H moving out tomorrow

[TL72*]

Hi T-boned - thanks for your post. After reading so many posts it is weird that all these husbands act so much alike. I realize that it's pointless to think of "what ifs" and how this all happened but that doesn't stop me from thinking it anyway. Especially after reading so many similar stories. Some of them have happy endings and I so want to be one of them but I know it will take like another few years if it even happens then. It is discouraging but then reading some from the beginning who are now in reconciliation also gives me hope. Day by day. We had bad weather Monday so he cancelled meeting me to make the exchange of goods - which was understandable - that told me that he isn't living in this town or it would have been on his way to his new home. I never asked nor do I really need to know that info anyway. I got the change of address thing in the mail from the USPS which was sort of disheartening but I knew that was coming.
Still making small changes with the house and enjoying my quiet alone times after work. I am having to do all the chores myself but I was pretty much already doing that and now I don't have to make some big dinner. Cooking for 1 is a bit weird to get used to. Supposed to meet him tonight after work to exchange goods, i'm not going to remind him, hopefully he remembers. If not, oh well I need to go to the store anyway.
On the appraisal - thanks for that info, I wasn't sure if that would cause it to be appraised lower, I had read somewhere that it could affect it. I don't know why it was 10k but in the schedule that he gave me it was rolled in but the new loan amount would be 150k when I only owe 140k on it now. That's where I got that number from, seemed so lame just to remove someone's name from the darn loan that I will have to pay that much. We only had this house 5 years in May. I'm going to shop around rates and options and let him compete for my business. If that's what I have to do then so be it. Not the end of the world. Yeah it only lowered the payment like 10 dollars, I was hoping that I could lower it a lot more than that. I had a 4.25% when I bought it. Times like these make me angry at him for putting me through all this and then I think, no, he's not well and I'll get through it just fine on my own without added anger and bitterness. Really trying to stay positive. Not easy. I have a list of counselors to choose from but haven't chosen one yet or made the call. I don't know why it frightens me to do that. I guess I just have to make that leap and do it and if I don't like her I can choose another one. I'd like one that understands MLC and doesn't think i'm crazy - most people don't get it unless they're on these boards or going through it.

[BrightFuture]

I totally identify with what T-boned posted about how WAS become cold and distant after the DB. I could not make a sense of it for a long time. How can he treat me like that after 17 years together? And didn’t I just hear “I love you” a couple of days before the BD?

TL, it should not coast you that much to remove his name from the loan. He needs to sing the Quitclaim Deed form and notarize it. The 10K you are talking about is probably the cost of a refi on its own. Shop around and see if you can find a better deal. All mortgage companies should be fine with taking him out of the loan, provided you qualify for it.

[TL72*]

Thank you Bright - yep same here 17 years and he did say he loved me just the day before. Now I don't even get a "how are you".

so tonight i met up with him to get my car key back and a check for the health insurance that comes out of paycheck. I asked him to meet me at Kroger lot, thought it would save him time instead of having to drive all the way up to the house and I needed some items at Kroger anyway. I made sure I put on my positive attitude and confidence first, and I also made myself look pretty before going out. He parks next to me and I get out and he is putting off sort of a cold angry vibe? Yes i know i am just guessing, but the first thing he asks after starting to write me the check is "when are you putting the house on the market?" I said "i'm not....what gives you that idea?" He answers "all the fixing up going on". I answered "I had the ceiling fixed because there was a hole in it" (he had stepped in the wrong place and broke a bit of the ceiling and i wanted him to pay for half before he moved out so that's why I had that done). That was done BEFORE he moved out. The only other thing I did was have the garage door opener repaired because it was broken for 4 years, and that was done before he left too. The only other stuff I can think of is that I moved office furniture around and painted the ceiling where the repair was done. So he must have been thinking about this and noticed it I guess. I'm not sure why it matters to him since he put it in the papers that the house was my responsibility and i'm to refi it to take his name off the loan. I told him that I had to have the house appraised for the refi so it has to be in shape before that. Then he asked why I didn't want him coming to the house (because I said meet at kroger) and i said that wasn't it, that I just needed some things at the store. I was being mysterious i think by asking him to meet me there instead. it did make him think about it apparently. Then he says "you've lost a lot of weight!" he saw me last week, i have not lost weight since then, he just didn't notice while we were living together, i think he wasn't looking at me at all that last month even though we ML almost every night before he moved out. I said "i was losing weight before you left" and he said "not that much" which.... like I said, he just saw me last week and I have not lost any more than a lb since then. I was wearing a new top that was more fitted so I guess he just noticed it. I was happy he was checking me out. He seemed overworked, tired and a little miserable. I was being happy/easy breezy. I asked how work was and he talked about that a bit and asked about the pets, and that was it. He didn't ask me how I was or how my work was or anything else. I just wanted him to see I was not falling apart without him. mission accomplished. for some reason i felt good about the visit, like I followed the 37 sandi's rules and am showing that confidence and GAL. now i will go dark again until i ask for the next check for the insurance. once the papers go through i guess it will be dark dark - i don't know how to let him know i'd like to remain friends, i don't want to say as much because it would seem like pursuing. i did that in the beginning before i knew about DB, so he should know that i still want him but right now I'm acting "as if" he'll never come back.

[BrightFuture]

TL, you did great! The fact that he noticed things tells me that he’s been doing some thinking. Maybe having second thoughts even. But, it is way early in your sitch. It will take some time for him to realize what he’s done. I predict you will see all kinds of behavior from him, from cold and distant to polite and pleasant. My H did this for a while. Sometimes he was flat out rude, sometimes he was very nice. The majority of communication is via e-mail, so I just mirrored his style and replied in similar fashion.

