Life's a Picnic

[bustingout]

I have been a bit low lately. The 'excitement' of h being here and staying here to going right back to how it was as soon as he left - yep- it affected me. It's like it never happened.

I was reading on another thread - BF was writing about layers of detachment. I agree tha we go through journey in stages. Like peeling the layers off of an onion as I have seen Bug write several times. I feel like I have been through two big stages of detachment. The initial one that detachs us from the actual present sitch .. The second one that detachs us from the relationship as a whole, from the past the future we thought we were going to have, etc.

I feel I have done that. I think many of us have. I feel like it's time to take it further for myself. And actually detach from the man himself. I don't know if that makes sense? In my head it does lol -

So here I go.

[willbwell]

yes, Busting. I am seeing, learning, more and more of what you mean.
I know in my head that detox from this man is what I need to do. Lately, I have been telling myself over and again, he does not care, he does not care. I am trying to convince myself of this. I have found it hard to accept, to believe, BUT it is his actions...
oh, he cares for me as a human being, but he no longer cares to be part of our family. I know this. I have to accept this.
I have to become ok. it is just the way it is. The new reality I know I have fought, I have tried.
I did not want to be another statistic. But this is where I find myself.
keep posting

[bustingout]

WBW I understand what you are saying.

Thank you for coming here :-)

I'm feeling 'tired' and I want to feel more positive again.

I am feeling increasingly negative about my sitch.

Since h left the last time he told me that he felt I treated him differently while he was is Dubai. It bothered him. So I thought about this and he was right. And I knew/ know it's because I associate him being away with the affair. Did/ does he not see that ? Maybe not. So when I responded to him I told him.

Anyway for the past two days h has been MIA. I know in my heart it's because of v day and the weekend combined . And I feel done in a way I have not yet felt. I am not yet sure if this is a reaction or a response. I do know that it's getting harder for me to dig deep. MY reality? I am good. I am happy. I am lonely. I want to share my kids with someone - share myself.

I hoped that there were baby steps from him. Maybe they are/were. But him going MIA only leads me to one thought- he has decided to run again.

I don't know if the baby steps have any merit. I'm trying to balance understanding him and watching his actions . I am also wondering what am I doing now. I need help - I need perspective. I see a lost man - having his cake and eating it - I see sparks of hope- and the dying embers of a man I believe (d) in.

My kids are suffering - am I still doing the best for them by standing? And me. What about me?

Are these baby steps worth focusing on rather than his MIA behaviour of the past two days?

[BrightFuture]

Busting, I think I’ve got yourself into expectations again. He made some steps and it raised your hopes up. Patience, my friend. This ups and downs are to be expected. If I remember correctly you said that he told your Mom that he took divorce off the table, right? I think it was a big step for him. I don’t think he would have done it lightly. If his affair is coming to an end, it is still going to take time for him to withdraw. He might be in contact with OW back and forth until he can completely cure himself.

Also, if you mentioned his affair to him recently, it could be the reason for him go MIL. I’m sure he has tremendous amount of guilt.

Relax and breath. Take care of yourself and your kids. You are doing the best you can for them. And you want the their dad to be the best too. Right now he cannot be the best dad for them. You just have to be patient.

[bustingout]

Thank you bright. You are so right about the expectations .,so right. And you are right - I do want. To be the best dad for them too. He is not ready to be that man. I need to be my absolute best for the kids. I can't so that when I let my heart be heavy.

I know part of my current struggle is also that I am lonely. Day in and day out over the years raising the kids, growing from this sitch , and no one to share my life with, to support my kids with, it's hitting me harder these days. I very been making an effort to see friends when I can to counter the feelings. But sometimes , you know, I just want someone to watch tv with. I feel that is so far away.

My D6- she was doing a little better but she has problems with h still. She won't talk to him (if/when) he calls and she looks at other moms and dads in wonder. I so badly want to show her what a healthy relationship can look like in a marriage. I want her to know what it's like to have a father ( figure?) that loves his family first.

On another note- we went to a school fair yesterday and S9 won me a stuffed heart for valentines day. So sweet.

[bustingout]

Thank you bright again- you have helped me to slow the spin I was getting into.

You are a good friend. Thank you again x

[willbwell]

I too go back and forth with these feelings. the spinning

some days I think I am done. other days I am amazed at the script. I still don't want d, so I wait.

h was mia too for v day. his bday is next week. the kids will be disappointed if he leaves town( he travels a lot with his job) h will say, just another day. kids see it differently.

