That was a long post Melissa ;)and a very interesting one...
But it's just another example of how self absorbed my H is. He doesn't see how his actions affect others.
Melissa, he is on that moment in his life and you cant change it, I know it hurts but he has to be able to see that before he can change it, you telling him its not helping him, he gets defensive or ignores you and it doesnt changes nothing...
After reading all your post if I might I would love to help you see this more clear:
REMOVING THE VICTIM
Don't others see how much I'm hurting? Can't they see I need help? Don't they care?
The issue is not whether others see or care. The issue is whether we see and care about ourselves. Often, when we are pointing a finger at others, waiting for them to have compassion for us, its because we have not fully accepted our pain. We have not yet reached that point of caring about ourselves. We are hoping for awareness in another that we have not yet had.
It is our job to have compassion for ourselves. When we do, we have taken the first step toward removing ourselves as victims. We are on the way to self-responsibility, self-care, and change.
Today, I will not wait for others to see and care; I will take responsibility for being aware of my pain and problems, and caring about myself.
This is from a book and I wish you can see and find something that free that pain... Do you think that the changes your H needs to do are your responsability? i mean are you responsable of showing him what he needs to change?
Its a lot of stress and basically its the core of our problemas hehe we want to control everthing and everybody so our fear its not present...
I hear your pain about your R and I see how you come here and judge your H, but Melissa have you ever think that he might not know better? That he is doing all this because thats what he feels inside at this point...
You said why he had to break 2 woods in tkd...I dont know exactly what it is why he did that but I would probably look in the direction of the need of attention, of hurt self image after everybody keeps telling him how "wrong" everything he does is.... The problem its not him drinking with girls, breaking more woods, having Affairs, the problem its deeper, I dont know his problem ok? I am just giving you an example...it might be this or not but look...
When I was with my W and we had a fight, she would call me names, even when we werent fighting... That broke my heart and destroyed my self steem... I had no idea why but then I found lately what was the problem.... I didnt accept myself and I wanted to be perfect for my W, friends and family... Keeping myself to my selfimpose standards was really hard and I just couldnt so my way to get out of that, it was acting childiiss and not taking care of my emotionally or phisycally, did I knew that I was doing that???? Nop, I knew I wasnt happy but had no idea why.
I ended discovering my real me and accepting and loving myself...best gift ever.
Melissa, life its all about self discovery, you have to accept all your H behaviours and when I say accept it means, set personal boundaries for yourself...if going to Tkd with him makes you upset and hurt...then dont go with him...listen to your needs, its not selfish its loving its taking care of Melissa, and thats the way to show a great lesson to your kids
As I was saying life its about self discovery and the same way you will have to discover yourself, your H needs to discover himself and you have to let him follow that path alone...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
"I'm not trying to prove you wrong, 25, or defend myself. I think that there is great advice in there, and I don't want to be bitter resentful lady. I just haven't figured out how to walk the line of trying to see the best in my H (or at least giving him the benefit of the doubt) while protecting myself from being further emotionally crapped on. How do I give someone the benefit of the doubt when he is coming at me with both fists up, flinging poop at me? "
I agree with a lot of what 25 says. It seems like she's a 4 agreements type of woman.
The way you get past getting emotionally crapped on is to not take things personally. It's hard stuff, but you have to act as if you are wearing armor and that emotional sh*t just bounces off of it. Sometimes you just have to do it. Force yourself to not feel a certain way. Fake it til you become it as 25's Ted talk says.
Just do it!
What advice would you give me about me knowing that my ex is going out with mr cool tonight. I have thoughts about them having sex. I feel regret, shame, anger, etc. I can choose to be angry or hurt, but I can also choose to be happy and let that sh*t bounce off of me. It's freaking hard. But I have to just do it!! Fake it til I become it!! I am a stone, unaffected!! Etc.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
((((m))) I just read the rest of the log post. I think the same on many levels. Still not there yet ugh. let's keep walking. We'll get it
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
OK . . . so I as I was on my way out the door for the Dr. appointment, I get these texts from my H:
We need to discuss things with the kids. We are planning on painting their room so I told them that I extended my lease.
It may well be better to do it separately - I don't think I can fake not being incredibly angry with you during a real conversation and I think that will make the conversation worse. Let me know your thoughts.
(a) It sounds to me like he already told them; (b) why the F is he "incredibly angry" with ME??
When I got to the Dr. appointment, I said, "Hi H, sorry, I was driving so I didn't have time to reply to your texts, so we can talk about it later." Throughout the hour long appointment (most of it waiting around), I was super nice. H was decently pleasant as well, though he didn't speak to me unless he had to because I had spoken to him. For a few minutes I felt like crying because we were like a regular family. Ugh.
Then we went to S7's basketball game. I was nice and friendly. H was the same as before - did not speak to me unless I spoke directly to him.
After the game, I texted H, to be polite:
So that you don't have to wait for this to go through two lawyers - I will not pull the kids out of school for the Rockies home opener.
I went into yoga, and came out to these replies from H:
I can't say that I'm surprised. At least you saved us $250 by telling me directly.
If you're thinking I'm going to back down, think again. I learned during our marriage that only ends in me getting taken advantage of. So I'm sorry the kids will miss out in opening day, but I think that sends the right message about the importance of school.
