I'm wondering why you asked instead of firmly saying, "we need to talk about something privately". What happened to: "...go up to your W and tell her you need to speak with her alone. Don't ask her..."
In isolation, you asking her isn't a big deal at all. In context, it's just a continuance of subordinated behavior, which is exactly why I suggested you TELL her instead of ASK her. You need to change your mentality towards your W. All of these individual situations, conflicts, and incidents will be remedied if you correct your mentality.
Does that make sense?
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
PM - yes, it does. Getting to and staying at that level is the crux here. The phrases "knowing my rights" and "enforcing my borders" come to mind, something I need to get better at. Thanks - Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
PM - yes, it does. Getting to and staying at that level is the crux here. The phrases "knowing my rights" and "enforcing my borders" come to mind, something I need to get better at. Thanks - Luke
There isn't a secret trick to staying at that level. The secret is to make the decision, right now, to act that way. Just act that way, RIGHT NOW. The accumulation of all the "RIGHT NOW" moments over time will be you keeping it up over time. But don't worry about the next time. Just do it this time. Just do it now.
As long as you take care of the present, you're good.
I'm not busting your balls here, but what were you thinking when you went in and asked her? Did you forget to tell her? Did you think it wasn't a big deal? Were you nervous to speak to her that way?
If you don't feel comfortable answering, or just don't want to, that's fine, but it's definitely food for thought.
But I guarantee if you keep taking care of RIGHT NOW, you'll begin to change. Over time that change will become habit, and then that habit will become the new you.
Luke, you deserve to be treated with respect. For those who don't treat you that way, they need to be reminded of that fact.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
hmm.. I think it's best not to go overboard with the "love her endlessly"...(sounds too romantic to me) but DO tell her happiness means very much to you.
I'd bring up the elephant in the room (explaining why on earth YOU stayed in this terribly lonely m so long and how you have not been your authentic self, etc) with a comment that
You assumed that remaining in the house/marriage, was 'best for her'. You now see that maybe it was a flawed assumption (or not), but still, she deserves to know it was your intention, i.e. doing what was best for her.
You can also express the belief that of course "if [you] had it all to do over again, there are lots of things [you'd] do differently"---which is not a wimpy thing to say or an escalation of anything.
BUT LUKE, please don't OWN the divorce with that^^ remark. It's meant to show that you are changing, but not that you were "the ONE" responsible for the demise of the m. Nor are you to blame your w, in front of your d. AS SAID, the comment about doing things differently, is pretty authentic for you, or so I think. Do you agree? (It's your call)
Luke, just for me to be clear, imagine this scenario:
You are suddenly "placed" in this marriage instead of having been here for decades, & somehow, in some way, you KNOW that your d will not be harmed more by the choice you make about the marriage now,
the choice being to remain in THIS m, or to leave it...
I like to think you'd leave it...am I wrong? Dig deep and find that answer if you can. IF it's true, let your d know that, let her know SHE (and son as well) was a huge factor in your choice, if not THE ONLY or the biggest factor.
Let me break down what is the biggest fear here...RE your daughter.
Is your biggest concern that she needs to know how much you care for her?
OR, regardless of whether she knows you love her, is your biggest fear that she genuinely does not enjoy being with you;
OR
that her opinion of you is so influenced by your w, that she won't even like or respect you...
OR she does not know what she means to you AND some/all of the ^^above, too??
These ^^ answers will help me to advise. Luke, You really can do this.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I like the way PM puts it... RIGHT NOW, for now! and as he says, you deserve to be treated with respect. THIS was very hard for me to do. I too needed to gain respect. It starts with accepting that WE deserve respect. I was scared to do this, fearing that it might push h away even further. To disobey his demands... I finally took a dose of OH WELL, lets see how this goes... and to my surprize he respected me (after much kicking and stomping). He respects me now and doesn't behave the same on those issues. Now I am learning that he needs to respect our 20 year relationship a bit more than what he does (he assumes it will always BE HERE). ... the way I understand to do this, is for me to back off, and allow him to move forward. Let him "save" the relationship... not me! Let him do the work... Lets see if he does.
I deserve to know.
Wouldn't you like to know .... don't u deserve to know what she will do if you STAND UP? will the whole relationship fall out?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
