Newbies introduce yourself /moderation notes

[Charlee]

Well, I've been reading here for about a month now, and finally got up the courage to post and introduce myself. I realize I need some support and this community seems like a good place to start.

Married under a year, but dated 2 years prior. No kids.
Our first year of marriage has been a disaster to say the least. Brief timeline:
- We decided to get married in January of last year (2013)
- He lost his brother to suicide in February and it caused some huge issues for us He asked me not to attend the funeral - his reasoning was that he wanted me to stay separate from the funeral so that he could return to me and pretend things were ok/have a safe place. I failed pretty miserably at supporting him the way he needed and ended up causing some pretty big fights. I thought everything was ok, but as we have progressed I have realized how the mistakes I made here, have never really healed.
- May - we got married
- June - I picked up my life and moved across the country to his military base

Things were ok the first few months, but October - December things just got bad. I think he is dealing with depression but won't admit it. He used to be a fun, happy person who loved doing social things and going on adventures. Now I'm lucky if I can get him to leave the house to go to the grocery store on the weekend. He's also drinking heavily, often in secret. I'll notice that half a bottle of wine will be gone between 10am-2pm while I'm gone on weekends. I never said anything about it, but between his depression and my pushing him to be more affectionate it caused huge fights. We started going to marriage counseling in January. Made it 2 appointments before he admitted to the me in a session that he is done. Doesn't see himself with me, thinks he is better off alone in the future and that it is easier to end things now then keep trying. That was middle of January.

He said all that, but followed it up with that he still loves me. Wants what is best for me, etc. I decided to spend the weekend with my brother and give him and myself space to process. After 4 days he asked me when I was coming home. I asked him if he wanted me there and he said "yes, but only if you can be happy".

I came home and we are now in this weird phase, I'm not sure what to call it. I started reading this site (and ordered the book, which I'm only a few chapters into). My plan, if I can call it that, has been to focus on myself. I've started going to networking events, got back into yoga and working out, and generally just focusing on myself and how I can be a better person.

I "think" there has been some positive change, but I honestly don't know. He comes home every night, he seems to want to be around me (I don't push him to be, but if I'm watching TV in one room he will often come in and put a movie on to watch with me). He cuddles with me on the couch, rubs my feet unprompted and generally seems to want to be close to me almost every night.

Beyond cuddling, we rarely kiss, and there hasn't really been anything beyond that. I've tried a few times to kiss him and he usually will, but pulls away quickly and tells me he isn't in the mood. Last week, he kissed the back of my head as we walked into a store completely unprompted. He'll occasionally wrap his arms around me and hug me randomly as well but its sporadic, and I try not to push for it.

I'm not sure whether I'm causing the depression (because he wants to leave but is staying for me) or whether the depression is from the loss of his brother and Im the collateral damage. He's under immense stress at work, and I'm trying to limit anything I do that causes him stress, but I'm struggling and feeling very alone and unloved.

I have glimmers of hope when his mood seems to pick up and he seems to want to be around me, but it usually fades quickly. This week has been full of him not wanting to be around me (hiding in his computer room) and avoiding touching me at all costs.

Anyways, apologies if this is too long for an intro post. I haven't really talked to anyone beyond a few close friends because they all can't understand why I am staying and trying to fix this rather than just leaving if it is so clear he may not love me anymore.

[Beersha]

Hi all
Just an update I guess. Any advice from people is greatly appreciated too. Feel like in drowning sometimes.
He is contacting me a little more, but only about the children, and only ever by text message. My parents took is away for the weekend last week to the beach and he kept texting, asking how they are, and for photos. If he cares do much, why is he never seeing them when we are home?
When he does come home, he walks in, totally makes himself at home. Helps himself to the fridge, showers etc. but he hasn't stayed here in early 2 months. He is still technically paying for it (his money still goes to the joint account so I am just paying for things as normal) but he likes to remind me at times that it is MY house. If it's MINE, why doesn't he pack up his crap, give me the keys and leave properly?

He hasn't told the children anything, they think he is at work all the time. The younger 2 but it, but the eldest knows something is up. I don't know what to tell get and doesn't want to tell them anything. I find that very hard, as their emotions go up and down and I get to deal with the fall out alone.

I am trying hard to GAL. I have joined a gym, started playing sport again and been out with friends. I don't contact him unless he contacts me, so I got a sitter the other night when I went out. The kids told him and he told me next time to get him to babysit. I don't like the idea of that. Why should I tell him my plans when I don't even know where he is staying or who with.

