my wife left, but still lives with me #3/continued

[ericmsant2]

I am operating somewhat in fear.

Not a good place to operate from!

I am literally in the position so far of only being able to respond to what my wife does, not take the initiative.

Why? What are you afraid of? Her filing? She has already done that. It is time, especially as it relates to protecting YOUR R with the kids, that you drive this a bit. Be clear on what it is that YOU want – not what your W is willing to give.
IF deep down in your heart you believe that 50/50 will not work – then that’s okay.
Remember this…..”doing the right thing – is NEVER wrong”.

I mean, we can talk about what our plans are but whatever trust was there is long since gone so it almost is worthless.

You continue to operate as if there is an “us”. Now is not the time to trust that she is going to do right by you and the kids. She has her opinion and you have yours.

As for the email. I would not send it.

Do you really think anything you say to her is going to change what she does?

Speak to your L. Let him know what is happening and see what he says.

[tough spot]

anyone know why sometimes I see someone posted on my thread, but until I type in/submit a new paragraph, can't see the next page?

[tough spot]

Sigh. So my wife said she doesn't feel 50/50 custody is in best interest of the kids. I propose a sharing agreement that is basically 160 days out of a real 50/50 split which consists of 182 days and she responds with 'well, i don't hate that' and asks for some more details.

I give her the extra details she asked for and she responds with 'no, don't like that at all'. Anyway, I can see this will take some time. Have talked to my lawyer and he says we have time....just need to reach an agreement before the May 6th court hearing and we can avoid court.

I am soul searching right now.....trying to verify that the reasons i want 50/50 custody are the right ones. I really can't imagine being away from my kids....and if I have to be...I can't seem to get my head around accepting anything less than 50%.

I will share with you that not only did the BD open my eyes to my poor marital relationship, it has also shown me the precious nature/relationship I have with my kids. Both are something I had took for advantage and see the error of my past. Don't want to repeat that!

[tough spot]

Well I have haggled my way to a 40/60 split so far. Still not content nor feel it is in the best interests of the children. So, time to leave it alone for one week until I talk to my lawyer on the 23rd. Have to ask him his opinion.

IC seems to think that I have a really good shot at 50/50 as there are no issues such as abuse etc. She seems to think that the edge my wife may have on the kids with school was based on our agreement that that was how we would raise the children. This divorce gives me the opportunity to change that and since I am quite capable of doing that, shouldn't count against me.

So in a better place currently. This custodial deal has been gnawing at me for weeks. So much so that I seem to have lost even a vague interest in trying to R the marriage. The way the wife has been acting, when it does occur to me, I wonder if I had my choice, would I choose to R......

[tough spot]

Today was my eldest daughters college graduation ceremony. Went pretty well, everyone got along, had fun. Well, until after the ceremony when I was outside with my 6 year old. He decided to run down the sidewalk through the row of graduates coming out of the building and promptly disappeared.

Holy freak out. Lost him for about 10 minutes...got a hold of my wife as she was coming out of the building via phone to tell her our son was missing (I had taken him out early as he was restless). 5 more minutes of panic before we found him. That is the second time in my life where we have temporarily lost a child in a crowd. Not a pleasant experience!

Went to court Thursday to attend a random strangers temporary custodial hearing to try to get a feel for what will happen on May 6th when I am supposed to go. Doing research and that was recommended as something to make one less nervous and potentially gain some insights on how to act/proceed. Of course, the one I chose/had time to attend, something went awry as no one ever showed up in the hearing room.

Will try again on Monday. Talk to my lawyer Wed night and will be asking questions about that hearing, what to expect, how to prepare, and what he thinks my 'chances' are to be awarded 50/50 custody. Wife still fighting me on that all though I have decided not to discuss until after talking to the lawyer next week.

Tomorrow is easter, have plans to be with wife, family, and inlaws all day. Seems so weird sometimes doing the 'normal' things meanwhile pondering my potential custody defenses. Trying to just stay in today and enjoy it as it unfolds. Another one of those life principles that are so simple yet so difficult to implement........

[tough spot]

Wow did I make a mistake. Occasionally, say once every two weeks or so through this divorce process I have given my wife a kiss on the forehead. Well today, I was feeling pretty bad and walked into the bedroom and my wife was sleeping. I bent over to give her a kiss on the forehead, my 9 year old came in and says real loudly, 'why are you waking her up'. of course wife woke up and so me looming over her.

So she comes out and asks me what I was doing and I told her I was going to give her a kiss. She freaked out....furious, says it is creepy and even illegal. I am completely taken aback. I guess I did cross a line and it could come across as creepy. Totally not the intent. I told her I was having a particularly tough time and that it was just an expression of love.

She said 'why would you do that while I was sleeping, knowing that if I didn't want a kiss while I was awake that it was a violation to do it while I was sleeping'. To which I was confused as she never objected to the occasional kiss these last few months. I tried just to validate and assured her it would never happen again.

Talk about another difficult to deal with sign that someone wants absolutely nothing to do with me. The crushing sense of rejection tells me I haven't detached enough.

[tough spot]

Well, talked to my lawyer the other day. Boy I hope I can convince my wife to move to 50/50 custody. Otherwise it will be a long, hard, an expensive road. I asked what my chances would be to get 50/50 if left to the courts. Unfortunately the referee/judge in charge of our case is new and my lawyer has no idea what type of custody arrangements he favors.

I really don't like spending money. I really really don't like spending money I don't have on stuff like a contested custody case. Lawyer tells me could be something close to a 3-4 day trial, witnesses, expense, expense, expense.

However, the kids well being is truly of the upmost importance. I truly feel that what is best for them is a real 50/50 agreement. I don't feel I am a better parent than my wife (she does feel she is better than I though)....we both have issues. We both have good points as well. I think that exposure to the children is what is best for them in the long run.

And, since that is how I feel, I can't sit by the side and let my wife dictate to me. If this was about a car or the home, I might be willing to cut my losses and 'settle' over the issue. But it is my children's well being and I will have to do/spend/wait/work on, whatever is necessary to see that through.

No argument, some little doubt, lots of fear it will not go my way, but I have to try. Morally there is no choice for me.

[Dad2Fiv]

I was told true 50/50 agreements were only offered if agreement reached otherwise will have custodial and pay support! Good luck same boat here!

[Barrybran]

I've only read the last page of your thread. I'm sorry noone has popped in to say a few words. I hope someone pops in with some wisdom soon.

[tough spot]

Still no getting my wife past 60/40 custody. She keeps maintaining that the 'kids need a stable school week' (which means her I guess). I responded with the 50/50 schedule of 4,3,3,4 gives us alternating weekends and me always taking them to school on Mon&Tuesday and her always taking the kids to school the rest of the week.

I don't know if her primary concern is the children or not. Let me rephrase that....I think her primary concern is the children but money and inconvenience to her weigh pretty darn high up there...

Any ideas on convincing a spouse to go 50/50 on custody? I really think that that is best for the kids.