Meeting for "THE TALK" tonight

[mleigh4]

Thank you both. Boy did I wake the dragon by saying I am moving home. He was so pleasant last night... I have gotten quite the lashing today. He is sending texts full of anger, that I need to think about how moving my son back home is out of spite. His thinking is so twisted, it is extremely sad who he has become.

I am standing strong, chin up. H says he is setting up mediation as soon as S and I return from vaca. Sure, whatever. Nothing for the last 8 months and now action. I am ready for whatever he throws.

[MrBond]

"that I need to think about how moving my son back home is out of spite."

That is messed up on so many levels.

[Ambivalent]

You have a lot to think about. However, if I were in your shoes, I would still return home and also seek out the professional services of a child therapist for your son because he's going to need to speak to someone whether he is living in an apartment or your home.

^^^^^ This is wonderful advice ^^^^^ I'd take it and bake it!

He has the issue, it is the marital home, allow him to go on his journey. Your son needs stability, his friends, his room, his mommy comfortable and available.

Daddy needs to grow up, deal with his decisions and face the consequences.

<3's

[mleigh4]

I am taking in all your advice, along with my therapist, friends and family. You all say the same thing - move home. Unfortunately, I allow my H to make me 2nd guess myself.

Thoughts going through my mind:

Move home:

feels like right thing to do.
s and I should be home.
H should leave if he needs space.
I pay less to live at home than in apt, assuming H puts in his fair share.
Will stop my anger and resentment that H is not having to make any changes when he is one having issues.
If H stays in home, will most likely be tense, stay out till all hours, lie constantly ( this is why I left in first place)
I hate my noisy neighbors above me
I work every day for my home, not to live in apt
If H stays, no more back and forth custody for S
Home with dog, my son's dog
I think I can GAL and move on better. Too much limbo wondering how long to stay in apt.
Would feel more settled at home

Stay in apt:

Less stress
H craziness not in my face
Nice place
S likes it here, has new BF right next door ( but they plan moving in Aug)
Moving home seems to have pushed H into starting D process
If I stayed, gave him more time, would he stop D process?
H says we will have to sell house, which would effect where my S goes to school.
Wouldn't put S up front and center in H crazy world and behavior
Living here has done nothing to help our marriage, it's worse

I don't know what I would do without this board. All the resources and reading everyone's stories and battles have helped me to stay sane. I truly know this is not about me, it's my H journey. Once I decide on this next step, I feel ready to move on. In my heart, I think I know the right choice if I could just stop letting H stir that up!

[mleigh4]

I read so many posts where you guys say how hard it is to live together during this process. I read that many of you are happier when H leaves. Although I am the one who chose to leave, I wonder if I don't appreciate my living situation. I feel the ideal would be for us to move home and H leave, he needs to experience that. If he doesn't, will it be more stressful for S and I than what we have now?

Does anyone by chance have a crystal ball I can borrow??? Lol

It really feels good just to talk this out.

[job]

I will only say this. No matter whether you move home or not, if you rock his boat on something else and he doesn't like it, he will threaten D again. I would call his bluff and if he files for D, let him. Mlcers like to make threats about divorce because it's the only way that they can get the spouse to back off. You do realize that there is no guarantee even if you remain in the apartment that he won't file?

No one should have to leave their home unless they are being abused or someone is threatening to kill you in your home. If he's that unhappy, then he should be the one to leave, not your or your son. Right now, he can tell others that you left because you weren't happy and not the other way around. Right now, if he were to file, he could say that you abandoned the home and marriage. We know that's not what happened, but they do love to twist words so that others believe that we are the reason for things happening the way they do.

When you move home, look to his as a roommate, no expectations. Continue to live your life as if he's a renter, nothing more. The more you try to tell him what to do, the more he's going to do things, just like a two year old who tries his mother's patience. Again, it can be done, but you have to be determined to live your life and keep your focus on you and your child. As for him, well, he'll be sleeping on the couch on the guest bedroom and I don't see him going anywhere because his mission is to stay in the home and block you from coming home.

You and only you can determine if you want to reclaim your home. I wouldn't let anyone tell you what to do, especially that husband of yours. I would take some time and think about it because you and your son really do deserve to be sleeping in your own home, in your own bedrooms and w/your pets. But, that's my two cents.

[Ambivalent]

Mleigh4,

I am amazed you moved out. Why didn't he? I know you mention that you couldn't take his behavior , did you ask him to leave? Are you prepared to stand for yourself and your marriage? What have you done for yourself to prepare for moving back into your home?

[mleigh4]

Thank you Job, Your advice always means a lot to me

Hi ambivalent,

When everything blew up in August, I started catching my h telling lies, staying out late with friends I had never heard of, and my H became very cold and distant. My H decided it would be best to separate, to see if his feelings could come back for me. I told him if that is what he wanted, he should leave. He complained that his dads was too far to live at, wouldn't be able to pick up S after school like he does each day. H said apt would not work for him as he has work van and he wouldn't have anywhere to park 2 vehicles. He complained that I can't afford the mtg by myself and it wouldn't be fair for him to pay for 2 places. He insisted separation would be good for us, for him to have his space and we would still spend time together as family, and even do stuff alone. . (Which he decided he didn't want to do after I moved out). We decided a 6 month lease would be good, a 6 month break for us both. In my mind, this was completely temporary.

Me, being the loving and hopeful wife, agreed to this. At the time, my whole world was falling apart, my head was spinning, H and I were fighting like crazy, H was being a completely different person, so I just wanted to get the hell away from him.

I didn't know anything about MLC until reading Michele's book. If only I knew then what I know now, I would have handled it different. I regret leaving, however, I have used this time to read many self help books, I see a therapist, I have been put on an anti depressant , I am using a DB coach and really working on me. I believe I am strong enough and knowledgable enough now to handle him at home. I just worry about the fallout on my S. he is only 7, a very sweet and quiet child, and sensitive. I definitely plan on taking him to therapy to help us.

[ladylu]

M, I am glad my circumstances never put me in the same place as you because I never moved out.
That said he won't either. You are right to worry about being prepared that the contact and the limbo will be uncomfortable. It will. It is still right to stand your ground and claim your home.
What helps day to day is to pretend we have been divorced for 20-30 years. I may think he's still an a$$ but like it ancient history and not worth me rising to the occasion.
Prepare for this though. For your son I think it's easier to adjust and think dad's just not here physically.
When dad is there physically but not emotionally and becomes unreliable that is a shock.
Hugs girl, I'm with you. I'm 43 and in limbo too. I don't want the record to show I was willing to give up.... But I can't die on my sword either. Life is out there. I'm awesome and so are my kids. We can't have Stockholm syndrome.
LL

[DFE]

Take it from a 4 time soon to be champion. Yes this is my 4th time going through this with him and I've done it both ways. You have a S. He should feel as little change as possible. You and your S need to stay at the familial home. It's familiar and comfortable.

I left the first time only to return after I was told when you leave it could be considered abandonment. Boy was he angry when I returned. He then left the other two times and although it was hard it was home. This time around I went to my moms and left him with the kids to give us a breather. I planned to go for a couple of days. Well he liked it too much. He was ticked when I came back.

I said you are the nor that wants out so you will go. My kids will go through so much change that I would like to keep. Their surroundings comfortable. Good luck.