It feels like he is happy with the current situation. He can leave and be 'single' and responsibility free, see the kids once a week and just play happy families. He hasn't told anyone what he is doing, no one in his family or friends who have known both of us. So when he is here and puts pics of the family on Fb, everything looks great. It's so weird. What does he want? He says he doesn't want me, and he won't touch me, looks at me with these cold hard eyes. He will talk about his work, the gym, his interests but never asks how I am. I have lost over a stone and he apparently hasn't noticed.
If he is so sure about this, like he says he is, why won't he just commit one way or another? Either agree to talk and try to work it out or actually move, pack his stuff and leave. We can go to mediator and get it all officialky sorted out, rather than this weird limbo we are in right now.

I am trying to leave it to him, he started this, he can make the next move. But it's so hard!

[TL72*]

Hi Tornup,
I noticed you get more feedback when you post a new thread in another category. I'm going to try that myself. hope you are doing ok.

[Upwards]

Started new thread but copying here too...

Here goes....

Me & my husband have been together nearly 12yrs, we were best friends & very close at school then got together at 18. We've been married for 6yrs.

My H struggled with addictions (cocaine/alcohol) and although it's been an underlying problem for years it's slowly become more of a problem over the past 3 or so years. 6mths ago it all became too much & I asked him to leave, he moved into his parents house & things quickly deteriorated, he ended up a rehab treatment centre 4 months ago & has been clean since.

In the past he's mentioned he doesn't always feel in love with me & has had doubts etc but we've plodded on through addiction & became consumed by it, when he came out of rehab he told me he loved me more than anything & he wanted to prove himself to me with the hope of getting back together, I didn't know how I felt & didn't feel any love for him at the time but we tried to resolve some past issues & my feeling began to come back, unfortunately we ended up back in the cycle we were in before just minus the drugs and he walked away 5 weeks ago saying he doesn't love me It broke my heart & I thought he was crazy but now I've had time to reflect I think that us being apart right now & working on ourselves is the best thing - we lost our identities & both want to find who we are again.

He's sticking by the statement "I don't love you like I should" and that too much has happened and he can't handle it right now - he's said he doesn't want divorce yet & he doesn't know how he'll feel in the future but right now we can't be together, he's openly admitted this he's 'sitting on the fence'. I can see that it's all too much for him to handle so he's just shut off & walked away, thrown himself into work and his new found freedom. He's also become close to a female he met in rehab, she's apparently gay (he told me this a long time ago) but they have still developed a close relationship, I'm sure there's nothing physical but defo emotional - he says they're just friends & get on well so she supports him, he said they do talk/text and see each other at meetings but there's nothing romantic going on.

We have 2 children together plus a business so I've been trying to do the 180 as best I can and keep contact minimal - he's keen to still be best friends & to still do things as a family, he seems very confused & gives very mixed messages. He's got lots of resentments towards me & so much guilt from how he's treated me in the past, he feels like I trapped him in our relationship and that he wasn't able to be who he wanted to be, I absolutely take some of the responsibility as to why we're here but he seems very eager to forget his part right now, maybe that makes what he's doing easier idk?!

He's still happy to spend time with me "as friends" which I'm taking as a positive thing, I'm trying to focus on the here & now and working on myself but when we do see each other make it as positive as possible. My main aim is reconciliation when we're both ready, he can't see past how he feels now at the moment. We've been to RC purely for the kids, we've agreed to work on our communication & avoiding conflict, also to notice & point out each other's positives, we don't have an apt for about 6 weeks now though so will see how things go.

I want to avoid divorce if possible and try to get to know each other again, fresh start and see what happens... If it's not meant to be then I can accept that but I don't want to give up without a fight as we've never both actively tried whilst he's been in recovery. I really believe he does love me underneath but right now doesn't want to feel it. He wants mental space, we've agreed to not talk about the future as neither of us know what will happen, it's so hard at times but I have to do it because talking about it just pushes him away, he's been a little more open & bringing things up himself recently which is good. I know this is going to take time & I need to just let him go through this process but at the same time it's very hard emotionally as I love him & want it to work! I want to create positive time together to give the opportunity for him to see that it's not all bad yet at the same time I don't want to just be a pushover and allow him to have the best of all worlds!!

Any help or advice would be great - really need support right now! Any questions or things I've missed please ask away too x

[leaving]

WOW, These WOW sure can take you for a roller coaster ride with there ups and downs. I don't even know what to think, believe, hear or see anymore.

I had A DB coach call and he pretty much told me that I was on track with my changes. He did tell me that all WAW have to things in common.

1. They know everything about you, so there is no mystery.

2. When they see your changes they don't trust them, they believe if they come back you will go back to the way you were befor.

I believe this. The other real important thing that I read everywhere especially when it comes to women is they have to be attracted to you again. This leaves me with these 2 questions

1. How create mystery again?
2. How to be attractive?

Women this is where you need to chim in and give us men your expertise in this. The things that you find attractive in a man and if he's mysterious why do you think he is.

