Tough spot, I'm going to be tough on you. You keep saying you are giving her space but reading your posts it sounds like you are following her around asking her about her lawyer, telling her to come back, etc.
When you beg her to come back and say its fine to try to work things out without her putting in any effort you look clingy and not like the strong confident man she married. Instead of focusing on if she's retained a lawyer, focus on your kids or a project at the house.
Even if the thought of divorce scares you to death, let this roll off your back and show her it doesn't phase you. Win her back because you are a happy, confident upbeat guy, not someone she feels guilty hurting. Let her do what she has to do and trust that if you give her space and work on yourself that things might be different in the future.
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
I was thinking on my drive into work that I have been kind of whiney lately. And, that it was time for some more detaching and gal'ing. I have certainly made improvements in those categories but I see that I haven't done nearly enough.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I do believe I haven't given her as much space as I could have and I also agree I have had too many R talks. It is my suspicion that she already filed for D. If that is the case, I am trying to haggle out the child custody deal beforehand.
It is my hope that if she indeed has filed, and we have hashed out a temporary custodial agreement, then when the actual D case is official, we can implement the temporary custodial agreement that much faster.
We have to have a custodial agreement otherwise neither of us will move out of the house, risk the stigma of abandoment, and potentially hurt the final custodial terms. So by pushing custodial agreement talks I hope for us to be able to separate quicker, get the much needed space, and possibly influence my ability to DB. The sooner that is done the more time I have within the six month minimum waiting period for a divorce in Michigan.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Turns out she hasn't filed for a D already but she will be signing the papers tomorrow. Heard through the grapevine, she hasn't brought it up. I am a wreck.
I am at work, it is after five, and I am trying to build up my mental state so that I can handle being around her without breaking down. Went to IC today, all about letting go. I let it go, then take it back. I probably have posted that same sentence 5 times in the last two weeks
I have to embrace the futility of trying to 'talk some sense' into her. It just seems so obviously a waste to go this route, but she feels that we must. I know all this logically but emotionally my mind just spins and spins in circles. 'And acceptance is the key to all my problems'. Wish me luck as I chant that internally for the next few days!
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
So she told me tonight she is going to sign papers tomorrow for a legal separation. We had discussed separation at one point as I thought it had better tax advantages than a divorce. I listened, said 'ok. I am against it but if it what you want or need then lets proceed'.
I thought we should at least wait a day or so in order to consult with a tax man to see if I was correct or not. She said she would file anyway tomorrow and if needed we could convert to a divorce with one sheet of paper.
We talked about custody again, no real changes there. I did say, which was a mistake, maybe not, that I would consult with a tax man over the next few days and examine if this was the best option for me.
I threw that out there because for some reason leagal separation doesn't induce the same sense of fear that a D does. It is still over either way, or at least both require acceptance that that is her decision and i have no control. But where/why/how did this little sense of relief come from. I will have to examine and make sure I am not reading anything into that that will potentially cause me more pain down the road.
She said to that 'aren't you the one who brought that option up'....I said 'yes'. She seemed a bit pissy about that statement.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I think maybe the little sense of relief stems from the fact that in this case, I get to make a decision. Up to now there has only been a feeling of complete loss of control. My wife has been making these decisions and I have been along for the ride, scrambling to keep up. Gives me a small reduction in the sense of having no control.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Here is a question. Usually when the wife and I talk to the kids we try to present a united front, even if we don't quite agree. When it comes time to tell the kids we are splitting, do I make it clear that I am not in agreement? They are 6 and 8, the older kids already know but I guess if the question comes up with the older kids the same question applies.
Does that cause additional strife to the kids? Is it part of the WAS bearing the responsibility of their decisions?
Please let me know your thoughts.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
IMO, the kids are gonna feel this. There is no way around it. That does not mean that they will not thrive later on in life.
Quote:
do I make it clear that I am not in agreement?
First off, what is the purpose of telling them you are not in agreement? If it is that you are trying to make her feel bad, is it being done as a manipulative tactic?
IMO, IF they ask (not by you prodding them to ask), then I think you need to be honest with them. Tell them that it is not what ou want but you will respect her choices. That should be followed up with a LOT of….it is not their fault, that you guys are still a family, that YOU love them (I would not say “we”, that would be speaking for your W) and that YOU will always be there for them.
I have not read your entire sitch…but if you have reached a parenting plan, then you want to let them know what that will look like.
Be strong. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I wouldn't do it for manipulative reasons (all though it did enter my mind as a way to 'punish' the wife). I was just wondering if it was right for me to in essence lie to the children. To take on a partial burden of guilt that might not neccessarily be due me. I probably will stick to the united front deal for the benefit of the children.
Anyone know the particulars of legal separation versus divorce? My wife filed for legal separation today based on research we did that it would be better for our taxes (a large amount of money saved by filing married/jointly versus two separate heads of household, times several years, makes up for the additional cost of converting to a divorce when/if either of want to get remarried).
I have a few calls into some CPA firms to verify. We both discussed that for us there is no distinction between the two. Was just wondering if anyone has any experience with that.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
