I've just read this FANTASTIC post/article that HeartsBlessing wrote back in 2010 and I found it really inspiring, I think it highlights just how important the LBS's journey is and thought by reposting it that it may help others too.
Originally Posted By: HeartsBlessing
This an article I wrote today regarding the LBS journey; I've had to think long and hard,drawing on memories of what happened to me from a long time ago.
Hopefully, this will help all of you in whatever stage you may be in. If I've missed anything, kindly point it out, please. smile
I was then, and will always be, an advocate of the journey the LBS has been forced to take; that, quite honestly, is really an OPPORTUNITY for changing themselves into better people than they were before the bomb in MLC hit.
I have taken this same journey..it was a long and hard one for me; so I know it won't be easy for anyone else. It never is, but it was the BEST thing I could have done for ME.
My husband was deep within the MLC tunnel when my journey began; three months after the "bomb" was dropped on me. It took me that long to "get it". This was about ME, not him. And so my journey began, as an individual,WITHOUT his input or his involvement, and changed ME for a lifetime.....
In that process:
My perspectives changed, how I viewed things changed, I became comfortable with myself, and understood a lot more about myself; was able to accept myself and most of all to love myself as I am, not for what I would want myself to be. That is true acceptance of self.
I found that most people's opinions really do NOT matter, they can take me or leave me, their choice. We are all at different places in our journeys, some are ahead, some are behind, but each person is important, and deserves to be helped if needed. We can learn from each other, no one's view is really any better than another's, they are just different, mainly because of the place they are at in their journey, and we learn to respect those differences.
I retained my compassion for people who are hurting, but do not have any tolerance for people who hurt others. I will back away from people who would try and hurt me, as I WILL protect myself from "toxic" people who would bring down my PMA. I love everybody; but I love myself more, and so, I shield myself, taking NOTHING personally, regardless of what's said to me in anger or otherwise. I became important to myself, and that is NOT selfishness, that is self-care; I learned that if I do not take care of myself, no one will do it for me. I've realized that I cannot save the world, so I do what I can and let the rest go, as I cannot afford to "burn out"
Though I still love my husband, I do not love because I need; I need him because I love him, and will let him go, if he decides not to stay with me anymore at any time; love is "letting go", and I learned that within this journey of self.....there were many more changes, too many to list here.
Depending upon the issues at hand that are tailored for each person going through, I will NOT cite a time frame, and make the mistake of causing people to think that it only takes a certain amount of time to get through this necessary journey. I went through the LBS journey when my husband went through MLC, then I went through a Mid Life Transition that seemed to prolong my journey through to wholeness. These two journeys went back to back for me. That does NOT mean that someone else will do the same.
Each person takes this journey as an INDIVIDUAL. There are no right or wrong ways to take this journey. What's important is that it's taken, in its entirety. The only place you cannot start, is at the end, LOL, as you will not know what the ending is, until you reach it.(A little humor to brighten things up.)
Unfortunately, I don't remember any kind of roadmap to start you out...I've suggested the "Mirror of self-honesty"; it is as good a place to start as any, it will help you to begin seeing yourselves as you really are within. Being honest with yourself is VERY important; it is the only way to changing whichever areas that need change within you.
Remember, it's NO ONE's place to judge you for what you see and reveal to whomever you choose to use as a sounding board(this is someone you can trust and talk to that can help you put these things into perspective).
Also remember that the answers are contained within YOU, no one can "give" them to you...and if you think you can't find them, well, you just haven't "tapped" them yet.
Above all, don't be afraid..this is not a test where you score for how well you do. You can take as much time as you need to complete this path. But it must be done.
Attitude is important; don't take this journey in the hopes you'll get your spouse back. This is for YOU, not them...they should NOT be in the picture you're looking at of yourself. This is an INDIVIDUAL journey; just as your MLC'er/WAS is on a journey that is all about them, this is all about YOU.
One of the best things in this life, is to come through the journey the LBS spouse takes, learns the lessons of life, fixes the things within that are wrong with THEMSELVES, and come out on the other side, whole, and healed.
They know within themselves in the end, without the shadow of a doubt that they are and will be all right regardless of what their MLC'er does, the marriage comes back together or not, or even the twists and turns that life may take in the future.
Life, when it comes down to it, is nothing BUT one big problem to be solved, and solve it you will, as you live each day of your life. You will, when you come through, carry the tools needed to do this once your journey is completed.
