DISCLAIMER: This is my thread, I will post many questions, journal my thoughts and days events as I chose to do. Please feel free to advise or comment. I am not interested in "debating" anyone, but I may have more questions after you post a comment. I am here to gain from the experiences of your situation. I ask that you explain your reasoning... Please do not feel that I am out to attack or not hearing your advice. I value your time and may just need further clarification for understanding purposes. Do not make judgement or assume that I am not listening. Just because I may not understand, that does not open the door to assume things for not understanding. I believe I have proven myself enough that I have listened and continue to do my best in my DB'ing efforts. I really appreciate the advice that makes me think and look (or is specific) to the actions I need to do and at how I can make the change. I respond better to gentle nudges and encouragement. THANK YOU, Magic
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
last posting: good morning... spent some time "thinking"... I really don't believe I appear "desperate" to him. Although I am personally anxious. I don't think he can "see" it. To him, I appear busy, and on the go... no time!
He may "know" that I am waiting... but I am not acting like a desperate woman.
I may be asking for advice on what to do about the position I am in, BUT I can mention the Things I am NOT doing:
I am not clingy (begging, pleading) I am not calling him (unless business) I am not texting (unless business, with the exception of my "good night" reply) I am not jumping at every "coffee" he offers I am not crying I am not hanging off of him I am not pursuing him in ANY way shape or form. I am not giving myself away or making it easy for him... I am not ...
I value myself. I may be in a position where the ball is in his court, but I am not manipulating or controlling him to make a decision that he may not want. I want him to decide based on HIS desire, not mine. As Sandi pointed out... He WILL take advantage, because he already has... What can/should be done about this?
I am however disappointed that after 20 years...the signs are not clear and obvious to him.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I wish you would explain the "to his financial advantage" comment that you mentioned out of mediation. It was rather cryptic but sure sounded like he is expecting some latitude financially in exchange for keeping the door open to a personal relationship. Is that what you actually meant to report? Is that what HE actually said in the meeting?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hmmm. Trying to understand how to write this without him sounding bad. H resents the years he feels I didn't contribute (right or wrong). I did. However he now has financial fears. He is looking to secure his financial future before being able to reconcile. As the mediator stated. She feels he really does love me but is conflicted and as he said he really doesn't know what love means. He is seeking financial security and admits to needing help figuring out what he wants out of life. He admits there is an emotional wall. The mediator was able to design a way to oroect his financial interests that may also be suitable to me too. But, it is designed as a cohabitation agreement along with reconciliation.
If he agrees. We could be fine.
If not. Then I will have to negotiate a much better agreement for separation, as this agreement is far more suitable to his financial security.
I hope this makes some sense. If not, ask away!!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I think you need to be a lot less trusting. You immediately bonded with the mediator, she says things you like to hear, emotional things, and her job is nothing more than to get you and H to agree on a deal.
I would be very concerned about an agreement that includes cohabiting or reconciliation. I've been married for many years to someone who didn't really want to be married to me, and I've cohabited for a year and a half with someone who wanted to be gone. I thought if we just lived together he'd see how much better I was, he'd see how much easier it is being together than apart, blah blah blah. You can't make someone love you out of proximity, and it is sheer torture to live with someone who doesn't cherish you.
Understand: His financial interests are most protected if you go away with nothing. Divide up your stuff in an *equitable* way and stop talking about protecting him or conditioning the deal on an emotion that can change on a dime.
Many of us were married for the 20 years you were cohabiting. If our husband said we were less deserving because we weren't contributing, the law would disagree. I can tell you, that is what my husband has said. While I was raising our kids and cooking his meals, and working, he has told me he was *subsidizing me* all along and thinks I have already gotten what I deserved by that. I believe the law sees it differently.
Get the most *equitable* and *fair* deal you can get and PLEASE stop connecting it with if you get back together or not. You can get back together with 50% of his assets JUST AS EASILY as you can get back together with 30%.
When do you go back for more mediation? Would you consider seeing a lawyer in between, so you know what you should really be entitled to?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
H just asked me for breakfast tomorrow with my dd. I had a client call interrupt so was unable to answer right away. I said I would ask dd and let him know
I am thrilled as this will be our first time together as a family since the summer. but honestly wish he was asking me for drinks tonight too ... Baby steps ?
