Meeting for "THE TALK" tonight

[mleigh4]

With my plans on moving my S and I back home, my H of course now wants to talk. We are meeting at a neutral public place, which I suggested, the house is just too gloomy right now. I am going in expecting to be walking out with plans of a divorce. If that is what he wants, than I will even begin the mediation process - that should be a good dose or reality for him. What's hard is that I have insisted I won't lift a finger to end this marriage, but at the same time, I can't continue on living in limbo, not knowing if he is seeing someone or not, feeling like a constant doormat. I miss companionship, I miss having someone care about me. I'm 44 and not getting any younger, I want to live life with someone who loves me and wants to be with me.

If he still says he is "confused" then I will agree to give him more space and time. I don't think I will push moving back home, only because I don't want to put my S in the middle of an unhealthy situation. That is the whole reason I moved out to begin with.

Wish me luck!

[job]

In most cases, there is someone waiting in the wings. As for confusion, please do not allow his confusion to throw you off track. You know what you need to do in order to protect you and your child.

Move forward w/your life and do what you need to do in order to get off the crazy train by detaching. If you say you are going to do something, please carry through. If you say you are going to do something and then don't follow through, he'll know that you are just blowing smoke to get to him and he'll continue to do what he's doing. You have to think of him as a spoiled little brat who is acting out and what does mom do? Corrects him or sits him in time out. Mom doesn't threaten but only so many times when the child learns that they are idle threats.

It's difficult to make decisions w/your heart telling you what to do, but it's now a business deal and you need to think w/your brain. Listen to what he has to say, but don't commit to anything.

Good luck!

[peacetoday]

Not sure if you saw a L yet but before you make any decisions to move or not move back, you may want to know the law , the facts and your rights

and you could meet tonight, here him out and not make a decision but you could let him know after you sort it all out and get some advice

as far as being in Limbo and this is just my experience and opinion is this time may be needed for you to work on you, reflect on the mistakes of the M and find yourself before you move on

this takes time there is no rush or the same mistakes may be repeated


Trust the process

Peace

[mleigh4]

Hi Peacetoday,

Thank you for your response. I have consulted with a couple of lawyers, so I have some knowledge of my rights. Based on the advise I was given, I think my plan is this:

If he says he is done and wants a D, then we can proceed with mediation which is basically setting up the marital separation agreeement that is used upon divorce, but that does not become effective until D is actually filed. The mediation does not mean you are filing, it just sets up things to do D. They also push for reconciliation.

If he says he is still confused and asks for more time to have his space, I am willing to give him that, and sign another lease for the apartment, as long as he agrees to not use this time to date and will continue to pay some support money. I am paycheck to paycheck in this apartment, it costs more than it would for me to live at home. Now, I know I can put these requests out there, and he can still lie through his teeth and do as he pleases. I do know that. That fear of him totally bailing on me, of bringing someone else into our family home, of lying and lying, it is what makes me sick to my stomach and unable to sleep.

OR - I could follow your advise, see what he has to say, and stew on it. My S and I are leaving town for Lake Tahoe on Sunday, which would be some great time for me to think. I still don't want a D, that hasn't changed, but at the same time, if he is checked out of this M, I don't know what there is to hold on to?

[mleigh4]

Any advise or opinions out there to help me keep my sanity and health in check would be greatly appreciated

[peacetoday]

just breathe

It will be ok

I know how hard it is, but in the end it will all be ok

If you have religious beliefs, pray, try to rest and sleep, exercise, journal, mediate

and trust yourself

Sometimes saying nothing is best until we know what our best move will be

It is like a puzzle while your in it..or a chess game
you make a move
he makes a move

But take your time

I used to think If I could get a D, The pain would be gone..but it is a process
and the rewards on the other end are great
The pain will not be gone by any one quick move if your anything like me
feel it all the way through and you will grow..you will know when its time

hang in
trust your gut
peace

[peacetoday]

meant meditate

[mleigh4]

Back from talking. It was actually pretty productive. H still says he is confused about what to do and is too scared to say He want a divorce. He is leaning towards D but not able to say it. H agrees keeping me in limbo is very unfair but doesn't know what to do. SIGH. So, we agreed maybe a dose of reality might help, so agreed to begin mediation process with no commitment to file. At this point, I am fine with that. He also said he might go talk to someone, therapy, but said he is scared that they will convince him that D is the answer because he hears from friends that is what happens. I told him either way, therapy can be very helpful, that it has helped me tremendously.

About moving home, he doesn't think we are ready to jump into cohabiting, I agree. He worries if me and my S move back, and he moves out, that my S will think it is because of him. Also a worry for me. I told him I need to think more about that before making a decision.

H says he has been happier since I left. I told him, lets see, you have had the comfort of home, having all your stuff and toys, and less marital and parental responsibilities - who wouldn't be!!?? I told him another good dose of reality would be for him to go out on his own, and that I still leaning towards going home, but I will think about it.

[job]

Well, it sounds like the conversation went well, however, he does appear to know what to say to keep you hanging just a wee bit longer. Until he actually seeks therapy, I wouldn't hold my breath. They tend to tell us things that we want to hear, but don't always follow through. Actions speak louder than words, so take what he's said w/a grain of salt.

I'm sure he's very happy living in the family home w/all of the stuff and his toys is wonderful for him. He's not the one that was uprooted and he will do everything in his power to remain right where he is. He's really not that concerned about what his son thinks because if he did, he would made sure his child remained in his home. No, your h is more concerned about what his child will think of him and what others will think as well.
Why wouldn't your child not think it's because of you and him that "daddy" doesn't want both of you living in the home now? What's to stop your child from thinking this right now? Sit down w/your child and have a chat to see where his thoughts are. It's time to start focusing on him a bit more. The thoughts have probably already been planted w/your move out of the home. Your main concern is your child, but also do not allow your h to manipulate/control you through the child either.

You have a lot to think about. However, if I were in your shoes, I would still return home and also seek out the professional services of a child therapist for your son because he's going to need to speak to someone whether he is living in an apartment or your home.

As for your h...he would either live in the guest room or he would hit the road to discover what life is about. After all, why should he have all of the comforts of home while you are living in an apartment? Isn't he the one that's not happy? Then he should be the one to go out in the world and find that happiness pill on his own, whether it's living in a tent or under a tree...but you and your child should not have to suffer for his crazy making behavior.

Just my 2 cents this morning.

[peacetoday]

I like what Job said

Our H our great manipulators so time will tell

your H may just be buying more time to figure out his end and they are all confused
yes
I believe there is a part of them that wants to help the LBS and children

but when the rubber hits the road
many
will totally abandon LBS and kids and some leave giving no financial help or continuously trying to lower their child support

peace