How to get there? That's NOT a one size fits all answer. Each person's journey is different,tailored to the individual themselves...no one can "tell" you what to do; or how to do it.
You just do it, and it starts by looking deep within yourself.....
You've just been bombed; you're lost and afraid. The person you've given your life to, has betrayed you, abandoned you, says they don't love you anymore, or give you the speech of "I Love you, but am not in love with you". When you ask them why, they tell you they don't know, or blame you with every bad thing they are feeling...and it is hard NOT take them seriously.
You're uncertain what the future will hold, and that is a normal feeling..but you don't think it's normal. These things should not be happening, you think to yourself. You want strength, but can't seem to find it. You can't eat, sleep, nor seem to get away from depression. The fallout is everywhere, there is thick dust you can't seem to see through.
Eventually, you reach out for help as things do not seem to be coming back together as you'd hoped they would.
What you meet is a group of individuals going through the SAME thing; they tell you it's "MLC", it's NOT your fault, and furthermore, begin to try and get you to see that you must go through what you perceive is more pain and suffering; and you don't want that. You want a "quick fix", you want your life back, you want your spouse to look at you like they used to.
I've got a newsflash for you: You're NOT going to get that; when your spouse went into the tunnel; your marriage and your life, as you knew and saw it, DIED. Get it? It's dead, as in not coming back ever again, burned to the ashes, GONE.
All the crying, begging, pleading, clinging, demanding...all destructive behaviors will NOT help to fix anything. They will only cause MORE damage, as disrespect from the MLC'er will ONLY increase.
One thing you need to worry about as the dust from the fallout settles, is protecting yourself from the MLC'er if he/she is financially irresponsible..you may think this doesn't have anything to do with this journey, but you're wrong. This is the FIRST thing you DO need to learn..protect yourself from those who would hurt you. A firmly set boundary in the financial area alone for now, is very important; if you do NOT have money to support yourself and your family, you will go bankrupt, and lose everything material that is necessary.
The MLC'er is NOT going to be responsible, so YOU have to be..formulate a plan, and stick with it; ESPECIALLY if there is an OW/OM involved. Neither needs your money, YOU DO.
The next thing I suggest, if you need to, see a doctor, and get a physical. Why? Because MLC takes its toll on you, and YOU are important..if need be, get some anti-depressants or something of that nature, to calm you down so you can begin to cope with what's happened. Your mind will need to be clear, as when you "get it" you will begin the journey within yourself.
Looking within yourself is one of the HARDEST things anyone can do or ever will do. I can't tell you where to start, as everyone is different, but you can start by looking in the mirror of self-honesty; UNCOVER that mirror and look hard. Anyone who says they have NEVER made ANY mistakes in their lives is LYING to themselves AND to everyone else who knows and loves them.
Be prepared to "sort" out what you see with someone you trust who understands what you are doing. A Sounding Board is really important, someone who will be honest, and straightforward; helping you to begin see the areas of change that are needed within you; also they can help you effect those changes, making them permanent. This is important work on yourself; DON'T NEGLECT IT, don't skip over it, thinking it's not important.
In time, as you progress, you will see yourself as you really are, seeing some VERY hurtful things, things you will NOT like.
Are you still fighting the fact, that you will need to take this necessary introspection after reading this far? I can tell you something from experience: You're only hurting YOURSELF,not anyone else; this is where the "Control lesson" one of the MOST important lessons in this life, comes into play.
The only person we can control in this life is OURSELVES, not anyone else. The MLC'er did his/her damage, sure, BUT, you cannot help him/her; accept that you can only help yourself. That means taking the focus, such as it is, OFF the MLC'er, and putting it on YOU as the important person.
As time passes on, and you learn about YOU, beginning to fix the areas within you that need to be fixed, you will CHANGE. And for the better, NOT worse. You'll gain strength, understanding, confidence, and patience from this walk down the path toward a better YOU.
Read self help books, talk to the people on this board, do more things for yourself. Get a life that's separate from the MLC'er; get on with it..time won't stand still because this has happened; it marches on just like it always has. Don't waste it in "pity parties" or wishing for the MLC'er to come back, nor spend any more time grieving than you'll need to in order to accept this major "death" in your life...things have CHANGED, and you'll need to change right along with it.
