Sandi2's 37 Rules

[Upwards]

Chances are It will sound punitive to him. I know you want to protect yourself but that does not require informing him of your new label. The more you challenge his choices, the more you force him to defend them. Your belief, perhaps, is that you'd be "rewarding" him by not cutting him off. OR he'd be cake eating. But you can keep that cake eating from happening without telling him "you're NOT my friend"...

When we talked a few nights ago he asked could we "be friends and see what happens" and also agreed to spending a little time together as friends - I felt that this would be allowing him to just keep me as a 'Plan B' and keep the other girl as well, it didn't feel like it gives an intuitive to move towards the marriage and also I feel that doing that would only hurt me because his attention would be elsewhere?

I told him that I wasnt happy to do that and he agreed that it wouldnt be fair to expect me to, he then said he had some decision to make and that he "needs to find some strength to do whats right" and left it at that. I havent brought it up or mentioned it since.

He's said that the OW is nothing serious, as i'm aware they only see each other every couple of weeks and its mainly phone/text and emotional stuff I suppose. He's said it would never be a long term thing, he could just be saying this to me I suppose but I think I believe him.

Let me repeat that for emphasis, be civil to him at all times.

We are always really civil and get on really well, we rarely argue (now) and we're both learning how to avoid conflict and how to disagree in better ways - its working well so far. That's the crazy thing we get on so well even whilst separated, we have a very deep connection.

I'm going to share some ideas with you that helped me. I GAL big time, even in the winter, while we lived in the interior of Alaska, near a small "city". It was not easy or convenient. Neither is divorce or being a single mom forever.

Wow you did so much!!! I have a health condition (fibromyalgia) which impacts on my mobility and energy levels so I struggle with anything physical but I'm trying to do as much as I possibly can and trying to push my boundaries and do some things I've never done before.

I've been seeing friends/family more, socialising, cinema, bowling etc. I'm joining the gym & going swimming. Tanning, nails done, pampering myself. I've been looking into doing some voluntary work again. Joined Al-Anon for help with recovering from codependency. Seeing a therapist & have signed up for some self-esteem & confidence courses.

I'm going to have a think what else i've always wanted to do or thing I can do that I wouldnt normally!

Very nice to hear. Make sure he knows your changes are really just "getting back to YOU" and that you are happy to be returning to yourself as well, not b/c of him or FOR him, but for you...make sense?

Yes he knows its for me and only me, he made the comment after I said I was beginning to feel like myself again It surprised me as I didnt think he'd noticed that much to be honest but he clearly has! I'm in this rut as a result of his addictions and how it affected our family, he has a lot of guilt around that and I think that's a big barrier he has between us at the moment as he cant move on from that guilt.

Flesh out that vision of life without him, [i]but with you being happy. Can you tell us any of what that would look like?

That's one thing i'm unable to do at the moment, I can envisage my life without him in it... I know that me & the kids will be ok and I know that I will be happy in time, I just cant picture it right now.

[Upwards]

I've decided to cut contact, i've posted on my thread here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2439396#Post2439396

[claire7]

I totally hear you! I made all the mistakes I could possibly make. What's done is done. I'm just trying to move forward. Trying to keep in mind that the only thing I can control is myself. I still have so much hurt and anger--he is a stupid fool-- but if this becomes divorce my goal is to truly be the kind of person that everyone would agree only a stupid fool would leave.

[Upwards]

I totally hear you! I made all the mistakes I could possibly make. What's done is done. I'm just trying to move forward. Trying to keep in mind that the only thing I can control is myself. I still have so much hurt and anger--he is a stupid fool-- but if this becomes divorce my goal is to truly be the kind of person that everyone would agree only a stupid fool would leave.

Sounds like an excellent plan Claire! You can only control YOU, what your H does is his responsibility, so work on bettering yourself and you are a winner either way

[gogofo]

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

I need some clarification and opinions on these two rules above.

I have been working on myself and one of my 180s is to appreciate and think more about friends and family, mine and the in-laws. I was selfish and self centered and this is something I don't like about myself and want to change.

The wife and I are separated, but I still have had contact with the in-laws. I have never asked them for help and we don't talk about the W or our situation. When they ask how I am I simply reply good. What we do is just catch up about work and what we have been up to or whatever, but never the situation or W.

