Could not come up with a new thread name, so here it goes again.
Bringing these from the last thread.
Originally Posted By: LoisB
Bright, I don't hear you being a doormat. But, I do hear you having a hard time detaching still. You seem very concerned about doing, saying, emailing, texting, etc...in a such a way that he will "run back into the rabbit hole."
I only hear it because I've been there so many times myself. Relax. Be the awesome, fabulous YOU and let it go. Turn it over to God.
You will drive yourself crazy trying so hard. I've been there.
Heather, you are right, I’m not detached yet. I still have ways to go to fully detach though. But, I feel a lot better these days and I’m not that concerned about what he is doing. Yes, certain things bother me, but I don’t lose my sleep over them. I’m not trying that hard, but I do want to do the right things and I don’t want to lose an opportunity if one presents itself. With the limited contact (even thought lately it has been more frequent) I only have so many chances to do the things right. I don’t know if it makes sense. I do tend to over think thought. You are right about it.
Originally Posted By: Job
Bright, You are not a door mat by any means. You are a very kind and caring individual who is trying to do the right thing.
If you haven't texted him about the sand bags, then wait a while longer to see if he mentions them. They aren't something of an urgent nature, so sit on them for a bit.
Please do not be afraid to try different things. There's no right or wrong way to deal w/someone in crisis...you just have to try different things until the right key clicks in the lock.
Please do not try to second guess yourself. Okay?
Thanks, Job. This is exactly what I need to do, to try new things. I’ve been afraid to do it all this time. I just don’t know what these new things might be. I’ve done this no-reply approach before. Sometimes I didn’t even acknowledge his e-mails, when there was no answer required. It didn’t seem have any difference back then. I feel that the situation is somewhat changed. He’s been in more contact recently, with more elaborate e-mails and phone calls. I’m still trying to figure out how to react.
I still haven’t told him about the package. The thoughts of his reasons for not telling me about it and not asking about it keep running through my head. I need to stop this.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Sent H an e-mail yesterday about the package. I don’t think he opened his e-mails yet. At the same time there is still no inquiry from him about this package. Very interesting. I’m starting to think that he put my address by mistake, like an old habit, LOL.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi bright I don't think he used the address out of habit- I think he knew what he was doing. They take such great pains to avoid us and give us 'false hope' that I think he would be very aware of where he was sending a package to. Especially at this stage of his journey.
And I want to reiterate - you are not a doormat. I think we become so conditioned in society to 'get back' at the people that 'wrong' us with reactions that are destructive and damaging. We are conditioned that we react these ways because it will show we have pride and self respect ( divorce, a counter affair, lashing out, etc) so when we DB- it is so counter-intuitive it can make us feel that we 'should' be 'doing' something more 'normal'.
People may see us as doormats but I strongly disagree. I think we are breaking the pattern and cycle of broken and destructive behaviours, choices and lifestyles
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
bright, what busting and job say is so true. About the taking great pains. I see that too. about you not being a doormat. lovely, wise friends here.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
I just read a book that was co-authored by Louise Hay, titled --You Can Heal Your Heart (just released this month). Since you've written about exploring your spirituality, mentioned recently watching Wayne Dyer's film, The Shift, learning about Law of Attraction, etc, I thought you would appreciate this spiritually based book as much as I have. :-)
It covers all kinds of loss - breakup, divorce (including affairs/OW), grieving what never was (our plan A life) and how to best deal with our actual life (plan B). Louise talks about learning to honor the love...but no longer honoring the pain.
The following also deeply struck me:
"Can you just accept the truth? Why let fairy-tale thinking manipulate the situation? This is a moment when you're struggling and should be grieving. Can you grieve the disappointment fully and be done? Why chase someone who doesn't want you? Why would you want to bring that kind of neediness into your consciousness?"
"No one out there is your source or holds the key to true love for you. True love is always inside you, and you decide, consciously or unconsciously, whether you allow yourself to access it."
The Power of Mirror Work: She strongly suggests nurturing SELF LOVE and SELF WORTH through mirror work. And she mentions that any resistance you may feel....comes from a part of you that finds yourself unlovable.
So....
Every morning and every night before going to bed (and even in between if you pass a mirror) tell yourself the following type of positive affirmations:
I love you
I will be good to you
I love and accept you exactly as you are
All the love I need is within me
These are just a few examples from this lovely book. While reading the book and then coming on this forum afterwards (and remembering some of what you've written) I felt compelled to share some of this info with you. :-)
Hi BF, I'd say when we feel like a doormat, (notice I didn't say when OTHERS see us as a doormat) then there is some truth to it. As such, I think it's important enough to address in some manner. For me, it would be finding a way to feel some control over the situation. Say or DO (or refuse to do) something that shows me standing up for myself.
It seems maybe you fret over your every word, text, email a little more than you should. H certainly isn't doing that! Maybe just be yourself and do/say what YOU want. What works for you?
You already know you can't fix H, I want you to know you really can't mess this up either.
Be brave, be you!
