"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Hi PM... not sure "involved" is the right word. I think they occassionally speak on the phone. Their relationship is quite distanced. I think he enjoys the "attention", but she is not too giving of it (protecting herself, she has been hurt before). He says it is not at all like our whirlwind beginning nor is any effort put into it... she didnt even call him on christmas or nye. He is disappointed. He says he feels used by her (car issue), and he didn't respond to go rescue her either. She travels for work (in dog business), says he isn't into her lifestyle. He has said he has mentioned to her that in mediation, reconcilliation came out... that he was thinking of it. He says I am not in competition with her. I think he is enjoying a little ego kibble.
He "talks" with her, but spends time with me.
... just realized something. He is eagerly desperate to have a vacation. If he "really" wanted to, he could be travelling with her.
~~~~~~~~~~
Just yesterday, we were discussing the options of purchasing a new computer for me (business), and I jokingly stated that I might need to have a meeting in Miami. He lit up and said we should be doing business in the south, possibly Texas too. (he has wanted to show me Texas) ~~~~ These are trips! He is not considering doing business there other than poking around to see whats happening in our industry in these states (getting an education). It would be way too expensive to import from that far away. He knows this.
I know he desperately wants to have a vacation. I know he wants to travel with me. We travel very well together, we have alot of fun. He stated within the last month ~ How some separated couples will vacation together. He liked this idea.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Perhaps your little squirrel is sincere and is feeling out a reconciliation with you. Don't move, though, or you'll scare him off.
Or maybe he is just trying you on, like a piece of clothing, to see how you fit. And if you don't fit right, he might leave you in crumpled heap in the changing room at GAP to go find something else.
Or maybe he is just trying to keep you on his hook to keep his options open. Maybe he doesn't really want you, but he realizes he doesn't want to necessarily lose the ability to exercise his call option on you.
It could be any of those three, or even something else. And there is no way of knowing what the truth is.
So what do you do?
The same thing you should have been doing all along. DB'ing, GAL'ing, working on you, being a woman only a fool would leave, keeping the road paved home smooth, acting honorably...just read Sandi's 37 rules every day until you are living them out of habit.
He'll let you know if and when it's time to move forward with a new R.
Oh, and the OW doesn't exist to you. You can set up a personal boundary, FOR YOU, regarding her, but other than that she doesn't exist.
This is a journey for you, not a puzzle to figure out how to put together.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I should have added: don't get your hopes up, a.k.a. don't have any expectations, even though his recent behavior seems encouraging to you. Unless, of course, you enjoy wild emotional roller-coasters and depression.
Don't change what you are (or should be) doing. Keep working. Be patient. Have a long time horizon.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
THANKS PM !!!! Awesome accuracy with the 3 options... Can you expand further what you mean about the OW? "setting up personal boundary & she doesn't exist?"... Im not getting it.
Thanks also for the "no expecations"... I have done that to myself in the past.. UP & DOWN... it sukked!
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Hey Heather.... NP about the highjack... I have commented my thoughts on your thread.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Hi. I responded in your thread before I saw your post here, but it wasn't anything immediately constructive. I hadn't been up to date your sitch, especially with what transpired yesterday. It's too late now, but if you are ever worried again, D can conveniently be at a friend's house when he comes over.
And I'd make going to the courts about his illegal drug use a top priority. Your #1 job is to protect your D. She should not have to deal with this AT ALL.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
THANKS PM !!!! Awesome accuracy with the 3 options... Can you expand further what you mean about the OW? "setting up personal boundary & she doesn't exist?"... Im not getting it.
Thanks also for the "no expecations"... I have done that to myself in the past.. UP & DOWN... it sukked!
~~~~~~
Hey Heather.... NP about the highjack... I have commented my thoughts on your thread.
The OW doesn't exist to you. You don't talk about her, you don't think about her, you don't snoop, you don't acknowledge that she exists.
Regarding boundaries, you have mentioned setting some regarding how you will interact with your H relative to his involvement with OW. Other than setting that boundary, which is for you and NOT to punish him, see the previous paragraph.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Let me re-iterate what I understand. Continue to keep my boundary in place. Do not indulge in time spent with H (coffee/convo), due to my boundary?? My boundary IS for ME!! and in no way intended to punish him. This is to protect me. I do not agree with him trying to have both, her friendship and my time. Playing on both sides while enjoying the perks of "confusion". Do not enable. Meanwhile, do not talk or obsess about her. Do not acknowledge to him that she exists.
Do I have this right?
I am really anxious to receive your next post. I am anxious to see if I understood correctly.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Boundary: ~ No coffee/talk time. (yesterday, I indulged in coffee time, was trying to keep communication line open). I guess that sends him a mixed signal. That I am still "here" = confusion for both. ~ if OW in picture/on phone, I am not available/interested. ~ proceed with separation of business. ~ circular talks should be presented to a C
should I add anything or be flexible on my boundary? (keeping the path back smooth?)
This is all very confusing...
and to add, do not acknowledge that she exists to myself either, just to clear that up!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
