should not have to suffer for our transgressions. So I am beginning the work on me efforts. We do talk and she is totally straightforward that she thinks we are not good for each other, that I am emotionally unavailable and unable to love. She has unplugged from the marriage and says she is responsible for her portion of how this came about as well. I am beginning to deal with this emotionally although it’s hard not to slip back into depressed state even though I have worked at accepting the divorce is eminent and to let go! That is the hardest part as I do love her dearly. My questions are many but I’ll let you folks provide any advice you can provide. I tried being friendly and rational and disinterested and that does help, however I had a hard time when she moved temporarily to her friends for two weeks until the apartment became available. It was tough seeing her so I asked for some time and separation. It just tears me up emotionally to see her. I am trying to act as rationally and disinterested as possible in aftermath of the split. I have talked to her about counseling and she is not opposed to it. I don’t want to push though and wonder when I should ask her to go to counseling. I can wait until she is ready.I work and caring for our daughter, cleaning the house and all the other chores take time. I am reading Divorce Remedy and am going to read and re-read. Time is a precious commodity and I want to make sure our daughter is not neglected so I spend any time I have with her just being there and doing fun things or whatever she wants. I have also just tried to get my mind off this a bit and have tried just to give myself some space from it so it doesn’t consume me. By the way Sandi2's 37 Rules are great! I am trying to follow! Thanks
Hi, I'm new to this forum and I believe that I need all the help I can get. My wife recently started becoming very distant, and over Christmas went by herself to visit her brother in a different country than where I live. I took this as betrayal to our home and child, because she left on the 26th of December and came back on the 3rd of January, leaving me and our child alone to spend the New Year's. What I hadn't realized was that she was trying to distance herself from me, and think about how to ask me for a divorce. After she came back I confronted her, and she said that she wanted to leave and take the child with her. I asked her, pleaded her, to give us a second chance, but after a couple of weeks she decided that she did not want to have any physical relationship with me, and in fact she wanted to stay by herself and with our child. I thought that I should leave the house, but after I regained my composure, I told her that since she wanted to break the marriage, she should be the one to move out, and without the child. She finally said no, and she decided that she needed time by herself, to think things through. She said that she would take the time in our house, but with us having no contact whatsoever.
We have been married for 10 years, and had been dating for 10 more, living together for the past 15 years. And this is where we are now, one week into this period of "living together but separately". She sleeps with the child, and I sleep in our bedroom by myself.
After reading a lot on here, I realized that pleading, begging, and telling her I love her is not going to help much. But I am in extreme psychological pain. I cannot think about anything else other than this situation and how we arrived here. I need to know that it is possible to win her back, because I love her dearly and do not want to see my family become a broken home. I am willing to set things straight and do whatever it takes to win her back.
She is now closed to the world, though. She says that one too many times she has made decisions based on what other people told her, and she now wants to take the time to make up her own mind by herself. And while I understand that, I am so scared that she will come back and say that she finally decided to get a divorce. As I said, she is my whole world, and I was entirely and completely unaware that I was causing her so much pain. She says she was screaming to me, begging me to take action, but I was so unaware and in my own little world, that I never heard any of it... Until now, where I think it may be too late.
I need help. What can I do?
I will update this once my thread has been approved. _____________________ M 38 W 38 D 7 M 10
I am currently physically separated from my wife and two children. We are not legally separated. She indicated she wanted a divorce back in November. We went to a very inexperienced marriage counselor at the local college because it was much more inexpensive. Lets just say out of this whole process of attempting to get back together that was quite possibly the worst decision ever.
I don't know if I am supposed to type everything out here or not. Or just introduce myself/situation. So I will start with that.
I can call/text my wife. I can talk to my kids. I have them almost every weekend. I am attempting the LRT but with kids it is somewhat difficult. Just prior to reading the LRT in the book I had asked my wife out to coffee while the kids are in school. It went ok. We have plans to do it again this friday.
She wants to be friends. She wants an amicable divorce. I have told here many times that I do not. There have been really heated fights about this. One in December was what lead to me not staying in my home any longer. Without details it got ugly fast and I moved in with my mom.
There is so much I don't know if I should write it all down here or submit a new thread for the sake of brevity/congruity.
I have the books, DB and DR, I havent read DB I am currently on step 6 in DR.
So, Should I just start a thread and begin discussion there? Or should I just let the keys fly here?
blinded, I'm sorry your here. The best thing for you at this time is to focus on you, and read sandi's 37 rules and start to apply them. NO more beggignig and pleading, no more I love yous. You need to focus on you, not your W, she has to go through her own journey. If you continue to focus on her, you're going to push her further away. Listen I'm in the same boat. This is going to be a long slow process. good luck.
