I think today I have officially surrended. I am struggling with acceptance of this situation and letting go of my wife. I don't think there is a chance of R. She is so closed to the idea.
The vacillating back and forth between the hope and the letting go/acceptance of divorce is killing me. I am not sure if it is possible to have both at the same time. But if it is, I don't seem to have the capacity to do it.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I'm not sure I have been at this long enough to give you any advice. And even though it's only been a few months for me I sometimes struggle with the urge to just throw up my hands and walk away.
I'm pretty sure that would be much easier in most cases. But I also want to give my marriage every opportunity to succeed. I know that I can still see hope in my sitch but without progress there will undoubtedly come a time when I won't be able to.
It is up to each of us to decide when we reach that point. Nobody can make that decision for us. All we can do is encourage each other to give it our all for as long as we can, and if the time comes to let go if the rope, to be supportive in that regard as well.
Me:45 W:45 D17, S21 (at college) M:23 T:27 BD: 11/17/13 Started Counseling: 12/18/13 W Moved Out: 02/01/14
Tough.. here is what I have discovered recently. For me it is possible to let go and still have hope because I have completely changed what I am hoping for. At first I was hoping for a R of my marriage. Now I do not want that at all. My marriage, I can now see, was cr@p. What I now hope us that ny h will emerge from whatever he is going through as a whole healthy person. I hope I will have an opportunity to get to know that person. Maybe that will be a person I can build a new relationship with. At the least I hope that will be a persOn I can coparent successfully with.
What I an letting go of are any expectations of h or my marriage. It is honestly very freeing. When you first come on here you are told you are getting the gift of time. This us so true. I have had 6 months to start figuring out who I am and who I want to be with or without h.
Only you can decide what steps to take when letting go. Right now I am choosing to deal with whatever h throws at me because I am not ready to split time with my s.
When you think of letting go what does that mean to you?
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I am letting go of the concept of R and hopefully at the same time any controlling type behavior I might be utilizing. I am letting go of allowing my wife's emotional state affect mine.
I went to the bank today to check on getting a loan. This loan will ease the financial burden and make a physical separation more feasible.
I shared with her my newest idea of custody, which is our one main sticking point to separating physically. I had been holding that back as for myself, it was an admission the M was over and could possibly accelerate our divorce (eg. having a solution for one of the main sticking points rather then being stuck in limbo as we couldn't figure out a solution).
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Tough.. here is what I have discovered recently. For me it is possible to let go and still have hope because I have completely changed what I am hoping for. At first I was hoping for a R of my marriage. Now I do not want that at all. My marriage, I can now see, was cr@p. What I now hope us that ny h will emerge from whatever he is going through as a whole healthy person. I hope I will have an opportunity to get to know that person. Maybe that will be a person I can build a new relationship with. At the least I hope that will be a persOn I can coparent successfully with.
^^^Agree with this! I still get frustrated and vent like I did earlier a bit in my own thread but felt better to get it out and past it!
The old marriage is dead. Took me a while to realize this and really start detaching. Once I really started to detach and work on myself through GAL I realized how much better a man, father and husband I can be! I started feeling better about myself and also strengthened my relationship with my kids.
What I have realized is I am the one progressing yet she is still hindered by the past. The past is what keeps that wall up. As much as she wanted change....I am changing but she is in a stagnant limbo with no progression....just wallowing in what she wants. That's the whole point of DB right? Work on you...you can't fix them but your changes are for you and the way you affect and respond to those around you.
Once you get to this state and realize your full potential and what you have to offer, you realize you have choices too!
We all want our M to work; rather we want a new and better R than before....but what if it doesn't happen? You learn from your mistakes; consider it a life lesson and move forward.
I love my wife very much and would rather spend my life with her but, and I would never tell her this, she can either start growing with me and we both learn and benefit from this opportunity life has given us for a new and better M, or, I willtake the new me and make some other lucky lady a very good husband at my wife's expense!
Just my $.02! Take it for what its worth!
Azagtoth
Me: 44 X WAW/MLC: 42 Kids: S21, D11 BD: July 2013 (ILYBNILWY) EAx2: Busted 1 OCT 2013; 25 Mar 2014 Status: Divorcing & Done! Waiting to be final (Nov 2014?) & glad it's finally over!
I learned today, which I find ironic after yesterdays good progress on detaching, that my wife has pulled the trigger on borrowing money from her mom....to put her lawyer on retainer and start divorce proceedings.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I find myself more accepting of this situation these past couple of days. In some respects I feel a sense of relief. Perhaps my wife is right and we shouldn't stayed married.
We did get married at a young age, perhaps we wouldn't have stayed together if we didn't have children. When I think about it, I don't think I really ENJOY spending time with her. Whether that is from past issues/unresolved issues spilling over into the present or whether we just never really clicked I do not know.
If it is the former, without her being willing to work on things the point is moot. If the latter, then perhaps all the work in the world will just make us at best, ok in a relationship. Maybe she has infected me with her thinking but I am not sure 'ok' is the kind of relationship one should have.
It is of course still painful, but I keep telling myself that she is allowed to make her own decisions, even if I think they are incorrect. But like I said, now I am even questioning myself as to whether she is correct or incorrect in her beliefs.
I do now that even with my limited success of detaching and GAL, that living with her is pretty tense most of the time. She is borrowing money from her mom for a lawyer. I am trying to talk her into a legal separation primarily because I figure it will save us about $4500 per year just in income tax.
The separation agreement can encompass the two main details of a divorce, finances and custody. It can then be used as the framework for a divorce later on, when needed. I think within the next two weeks or so some direction will be decided upon.
I think/hope she will agree with me on the 'nesting' concept. She will stay with the kids at our house 'x' days while I stay at my dads, then I come to the house and stay with the kids 'x' days while she stays at her moms. That way we avoid the expense of apartments and it is more stable for the children.
Anyway, just an update.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Tonight we talked more about divorce. A follow up from a previous conversation. We discussed the financial benefits of legal separation. She needs to consult a lawyer to see if we are missing anything important.
Wasn't too painful. I wonder how it all went wrong, this marriage on the road to divorce. I have my ideas, I wonder about hers. Perhaps I will ask. Now that we are freely talking about divorce and it isn't so painful for me, she seems to be more relaxed.
I get the impression she feels like she is making progress of some sort, not stuck so much in limbo. I think that feeling was frustrating for her and add to that an almost allergic reaction to anything that was me. It literally was at a point that no matter what I did/didn't do, I think it was annoying to her.
I think she is at the point where all her problems, emotions, have me at the black center, the heart of all her issues. Like I am the overwhelming source of her problems and if she can just get rid of me then her life will be perfect.
I surmise that comes about from us living in the same house these last five months. I have given her space, lots of space, all the space I think I could have, but it isn't enough to surmount that feeling of hers.
Perhaps there is hope when the divorce or separation starts, when we have physical distance between us and limited exposure...perhaps then she will have enough space and I will in essence seem less evil.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