[C138]

Hi
I'm 6 months in. H works away 80% of the time but when home over the summer was very depressed but wouldn't say why-I tried to cheer him up and get him to seek help but ended up getting frustrated (especially as he was refusing sex). In Oct he just didn't come home. Got himself a flat 300 miles away. Been back for weekends at first (on sofa) but since a breakdown that made him leave on Xmas day, he has only been to see the kids for a few hours every couple of weeks. We still haven't told them he's left.

He had an awful childhood and admits feeling as bad as when he was being abused and beaten. He doesn't know who he is and says he always did what I wanted. He thinks I don't listen and isn't connected to me.

I've done all of the begging and pleading wrong. He needs space to find himself and I have only just started my 180. Hope it helps. We were enjoying life together until last July so I'm still in shock and despite trying to GAL I still have a pain in the pit of my stomach
X
W 36
H 37
M 10 T 18
S14 D10 S6
BD Oct 13 never came home
OW probable

[mdill]

My Story….

I’ve been married for 16 years, I was 22 and H was 21 when we got married. I got pregnant on our honeymoon. (was told by Dr I couldn’t have kids). Our marriage wasn’t perfect we had issues just like most couples, Kids, money, family, past hurts. (H had really bad childhood, lost both parents and sister)
I thought my husband loved me and would always be faithful. I never second guessed his commitment to me. He knew some issues I had from my past and he would never hurt me on purpose. H is shy and an introvert, has a very stressful job and works a lot of hours. When he would be distant he would always say he was busy and stressed at work. I would also tell myself that his childhood past was the reason he couldn’t be affectionate with me. That he loved me in his own way. That he didn’t have a father that taught him how to be a man and how to treat his wife. He is a great dad and he does what he needs to provide for his family. Even though we had issues I Loved him and I thought our marriage was okay. Boy was I wrong.
On Sept 27 2013 my world came crashing down. For some time my H was being more distant not really wanting to talk to me when I would ask questions not going places with me spending more time on his computer or phone. I had asked him twice (the last time was a week before the truth came out) if he had cheated on me and both times he answered NO! I felt that there was more to the story so one day I went online to look at his phone log ( I have never done this before) what I found was the same number called 37 times within a months’ time for a total of 13hours of talk time. I called the number and a lady answered the phone. He told me he was working late that night so I decide to call him on the phone and ask him who the lady was, he said just a friend. So I called her back and sent a text. She told me they were more than friends and had been dating for a month. (Found out later that he was with her when I called him). Over the course of a few months I think I have the whole story of my husband’s affairs. Most of this discover is from me digging. H would lie when I would ask him Q’s just for me to later to find out the truth.
H told me that he hasn’t been “in Love with me” for some time. Maybe 6 years. He would do things to appease me to make me happy not that he wanted to but then he would resent me for those things. He said he hid part of himself from me and has never really let me 100%. He admitted to watching porn most of our marriage some times for hours at a time. About 5 years ago he wasn’t getting what he needed from the porn so he went on a dating website and beginning talking to women. He meet one person once and she took care of his needs. He said it freaked him out and he felt so guilt that he stopped everything till last year. I was out of town with the kids visiting family and friends. He was at home working and he said he got lonely and he went to some porn sites but that wasn’t enough, so he went back to the dating website. He made up a fake name and created a different email address. Over the course of a year he meet 6 women in person, two he had sex with multiple times over the course of a year (once a month), the others he made out with, the last one he “fell in love with”. I’ve done a lot of things wrong, screaming, cussing, hitting, kicking, telling him to leave, then begging him to stay and throwing myself at him, calling the women to get their side of the story, reading emails and IM messages, seeing photos sent and received. It has been a very big roller coaster ride these last months. The things I’ve heard from these lady’s and the things I’ve read are stuck in my mind they wake me up at night, They pop up all the time, and it is really hard for me to push them down. I’ve lost over 20 pounds, I don’t go out much anymore I void friends. I keep comparing how my H is with me and how my H was with these other women. There are times I look at my H and I hate him and I feel sick to my stomach, in some ways I just want him out of the house. I think it would be easier to just start over fresh then try to make things work.
H has cut off all communication with the women. Deleted dating profile and email (even though I hacked back into it) he gave me the password to his computer and his cell phone and downloaded find my friends on Iphone. H says he wants M to work and he is trying to work thur what/why he did what he did. He goes to IC to work on some of his issues and I go to IC to work on anger and bitterest. We went to MC for a month but therapist said H needed to work on some of his issues before we could work on M. Even though I see that he is trying in some ways I don’t know if it is enough for me to want to stay any more. My self-esteem and self-confidence has really taking a hit.
He says he feels really guilt and ashamed of what he did, he can’t break thur the ice to the point where he can be intimate with me. That he feels so bad for the things he said to all those women and the things that he has done that he can’t just do those with me. I see it that he isn’t attractive to me and doesn’t want to be close to me. In some ways it feels like it did before I found out about the affairs.
He told me about a month ago that when we fight he thinks about the last person. I asked him to deal with his thoughts and he asked me “How do I deal with them”. I told him that he should move out till he can deal with those thoughts. He wouldn’t leave the house. He told his therapist about it this weekend and she said he was being too honest and those kind of things he doesn’t need to tell me and he should wait and talk them out with her before he tells me.

