So when are you going to tell your W what you think is appropriate to talk to BOTH your children about, and how she needs to talk to you first before telling them about anything?
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Luke, sometimes I really don't know you. But you have to show your bravery a lot more.
I know it's there b/c you can't do the Essential Experience Workshop and get anything out of it, without great courage.
But when it comes to your wife and d, it's a strange thing to read here of your "lost comforts" and "suddenly being alone"...
you ARE alone a LOT NOW and only your d's dwindling r with you, remains...and is not improving. Time living where you are now and AS you are now, will Not help.
You need to face this NOW....and read the past few posts (gabby's mom and Ken's again) b/c you are NOT helping your d.
You aren't! You are hiding. Stop hiding or your d will never bother looking for you. She'll be so used to you not "really" being around (b/c you are hiding emotionally) that there won't be much to miss, will there?
YOU CAN DO THIS LUKE!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"d15 told me last night that “we” are looking for an apartment, as the housing market and world will crash soon. If only she knew that “we” is not what she thinks."
Luke, how could you not tell her? how can you allow her to think the wrong that she is thinking? You've become part of the lie by not clearing up her confusion. She will blame you for this, and she will be correct.
i've had the fear you're living, it is a horrible feeling to be scared all the time. but, for the sake of your children, you must force yourself to get past this. stop with the over-analyzing, this is only causing you more problems. you read too much, think too much and never act. just act for once, and damn the consequences.
i think you'll find that all it takes is once, just once go past your fear and act, and it will not be as bad as you imagine. the fear and consequences are in your mind and are causing complete paralysis.
just act.
Luke, you are a sweet man. Maybe too sweet?? But gird yourself.
Read this^^ again. And act.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
That may have been one of the most proper and non-alpha letters I have ever read from a male on here. You still need to overcome your fear and start letting your passion show.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
All - I do not think it is good to tell my d15 about our divorcing before the summer. Perhaps she is tougher than I give her credit for, but I can see this messing up her school year, which doesn't have to be.
Also, I don''t think we should move before the summer.
Yes, the kids need to know, but on my schedule, and not my W's.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
THATS AWESOME !!! Hope you enjoy the movie with D!! Truly truly AWESOME !!
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To answer you: (how it will BE for YOU)
LOOK ^^^^^ at your thread title "unlearning conflict avoidance"... are you doing this again (avoiding)?
Bond, suggests ACTING on passion. What are you passionate about RIGHT NOW? (hint: moving)... You "think" you shouldn't move before the summer, you want to tell the kids on your schedule. Have you "ACTED" on this? or have you supressed it?
What do you think you should be saying to wifey? and how?
As Ken suggests "You think too much and never act. just act for once, and damn the consequences"
DO IT!! Please!!
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As I am still just learning about this stuff myself, please make sure that my comments/suggestions are backed up by a few others or a vet before proceeding!!
((hugs)) Magic.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"Yes, the kids need to know, but on my schedule, and not my W's."
Really? And when do you plan to tell your W that? I just see you posting what you plan to do, etc. But I don't see you actually doing anything. Then when your W goes and tells your D that you're divorcing, you're going to come on these boards and complain about it. It's YOUR responsibility to take action on this. You're extremely passive aggressive about all this.
"D wants to go see American Hustle with me, so that is good. "
It is good. HOWEVER, you are the one who should be suggesting these things. You keep saying that you want a 'plan' for a good M, but you don't even know how to invite your D to something. You have to work on your PERSONAL relationship skills. THAT is the key to a good relationship.
I don't know what you've done to do that all this time. Yes, going out with friends is great, HOWEVER you still can't hug your daughter.
Be spontaneous! Be brave!
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I did suggest going to the movie to d15 - simply asked if she was interested, and she was.
W is continually with d15 just now (this is sport break vacation week) - I need to find a time when W is alone and then talk.
The points I want to make are:
o D is lousy, and I would rather repair our M, but given how bad things have been and are, it makes sense o we are both the kids parents, so share them 50/50 time-wise o we move in the summer and tell them just after school ends o we do this together. o the kids are number 1.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
