Let's back up here a bit. This is new information.
Did you instruct your L to force your W to move back to your Province and get full custody? Remember you are the "boss" in your relationship with the L.
You only responded to the last two and she seems pretty entrenched on those.
You've got a delicate walk to do from here on out. You pretty much know she's gonna go through the roof when she's served so buckle up and be ready for what we call spew.
Question: why does it take a month for the papers? In my opinion you should probably rip that bandaid off as soon as possible.
I myself would lean towards not responding at all or at least not until she asks again. And then something along the lines of:
W, I'd rather not get into the financials until we agree on a mutually acceptable parenting agreement.
By the way, that's how divorce works in the States. You don't even talk financials until the Parenting Agreement is complete.
On the flip side, the more you can agree on without the lawyers, the less you'll pay in legal fees.
You have no leverage now. She's four hours away and holding all the cards. After she's ordered to return? Lots of leverage.
Tread carefully.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
How is that helping you bring you closer to the goal of co-parenting with W in a peaceful way? It sounds like you're assuming here with "ending up less than" full custody. From where I'm sitting, what your L is sending to W is setting up for an acrimonious dogfight with her. Is that what you want out of this process?
I would urge you to revisit your approach here. What DO you really want?
You cannot force someone to move back in your Province. However, you DO have something to say about sharing custody with the kids and the financial settlement. Focus on this.
Drew, my W has said she wants to settle everything without Ls. The problem is, she will not negotiate on anything with our kids, she is dictating terms and that's it. I definitely don't want to use Ls either but she has to be willing to work with me and not just dictate to me how things will be.
I'm not sure I have mentioned this for a while but when it comes to the financial matters I have no problem with what she's asking for so there's no need to go back and forth on that. I want to go along with those issues for sure to try to be supportive of what she's saying but if I do then I am losing the leverage I do have since she wants money to buy a new house asap.
I'm sure my W will come unglued, more than she already is, when she is served. Again, it's the last thing I want to do but if I don't then I stand a good chance to effectively lose my kids.
The other point that I didn't mention is that my W and I have full custody of our kids right now. She has no right to do what she's been doing by denying me access to them. I could legally bring them back home, enroll them in their schools again, etc. The problem with that is she would then likely file an order to have them brought back to her and we would then be engaged in a tug of war with the kids. That would be awful for them so I won't do that.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
How is that helping you bring you closer to the goal of co-parenting with W in a peaceful way? It sounds like you're assuming here with "ending up less than" full custody. From where I'm sitting, what your L is sending to W is setting up for an acrimonious dogfight with her. Is that what you want out of this process?
I would urge you to revisit your approach here. What DO you really want?
You cannot force someone to move back in your Province. However, you DO have something to say about sharing custody with the kids and the financial settlement. Focus on this.
My L suggested going with what I mentioned above. I agree that it may be setting up a battle but I don't see how that is going to be avoided at this point. That is partly why I thought I should send the email to her. (the other reason is I had told my W I would) If she will agree to the schedule, or at least come close to sharing equally, then we can go ahead and do all of the other financial things she's wanting and likely have very little need for L's at all. If she will not agree to it then that email will show that I have made every attempt to be fair in the sitch and it will show she has been pretty unreasonable.
Also, I can force my kids to be brought back to my province. It may or may not be successful. My W is currently living in an area with one of the highest crime rates in Canada. It is not a good environment for our kids to be raised to say the least. My W took our kids away from the home, family, friends, schools etc that they knew and loved to go to a very poor area with only the support of her elderly parents.
I'm not sure what my alternative would be? If I use the L, tell her to propose 50/50 with our kids off the start and give up any other leverage I have with the financial matters I think I'm taking a huge risk of ending up with basically the same custody arrangements my W has dictated as well as a big L bill.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
I agree with what you did, and after the initial dust settles that you can't come to a reasonable compromise. My counselor called it reality checking. She seems to have this idea that she can just leave, dictate to you your relationship with the kids, and start over.
They are as much your kids as hers.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
She asked you four things: I myself would lean towards not responding at all or at least not until she asks again. And then something along the lines of:
W, I'd rather not get into the financials until we agree on a mutually acceptable parenting agreement.
Drew, what if I were to add something along the lines of your suggestion to the email I drafted? That would at least address the financial matters and make it clear I want to deal with custody of our kids.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
