Unlearning Conflict Avoidance - 9

[LuckyLuke]

W has told daughter that we are looking for an apartment and selling the house, that the future will be like The Road (Cormac McCarthy) soon.

Expectable, but it still hurt to hear it.

Luke

[MrBond]

You need to pull her to the side and start telling her that she had no right to talk to your D alone like that about your situation. That the two of you should have discussed what to say and done it together so as not to impact the kids too much.

STOP accepting things the way they are and start doing something.

[MrBond]

BTW, her telling your D that the future is going to be like "The Road" is painting her as the victim. Comparing herself to a struggling father in a post-apocalyptic world with cannibals is over the top melodrama at its finest.

Had to laugh at that one. Hope you don't get offended, but I personally think your W is a b*tch. Just IMHO.

[LuckyLuke]

I'd love to put you and her in a cage sometime, Mr. Bond, metaphorically, and watch the sparks fly.

Reading "Getting Past your Breakup" - good stuff. I guess I avoid emotions -

Perhaps the last 10 sexless, mostly loveless years, have already seen some grieving done - I certainly hope so.

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Oh, for your amusement, W has also said that the housing market would crash (unlikely here in Sweden) and that our house, being old and drafty, will become unattractive due to its heating costs (yes, it is expensive to heat). She persuaded s20 to read D.H. Lawrence's The Rainbow for school, which he described as "page after page of endlessly negativity".

Luke

[MrBond]

"I'd love to put you and her in a cage sometime, Mr. Bond, metaphorically, and watch the sparks fly. "

You should be doing that.

[LuckyLuke]

So d15 is not expecting a divorce, I think, given her statement that "we" are looking for an apartment. What do we tell her when W starts looking, which might be next week already (school break)? How does one break this news? Is the "ma and I unfortunately don't get along anymore and so we are looking for separate places" tack good? It seems to be, as it is honest, and respectful of d15. I am concerned that doing this in the school year could influence d15's grades and experience of school.

Does each of the apartments or houses or whatever need to have a bedroom for each kid? s20 is away at college, in his 2nd year.

One possibility is that I stay in the ground floor apartment here. It has the advantage of being easy to move into, but small, really just for one person. Perhaps not leaving is psychologically also not leaving the R -

Getting Past your Breakup is useful.

Luke

[makingmagic]

bravo Bond....I applaud your approach here!! Luke!! Put yourself in that cage with wifey!! Let the sparks fly! Tell her the way it WILL BE for YOU!

Magic

[LuckyLuke]

Journaling feelings, taken from a letter to a (gay woman) friend:

So a divorce really truly seems to be on the horizon here. d15 told me last night that “we” are looking for an apartment, as the housing market and world will crash soon. If only she knew that “we” is not what she thinks.

I was devastated, but did not show it. So W has told our still at home child that we are moving, without asking me. I suppose I am glad that W broached this, if it has to be, and not me, but this makes it so much more concrete.

Oh friend, I so hate to leave my marriage, this house, this place. To feel the hand of time and parting and being alone again. There is so much comfort for the spirit here, in the routine, and coming to a shared place, to hear the sounds of the others, to be home.

Oh my dear.

***

Magic - what do you mean by how it will be for me? How good my life will be? I think there is going to be a large chunk of grief to digest first, then - maybe - something lighter coming, with work.

You want me to show my anger at Wife scr**ing up my life? Breaking what is dear and comforting to me?

Luke

[KenF]

"d15 told me last night that “we” are looking for an apartment, as the housing market and world will crash soon.
If only she knew that “we” is not what she thinks."

Luke, how could you not tell her? how can you allow her to think the wrong that she is thinking? You've become part of the lie by not clearing up her confusion. She will blame you for this, and she will be correct.

i've had the fear you're living, it is a horrible feeling to be scared all the time. but, for the sake of your children, you must force yourself to get past this. stop with the over-analyzing, this is only causing you more problems. you read too much, think too much and never act. just act for once, and damn the consequences.

i think you'll find that all it takes is once, just once go past your fear and act, and it will not be as bad as you imagine. the fear and consequences are in your mind and are causing complete paralysis.

just act.