I have wanted to ask h about the status of ow. is she still in the pic. I know it doesn't matter really.

yes, our hearts at times are heavy. but the joy, the sweetness of our children, that is the prize.

[bustingout]

They really are the prize, I agree completely Willbewell.

I know what you mean about the OW. It shouldn't 'matter' but ... It does.

I have been thinking about if I should be starting to 'do something different'

My MO has been to keep doing what I am doing- as also you have all supported and encouraged.

Him going MIA though was so ' start of the sitch MLC' after a slow slow progression forward- it made me think I need to change things. What do to all think? Although as I am writing this I can almost answer that :

He might have run back in the tunnel after positive steps and interactions as of late. So changing things may not help.

Any thoughts?

[LoisB]

Busting,

I panicked last summer when Smokey went back into the tunnel. And, I will forever wonder if I set him off for an even deeper dig. He is now MIA to the point where he is invisible. Take a look at my last thread and the latest events.

Slow down, breathe and let him find his way. Focus on you. Two steps forward, three steps back. This isn't a cut and dried getting from Point A to Point B. Wish it was!!

[keep_going]

Hi my dear friend,


I am sorry to come and read that you are struggling lately...
I can totally relate to what you are feeling and going through now....

You are so right about the expectations .,so right.

I think it's just human for you to have gotten your hopes up when you saw some positive behaviors from your H... Yet that's a result from keeping your focus on him, on what he says and what he does... His actions still affecting your emotions and behavior - can you see this as still codependent?

You also know that when we keep the focus on them, we remain stuck and POWERLESS.

And you are right - I do want. To be the best dad for them too. He is not ready to be that man.

Do you recognize your need to control here? You cannot make him be anything or do anything. His R with his kids is his only, not yours to fix. You have to find acceptance in the fact that he is not going to be the father you want him to be - because at least for now (and the last couple of years), it has not been what you would like. And perhaps it never will... What if that is the case? Will you live the rest of your life letting his R with your kids affect you?

Your kids are watching and they are very perceptive. They sense your sadness and disappointment. They are already struggling and perhaps subconsciously they are feeding off from the vibe they might be getting from you. IDK...

I need to be my absolute best for the kids. I can't so that when I let my heart be heavy.

This ^^^^^ is the answer and where ALL your focus should be.
By just accepting what is today, by GALing and living in the present - really, really focusing in the present and all the good you have, you will be the best FOR YOU and therefore, for your kids.

I know part of my current struggle is also that I am lonely. Day in and day out over the years raising the kids, growing from this sitch , and no one to share my life with, to support my kids with, it's hitting me harder these days. I very been making an effort to see friends when I can to counter the feelings. But sometimes , you know, I just want someone to watch tv with. I feel that is so far away.

Busting, my dear, dear friend. I also feel lonely. We both have been at this for so long. I tell myself that this is part of the grieving process... So when these feelings invade me, I go back to asking myself the hard questions:

Is this loneliness affecting me to the point of wanting to change things?
I am getting closer to deciding closing the door - but is it time yet?

I have read that people don't change their circumstances until the rewards of change outweigh the pain of continuing with the status quo...

And that is the hard question for those standing - am I ready to change because my pain is just too much that I cannot continue with my current course of action?

Only you can answer that.
But it's important to keep asking ourselves, because that is what taking care of YOU means... To make sure that you are acting in a way that will make you happy.
Only you will know if standing is still worth it.

And in that self-reflection it's important to really, really ask ourselves what are we really standing for:
- For the return of the man our husband currently is, or the idealized version that we made in our minds.
- Is it even possible for that version we remember (or want) to ever come back after all this time and all that has happened?
- Did that version ever exist?
- Or are we standing for the notion of "the intact family" that we always dreamed of?

The more time passes, the more I question these things...
Because like you, at the end of the day I want (AND DESERVE) to be in a loving, healthy R with someone. I think I have learned enough from this life lesson to offer a much healthier version of me for my next R.
And I deserve someone to love me 100% and someone that will treat me like #1 and someone who shares my same goals in a R.
(And I am not sure anymore that my H will ever be able to offer me that anymore even if he ever came back...)

And so when you get down and sad and lonely, ask yourself - Is my current course of action, and all this pain worth it?

If the answer is still "yes"
then take a deep breathe,
dig deeper,
accept what is,
get your focus back on making the best of your CURRENT life
and make yourself happy.

If the answer is "not anymore"
then it's time to make a change.

Either way, TAKE CONTROL of your situation and make yourself (and your kids) happy with what your life is TODAY.
((((((((((((((busting)))))))))))))