Wife moved out to be with her Tour Guide Lover

[Oxford1]

FULL STORY

Wife of 28 years left me for a Tour Guide
December 2011-Jan 2012 took my family on a trip with a group of 20 other people and our Rabbi and his wife to Israel ( we are not very religious). Almost had gone by ourselves but saw this as a way to reunite my family and celebrate my younger Sons Bar Mitzvah which took place in August on the Day of Hurricane Irene. There are loads of pictures of my wife and me where we look madly in love. Now I will admit that our marriage was tumultuous. I had a problem with control because my wife was always more focused on the Gym, Work, her Father, etc. etc…I tended to be possessive and jealous. The jealousness came from her attitude about shutting down and being very introverted. Her family was like this Abusive father, timid mother (who had an affair at 47, died at 54 of BCa). Her older sister was the victim of serious neglect and emotional abuse by the father, who by the way my wife adored like he was the Messiah, and invited to live in our house and moved him in whilst I was away on a business trip…She did kick him out three years later..And I was not very mature to her while he was with us...I made amends years ago to this.
Anyhow we met out tour guide he was a warm generous guy that my kids took a liking to. He was supposedly a hero from the Special Forces back from 1982-84 and was almost killed and spent a year in the hospital. What I did not see is that even though my wife complained that he talked too much and very soft and slowly, she was infatuated by him. During the tour his common law wife showed up and we all became friends (What I figured out later is that she always popped in on his tours when something he said to her about a female client made her worry about his feelings). Well we stayed friends and they ended up staying with us in September 2012 for a reunion etc. I noticed my wife acting like a little girl with her daddy when he was around…I ignored it. After they left we would all Skype each other every Saturday around 4pm...What I noticed is my wife was starting to get so into Israel and Mid East Politics that it was over the top and boring. I stopped participating in the Skypes. In April 2013 I noticed a lot of Activity on her Personal iPhone and searches about trips to Israel etc. I approached her accused her of an Emotional affair and asked her to stop and seek counseling. She refused counseling. Then I found an email from his wife where she listed like 10 other women he had become involved with, and then I remembered that my wife had mailed him a little charm that her mother got from a relative who had lived in Israel like 100 years ago. What I knew is we all signed a card, what I did not know is that my wife wrote a letter that she feels was warm and sisterly...Yeah right. It basically said, I have this strong feeling that we knew each other in another life etc. etc…it hit me that in Israel they called each other Soul Cousins. Well this Goofball told my wife that his wife was lying and he did not chase all those women, he also said that when he did have extramarital relationships it was not true that the women went back to their families, he broke with them…(another obvious lie!). What I never thought is that she would run up 100 hours of talk on her desk phone at work and 500 texts from her work cell phone, all of which had to be paid back. I get angry because I never checked these I thought it had ended, however it got worse. Well in July 2013 I was on a business trip and my 15 year old said he got a text from the guy on FB. I could not reach my wife except early or very late. When I got home I answered our phone and it was him and he hung up. My wife admitted they were together but it was not physical as he respected her. I did not know who to believe. I threatened to throw her out she begged me not to and we had intimate relations. She then went to the hotel he was at and told him to leave. CAN YOU believe he slammed into me her husband for having “Been” with her!!. Because truth be told he thought she would give him a going away gift. Well we had a family vacation the next week and I thought we were connecting, but she was crying all the time about not contacting him however over time she did quiet down. Around mid-September after counseling she claims it was over with him. Then she went away in November and she saw him while on a trip. I caught her and she called me cursed me out and said we were done. All while he was hiding in the hallway of her room. 20 minutes later she called me and begged me to love her and hold her and take her back…I did, we went to Florida for Christmas break with our kids, and had the best family vacation of our lives..I thought this was over.
Then I started to get anxious, I asked her if she had a two year plan to leave after our youngest graduated high school. She said I was nuts…Low and behold I started hearing a weird ring. I knew she had a burner phone somewhere. I tried to 180 her and she accused me of withdrawing on purpose, so I got back to being a loving husband. Now she says I was smothering her. Well on Feb 10,2014 her car was not at work when I went by to take her out. She accused me of spying. On the next day I set her odometer to 0, when I checked it I realized she had gone an extra 22 miles. She claimed it was to shop for me for Valentine ’s Day. Well on Wed the 12 I tracked her GPS right to a hotel exactly 11 miles north of her job. She stayed there about 40 minutes and went to work. Then at the end of the day she headed back, so I called her and was a little irate. Then I called saying just forget it lets talk, we will talk tonight. I believe that that week is when they got intimate. When I figured that ; I knew she was done with me. Then I got an email that said Things got over the top today, don’t be upset but I need time to think, and she emailed me three days later asking for a divorce. She hid in a hotel for two more weeks and went with him to Israel for 14 days in total. Came home and went right back to a hotel where they have been ever since. She plans on living in an apartment partially paid by him, and then go on all these trips he does for tours with him (but she pays her way by the way), and eventually move to Israel but live here a few months and there a few months. This guy hardly works anymore and just hangs around waiting for her. He also stays with friends when he travels that are too dumb to see he leeches off of them.. This is what I cannot compete with this fantasy life he offers her.
We are in contact and I will reveal things on this thread as they are called for.
This story is so unique I hope she never finds this website because…who knows…

[Cadet]

Please use carriage returns to break up your posts, the big blocks of type are hard to read.

