Well I picked up my divorce summons/complaint/papers this morning at my wife's lawyer. What a tough job that would be. I was pleasant but I bet they have to deal with some pretty upset people upon occasion!
The past two days I have sensed, basically it feels like waves of hate from my wife. I have no idea why she is so angry. I haven't been talking R with her, went and picked up my papers as she requested, as far as I know I have done absolutely nothing to her. It feels like she just hates the fact that I am not gone yet.
Her and her lawyer sure are shooting for the moon based on the paperwork from today. Wants alimony, primary custody, child support, me to help pay for her lawyer, maintain insurance on the kids, and an equitable division of our stuff.
Doesn't she remember going over our bleak looking finances 1.5 months ago and setting up a budget? We have a lot of debt....not sure where she thinks all this money is going to magically appear from.
I might ask her tonight, simply, 'why are you so angry with me' and see where that goes. Not sure.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
So I asked. She said 'it isn't you, it is the tension, like something has to change or the divorce needs to progress'.
Eh, I still take it a little personal. I should be getting a temporary custodial agreement soon which would allow us to rotate out of the house on our non parenting days. Have to see it first, have to run it by my L first, then make a decision.
Part of me wonders if the agreement isn't to my liking whether I should go with it anyway as it would speed up the process of us having space. I don't think there is a chance of R right now, with our current living arrangements, and the constant tension between the two of us.
The other part of me says if I am not completely happy with the temporary arrangement that f$(@ her, I am staying in the house until this process is complete. Not sure which side will win out....
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Probably shouldn't have changed my facebook status to divorced then
Do you know why you did it? Can you see and understand why?
Originally Posted By: tough spot
I pointed at the note and said jokingly 'about time'. You know, rather than being sullen about it or begging/pleading against it I thought that would be something unexpected.
Is the real reason you said this jokingly was to not be sullen? Be honest… why did you really say it?
Originally Posted By: tough spot
The past two days I have sensed, basically it feels like waves of hate from my wife. I have no idea why she is so angry. I haven't been talking R with her, went and picked up my papers as she requested, as far as I know I have done absolutely nothing to her.
Her anger is HER issue to deal with. Also, stop always thinking that this is about YOU. It could be about her. Who knows why she is angry.
Originally Posted By: tough spot
Her and her lawyer sure are shooting for the moon based on the paperwork from today. Wants alimony, primary custody, child support, me to help pay for her lawyer, maintain insurance on the kids, and an equitable division of our stuff.
Totally normal. The first step of the process is usually to ask for the world.
Originally Posted By: tough spot
Doesn't she remember going over our bleak looking finances 1.5 months ago and setting up a budget? We have a lot of debt....not sure where she thinks all this money is going to magically appear from.
Stop for a second….. do you think that she is worried about where YOU are going to have to come up with the money for this? Once you have started the D process, IMO, you need to treat it as a business deal. Terms like “us”, “we”, “she should understand”…do not apply. She is going to do what SHE feels she needs to do. You will need to do the same.
Originally Posted By: tough spot
Part of me wonders if the agreement isn't to my liking whether I should go with it anyway as it would speed up the process of us having space. I don't think there is a chance of R right now, with our current living arrangements, and the constant tension between the two of us.
I will warn you now…. Agreeing to something that YOU truly do not agree with under an EXPECTATION that X or Y will happen is a bad way to go about this. If you agree – expect nothing. Do not expect that agreeing to all of her request are going to translate into her seeing that you are wonderful guy.
Peace, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Kind of leads into my next question. She is angry/tense all the time I am around. Just my presence alone, I don't have to speak. However, when I do speak, even something innocuous, the anger/tension comes out in a disrespectful tone. I don't think I am being over sensitive.
I don't think it is right for me to allow her to speak to me in that tone. How does one approach that? Or do I just stop speaking at all? Or, do I just say to myself that she is angry with life and not to take it personally? Or, is that codependent justification? Ha, could keep going round and round here....
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I don't think it is right for me to allow her to speak to me in that tone. How does one approach that? Or do I just stop speaking at all? Or, do I just say to myself that she is angry with life and not to take it personally? Or, is that codependent justification? Ha, could keep going round and round here....
When you go to the store and a person there attends you angry...do you spend hours asking that person why? Nop right? You accept and leave with your coffee, well this is the same, she reacts angry and you pay attention so her anger increase because at this point her respect level for you its 0, just dont stay around when she is angry and work on yourself, at one point that anger will dissapear and if it doesnt...imagine the hell of a life she is gonna have for the next 50 years being upset...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
She is angry/tense all the time I am around. Just my presence alone, I don't have to speak. However, when I do speak, even something innocuous, the anger/tension comes out in a disrespectful tone. I don't think I am being over sensitive.
You may be being a bit sensitive. If you are it is normal. In terms of her anger, who knows what or why she is angry. I have seen that in many cases, the WAW is anger because it help justify their choices. At the end of the day, her anger is her issue. If she does not like seeing you in the house, she can leave. Not that you should say that to her per se. My point is ignore it. Keep your focus on you and your happiness.
Originally Posted By: tough spot
I don't think it is right for me to allow her to speak to me in that tone. How does one approach that? Or do I just stop speaking at all? Or, do I just say to myself that she is angry with life and not to take it personally?
What is she saying to you? If she is calling you names i.e. arsehole, chithead, etc. then you need to say to her that you do not appreciate it and then walk away. Sometimes people will initiate a conflict so that the other person responds..giving them the justification they need to respond back. It also help solidify in her mind everything that is wrong with you. If she just seems distant and angry and every now and then mumbles something under her breath, then I would just ignore it.
At the end of the day, she is going to feel the way she feels.
Keep the focus on you and YOUR life. Try to get out and do things that you enjoy doing.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
So I should just detach and pay it no mind? By doing so, doesn't that just keep her respect level for me at zero? Or at this point no matter what I do the respect level will stay at zero? I do agree she has little if any respect for me at this point.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I would no allow her to walk all over you nor talk to you like you are a piece of cr*p.
Why do you say she does not respect you? Can you give me some specifics.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
