Well, probably comes as a shock to no one here but found out there is an OM now....guess it's pretty serious and she is going to introduce him to S. Shouldn't hurt after all this time -- in fact pretty much expected. Still hurts. Struggling with another man being around S....always knew I would. I'll post more when I've processed and absorbed it all more.
We went to C together last night to discuss S still having problems and to discuss co-parenting. She basically said that she feels that S has a hard time transitioning because I get sad about it. Mind you, he never sees me cry....I hide my eyes or look away - and he says unprompted "I don't like my mommy", "I don't want my mommy anymore"....and a lot of other things....I do NOT feed or prompt it. There is something that he is struggling with and her explanation is that it is basically my fault. ZERO accountability on her part. In fact, she said "he doesn't do that when he has to go to dad's house and I know I'm not a sh*tty parent" -- again, in her mind it is my fault.
With regard to OM, I never knew about it. I mean, I knew it was very well within the realm of possibilities. I wish I was big enough right now to be able to genuinely wish her happiness.....I'm not. I told her that I need to get her out of me head and heart. And in order for me to do that, I need to keep her as far away as possible at all times. Her concern was that I wouldn't send her pictures and updates on S anymore like I often do when I have him. Selfish much? But the thing is she feels I am being punitive when the fact of the matter is I am finally awakening to the need to take care of myself first......which I have not done. I have made her a priority from a distance and sacrificed my own feelings for hers for a bit too long all in the name of showing change, growth and a willingness to be different and show up differently in our relationship. I think I'm done. Pretty much have bloodied my head on that wall more than a few times.
I could say more about the appointment, but I will summarize simply by saying that she still lives as the victim, takes no accountability for her role and is content still blaming me for things that are not going well (like S and the transitions).
Again, I think I just burned out my last drop of gas here. I'm done.
Your XW is your XW, she isn't going to change until she's ready to change. And no one jumps up readily to say, "yes, I've done things that could make my S say he hates me" and especially not to their XH.
About the updates, I would guess she's putting on you how she would behave in that situation. Let it go as much as you can.
How long are you going to do joint counseling? Have you talked with the counselor one on one?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Sorry to hear Crimson. Your strength and no quit attitude is inspirational. Keep on being the greatest father you can be for your son. Now that you decided you are done, I believe will make it easier for you to move forward.
You have a great support network here, your going to be alright!
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
She has been 1:1 once before. Clearly, I go more frequently. I don't see the point in joint counseling at this point. There is no way she is going to open to the idea of owning her "stuff". She still blames me for things and limits her responsibility in the demise to "I allowed you to treat me that way".
I really don't want updates from her at all. For now, I want nothing from her except as much of her absence as I can manage to obtain. I told her it may not be that way for ever - but I just need to be away.
I think what I am grappling with is the fact that I feel hate for her creeping into my heart and my head. And I don't like feeling that way - but at the same time made I need to. Yesterday was a big trigger and it just sent the last few years of pain, rejection, frustration and tears kind of flooding back into my mind. I think that I went so far in owning my parts that, after she owned none of hers, I really took to blaming myself for everything. And she, as I would tell her about my role, would just nod and agree. Over the years it has left me with the feeling that I AM all of the terrible things that she said on some level. And I lug around guilt and shame as a result. Academically, I know not to take that on - but my emotions run over my head a lot.
It really was eye opening when she said that my being sad is what causes S to struggle with transitions. Totally blaming me for it and exonerating herself. That hit me right between the eyes. Hard. It was just a glimmering example of how much she shirks accountability.
Probably over-posting today, but it helps me organize my head.
uggg sorry about that buddy. just feel what you need to feel and try to work it out. It must be really hurtful and it is normal that you are feeling this way. You need to stop blaming yourself for everything, it took 2 to break the M. Kids are like sponges they pick up on how parents are feeling and react in different ways. It is possible that he can sense that you are sad. It is also possible that he is reacting to OM or things that are happening at exw's home.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Stay in this mode c. Let go. Quit thinking about her. I know exactly what you feel bc you do so well at describing everything I've felt. Our stories are different...but the same. We have all loved someone unconditionally. Beyond the point that it even makes sense. Love yourself now c. Let go.
I still allow myself a sad moment thinking about what shoulda, woulda, coulda, then SNAP! back to reality. I look at the mess she has made of her life and chuckle bc its not my prob.
What's the saying? The best way to get over a woman is to climb on top of another one?
Thanks, Rick. I don't think she has introduced him to OM yet - but I think he is just generally happier at my place. We are very closely bonded and I think we interact with him differently.
I can't believe the selfishness -- she dropped the OM bomb on me and her primary concern was that she would no longer get pictures and updates on S from me. That spins my head the more I think about it.
Thank you, GM. Yeah - the selfishness just kind of beams right through on some of these things. It may be the first time I am seeing it clearly without the fog of guilt or denial. She even brought up in C how she wants to be able to negotiate better for holidays and the time she gets. I mean, we don't even have a rapport - none. Why would she expect that? We are not friends. I don't even buy her line that we are a "team". We are a team when it comes to her wanting something above and beyond what she is entitled to.
I am trying to put me first. There is nothing that I can do to keep her from thinking I am some monster. She will never see me as anything but that. I just don't care anymore.
