Which was only a few weeks ago. It wasn't until she was leaving that "suddenly" you learned what you were doing was wrong.
" I believe this A may have been going on before the D was dropped ."
And your bad behavior was going on before the A.
"I thought something was up but couldn't put my finger on it. I accidentally came across the A. I understand my wrong doings and I'm addressing them for me. "
This is where you are wrong. In your case, you really do need to address them for your W and ESPECIALLY for your D. Not you. Everything you've done in your last M and now has been to satisfy YOUR needs and not those of others.
"Daughter is from affair. W still wants to pick her up and help with her care while we're divorced."
Then I feel sorry for your D. She has to live with the fact that she was part of a relationship that destroyed a M. Sounds harsh, but it's true. That's why if you're going to stop drinking and carousing, then you do it for her, not you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I see your point. I was selfish. I don't want to be selfish and yes I know I said I'm addressing my issues for me which in fact will be for my W and D. I want to be a good husband who is loving and caring to his w and father to his D. I know my wrongs doings. I know what I've done wrong, yes your right it's only been a few weeks which I have made changes, I want to show my W, D and step son they deserve a great loving family. I get your point I have been selfish.
"So being that you have this knowledge what do you think is my best course of action?"
....first things first....if I were you I'd get off the booze....that means total abstinence; 24 hours at a time...you may or may not get your wife back; that outcome is uncertain...but I'll tell you what is certain...if you go back to hitting the bottle your life will get worse; MUCH worse in fact.
....I drank and ran around on my first wife; those two behaviors go hand in hand....after 9 years she rightfully dumped me over it and I don't blame her one bit...I told her later she did me a favor because it made me get off the booze...and after I was off the sauce and the fog started to lift; I was glad to be divorced from her...you might feel the same about your run-around wife after you get off the booze too....I've been clean and sober for 34 years and have seen that happen a lot.
....if you don't get help and try to quit on your own; you'll probably go back to drinking....go to AA...it's free and it works. Good luck!
3/23/2014, I did some investigating and found out who W has been having an affair with, he was on her facebook page, a person who must do some business or was a patient of hers where sh works. when I seen him the first time on the facebook page I thought maybe. You know that gut feeling. I did some more and sure enoug its him. I confronted my W and politely asked her if she was having an affair and of course she said no. I told her I know she is and I have proof. She denied it along with being defensive. It really made me sad. I then noticed all his contact information was removed from his facebook page.
The one thing I don't like is how My W tries to get all friendly and even flirt with me after this conversation. trying to throw me off. I did read when an A is found out it causes it to no longer be a secreat and tends to make it fizzle. I have know idea how long its been going on. I have been working the aftennon shift for a year now. I do remember getting a text from W in last August her telling me that my behavior was suspicious. I reassured her that nothing was going on. Just makes me wonder if she was projecting. The one thing I can say is yes I made mistakes and yes I was selfish, was it all the times no. I seem to always try to connect with her. I remember for the first 4 years of our R we were really a great couple. I know I drank which did cause a problem.
My W asked me about a book that I bought and it was in my drawer, The Love Dare for couples. She asked if she could look at it and what was it about. I gave it to her and she read Day 1, There are 365 days and you read eachone and it gives you a task to do to streangthen your M. She then went and got her Daily pray book and read that prayer, we discussed the bible and I read to her some versus. I bought her almond cookies and she had a huge smile on her face, she said are you trying to win me over with the cookies, I said I have a better chance with this pointing to the bible and she said I kind of laughed and she you have a better chance with the cookies we laughed. I didn't like that, its not funny, I didn't tell her this I thought. I take God and the bible very serious. We had a good faith at one time and we fell away from God and I can tell you this, Our M took a nose dive. I went back to God recently and he has carried alot of this burden and I'm thankful for him. My W told when she dropped the D bomb on me that God had given her the streangth to do it. That is nonsence, God does not want D, I didn't tell her that.
I pray for her everday and that God softners her heart so she can knock them walls down.
You didn't answer my question as to whether or not you waited 9 years until your A broke up that you apologized to your first W. It's important because if it took you that long to apologize to her, what makes you think that your current W will be back any faster?
Right now all the self-righteous behavior isn't going to help much. Neither is all the concentrating on the A itself. Again, you've only been "right with God" for a few weeks. Hardly what most would consider as life-changing.
" I did read when an A is found out it causes it to no longer be a secreat and tends to make it fizzle."
It didn't in your case with your first W. And in fact you probably treated your XW worse when it was outed or you really didn't care about her feelings and just carried on.
What I find interesting in your case is that you were in your current wife's shoes, yet you expect her to act differently. It wasn't that you lost your "faith" along the way of your relationship, it was that you took the relationship for granted and drank. Period. Changes take time and patience. To be honest, these were traits that weren't exactly prevalent in your past. Are you really willing to stick it out for the long haul even if your current W treats you the way you treated your first W? Be honest here.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes it took me 9 years to apoligize to my first W once the A ended, I was fobidden to talk to her and I thought abought her an awful lot, I actually felt I was not worthy of her and I didn't deserve her. I felt like I deserved all my pain I had in me. That A was such a horrible internal battle for me.
I began to drink during the end of that A. I used it to make me numb to all of it. I binged drank. When I met My current W she was just unbelievable, we connected and we were inseperable fora very long time. I did drink off and on during my M. When I drank is when I had some issues. I was a jerk at times. The big issue is how I tried so many different ways to connect with her son and he just wouldn't. I let my W handle all the discipline with him the last year and half. she wanted that.
I always wanted a stronger R with God and yes I'm having one now. I know I didn't have one in the past. My changes are going to be permenent. My W really hasn't treated me all that bad. She is a very kind hearted person. I do know after yesterday me telling her I know about OM, she seem to warm up to me and when I say warm up showing some interest, like asking me questions about church and how do I like it actuall conversation. W even was telling me stories when she was a teenager about some church stuf. W was even curious about the Love Dare Book, she asked if she could lok at it and what it was about. We read day one together and read some other bible stuff, so some positive baby steps. I am in it for the long hall I know its only been a short time and I don't have much time left before this is final. So even if we do Divorce I will continue with my change and DBing, How long I don't know, it may even take us getting D. How long will her A last don't know 9 years, I hope not, but you never know. I do believe he is the reason she filed for divorce, I believe he pressured her.
My w has noticed all my changes and even called me fantastic. She did say she is scared and don't know how long they will last. I told her I understand why she would think that way.
Let me just say this I just discovered this A. I was dbing the day she dropped the bomb. I believe this A may have been going on before the D was dropped .
I would say that's about a 99% certainty. Women rarely drop the bomb before they've arranged what they at least perceive to be their "safe landing spot."
