Barrybran IV - Three Years Forward, 30 Years Back

[Bunches]

Barrybran, about the example with your W over ruling you with your S. I remember reading an example situation similar in DR between a couple that MWD dealt with. This may be something good to experiment with. In the case she talked about the H and W had similar situations regularly. They both felt, without saying anything to one another, that they were both too extreme. I won't drag the case out but maybe she feels you are too hard on kids when making them follow instructions. Right or wrong isn't my point. If she feels that way she could be over compensating trying to make the kids feel better. Just a thought, but you might find a 180 in this. Again, I'm not saying anything you are doing is wrong but your W might perceive it as that.

[Barrybran]

It's good insight though and not something I'd thought of. I swear I'm going to have to change my name and appearance by the end of this because I won't be the same person!

[Lostforwords]

b,

Bunches nailed what I was thinking. How your wife is reacting to the kids very well might be in reaction to how you are treating them. See, I only read your part of things on here....But you have noted the Sheldon thing, etc. Those point to you handling the kids with a heavier hand. Now how you raise your kids is your decision....I am just pointing out what I see from my perspective.

Another note from that post....You mentioned that your wife pointed out you weren't listening again....and then you go on to say you hate not being listened to and it is disrespectful.

Treat others as you want to be treated!

Have a great day B....You should have your house back LOL

[Barrybran]

Yeah, I have my house back and it's great. I've set myself up in the spare room, moved some stuff to the kids' bathroom and enjoying my own couch again. I was contemplating leaving the loungeroom to my wife but being around her doing my own thing is what worked last time and whilst she's not my biggest fan right now, I believe she'll tell me if she wants some space (or move herself) and she can choose to talk to me or not.

I have so many plans for tomorrow it's not funny. I could have gone back through my thread, watched the clips 25 was telling me about and reading some more DR. I could take a few loads to the tip to clear some shed space. I could mow the lawn. As it is, I didn't finish paperwork at work tonight and my boss is leaving it in my hands as I have to learn it so I'm going back in tomorrow morning to finish it (unpaid) before getting a haircut, heading to the gym, doing some reconnaissance work at the hardware store and doing some food shopping (bye money!).

I do want to make some time to get into those clips though. I can see what my wife and everyone here is saying about me. It's a pretty harsh reality to take in but as you've all alluded to, it doesn't just affect my wife anymore but my kids, my parents, my workmates and everyone else I come across. I do hope that things improve between my wife and I but it should be easier to focus on myself knowing that I come across as I do to everyone and not just my wife.

[Lostforwords]

B,

Don't beat yourself up my man....You are finally looking into the mirror. It is a very hard process to do and seeing the truth hurts at times. The difference between mice and men is how you deal with it. IMHO, I think you are now getting to the point where you can start dealing with your stuff in a meaningful manner. Yes, it does stink that you need to be pulled so far down to do it, but from the ashes of old will rise a new Barrybean.....Maybe a Barrysquash or Barrypepper, but either way a new B.

Have a great day B.

[Barrybran]

No beating myself up here. I know it's easy to think of a new me at the moment but right now, I'm just going to focus on finding the right resources and trying to focus on how I speak to my wife. She's not interested in what I have to say or do right now (it's showing because she has NO idea when I work when my roster is in a prominent spot and she's organising the babysitter according to HER view of things) but I'll just go back to the drawing board and do what worked last time.

On the bright side, I stuck to my plan for yesterday. I was pretty happy with myself. I actually had to squeeze in time to rest before I went to work. Work was pretty good and it felt good to sit down at 9pm with nothing to do. Today has got off to an interesting start having been woken at 2:30am by my boss to go check the store as I live three minutes away and she lives half an hour away. I feel pretty good though.

[Lostforwords]

That is awesome you had a great day B.

As for the communicating....Work on doing it with everyone? If you think about it just with your wife....then it is for your wife.

If you do it with everyone...then you change your communication pattern all around.

FYI- Ericsmart has a post "Shining star" in MLC...Very good post to read.

[Barrybran]

I'll check it out. The communication thing is still early for me. I haven't noticed any issues with other people but it's something I'll be paying attention to. I don't know how long/what process everyone else takes but I found it took a few days initially to catch myself saying the wrong things and not listening too my wife and then another couple of weeks for me to change it into something productive.

Here's a question for you. I don't know if I've expressed it properly but since the listening argument I'm back where I started with probably a higher wall because I've had success, made a change and it hasn't stuck. The first time around I let her initiate everything and as she warmed up, I started to do things that I wanted to do, little things such as asking about her day, saying good morning/good night. Things you would say to or do for a friend basically. This time around, I have a lot more confidence that those little things are a part of who I want to be and I've kept them up rather than letting her initiate. For example, instead of letting her tell me about her day, I've instead asked her how her day was and adjusted my actions on what she does next. If she keeps it short I move on to the kids. If she elaborates I listen. I'll wish her good morning and good night regardless of what mood she appears to be in because I want to.

They are only small things but are these the kinds of things I keep up because it's who I want to be or go back to the Rules, respect my wife's space and let her initiate everything?

[Barrybran]

Wowee, I just saw the bill for my wife's car registration. Between that, D3's birthday in a couple of weeks and me paying more bills because I happen to be there when the bills arrive I'm not getting anywhere with my GAL projects. Looks like walking is going to become a new favourite activity *slaps forehead* :p

[nit84]

"me paying more bills because I happen to be there when the bills arrive I'm not getting anywhere with my GAL projects."

Why are you paying more of the bills?