You'll find, given time, that happiness is NOT found in another person, it is found WITHIN ourselves.
This is a PROCESS, not only a journey; and as you effect the changes within, people WILL see these changes, even the MLC'er that left you behind. Most importantly, they will affect the reactions of others toward you.
Taken properly, in time, it will no longer matter to you if your marriage makes it or doesn't, you'll find that YOU have grown stronger, see more clearly; most of all you'll know within your heart, that you WILL make it, regardless of what happens. If your marriage rebuilds itself, AND the MLC'er makes all the necessary changes he/she must make as well, it will be a bonus.
You'll find you don't really need another to "complete" you; you'll be complete within yourself, regardless.
And you'll begin to deal on your own terms, as a more mature individual for what you've done within YOU.
This is NOT a "magic pill" designed to solve ALL your problems, but it will help you cope with ongoing problems, not just in the MLC.
This process will take, TIME, you'll suffer PAIN, sometimes you will feel GUILT..other times you will feel SHAME. Don't run from them, EMBRACE them, as your attitude will be most important. You're not alone, others have gone this same route, walked this same road toward healing, and wholeness.
It is most important that when you accept all the mistakes you've made, make all the necessary changes, that really NEED to be permanent, that you FORGIVE, not only the MLC'er and anyone else who has hurt you, but YOURSELF.
Take each day as it comes, one day at a time, one step at a time,be kind to yourself, you're human, and not immune to making mistakes.
Again, this journey is for YOU, and ONLY YOU.
This is the journey of a lifetime, an opportunity for YOU, take it, and make the most of it.
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
LL 43 H 51 T 8 M 6 SS 17 15 S 6 D 3 H MLC started early 2013-think earlier actually, when BFF almost died mini-BD 8/13 separate rooms IDLYA, demands D ASAP 1/14 DR,DB,180s,LRT,GAL since mid Feb So confused
Great post - I have read it before but reading it again and again is really helpful I think - reminds us of a few things for sure! I am really taking her advice to heart. It's all true!!
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
First of all, just for the record--HeartBlessing, and Hearts Blessing ARE one and the same entity--me. When I came back in 2010, I wasn't able to locate my old login. However, around a year ago, I found it again, and put it away.
I'm very glad you find this article helpful to your journeys. It's the most important connection you will make in regards to yourself.
In the end, because of the changes you will make within yourself, it will come to a point that it really won't matter if you're married or not.
If your marriage survives the MLC, your marriage will become a bonus, rather than a means to an end. The actual success will be through the completion of this journey of learning. This is how I've learned to view it.
Along the way, I learned a lot more about emotional survival, security, and I really did come to know that I didn't need someone to 'complete' me, as I learned to look to the Lord first in order to become complete within myself.
People will fail you, they'll leave you, they'll often choose not to honor or respect you, and because of their selfishness, they'll leave a long trail of destruction in their path.
However, the Lord will look after you, make a way where there isn't one, because He will open doors that seem impossible. He restored my marriage, but it was a long, hard road, before it happened. There were many things I had to learn about myself, and when it came down to it--I learned that I had choices, too.
My husband had control over some things in regards to whether he wanted to stay married to me or not, but he didn't have control over everything, especially me.
Try as he might, he could not take away my choices. He found out that he wasn't the only one who could choose to walk away--I could, too.
Yes, I'm still married,(it will be 29 years this year) things are fine, and life continues to do what it does best--throw a few curves from time to time, but that's par for the course. The tools I gained from having walked all this way have been very valuable in helping me field whatever life decides to throw at me along this way.
I'll tell you something, though. It had to come to a point where I didn't care if I were married or not. I had to learn to stop being afraid of losing something I had already lost, and I had to also stop being afraid of what I really couldn't control in the first place.
You can have hope without being worried or afraid, and I also learned this through my own journey. I stopped expecting anything, learned to live a life of relative peace, and something about that drew him back toward me.
However, there were still feelings within him for me, and I still had feelings within me for him, or we would not have come back together. He did things that caused me a lot of anguish, deep anger, and many times of grief. These things I had to learn to overcome within myself.
On my own part, if I had not been able to forgive him,(and heal fully from the damage that was done), I could not have lived with him. It took a while, but time was what we both had to work with.
I chose my road, and walked it with the understanding that it was my life, my choice to do what I thought was best for myself. I found a change of perspective and perception that opened my eyes in ways that might not have happened if his MLC had not happened in the first place.
