So here is a question. Let's say the lawyers get started and I get temporaily removed from the house and have to have a hearing to get back in. Do I?
Ego tells me definately yes. However, we have been living together since october as this situation gets worse and worse. I mentioned in my previous post that it seems my wife has almost developed an allergic reaction to me. No matter what I do or say, it bothers her.
She has probably been stewing for months, trying to figure a way out of this situation because in her mind she is DONE. So yes I gave her 'space' but really how much could I give her? What is the potential for me being forced out, during the 6 month divorce process, and it actually doing our R some good?
Is that being reasonably hopeful or pathetic/doormat?
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
During another talk with my wife about divorce details, mainly custody and housing, I brought up a temporary custodial agreement. During this time between filing for divorce and finalization, my wife and I would be apart and see each other twice a week during the 'kids handoff'.
I mentioned that possibly the separation might do us some good....as in making my precence not such an ordeal for her. At that point, she sarcasticly mentioned she was starting to wonder if I was "delusional". I responded that it wasn't delusion but a degree of hope and faith.
It prompted the thought of 'you know, why do I ache to put this marriage back together with an attitude such as that'. I know my own actions are partly responsible for the breakdown in the marriage. I know that for sure. But I also know how much baggage she as well carries. And if she is so closed minded to reconciliation, so closed minded to see that it is in her best interests, marriage or not, to work on herself then I don't want her.
I deserve better.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Think we just settled on custodial arrangements which is good. Now it just needs to be drawn up. It is somewhat funny as she has been/is continualy lying about not having hired her attorney yet.
She keeps saying 'consultations'. I point blank asked her if she hired him yet at one point and she denies it. Was looking for the cigarette lighter powered air pump in her car three days ago and there was a pile of papers entitled 'divorce interview paperwork' or something.
Then I noticed oddly that all my financial mail had been opened.....stock accounts, IRA, bank statement were all gone, just the envelopes they came in.
Hmmm...pretty easy to put together.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Miss communication during custodial talks so it turns out that we don't have an agreement.
Let me ask....wife thinks 'stability' of the kids is very important. I agree. However, she thinks that means she needs to be the one who takes them to school everday which leaves me with only the weekends.
I contend that yes, it would be disruptive a little bit if both of us took them to school on some new set schedule. However, I think they would soon adapt and it wouldn't be an issue. I am shooting for 50/50 and am thinking I stay in the house 4 days, then she stays in the house 4 days. I would argue any disruption caused by who takes the kids to school would be offset/less than, having the kids move from house to house.
That does add another layer of complication as each week 'our days in the house' would change as well. But it seems the best of both worlds, both get 50/50 physical custody, we both get to participate in the kids areas of life (weekends plus school), and if either one of us takes only weekends, obviously that would get interuppted as the other parent would schedule random stuff for various weekends and the 'weekend only' parent would lose some time.
Maybe what I propose is impossible? Maybe my wife's agenda is different besides just the consideration for the kids?
Any thoughts?
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Mothers always think that they know what's best for their children and that spending the most time with their mother is best. That doesn't make it true necessarily, but that's how they think. That's how I thought when I went through trying to decide on timesharing.
Well listen, she stated what she wants.... Now accepted, acceptance doesnt mean agree, it means ok its fine thats what she wants...
Now what is what you want for you? Dont think about your W, think about what you want for you and your kids and strongly reinforce that belief...
Do you want to spend time with them? Do you want 50/50? Be honest with yourself, if you doubt about what you want she is not gonna help you achieve it... It will only be another fight, its important to listen to ourselves...
One example, my W wants to D and move on, ok thats fine...I accept that...what do I want? What I really want? I dont want D so if she wants D she can spend her time and money in getting it but I am not signing papers because thats what she wants, its not revenge, its respecting what I want and do it because I respect myself, not to please her to see if she regrets...
Well your sitch its the same, you want out? Fine I accept that, I want my kids with me because thats what I want, and you dont have to explain her( she might not listen to you) you just do it because its what you want and its completelly valid, do you understand? In order to do this you have to detach from the R with her, you just have to think in what you want and what will be better for you and the kids...