I asked him what he was going tonight. He said valentines pizza. (He means alone ).
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Yep, we both bonded with the mediator. I agree, she said things that I wanted to hear, but he backed them up... as well. Her job was to mediate finances, but decided to mediate a relationship at the same time. She would not have taken that position if her one on one time with him, didn't make her feel like she shouldn't.
The deal for consideration is:
1) business division (40% share in equity for me, until more can be determined) 2) H and I to match dollar for dollar and purchase a home (offering me security) and him financial security from me "reaching for his share in the house"... a co habitation agreement.
or
3) separation agreement ... this will include me "reaching" for more of a share in the house that I made a home in, as well.
WITHOUT Doubt... I know he loves and misses me, very much. He is very afraid to make an emotion/physical connection with me fearing he will not be able to make a decision with his head. This is why he wants to make an agreement and then put the financial agreement aside and attempt reconciliation. I would NEVER force this issue. AND.. I value myself to not *settle* for less than a commitment of some kind (and not just a business commitment). I am wanting marriage, but might be ok with co-habitation in a mutual home. Still thinking of this.
HE needs to realize that he wants me. I will not settle and be with him in any what until I hear he has made a decision.... I may appear "waiting" but I am not giving myself away. I am not jumping all over this. I am in the back, but still going out and GAL. I don't know what other options I have at this point.
The mediator wrote us a letter the next day, suggesting i share it with h. It was a very long letter outlining our options. I asked him today if he received it yesterday. He said he started to read it this morning.
Without a court appearance proving my position and constructive trust... I am likely NOT entitled to anything in that house. However, if I can prove it (very good case, 20years), then I am entitled to something. I have spoke to a lawyer... but I am not willing to waste money going to court. Its crazy!!
It seems difficult and poor timing now to take a stance when Reconcilliation is on the table (finally)... I would hate to blow it all out of proportion. Which is why the co-habitation agreement was designed by the mediator. She saw all kinds of emotion from him.
~~~~
The part that I don't like: after 20 years of loving/knowing/foundation/emotional & deep intimacy (that he agrees with 100%) .... why does he need to "think"... and take his time doing so? its soooo obvious to me, 20 years is WORTH another chance in my books. ... and while he is "thinking" it feels like more rejection.... my nose is out of joint at times...
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Fighting... he couldn't take the fighting anymore. I don't recall what the fights were about...Just normal stuff, i think.
After his best friend died, he started to re-evaluate his life. He also mentioned that he thought that if he threw me a rope, that I would just hang myself. He lost his trust in me.... He "thought" that the male friend I had around the house (doing work for us), was someone I was going to leave him for. He kept encouraging this friendship. And yes, he became an EA...but not someone I was going to leave a 20 year rel'p.
SO.... what now?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Our family breakfast date went very nice, talking about DD & random stuff...all good. Then h went home for a bit, and we met up a little later to do some shovelling and moving some vehicles. Then when he was dropping me back off at my car, we sat there talking about sasual work stuff for about another hour. Then he had to go. This is the first time, I haven't really rushed off.
Expectations were a little high, as I had wanted him to reach out and hold me somehow or get into some R discussion or something. Gosh... I really miss touch! Yes, those are MY wants... not my actions. I know he misses affection. After our mediation appt. I had asked him what are some of the ways that he liked that allowed him to feel loved by me. He stated, the fact that I made the efforts to reach out to him.
I have noticed tho.. he does allow me to touch him without pulling away. Today, he got up from under a vehicle, covered in snow and he allowed me to brush him off and under his jacket & bum too. He also allowed me to adjust his sweater. I just want him to reach out & grab me, hold me and kiss me!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Today I decided to value myself and not fear... so I slept in, as much as I wanted. But, I woke up consumed of thoughts of h and our possible re-connection... wondering (knowing that he was working). I wanted to make contact. Soooo, I texted & asked him how his day was going, and if his helper showed up. He replied immediately telling me how tired and busy he has been. I then texted back saying I bet he was tired and sent him a pic of a vacay spot in the maldives with a big bathtub, etc. This is the first personal picture I have sent him. We have spoke often of warm vacations or at least hot tubbing. Hope this wasn't coming across as too pushy or pursuing... thoughts?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