If things had gone another way, and my marriage hadn't made it through as a bonus, well, the time would not have been wasted, because I walked my individual journey that I also made a choice to walk--doing it for myself, and no one else.
We all have choices--never let it be said you don't have a choice, because you always have that, when you don't seem to have anything else.
There are NO guarantees in this life except for what you'll gain from taking your individual journey to wholeness and healing. You can't make people do what you think is right, you can't make people take responsibility--and when you realize this, it makes it easier to simply let them go, let God do His work in their lives, while you also let Him do His work on and in you.
Don't lose heart-hope is still alive and well, and as long as you have hope and love, you'll always find the strength to hang in there. Also, don't let fear overwhelm you, there really is nothing to fear but fear itself.
Sure, you're going to walk a hard road at times, the MLC spouse isn't going to want to do what's right, but what they are going through has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them in the first place.
Their actions may affect you, but they cannot destroy you unless you allow this to happen. Tap into the strength that lies within yourself, and learn to stand strong for YOU.
In the end you'll learn to reclaim your own individuality, and best of all, you'll learn to know yourself better than you did before.
So, you learn to do what's necessary for yourself, let them go to do their worst, understand that behind every bad action lies a hurting person, but don't let that stop you from learning to set firm boundaries on their behavior.
Above all, learn you're not a failure if your marriage doesn't eventually reconcile--in the end, it does take two people to make a marriage, and one to break the marriage.
I was in the search engine earlier, and was startled to find this article/post circulating. I actually thought it had gone the way of the archives.
Thank you very much for continuing to circulate such an important piece of information--and the LBS Journey is a very important aspect to walk for all people so they can become what God meant for them to be once this portion of it is done.
For what it's worth, although I finished this same journey long ago, I'm still walking my life's journey forward in different aspects.
Change, growth and becoming should continue throughout one's life because, quite honestly, that's what we are here to do in the first place.
I have gone on to learn many other things, and my learning hasn't stopped.
The MLC spouse has to learn the SAME lessons, taking the SAME journey as the LBS--the timing is different, but the lessons are the same.
Use the time you've been given wisely and well, live your life forward, and last, but not least, learn that you will be just fine, no matter what happens.
Wow. I really needed to read your post Hearts Blessings. My journey was there when I met my H and he chose to take a u turn within 6 months of our M. I was in the know about a few things why, but searched and discovered so far so many things that are making me grow and learn that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'll be okay not matter if the D ends our marriage and H never wants the M. Thanks again for expressing there's hope and it's all about my journey and H is on his own journey, especially since I gave him over to God.
Wow. I really needed to read your post Hearts Blessings. My journey was there when I met my H and he chose to take a u turn within 6 months of our M. I was in the know about a few things why, but searched and discovered so far so many things that are making me grow and learn that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'll be okay not matter if the D ends our marriage and H never wants the M. Thanks again for expressing there's hope and it's all about my journey and H is on his own journey, especially since I gave him over to God.
I'm very glad you find this article helpful to your journeys. It's the most important connection you will make in regards to yourself.
Hope you don't mind me re-posting, I read it & it REALLY inspired me! Also thank you for updating, you really are an inspiration & i'm going to keep reading this when I start having doubts
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
Bless you both-I posted early this morning not expecting an answer back. In the time since I wrote that article, I've learned even more--how that is possible, even I couldn't tell you.
Originally Posted By: BrightFuture
Hearts Blessing, wow, what a pleasant surprise to see you stop by. I’ve read a lot of your threads and learnt so much from your journey.
It's good to know people are still reading what's been written--not just from me, but from other wise people as well. There have been many here who have come such a long way in their journeys.
I never said I had all of the answers,because I'm still learning from a place of full healing.
But then, NO ONE has all of these things, except God who gives generously and for the asking.
What people usually need to know in the beginning after emotional bomb drop are two things: their spouse is in a major mid-life crisis, and once this is uncovered, learned about, and a good understanding is attained, then the second aspect is accepting one cannot do anything for the MLC spouse, but everything for oneself--and the Journey becomes the second aspect to begin walking.
Along the way, people will uncover their own self-truths--my self-truth, for example, would not be the same as say, your self-truth.
However, the basics of the personal journey that are covered within my article are a springboard to greater learning within oneself...it's a beginning, a threshold into this journey of a lifetime.