Dont look at this in the superficial way of you keeping the kids, but in the spiritual way of thinking that you are honoring your needs, we dont honor our needs and wants based on the response of others but based on what we want... That way the situation will be more positive and you will be taking care of yourself...
I remember this last week I meet with my W and she wanted me to give her money from the deposit of the apartment...I dont have that money but because I didnt want her upset I was having troubles telling her my needs, today I am clear, I want and need time to put that money together, she doesnt like that? I dont care, I am detach of her feelings towards that, what I need its time and I will give myself time enough to put that money together....now, I can do two things, stay at home and not work or work towards getting that money, the first option will be manipulative, the second one will be the one to take care of myself and that debt...
Do the same, follow what you want and implement actions towards that, not against that, and be willing to see if thats what you really want or you are just being vengative...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
You are shooting in the dark. Its best to avoid lawyers and mediate, but she now has a lawyer so you have no choice, you need your own attorney immediately. Your wife no doubt has a vision of her future, and that vision is that nothing will change except you are replaced with some other man. 9 out of 10 lawyers, when a mom walks in to interview and she is adamant on getting rid of her husband, they will sell her on this vision. All her problems are you, and once you are gone all will be rainbows and roses.
As long as you dont make any mistakes, this vision of hers of course wont happen. But as her vision starts to crumble she will get more and more hystrionic, she will order her attorney to be even more aggressive and in many cases this is when the progression starts...escalating things at home...bad mouthing and lie about you to others...trying to alienate the kids...false abuse claims etc. You might think this is out of the realm of possibility, but the fact is some of this stuff happens in MOST cases like yours I have observed.
So from now, you cant make any mistakes. You NEED to at least consult several lawyers, and dont try to make any offers or sign anything without one. You need to assume that you will end up somewhere between the initial offers. Dont immediately make a "fair" offer, because then the final agreement will then be the other side of fair. Assume anything you concede in any offer or negotiation is lost. If you offer her weekdays "for now"...she will always have them. If you offer Christmas day in exchanged for Christmas Eve, she will get Christmas day but that doesnt mean you get Christmas Eve. Finally, just say no to nesting. It is a set-up for disaster with all of the downsides of separation but none of the benefits. Your only communication with her will be fights over logistics, money, chores and schedules.
Your wife obviously has some motivation, whether that is some depression she blames on you or some OM, or the notion of one. But she thinks divorce is a good thing. Lots of men and women will go easy in a divorce and hope that by offering things to their spouse, the spouse will be somehow grateful or appreciative and call off the divorce. This is completely backwards. All you are doing is making their divorce easy and their dream looks like reality, at least in their eyes. You need to make sure the divorce is fair for you, and this means she will need to sacrifice just like you. If you want her to choose you, you have to be better than the alternative.
I so want to go into the bedroom and try to talk my wife out of this! Crazy and unreal at the same time. Discussing child custody, money, and lawyers like divorce was an everyday occurence (earlier). I was good, no R talk, just listened but also voiced my opinion/wants/needs concerning custody.
She still hasn't told me she has actaully hired her lawyer and I am just waiting to be served any day now. Maybe her lawyer told her not to tell me. Who knows. Maybe she thinks I will go ballistic, which I can't see why she would as every thing has been civil all along.
Yesterday she started crying as she said 'trust me, I am not out to steal your children'. Trust left awhile ago. I don't even know this person that my wife has become.
I keep thinking she will change her mind, and everytime I figure out she won't, there is pain. Would have figured I would know that by now......
Started exercising again today. Really need to GAL more and stop worrying about what she is thinking. Obviously my efforts haven't worked so far....running out of 180 ideas to try though
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I mean what you want in terms of your children..... Ahhaha lets keep this business oriented and custody oriented and maybe in the future we can talk to her about something else.
What you want in terms of custody? Financially what do you want?
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
