This sure took a looooong time to do... I hope I did it right! Im sure I took the longest route to do it.
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Starting this thread with PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
spending time with my thoughts, reviewing and reflecting on our convo of yesterday:
H was struggling, not sure whether to bring up what he was thinking (a well thought out thought from a previous convo) or not. He decided that he would share, but wasn't wanting for it to turn into a long convo... so I said I would listen. He wanted to make 2 points.
He was trying to find a way to say that I was not in competition with OW.
He was acting like he was unsure whether to tell me this info or not.
Looking back, I wonder if he was telling me to assure me or to try to withold to keep me jealous/on my toes.
Although however, the mere discussion of it makes me somewhat more secure.
.... just my thoughts.
The second thing he wanted to bring up was combined in above, being swept off your feet and the hotel/mediator stuff. Which I posted already.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Good morning GM... I'm not quite sure how writing down/journalling what happened, is considered obsessive. Would you explain?
As I was reviewing it in my head (agree to analyzing), which is why I thought putting it down would be better to see it. I wrote what HE was thinking, so that I will KNOW, and not mindread more or less into it.
Back to basics... focus back on to me.
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Back to holding true to self. Having self value.... I am thinking that whatever he is or isn't doing, isn't of good enough value to me ATM... its still scraps. I truly appreciate and am happy to finally be recieving his efforts/baby steps but...As long as he is entertaining OW in the background, I feel I am a fool to "play" & have coffee time/talks, etc..... is this a good mind set?....or do I have it wrong? am I at the point where a good DB'er "listens" to the MLC open up (STFU, listen, validate, do not offer suggestions...nothing)... or am I at the point where HE needs to do the work to get ME back?
Yes...the MLC is about HIM, but MY journey is about me now too, isn't it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` Back to me ~ DD and I hung out last night, I put my "work" away and we watched TV. She then reminded me of the concert... which was supposed to be today, but she got the dates mixed up...its tomorrow. I was really looking forward to it being today...darn! Maybe, today I will go buy a mac air/book...whatev.... We need to use up some company $$$.
Keeping the focus on my self-value.
As Madonna sings "don't go for 2nd best baby, put your love to the test... make him express himself, baby, then you know your love is real"
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I agree that over analyzing = obsessing.. I just wondered why you think that me writing it down and getting it out of my head was Obsessing... I thought it was more of putting it on paper & letting it go.
Staying true to my values are not ALL about him, but the values do stem from the behaviours within our relationship. So, it is fair to write how I will value myself even though it looks like its about him. Its actually about me.
In the womens support group, we were challenged to write a goal and then action steps to live that goal.
"I value myself and take responsibility for my life so that I am worthy, confident in myself and my decisions"
Action steps:
~ don't fear outcome, take "risk"... stand behind my decision ~ don't mindread, ask for clarity ~ measure success daily ~ focus on myself, not his confusion ~ retrain my thoughts. STOP "thinking Of him/rel'p" ~ reassess before speaking/responding ~ commit to weekend retreat that values self/women ~ rely on my own instint/thought/feeling ~ stop making my self worth conditional on other people ~ listen to affirmation cd's, etc ~ do not allow others to derail my life goal ~ do not submit into a less than what I deserve rel'p insert Madonna, "don't go for 2nd best baby, put your love to the test ~ speak calmly and only once. Do not feel the need to justify ~ Ask myself how I am feeling. Take care of that feeling ~ value self. dont second guess self.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, The action steps are the exact same ones that you were suppose to have been working on for months.
Here's one that I know you don't have on that list: stop discussing the SO w/everyone and keep the conversations about him between me, my support group, therapist and the forums. I will choose one very good friend to use as my support and sounding board in the real world.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Job... I will limit who I discuss my situation with... good call!
It was exactly 27 days ago, that the above goal was created. It was part of my "homework" from the womens group. One thing I am proud of...is the fact that each day, I find "something" that reflects value to myself.
This morning I have been reviewing the comments on rH's thread. One valid point that you made was to allow the man/child time to grow up... for rH to not accept him back in this state. Do you see the similar case in my sitch? I think I do.
this is your post:
"rH, Drop the crumbs of friendship w/no expectations. Take things nice and slow and don't get overly anxious and begin pushing a bit. Allow him to do the work that he needs to do in order to grow up and be a mature man. You don't want him back the way he is right now...you want the real man, not the man/child.
Take care of yourself."
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, I left you a posting on your previous thread about talking about your situation to everyone...please read it if you haven't already. Too many people giving their point of view will cause mass confusion.
Do what you think is best when it comes to your SO. You have received more attention and advice from posters than we have given to others. If you re-read the postings and follow the advice, you will be more settled and as I pointed out to you yesterday...you know what you are doing and how to handle your situation. Re-read the postings...the answers to all of your questions are in the postings.
I am not going to repeat the advice that I have given you since summer. It will be the same as back then.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Job...Yes, I can see the possibility of mass confusion. However, I value everyone's opinion.
I have spend alot of time reviewing your advice from back to July. Reviewing some of my comments, I have noticed some growth that I am proud/happy about. Your comments advice are:
~ getting my legals in order, ~ do not mindread, ~ don't engage in arguments, ~ leave him alone, give space, & do not engage in R talks ~ watch expectations ~ show him independance (don't need his attention to be happy)
I am "trying" to "rely" on what "I think" is best for my situation. (part of my action steps)
At this point I feel that since he is entertaining OW, that I shouldn't take his scraps of time/convo's/coffee, etc....2 days ago, he implied he wanted to share the wine a client gave me (I didn't get baited and jump on that offering and ask him to come share it with me), he reached to hold my hand over a snow bank, we shopped briefly for snow boots for me, coffee, and short R talk.
I do see the positives.
But am I wrong for protecting myself and also wanting to see him do the work?? Ensuring that HE really wants it.. not just me? That I need to value myself & raise the bar. That as posted on my action steps for valuation ~ do not submit into less than what I deserve (I deserve his full attention...if he is open to R). I also fear that If I push away his positive forthcomings, he will feel I am not interested.
You are giving me far too much credit when you suggest that I know what I am doing and how to handle my situation.
I really think that listening to others POV might help me to determine which is the better route to go on this. To see in print the positives and negatives.
I am curious to what Bond suggests ... his approach seems to be different than some others, as he sees some positives. He said he had some suggestions, but hasn't shared yet.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
mm people dont have unlimited time. we've posted to you out of charity or feelings of paying back what others have given us, or whatever it is that drove us to post. but to expect everyone to repeat the same thing over and over to you, and to answer as soon as you put out a call for help, and to put in the effort of trying to reword things so that you can understand is asking much.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Ken.. I really appreciate what you say to me. And I do re-read what you suggest before I respond. You are viewing my post as "re-wording", I thought I was responding to Job???.
I am not asking anyone to respond immediately. I know people will post when then can, or if they want to... I am not putting out a call for help, I was just posting.
You think I am re-wording? OK... thats what you think. I see it as me valuing myself to not accepting a less than best relationship for myself... and I am putting it in print. Usually when you state your requirement, you start to believe it. I am doing everything I can to stand behind my words.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Journalling: I am "thinking" of keeping myself distant, business only, giving/taking space, not accepting time/coffee, etc. After the weekend, I will ask h about progress towards the division of the business.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