IDK how this sounds to you, but it's been working for me.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Busting, I think you are right that he knew where he sending the package to. Maybe he is not trying to avoid me anymore and just the opposite, trying to see if I’m still there.
FY, I don’t think I actually feel like a doormat. I just do nice things for people when I feel like it, including H, even though he hurt me. It is other people’s opinions that make me doubt myself. Like my friends and family get angry at me for doing things for H. They think that I should just tell to get lost and take care of his sh!t himself. I do stand for myself when I need to.
You are actually right, and do think about every word, e-mail, etc. when it comes to communicating with H. I do need to be more brave and express my feelings more openly. I’ve come a long way to do it with my friends and family and other people, but I seems to still not be able to do it with H. This might be the key to my final detachment. And at this point, who cares how I come across to him. He already rejected me, so I can be who I am without worrying how he preserves me. After all, I’m not trying to win him back by being fake. If he doesn’t like me the way I am, it is his problem. Thanks for the advice.
NewOutlook, thanks for telling me about the new book by Louise Hay. I’m signed up on her website, but I didn’t know about the new book. I was still going through all other info in there, and there is a lot. These are very powerful thoughts that you quoted from her book. I’m slowly learning how to let go of the outcome in any situation. Some days I feel very strongly that I can do it, and some days I slip back to my old thinking patterns.
I’m still trying to get used to some of the info out there. I was raised in a non-religious society and non-religious family, so sometimes the mention of God just throws me off. But, I have a degree in science and studied the quantum physics, so this part actually makes a lot of sense to me. I also believe in karma.
I completely agree with the notion why to pursue someone who doesn’t want you. I left my H alone to go on his journey, I never begged him to come back home and reconsider. But, deep in my heart I still have hope that one day he will realize what we had together was the best thing. This hope is hard to let go. I am actually almost 100% sure that this what is going to happen. He is still searching for his “perfect” mate with no success so far. One reason is that it is so hard to match with what he is used to with me, in spite of some disagreements we had. He might find somebody who will like him the way he is now, but it will not be good enough for him. This is not just my opinion, this is also our friends’ and my relatives’ opinion too.
Oh well, I’m learning to let it go and trust the universe to take care of things in exactly the time they are supposed to happen.
Still no word from H about the package. I think he hasn’t opened his e-mails yet.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I completely agree with the notion why to pursue someone who doesn’t want you. I left my H alone to go on his journey, I never begged him to come back home and reconsider. But, deep in my heart I still have hope that one day he will realize what we had together was the best thing. This hope is hard to let go. I am actually almost 100% sure that this what is going to happen. He is still searching for his “perfect” mate with no success so far. One reason is that it is so hard to match with what he is used to with me, in spite of some disagreements we had. He might find somebody who will like him the way he is now, but it will not be good enough for him.
This pretty well sums up how I feel too, Bright. It's difficult to imagine that my h will one day be a whole person again but I haven't given up hope. After being with our h's for so many years it's painful to watch them suffering no matter what the cause or reason. To me it's no different than having a serious physical illness. It's been hard to let him go.
I see you becoming stronger and more detached as I read through your recent posts. Yes, we all have that affliction. Trying to second guess and analyze motives, behavior and conversations is something I struggle with often. Keep your focus on yourself and ignore what well meaning friends and relative advise you to do. The friends that we have on this forum are a much better source information and advice.
As for someone else liking them for who they are now, they can have them the way they are now! We want a better version of the person that they were prior to the beginning of their journey.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
NLT, thanks for stopping by. Yes, I do want a better version of the person that I know H can be. He has all the potential.
I did finally get an e-mail from him replying to my e-mail about the package. He politely asked me to bring the package with me when I go to the vacation home. He didn’t explain why it came to my house though. Then he told me that he is planning to stay somewhere else in a couple of weeks, so I and “the youngsters” (my son and his GF) could stay in the condo. This is so nice of him. I didn’t ask him about it, I just told my GF over there that we are planning to come over (it will be an off roads race weekend) and I would like my son to stay in the condo, and I would find somewhere else to stay. So, H offered to all of us to stay at the condo, yeah. It is actually funny how it works. I communicate with my GF and tell her about my plans, I don’t mention anything to H, and next thing I know he knows my plans and makes the offer. At the end of the e-mail he says “See you in a couple of weeks.” Is he really planning to see me and not hide from me?
After reading his e-mail, I smiled. It made me feel good. He is back to being nice and considerate person I knew. I had no expectations. And I don’t have any when I go to the vacation home. I just want to enjoy myself and the event.
I feel stronger and more confident that I’m moving in the right direction. Maybe this has something to do with the daily meditations and love affirmations that I’m sending to H and everybody important to me. I feel more at peace. Maybe this is a beginning of finally letting go and dropping the rope.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
BF thanks for dropping by my thread. I wish I had some good advice for you, but you seem to be heading in the right direction with regard to your husband. I hope that proves to be a good thing for you.
Having read through your recent posts again I think I will try the Louise Hay book, sounds just the thing I need right now.
