Pulled the bloody window tight. I am not going to play games with my W. She knows that the window leaks air (you can feel it), and is just being an irrational, hypocritical b---h.
d15 and I just watched Cocteau's Orpheus together. No, though it may hurt at times, I will not stop loving my d15 and s20. I've always told my d15 that I signed a piece of paper committing me to doing so, and it is true (the loving part, that is).
Luke
I don't understand what that ^^ means. Can you elaborate?
And have you ever asked your d "what if dream" questions,
such as "if you could do ANYTHING you wanted, what would you do/where would you go (and think about that as a vacation spot for you with her AND your son. May I assume they get along?) This can generate some talks that can lead to deep ones.
And ask her about any of her friends you know the name of. (You need to be able to name 3 or more of her closest friends, and what classes/teachers she loves/hates the most. It's sort of a baseline thing).
Those are for basic info, from which other questions can arise.
Where does she want to go to college?
Can you ask her if she wants to do some college trips with you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
that was just something made up, which I told my d15 when she was younger: that I had signed a paper at her birth to protect, help and always take care of her. As she got older, she would say "stop kidding me".
Yes, I've asked what if questions, such as where would she want to go if... (Japan). I imagine s20 would like that also - we had a very good time there, a good while ago, and d15 gets along well with s20.
I'll ask more about her friends, whose names I do know.
Cambridge is her dream college, though her current musically focused education might make getting in there difficult. s20 took IB (free here in Sweden) which we thought was great, and which got him into a (free) school in Scotland (this applies to many European universities, by the way, even for US citizens, or is at least much cheaper than the US, so I always recommend it).
The kids and I have been on a number of trips together already, without W, to Scotland, Istanbul, etc, and had a nice time. s20 is now coming home with girlfriend over spring break, so his and my trip to Sicily needs to be postponed again.
W okay today - civil - asked me to go to dump - and made lunch. W and d15 have been cooking all week, so my usual evening kitchen duty has been on hold.
Going to ask d15 if she wants to bike ride with me - 40F is a warm winter's day here!
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
W opened another window, but latched it properly this time. She also encouraged d15 and me to go skiing this weekend, but d15 declined, citing homework. Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Hey Luke, it's late and I need to sleep so I'm going to send this off now and ask your patience if I repeat myself etc. I just wanted to make some suggestions...
and btw, when you are out in the USA next?
Originally Posted By: LuckyLuke
Hola 25 -
that was just something made up, which I told my d15 when she was younger: that I had signed a paper at her birth to protect, help and always take care of her. As she got older, she would say "stop kidding me".
Yes, I've asked what if questions, such as where would she want to go if... (Japan). I imagine s20 would like that also - we had a very good time there, a good while ago, and d15 gets along well with s20.
I'll ask more about her friends, whose names I do know.
Cambridge is her dream college, though her current musically focused education might make getting in there difficult. s20 took IB (free here in Sweden) which we thought was great, and which got him into a (free) school in Scotland (this applies to many European universities, by the way, even for US citizens, or is at least much cheaper than the US, so I always recommend it).
This^^^ all sounds pretty nice.
The kids and I have been on a number of trips together already, without W, to Scotland, Istanbul, etc, and had a nice time. s20 is now coming home with girlfriend over spring break, so his and my trip to Sicily needs to be postponed again.
Why must it be postponed, "again"? Is he coming home to more formally introduce her to you, or what? Why can't you bring her AND invite your d too? Is the trip important to HIM or is he doing it for you?
Thing is, your d may not be living with you much or at all, in just a matter of weeks or a few months.
I don't mean to depress you; b/c I think that paralyzes you.
I just urge you to stop procrastinating. Your thread title is "unlearning conflict avoidance" but how much better are you at this now? I mean, do you feel you ACT differently with your w? And how about with the kids?
I sense you are gaining tools, but I can't tell if you are USING those tools. You have to stop being so so so afraid.
If you are always afraid, you won't move forward.
Maybe maybe now it's time to move you toward Conflict resolution... which does NOT necessarily mean the other person sees things your way. Conflict resolution can mean you agree to disagree.
But no more decades of unasked questions. Not having any physical contact w/your w - for soooo many years, was not healthy to anyone in your family. IMO, it's a large part of why you struggle with showing affection for your children.
Her rejection of you, which you still do not understand b/c you never asked, hinders your affection with others....yikes...how scary could your w's reaction have been??
I want you to see how supposedly "Avoiding conflict," actually INCREASES conflicts....
One example.
My mil did not want to attend our son's baptism b/c I'm Catholic. OUCH. I was very surprised and very hurt. This deeply wounded me and it permanently affected my relationship with mil, which had been pretty close before...
OVER 20 years later, I learned that when we got married, (in my church), mil and her Russian family were upset that their faith was excluded. H did Not tell me this. But then to soothe his Russian side, & without mentioning it to me at all, h promised them that while the wedding would be Catholic, the children would be raised in his Orthodox faith.
H did not tell ME any of this^^ b/c H ASSUMED I'd be upset about the baptism promise, and he did not tell his mother that I had never made that promise (b/c I didn't know about it!!). He never owned up to her that he had created the conflict or worsened it to keep peace with her. But it did the opposite, and it's one of the things that I would change in our past if I could. H never told me this until 5-6 years ago when He blurted it out in an argument about why his mother never spent time with our children, her only grandchildren...