Quote:
What an inspirational post, once again! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You're welcome, Bright Future. Sometimes one needs all the help one can get. I'm glad you're learning from the threads I wrote. While I realize no two people's journeys are just alike, the fact is the goal of learning is the same, as it's important to learn for yourself the lessons of life.
You do learn through and during this same journey toward a better and more mature self, to separate yourself completely from your MLC spouse in an emotional way.
As you discover the areas within yourself that need change, growth, and becoming, and begin healing these, you'll experience a reality of a different kind--that of your MLC spouse.
When we are damaged within ourselves, we can't see what is wrong within the MLC spouse until through our own healing, we begin seeing them in this very same kind of reality we've learned to see in our own self.
Before this happens, we have a tendency to view the world through a lens colored by our own personal issues. When we begin healing those issues of self, our own view changes. It's surprising what you'll also see in other people. What you once thought of as "normal" begins to look a lot different.
The changes you make within yourself will affect everyone around you--and some that had once controlled and manipulated you will be forced to do something different (grow up) in order to relate to you in a more mature way--or they'll choose to walk away--but that's the chance you take, because there comes a time when we are called upon to grow up for ourselves.
I lost a lot of 'friends' when I began growing up, and in time that became OK, because it's better to have a few friends who are willing to grow with you, than to have friends who continue trying to prevent your growth, because they don't want to change, grow, and become right along with you.
You do find along the way that it's not much of a loss at all, because you will gain more than you think--and yes, it's hard at first, but in time it does become easier.
Change must needs to begin within YOU FIRST--then all else will fall into place, given time. You'll find that even if things don't work out, what you've done for yourself becomes more important than saving your marriage, because you'll have learned to save yourself first.
Originally Posted By: Upwards
Originally Posted By: Hearts Blessing
I'm very glad you find this article helpful to your journeys. It's the most important connection you will make in regards to yourself.
Hope you don't mind me re-posting, I read it & it REALLY inspired me! Also thank you for updating, you really are an inspiration & i'm going to keep reading this when I start having doubts
I don't mind at all, Upwards, the reposting is fine--that's what it was written for in the first place.
LOL, an inspiration? Me? No, I'm just a human being who has learned much wisdom through this trial by fire. I would rather think of God as the ultimate inspiration, because He was the one who has taught me these things. As my life continues, He continues to teach me about things I didn't know before.
You've got so many that don't want to do this necessary inner/mirror work within themselves, and that's a shame.
Of course one always has a choice-to take the journey or not to take the journey--if the journey is taken, more is gained than lost--if not, there is a time of cycling that is not much different than a MLC spouse who gets stuck in their MLC.
What you don't face, you will come back to for another try-and in time, the only way out is through.
I'm not the same person I used to be, and that's to be expected, because maturity brings on a more refined sense of responsibility toward oneself first.
All of the old immature ways of relating ended up going by the wayside in favor of a more solid and mature way of relating.
My personal journey brought forth a greater emotional strength, and a better sense of balance within myself.
As I get older, I'm still going through various changes--that's also to be expected, but it's all good, because it's all God in the first place.
Since God would have us to become more balanced within ourselves, it stands to reason this important emotional journey would be triggered by the MLC.
It would have come forth anyway, triggered by something within ourselves. Yes, it's hard, but worth every step walked forward, every fear we learn to overcome, and worth it to learn to be what God would have us to become as a result.
You know, we did the best we could with what we had earlier in our lives-marriage brought on changes, having children brought on changes--in some ways we matured, but in other ways, we were still lacking various aspects that the LBS Journey seeks to round out, and balance within us.
I spent so much time helping people to understand the MLC, and still teach on this aspect. However, comprehension (and the learning to accept and embrace this process) of the MLC is only one part of a whole journey--and when it comes down to it, once we come to understand more about the MLC, it should divert us ( for lack of a better description) onto our own personal journey that will lead into eventual wholeness and healing for ourselves.
The reason for that, would be because of learning the first life's lesson: We cannot control anyone but ourselves, our actions, reactions/responses.
Eventually, it all cycles back to ourselves, because change, growth, and becoming truly does begin within US.
HB thanks for writing both the journey of LBS and the MLC'er. I've printed out both and highlighted for future reference. I rarely post but I read this often. Bless you for sharing your wisdom!
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