Ummm . . . WTF?
I did get a tiny bit of comic relief bc he is so indignant about it, when the kids don't even have school that day, but overall his behavior is just very disturbing to me.
He seems to be fighting some sort of war with - WHO? Why am I the enemy?
HE LEFT ME. He wanted to get D. He said he is the happiest he has ever been in his WHOLE LIFE.
So why can't he go live his happy life, and leave me alone????
25, or anyone else - what am I supposed to do with this? Do I ignore his texts? Do I ask him why he is angry and validate? Do I go run and hide in a corner? Do I just continue to be nice and even keeled (as far as he knows), be cooperative (to the extent that it doesn't screw over my kids or me) regardless of what he does, and ignore his crap?
Uggghhh. I am going to yoga again tonight. H ruined my ohhhhmmmm.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Do you have any idea what he might be angry about? Are you blameless in the sitch? Clearly, your H is highly-unevolved but he does seems to have some serious beefs with you about stuff that happened before BD. Truly, his perceptions are likely warped and inaccurate but they do exist ...
Of course I was part of the reason for the demise of our M. Yes. I have totally owned that and apologized, and changed the vast majority of things he complained about. My H seemed happy to just be away from me and have no obligations or expectations. He was perfectly nice and friendly, and would say things like, "I'm not placing the blame on anyone for our M not working out," etc.
Then I filed for S. And, despite the fact that he wants a D, he is VERY angry about it. (As well as the fact that I insisted on using lawyers rather than negotiating this stuff ourselves.) He said I betrayed him and severely damaged our trust and trashed our relationship. That he expected better of me. I ruined his career, I am being childish, I am a bad role model for our children, the list goes on.
I don't know if there is something new that he is angry about, or if it's still over me filing.
This "backing down" thing I guess comes from the fact that he is very P/A. Or maybe just passive and resentful. He has never had much of an opinion, so I made a lot of the decisions. I would always ask him and he would almost always say he didn't care. But then once in a while he would blow up with resentment that I always "won." So it's possible that he has now decided that he is going to assert himself and not back down. The problem is, assertive isn't in his repertoire. Instead it's in your face aggressive.
Should I try to listen to what he has to say about being angry, or ignore him?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I did get a tiny bit of comic relief bc he is so indignant about it, when the kids don't even have school that day, but overall his behavior is just very disturbing to me.
He seems to be fighting some sort of war with - WHO? Why am I the enemy?
HE LEFT ME. He wanted to get D. He said he is the happiest he has ever been in his WHOLE LIFE.
So why can't he go live his happy life, and leave me alone????
25, or anyone else - what am I supposed to do with this? Do I ignore his texts? Do I ask him why he is angry and validate? Do I go run and hide in a corner? Do I just continue to be nice and even keeled (as far as he knows), be cooperative (to the extent that it doesn't screw over my kids or me) regardless of what he does, and ignore his crap?
Uggghhh. I am going to yoga again tonight. H ruined my ohhhhmmmm.
Hi M! I really like the part about school...made me chuckle You did great.
Funny thing that we are similar about again is that my W is acting the same. She's angry and indignant. She threw out to me that I had looked for ways out too, she just had the courage to do it...OK, we'll go there... I asked her if we had done anything that our MC had asked us to try to help save this M. We'll no...but we don't get along she said...ugh.
IMHO your H is getting a dose (albeit a small one) of reality. You're not playing the game anymore. in the first few months, he was the WAS and you were Db'ing and he could come over the ML and then later he could tell you, "I F'd up by doing that..." Now, you get it...he's gone, M is probably toast...and you're still standing....Bravo! I believe that the best revenge is a life well lived. Perhaps I'm wrong, but he wants to "hook" you into showing this still bugs you.
My W got really mad at D16 when she asked her mom, "....did you think we were all going to sit around here crying forever...you left, we can't cry all the time. life moves on, Mom...." W's response was that D16 as being disrespectful.
You're moving forward. I can see it in your posts. Your H is off the pedestal. IMHO he wants back up there....don't give in
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Melissa I just came back from a 2 hours bike trip.... Most of the time even if I was pedaling 20 mph I was thinking about why my wife now wants to cancel my phone account, why she cancelled the tv cable and bla bla, I was like why she is so angry at me? What it brings me to this point that the WAS probably leaves because they are very resentfull, instead of having communication...they just close themselves and act like the inner child they have controlling their actions right now.... So when a child gets out of control as you know they react inmature and they dont listen to any kind of rational approach....the best thing its to let them go and to dont react to their behaviour because it will only frustrate you...
Do you remember the movie Gremlims? When they came ugly if you kept feeding them they multiply and they are more and more agressive.... The Gremlin one was the sweetest and the nicest but they turn different in contact with some elements.... I am not calling the spouses Gremlims!!! (Even if they are very similar ) its good not take the life so serious... Anyway when you fight them or try to make them see your point even in a friendly and cordial way...you are feeding the Gremlim.... The WAS has to underestand that untill they dont choose to talk in a mature way its not worth it to talk to them and you are not going to talk to them....keep it simple like that... Less pain to deal with...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