She deeply resented ME for "going back on my word". I resented her for her bigotry.
This festered and undermined our r for the rest of her life.
When she became terminally ill, I helped care for her but by then her cancer had gone to her brain, and I could not have connected with her anymore anyhow...
H caused the conflict to escalate and expand. She and I suffered for h's mistake, and so did he. I suppose our children did too. BTW, I would have had NO problem baptizing our son in both churches, the same day or a different day. Isn't that ironic? Do you see how YOUR "unlearning conflict avoidance" needs to be replaced with Conflict Resolution?
"Waiting for the right time" is a pattern of yours -and it does not work.
The problems fester and multiply in time, as they go unaddressed. The "right time" does not arise, as those problems mount and then "the problem" is too much for you.
Luke, your fear is not serving you. I mean, What one sentence are you going to blow that will really "ruin" your r with your d?
W okay today - civil - asked me to go to dump - this clause ^^made me laugh
and made lunch. W and d15 have been cooking all week, so my usual evening kitchen duty has been on hold. Going to ask d15 if she wants to bike ride with me - 40F is a warm winter's day here!
Luke
Give her options for the activity. She may not want to go biking at 40'F and if you don't provide options, you'll interpret it as her saying "NO" to time with you.
Why not ask her what she wants to do on her "dad/Daughter day/evening?
Don't just present one thing b/c she may honestly Not want to do that specific thing. If that's all you ask her, then that's all she'll look at. TELL HER WHAT YOU WANT. i.e. FATHER DAUGHTER TIME. If presented right, it will come off as loving, which it is. Don't present it with despair. And don't ask in front of your w if you're going to get too fragile and cautious and fearful...it's not "FUN" to see your dad act that way and it's not as tempting. Sorry to say that, but you can't count on having much time left with her...I really want you to ACT NOW)...
Consider this approach I've used...I have point blank said to a child of mine,
"Hey, your siblings/OR friends/OR father are hogging you too much. When am I going to get some mama/son/daughter time...let's arrange it"
And invariably, they'll tell me when they are free, and we'll hang out. It may take them an day or so to figure it out, and you can say "check your schedule and get back to me about when we can make some time for US to hang out.
(IF you are comfortable with it, or if you think it will be "easier", then suggest they bring a friend. The main thing is time with your kids, without your w.)
You can do this^^.
Say it with an easy going vibe. (Not a desperate need) Luke, It's a loving thing to say. Embrace that. Create Father Daughter time. Make it happen. You can involve her in deciding WHAT to do, if she prefers. But stop asking IF it can happen. YOU Make it happen.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hola MLC - I'll be in the US toward the end of April and going into May. Would love to have dinner again if you are up for it.
Various tidbits: W is still putting her paycheck into our shared account, is starting garden plants, and has been doing some wallcovering renovation (our Swedish lath and plaster walls have old-fashioned cardboard covering). I've been heat gun removing paint.
I don't think she and d15 are moving in the near future, given the above, especially the paycheck thing. I understand about the urgency of connecting with d15.
W and d15 are just biking to W's best girlfriend's summer house. D15 was not thrilled by this. I asked d15 whether she wanted to see American Hustle again, tonight, but no cigar, she said she had homework. I'll see Le Weekend instead, by myself. It sounds like it may be something to learn from.
Yes, I will ask d15 in the EE fashion - thx for reminding me of that.
For all who may have been wondering: sometimes when d15 and I were alone together, just talking or me giving her a backrub (she loves them), as soon as W comes home, this ends, also from d15's side. The kids and I used to ask each other: is Ma mad? She would be steamed up about something.
At 7am yoga this morning - when I came home and said good morning to W, she barely mumbled something back - seems generally annoyed again.
It really feels like W has commandeered d15 - looking forward to D, as then things may be cleaner and easier, also for d15. I also see that there are lots of meetups in Stockholm, so lots of opportunities to meet people.
I understand about how to ask d15 -. I do think d15 feels pressure from W, and so will not apply pressure myself, as I don't want to make life harder for d15.
I've changed somewhat. The idea of taking one conflict at a time helped - made it seem less overwhelming. I try to listen to my feelings more. I realize I can do things. My fear is somewhat less, and I understand that it is within my head, my take on things.
I did ask my W what was wrong between us, btw, last Monday, but she wouldn't give me a good answer, just compared us to my parents. She said her definition of strength is not an absolute, and that I didn't need to take it as the truth. She has said in the past that I am weak and never fight back. Conflict avoidance...
Now W has a lousy husband, back from the dump -
My boss, whom I admire, deals with conflicts immediately. I should try to do the same.
Yes, the window latch thing was a tiny positive. As a small bit of information, W vacuums without the usual tube extension and wide head, preferring to use the hose only, even on rugs and floors, on her knees, fwiw.
The Italy trip was supposed to be for s20 and myself only. I really enjoyed his masculine company. It feels like his girlfriend, whom we've met (and saw yesterday, via Skype, in bed next to him) would distract from this father-son time. Plus it would get a bunch more expensive for three of us to travel, so I'd rather keep it just the two of us.
How is your healing going?
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