[Oxford1]

Please use carriage returns to break up your posts, the big blocks of type are hard to read.

Sorry I was just typing away

[KarenR]

I am sorry you are going thru this difficult time. You might write shorter posts so that you get more response. The details of everyone's story are different but it sounds very much like the 'walk away wife syndrome' that Michele writes about. If you arent' talking to a DB coach, I suggest you do, as they are experts in these situations and will help you learn to interact with her in a way that brings her closer and allow you an opportunity to work on your marriage. Best of luck.

[MrBond]

You concentrated this whole post on your W's A and about the tour guide. But what were the marriage issues that the two of you had? You keep mentioning that you gave her everything (material) that she wanted when instead most women are looking for emotional connections more than monetary. How was your relationship with her in that area?

[Oxford1]

You concentrated this whole post on your W's A and about the tour guide. But what were the marriage issues that the two of you had? You keep mentioning that you gave her everything (material) that she wanted when instead most women are looking for emotional connections more than monetary. How was your relationship with her in that area?

We had an interesting dance. Early in our marriage we got along great. After we bought our first house things started to move towards a point of mild disconnection. The arguments increased and the pressures of work and kids kicked in.

Then we bought our custom built home and over time as my wife said it was not a home it was a place we lived. We started coming apart at the seams.

The fights increased there was some two way physical issues...It was a house of turmoil. Sometimes neither one of us wanted to be there.

I can get into specifics but it will take 30 pages.

My anxiety built up due to money. lack of trust (unwarranted at the time..you know the old adage, if you accuse someone of having an affair eventually they will have an affair)

I just can believe the girl that I married, The woman who was upstanding and moral. The Lady who lost her virginity to me is now sharing the bed with another man, in a cheap hotel, miles from my home and we are not even legally separated...I am so sick over this..AND SO GUILT RIDDEN!!!

[Oxford1]

We did make an emotional connection. Me had so much in common, we used to camp together, continued to work out together. Went fishing together etc.

What I can't give her is this new found super Jew she has become. This new wanting to live in Israel thing...etc..

She told me that he connected to her differently at a spiritual level.

Meanwhile last week I was at the gym, all of a sudden I got this chill up my back. I said to myself something just happened to her, I hope the pos did not hurt her.

She texted me ten minutes later to tell me she fell in the shoulder and dislocated her shoulder!

Then she asked if I was alright..I texted yes why, she said she had a weird feeling when she left on Friday that I was very distraught.

I don t get her at all.

Now this weekend she keeps texting me. I keep getting back when I can with one word answers.

If she so much wants to divorce me, why will she not leave me alone?

[Oxford1]

I keep mulling over the what ifs? What if I did not confront her via telephone on Feb. 12, she would not have ran to Israel with him, she would not be hiding in a hotel with him.

She would be here I would try my hardest to 180 her, I would get my wife back.

How easy will that be she. He's romancing her and introducing her to all his friends and taking her on trips?

Funny thing is he has asked her how much she makes and she admitted she showed him her six figure salary!

His first question, wow with all that money how come you don't have a lot saved up?

[Oxford1]

Am I wrong to talk to her. Do I treat her nicely do,I 180 what do I do?

I have to admit that part of it is my early desire to get her to move back home. Number I is I am worried monetarily and number 2 I was hoping it would get us back together.

The money part is still hanging over my head, but talking to some of my professional colleagues I realized how rugged-up this is.

(Several of the young women want to take me out to A gentlemen's club to expose me to what's out there)

Any way from about 4 pm until 6:30pm I received 5 texts and at least one call from her. I had my colleague delete them and the VM.

The cell I have with me is my corporate cell and I have asked telecom to block her numbers. Not sure if they will.

Someone way back said she may use someone else's phone...boy you had a premonition.

My phone rang at about 6:30 and it was from a number that looked like it could be a client. I answered it was her. I told her I was busy. She started telling me about her getting trip insurance for two trips.

I commented oh nice so you bought your ticket to Israel also, you don't seem to give a damn that's right when s15 has finals.

Her comment " he will be fine, besides I told OM that I was leaning towards moving into the basement of the house, so he insisted I buy the tickets now"

I said whatever and hung up.

I learned my lesson everyone now let's see if I can stop disappointing myself....

[Oxford1]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power

I am trying to get some advice on my situation. It seems some of the other boards are filled with people whose marriages ultimately failed. I just don't want that for me. Even though I have been told over and over by MC's, IC'S, friends the divorce coach you name it this is what they say :

you two have been caught up in this twisted, unhealthy dynamic for so many years (bickering back and forth, control issues, mean-spiritedness, each of you fighting for your "inch of ground" on every issue) that it's not really HER you are missing. It's the sick, unhealthy DYNAMIC that you can't let go of.

That explains why you rush to see every call, voice mail, text, whatever. You can't seem to live an ordinary life without the drama that you BOTH create.

Until you do some deep soul-searching and self-reflection to discover why you are so addicted to this poisonous relationship and these very unhealthy interactions, this will go on and on. Why do you crave negative attention from her? Is it because ANY attention is better than NO attention?

Normal relationships do not look like this. At all.