I don’t know what to do any more. I haven’t read any of the books DB books. I guess one of my questions would be will the books help me since I’m the one that wants him to leave and he wants to stay and make it work.

[Devaste]

Hello,

Here's my story, hope it's in the right place. Very glad I've found this site, great suggestions and great insight from people in similar situations.

I've been with my wife 18 years, married ten with three little children 3,5,7

January 1, my wife admitted to an internet/phone affair, and then after digging I found email that she was meeting with the OM the next day. I made several mistakes, freaked out, went into shock, told her if she met him it was over etc. lots of threats that I had no intention of keeping. I also asked her to leave the house.

She did agree to do a counselling session, we set one up for four days from then, and she said she would leave, but didn't know if she would meet up him. No communication for a few days, saw her again on Sunday, I continued to ask question etc. In counselling, she admitted to affair.

Obviously I went into shock, hugely. Also awakening for me. I realize our marriage had some issues, but it was always happy and had no precursors for me. I.e. Lack of intimacy, constant fighting etc. However, most importantly, we had communication issues regarding things that were important to each other. We also had a miscarriage two years ago that wasn't dealt with properly . I also didn't listen enough to my wife's voice. Of course, none of this changes or deserved her actions, I am just acknowledging the role I played in this.

We are still doing counselling, and initially my wife agreed to no contact with the OM, but she didn't follow through. And before I got ahold of DR, I made mistake after mistake, pleading, begging, following around house etc. I fear I probably pushed her away. I realize she was already a WAW, but I didn't give her space.

So now, I have given a ton of space. I have made improvements in myself with respect to appearance, mindset, and have become a better father and person. The shock caused me to lose 20 pounds, but I am now stronger, and have the best health of my life physically. I am no longer obsessing about my situation. I am following Sandi's guidelines. Thanks Sandi, life saving . Generally I feel pretty good.

Where it gets complicated, is with our kids doing so many activities, we see each other almost daily. We are ferreting kids back and forth etc. Our interactions have been pleasant, lots of smiles, and a few flirty jokes etc. We have not been intimate for a few weeks, but were in the aftermath. I have not pursued this at all now for fear of destroying progress.

She has been staying with a friend for almost two months, and is now preparing to move out to her own place. After refusing to give up contact with the OM, I know she has been sexting and visiting him occasionally ( he lives a few hours away). I think, and her friends think she is having a MLC, and she is emotionally a mess. She does have some mental health/ depression issues. She is frequently crying around me, and told me she thinks she is a bit delusional.

Where I am struggling is with the trial separation coming up on March 1. Do I cut off finances, restrict time with the kids to certain days for each of us, or what. Feel like I need to do LRT, as she will just continue her relationship with the OM.

My questions are:

-should I show her the book, she saw it accidentally, and was curious, but I don't think it would help. Although one of the success stories talked about a WAW reading the book and then returning
- I am acting as if, and giving appearances of moving on. Where do I draw the line. help her move, be nice etc?
-her family and friends all support me, which is leaving her feeling like she has no one except OM to turn to. Not good
-I have discovered I have a great capacity for reflection, and I am not believing anything she says right now, or does. However, lots of it hurts tons
- friends have told me she is amazed at the changes I have made, and it is making her decision very difficult. I don't bring them up though, I just keep doing.
-I have been doing DB coaching by phone, should I involve her?


Thanks for all you help and patience. This is definitely one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I'm also not sure how to start a new thread, but I will notify the moderator.

I realize this sounds funny, but there are positive aspects to this occurring. I have made significant life changes that are making me a better person, and my relationship with my children is amazing. Regardless of what happens, none of that will be changing. The problem is, I still love my wife and have strong feelings for her. I am in a bit of denial, because I have hope that if I am patient, the affair will blow over, she will come to her senses, and our new relationship will be amazing. Time will tell I guess

Thanks again

[Michele Weiner-Davis]

This is a great thread. However it needs to be locked due to length.

Please start a new one.

Thanks.