H moving out tomorrow

[T-boned]

TL, going dark, the way I understand it, doesn't mean you can't communicate about 'business' items like getting bills paid, having your car key, or getting tax info - I had to do this just recently. I think it just involves not contacting him first about 'non-timely' matters, and not engaging in casual conversation or emails. Keep it short and to the point.

I reluctantly called my H yesterday (I've been as dark as possible for a while now) to tell him I had the house appraised that day - I thought calling was good since it is a big step. Wish I had just emailed him - it upsets me to talk to him. I kept it short on my end and when I tried to end the conversation, he started asking me about work...blah, blah, blah. All I wanted was to hang up! And when I did, I cried. I loved hearing his voice but was sad his 'happy' attitude wasn't because he was talking to me. It's just difficult! But a few minutes later I got busy with something else and tried to divert my mind. You'll get lots of practice doing that....

So glad to hear you went out with a friend last night! It really helps even though some times you just don't feel like it. Do it anyway. Try to say 'Yes' to anything friends or family ask you to do, again, even if you don't feel like it.

Good move to see the doctor. And isn't it crazy just how many people you are beginning to meet that are either going thru this or have gone thru it? It amazes me, but saddens me too that there is so much hurt going on out in the world due to people and their relationships with other people. Guess it's just the human condition because I think this has been going on since people have been interacting. On a more positive note, most everyone I know or who I've talked to about this (both male and female) say it does get better - you just have to make sure you take care of yourself, and it seems you are on that path.

Yes, move forward but don't beat yourself up for going a couple steps back - it's going to happen - just keep the forward progress no matter how slow it goes. I, and all the others are here for you!! You're doing great!

Have a good day today, and be good to yourself.

I'll check back soon.

[TL72*]

Thanks T-boned
good to know about the going dark & contact about important issues, it can be confusing to know if you're doing the right thing and I hate analyzing everything I do. Time to "let it go" and trying to stop wondering about it all the time. I hear ya on the voice thing, but at the same time when he called last week to pick up the last of his things it was so surreal, like talking to someone I barely knew. Today has been good, the weather is good and I went to the store, bought myself lunch and a lottery ticket came home and cleaned, did trash, litter boxes, kitchen, walked the dogs and re-organized my other closet. Now my things are spread out and the empty holes he left are filled. Now if I could do that in my heart i realize it's early and I'm trying to push this pain along when in reality it will take awhile. You had your house appraised, I'll have to go read your sitch - are you keeping it and just refi-ing or are you going to sell it? I have the house and have to refi within a year which will be costly, just something else I have to accept. I don't want to add selling the house to this mess right now, maybe when i'm further along. Since we don't have kids I figure he has no reason to ever speak to me again once I get the final papers and take him off my health insurance. That will be April when the D is final and I can send in that paperwork, til then he is paying me his half of it. He's so stubborn I can see him just never coming back. Can't worry about it, must move forward! Part of me still thinks he will realize that the grass isn't greener and that I really am not to blame for all of his issues. Ok enough obsessing on this for today going to go do some more house chores and make this place into my own personal sanctuary! thanks again for your support.

[TL72*]

DXW - I went to reply on your thread but there's no reply option on it anymore for some reason. I don't remember what I wanted to say now either lol. Just when I think I have a grasp on this it gets back in my head and stirs things around. Then I re-read a lot of the posts here and that helps, acceptance is my goal. It's hard to come to terms with the whole idea that this could take years. Yes I know I will be ok, just don't think I can wait that long. Some days I think yes and others I'm like eff it. He's certainly not waiting for me lol. time it takes time. one day at a time. Tomorrow is grocery shopping, painting the ceiling. learning to love myself. oh I went through that whole blaming myself thing but I did figure out quickly that this was not me, just him blaming me for all of it and saying that this was not his home and trying to hurt me with words. i know the real story. hoping one day he remembers it.

[TL72*]

tonight I emailed again to ask for my car key and the check for the utilities he owes me. he responded that he was looking for a remote to his cd player. I found it and responded asking him when he wanted to make the exchange. he said tomorrow (monday) after work. I suggested meeting at the kroger parking lot so he doesn't have to come to the house. I didn't want him riling up the dogs or coming inside i guess. he said ok. it amazes me that this person was my best friend, lover, everything for 17 years and doesn't ask how I am, expresses zero concern, I just get angry and hurt and I know that's so dumb. Praying for strength and to take the anger away. Just venting because I have to see him tomorrow and his cold heartedness is painful. Now that he's gone from the house though, at least i'm not in limbo anymore, not walking on eggshells, going to become a virgin again hahah. Going to try and get a positive attitude. Was just a bad day but I did tape up to paint and moved pictures around and cleaned the bathrooms. small changes! going to try and go out at least one day each weekend to keep my mind off of it. learning patience.