The W has been getting upset about this. On Feb. 15th I delivered some homemade sausage to the MIL and FIL and we ended up talking for a while. The MIL failed to tell me or the W that either of us were going to cross paths that night or I would have left.

W gets upset and thinks I am playing games and trying to turn her parents against her. I tell her I dropped off sausage and we started talking and I had no idea she was there or I would have left before she arrived. Told her it had nothing to do with her and I left. Later she sent a text message that she was okay with me visiting as long as my intention was just to talk to them and not try manipulation or whatever. Manipulation was never my intention, I just missed her parents and wanted to give them sausage and catch up with each other.

Last Sunday I delivered two birthday cards to my SIL's house for two of my nieces. I did not stop or talk to anyone, but I probably would have for a little bit if they were awake. The W calls yesterday, upset, and asks if we have anything to talk about. She was upset because I dropped off birthday cards. We sent text messages back and forth and she feels that I am trying to mess with her and only doing this to manipulate her. I tell her I just wanted to give them a birthday present.

There is also a package to mutual friends who had a baby, friends that were hers before we met. I am sure when she hears I did this she will be upset again.

My intentions were not to manipulate her or mess with her. I tried to do these things without telling her as they were things I wanted to do. Are these actions from me in violation of rule 6? I am trying to live suggested in rule 12 and get on with me and my life and working on who I want to be.

I have had suggestions in my thread about stopping contact with her family because that it what she wants. I feel that is something she will have to work through because my contact with them has never been about her or our relationship. If my actions do not match her perception of me, I cannot help that, but I don't think I should stop because she thinks I hate her family.

[Upwards]

I think number 6 specifically refers to getting family/friends to help persuade/talk to your spouse with a view to changing their mind or challenging their decisions, I don't think it relates to general contact from what I can gather.

Personally I would try to come to a compromise - talk to her and find out why she feels so threatened by you having contact with them, make sure you listen and hear what she has to say about the situation. Then explain where your coming from, tell her that they have been a part of your life for many years and you would like to stay in contact with them and that you have no intention of causing any problems or discussing the situation between the two of you.

See where it goes from there. Its a difficult one as she will see them as HER family/friends but they are part of you life also, if she is really upset about it then maybe you could agree to less contact as a compromise?

[gogofo]

Thanks Upwards, the contact isn't daily or weekly, but maybe once a month. I know she doesn't know how often we do or don't talk, but any contact at all might be too much for her.

The talk seems like a good idea and I will probably do it if or when the opportunity arises.

[25yearsmlc]

if you did not talk about W to her family members, there is simply NO issue. If she says "ah, but now you are behaving differently!!",

you can concede that it was a change YOU WANT to make and you're glad of it b/c those folks mean a lot to you. They are part of your life and as grandparents, always will be...there's no "manipulation" in you being more considerate. It's called self improvement and you're working on it. Period...she ought to be happy for you (and in a healthy moment, she might be)...

But don't cut them off. IT's unfair to them, and if you are truly NOT discussing your w, then it should not matter. Don't let her fears control YOUR actions.

But make darn sure you are not talking about her to them...

as for the awakening on your end, I don't see how this relates. I mean, does it?

Also see the TED videos by Shawn Achor and Amy Cuddy about "Faking it til you BECOME It", and "Positive Psychology"....they're not long but they are profound.

[gogofo]

Thanks 25, you stated clearer what I was thinking and feeling about my contact with her family. I do care about them and we do not discuss the situation.

Last Thursday the W and I had another talk in which she said she misses my family. I figured she did and I know they miss her. We have not been hostile to each other and probably have as healthy of a R you can have while separated.

I saw a reference to both TED talks in another thread and watched them a month ago. Very inspiring, both of them. I immediately bought Shawn's book "The Happiness Advantage" and have been working some of his systems for 30 days straight since I finished the book. His book has had a profound effect on me and the way I look at my life. I think it is a must read and for me helped me move farther along with myself. I have never felt this much internal happiness.

[rednet]

I wish I had seen these weeks ago, but I have started today. My gut has already told me its too late but my feeling still betray me. Thanks for this wonderful advice but its late, I have already screwed up on a bunch of these. Still I start today!