As for remaining friends, you will have your chance. He is so determined to run right now that it will only push him further away. Give it some time and keep acting “as if” he is never coming back.

[TL72*]

thank you so much bright for your response. I was thinking along those lines too - that he was definitely thinking on it. I also came to the same conclusion that it is super early in the sitch still and I have a long ways to go.years maybe. Yes I had assumed it would be via email and text too if anything at all. I'm definitely not going to initiate any contact until the next email with the bills due in 2 weeks. He's very smart, like really super intelligent. I'm hoping that he figures out that he needs help for this depression but at this point he doesn't think he's depressed, at least he didn't when he asked for the D. Now I see it all over him. Oh well, on with my life!! Saturday is painting day!! I am looking forward to going home at the end of the day now where for awhile I dreaded it because he was still there. I noticed I am grinding my teeth now, or clinching them and trying to stop it (I do it during the day) i wasn't doing that for years, I guess it's the stress or anxiety. I'm thinking of learning to meditate and doing yoga. I already pray all the time and that does help me tremendously. Thanks for listening, just is nice to let out all these thoughts.

[courageouswife]

Hi there! I think your encounter with your H went well. You did good! Just keep in mind that this could be a long drawn out process if he is in MLC which it does sound like he is!

[TL72*]

Hi CW - thank you I agree on the process, before I came to these boards I thought to myself "oh maybe he'll come back after a short separation" but then after educating myself on MLC, I am pretty convinced he is in one and know that this is something that literally takes years. I didn't think I could wait years, but after processing it and being alone now, I'm not ready to close the door so I will leave it open and just patiently wait but in the meantime living my life. It has been a whole 2 months since BD which was totally out of the blue, so it feels like 6 months dragging on but at the same time - wow it was a lot to process in such a short time frame! I have to accept I may not hear from him again for ages if ever. Just taking the advice of so many on here and GAL and finding myself. I feel like i'm adjusting and doing ok. Making small changes, baby steps. I don't have to do it all at once. I have plenty of time - I finally "get" that "gift of time" quote. So no matter what happens I will come out stronger and happier in the end. Keeping a PMA!!!

[T-boned]

Nice job with the H encounter. You handled it perfectly. Big hug!

Wish I could say the same. All I did was talk to H on the phone and I barely kept it together - and I know he picked up on it. Won't go into details but just the sound of his voice weakened me. I do have a lot on my plate right now and haven't been exercising much lately due to weather and job schedule. Got a run in today and it felt great.

TL, it sounds like you are doing really well for this being so early on in the process. I am soo impressed! Keep that PMA, then tell me how to do it!!

[TL72*]

Hey T-boned, thanks for posting, it means a lot to me
I'm sorry your phone call didn't go as well as you would have liked. I know what you mean with the voice..., I felt good after seeing him but then I start thinking too much and over analyzing (yes i'm supposed to detach!) and i've been down all weekend. Haven't heard from him since that day and I know I shouldn't expect to.
As for the PMA - it comes and goes. I'm a planner by nature and it's easy for me to follow all the sandi's rules and this whole DB is sort of mapped out for me, I'm good with following instructions so I jumped right in once I found this place. I read most of the stories here, so it sometimes is a downer because i realize this is just going to take forever, it already feels like forever & then he may never come back or I may not want him back by then. Trying to let go and let God and GAL. I did not go out with friends this weekend, spent some time chatting with friends online but only went out of the house to run errands and grocery shop. I painted the ceiling Saturday which was a big job and today I grocery shopped and cleaned the basement. Kept myself busy both days which is a good distraction. I baked a quiche for myself and walked the dogs for my workout which really helps. I am not hating all this alone time.... but then there will be some silly thing that I want to share with him and I can't. It could always be worse. I'm very lucky in a lot of ways, he could have been more of a jerk. Just so many reminders. I'm learning patience!

[T-boned]

Gosh TL, I so identify with what you wrote. I, too, have felt and feel the same way. Ya,on days I'd see him I'd feel good for the rest of the day and then down the slope I'd go within a day or two after that.

It always feels like just when I think I have a handle on this whole thing, I'm feelin' good, feelin' strong, accepting of the situation and the ineveitable outcome, BAM, something happens and I melt. At least I haven't had any of those tear jerking, stomach aching crying spells in a long time where you can barely breathe or your eyes feel like they are on fire.

Tonight while I was driving out to the desert for work, I thought (again) about the reality of it all - put myself in his shoes (again)and (again) came to somewhat of an understanding of where I think his mind is- why he's doing what he's doing and being involved with this OW. All is based on how well I know him. And it all makes sense. But then I see something beautiful, interesting or silly and I want to share it with him. And I become sad because I can't.

Sounds like you are getting a lot done at home. I agree, not all the time alone is terrible. At least you can get things done at your own pace and not have to plan around someone else. Like you, I read Sandi's list, but feel it doesn't apply much to me anymore since I really don't have much contact with him and the divorce seems inevitable. My therapist thinks I'm probably having a hard time right now because I am working on our taxes, getting loan papers done for the house re-fi, working on the Assets/ Debts list for the mediator - all involves seeing our names together and then realizing we are splitting up.

Yes, doesn't it feel like time just drags on? Just three or four days feels like a month!

I know it feels good to have people post to your site. I will try and contribute more support instead of hijacking you with my stuff like I did just now. But I appreciate your comments and your support as well.

You may be down this weekend, but know you will come up out of it soon and be on the crest for a while. Cherish those days of strength and clarity, and use those down days to feel your sadness and frustration - let it out! Then try and let it go and/or give it to God!!! (However, sometimes I feel like God keeps throwing it back at me!!) :)You're dong very well, my friend. I'll check back soon.((Hugs))