[CallaghanClown]

Concentrate on you....you'll get there.

[movinup]

I found it much easier with H out of the house. I too am in the midst of painting everything the colors I want. Guess it will be good if I have to sell or lease the place.

[courageouswife]

(((HUGS))) TL! You continue to amaze me with your strength! YOu are doing well!

[T-boned]

Hey TL, just now read your reply to my post. Sorry, it's been a short weekend - got home on Friday, had Saturday to get things done, and this afternoon I had to return to the area where I have been working out of town for the last couple of years. It's a 4 hour drive from my home to the hotel. Just got in and decided to check the boards.

Gosh, I know all the feelings you are having or had. It does get confusing trying to figure out if you are really being dark or not, but it sounds like you got it. And then tryiing to come to terms with their coldness, the wall they put up. One day, no, one minute you are their 'wife', best friend, and lover, then when you hear the ILYBNILWY it all changes. Yes, how do they just seem to put you at such a distance after all the years you have spent together? From what I understand it's just part of the MLC/WAS syndrome. And it isn't all you or what you did or didn't do - it's mainly within them.
Here's an explanation I found here a while back - has helped me a lot to read and reread on a regular basis:

"That's the way I used to look at it with my S, that I just couldn't understand why they would "throw away" financial security, a long relationship with a faithful spouse, a great home and retirement setup, etc. etc. for a fantasy life that exists only in their head. But the reality of it is that is how much the WAS hates their current life. They are so unhappy and miserable that they willingly give up all the good parts of the M to escape the bad parts. I've read many, many sitches here and the vast majority of the "faults" with the LBS center around simple, easy-to-solve issues. Yet the WAS insists these seemingly minor infractions can never be righted. So the LBS is left asking why? Why can't it be fixed? Why isn't the WAS willing to try? There is no reasonable answer to that question. What you have to understand is to the WAS, the way they feel is 100% real and accurate (to them). They feel so wronged that the only solution is to leave the M. It's not a decision they take lightly and they're constantly arguing with themselves internally over it. But they keep coming back to that as the only solution."

Don't know if that resonates with you, but it sure did with me. I have a few more I'll pass along as we go, but I thought maybe it would be something you might find some solace.

Sounds like you are doing well - I wish you strength tomorrow when you see your H. Everyone says to act happy and content when you see them. I still have a hard time with it - I'm pleasent but I know he can see I'm hurting. We've been together for 20+ years - he knows me too well for me to be that convincing. Detaching is the hardest thing - kind of requires you put up your own wall which I really hate doing.

As far as my house goes, it was appraised as part of a re-fi in my name. I would like to stay in the house. Just hope the equity isn;t too high - don't know if I can pay him off if it goes over a certain amount. Remains to be seen.

Hang in there, and protect your heart and yourself.
Again, good luck tomorrow. I'll be curious to see how it went.((Hugs))

[TL72*]

Thank you CC, CW and TB

That explanation you posted spot on. I will re-read that too, thank you for posting it. Yes I too act happy but know that I come across as more cold and indifferent. It will be a brief encounter because he doesn't talk and if he does it's only about his work. Yes I keep telling myself detach, easier said than done. I'm pretty sure he will never come back regardless of his MLC, mostly based on pride and stubbornness. I do keep the door ajar though, it's too soon to close it. I have to refi too, I have a year to do it - originally he had in the papers 90 days. No way I could do all that in 90 days. I don't have to pay him anything, he just walked away from it. My lawyer said i'm "winning" with these divorce papers that I signed, however it feels like losing. He left me with all these pets that I love dearly but i'm afraid that during an appraisal it will lower the value if he comes in and sees all that. I'm going to do more re-arranging (move litter boxes somewhere less noticeable) and perhaps board them all on the day of appraisal. You'd think there would be an easier way to remove someone from a loan. My banker showed me the numbers and it was going to cost me 10k to refi! seemed crazy to me just to remove his name. so annoying. I may do a shorter time frame and see if I can't lower it and get some more competitive rates. Thanks again you guys for responding. I will post tonight on how it went.

[T-boned]

TL, when you said, " I'm pretty sure he will never come back regardless of his MLC, mostly based on pride and stubbornness," my jaw dropped. I've said the very same thing about my H. Are you sure you're not married to my H???

Regarding the appraisal, don't worry much about the cat boxes or the other pets unless they've chewed or scratched holes in your walls, floors, or doors. Appraisers are looking at square footage, condition of the structure, is the outside paint peeling, is the driveway or roof in need of repair, condition of the appliances and floors, ammenities like big windows, big yard, a view, other homes in the neighborhood.

Hey, why is it $10,000 for you to re-fi? Seems a little steep. Ask if he'll roll it into the loan - 10G won't change your monthly payment that much. That way you can spread it out over 30 years or whatever your time frame may be.