Crimson......still just checkin' in.

[AnotherStander]

I think what I am grappling with is the fact that I feel hate for her creeping into my heart and my head. And I don't like feeling that way - but at the same time made I need to.

I can't remember who said this a while back, but hate is a place we go when we're hurting, it's an easy place to stay because it feels pretty darned good there, LOL! The problem staying there is hate and blame go hand-in-hand so we build up anger and resentment, and never really address the underlying hurt. So try to peer through the hate and find that pain underneath there and work through it.

The way I look at it, my XW is not the person I married. I don't know if she's "sick" or confused or has just changed or what, but for whatever reason, the person she is now is incompatible with who I am. I can blame her, or menopause, or anti-depressants, or (fill in the blank); but for me it was easier to move on when I just accepted it all as my "new normal". It's not "good" or "bad", just different.

I think that I went so far in owning my parts that, after she owned none of hers, I really took to blaming myself for everything.

It's a tightrope walk trying to own our faults and grow/ change while not blaming ourselves! But in the end, I think most of us were just most guilty of being guys from Mars. We quit connecting with our wives emotionally, and we quit validating them and nurturing them. Of course we all wish we knew then what we know now, but we didn't and our ignorance is not our fault. Now if you went into a new R or M and made the same mistakes, well then you would deserve blame. But not for what happened before you gained this knowledge.

And she, as I would tell her about my role, would just nod and agree.

LOL! That's my XW too! She might throw in something like "well I guess I could have done better too" now and then, but she's never owned any specific mistakes on her part (and there were MANY )

[Crimson]

Thank you, AS. I don't want to be in a place of hate. I know that all it does is consume the hater and go undetected by the hatee. I think what has ended up happening is that a lot of the resentment and anger about being left, being dragged through court, having her deny me equal parenting time.....all of that that I have suppressed is starting to creep to the surface. And resentment is poison -- I don't want to feel that way, but I can't seem to get my arms around it.

I am hurt, angry, and done. And I am devastated by her selfishness and inability to see beyond her own wants and needs -- or even to acknowledge how this has impacted S and how she has a role. I honestly don't know what happened to the soul that I met 11 years ago - it's gone.

[Rick1963]

Hey big guy b easy on yourself. You should pat yourself in the back for being hopeful all this time. I have a head start on you. I decided the day we got divorced thst the door was closed. It helped me heal. Im still healing. Its been 3 years for me and I still fantasize. That exw will send an email begging to come back or crawl herself on her knees and beg. They are anger and hurt fantasies. Because I woulndt go back. I really dont wish ill on her. It would hurt my D and it is not who I am.

So......

You need to decide

To let her go in your heart and brain

Or

Hold on

[paul19510]

Hey big guy b easy on yourself. You should pat yourself in the back for being hopeful all this time. I have a head start on you. I decided the day we got divorced thst the door was closed. It helped me heal. Im still healing. Its been 3 years for me and I still fantasize. That exw will send an email begging to come back or crawl herself on her knees and beg. They are anger and hurt fantasies. Because I woulndt go back. I really dont wish ill on her. It would hurt my D and it is not who I am.

So......

You need to decide

To let her go in your heart and brain

Or

Hold on

its funny rick...but I'm much earlier than you but feel the same. W is hurtful to my kids (not all...but 2 of 3)still I wish she'd regret it or try to come back sometimes

[labug]

She has been 1:1 once before. Clearly, I go more frequently. I don't see the point in joint counseling at this point. There is no way she is going to open to the idea of owning her "stuff". She still blames me for things and limits her responsibility in the demise to "I allowed you to treat me that way".

I really don't want updates from her at all. For now, I want nothing from her except as much of her absence as I can manage to obtain. I told her it may not be that way for ever - but I just need to be away.

This is all fine and to be expected. I rad in a later post you feel hate creeping in, that's also OK as long as you don't allow it to control your life. You'll get past it, emotions change. Acknowledge what you feel and why you feel it then watch it pass on.

((( )))

[labug]

There is no way she is going to open to the idea of owning her "stuff". She still blames me for things and limits her responsibility in the demise to "I allowed you to treat me that way".

This is you wanting her to change and this is what causes the tension in you.

Let go of needing her to change and see her as who she is. I don't think people change so much during marriage but rather the pretenses drop and we become more of who we really are.

You're blaming her, she's blaming you. You can only fix you. Your son is picking up on your sadness, our children learn about emotions from us from the moment of birth, that's the way they begin to navigate the larger world.

So what can you do to manage that sadness?

[Crimson]

Thank you everyone for the kind words. I find myself, once again, in a position where I just need support and encouragement and this place has always been good for me.

GM, I appreciate your post. Sometimes in the face of all that happens you really being to believe you are all of these awful things that are thrown at you by someone. That, I am finding, is one of the things that I wrestle with a lot. When you (or "I", in this case) think about the severity of everything that has happened and the terrible consequences you start to believe that maybe you DID deserve them somehow.....especially after you take the time to own your shortcomings and failures. So just the simple words that I have been "loving" and "patient" through this process almost bring tears to my eyes. So thank you.

Bug, you remain one of my heroes along with many others here. I am doing my best not to let hate overcome me - but in my head I keep having these fantasies of just telling her off very calmly and holding nothing back - with the intent of hurting her. I know I am not the judge, and I know that this is NOT rational - but I don't feel like she deserves to be happy right now....and certainly not happy in a relationship. Again, I know this is neither rational nor kind. And, if I am being honest, I know that the root source is that she is giving the love that I want, and arguably the time with my son that I want to another man.....and there is nothing I can do but sit and deal with it. I feel powerless and exhausted from trying. That, I guess, bleeds into hate and a myriad of other negative feelings.

With regard to my son, even if I just calmly say "we have to go to mom's" without even any sign of emotion he falls apart. Every time. That is what stirs my emotions -- seeing him that sad and hurting. Yes, I am sad that he's leaving me - but I do not become emotional over that. I become emotional when he falls apart, bargains not to go, asks how long he has to stay there, and then starts talking about how much he does not like or want his mother. That makes me emotional - and I am not feeding those attitudes (Although his mother will surely assume that I am). I have tried to make it positive, I have tried to tell him it will be fun, I have tried to tell him that mom needs to see him too, I have told him that mom and I have to share him....nothing works. He is not happy going there - he settles in eventually, but he never wants to go. It breaks my heart....AND it fuels my anger toward X for making this his life. He is innocent and does not deserve it...and she fails to connect her actions to it. I have grown weary of everyone saying "children are resilient". I think that children are resilient because they don't have any other options. They go where they are told, they have no say. So many people end up getting therapy (or just being tilted a bit) because of things that happened to them as children. The developmental years play a role in things. So yes, children are resilient - but not impervious to the effects of hard times, emotional duress and suffering. That is what I have to helplessly watch S go through and try like hell to to make it better for him and sooth what he feels when I have him. It would be great if I had an X that was willing to help in that regard but considering how that would require her stepping up and acknowledging - it is not going to happen. I am on my own. ------ sorry that reads a bit like a rant. Please don't take it that way.

I am really trying to pull out of this nosedive. I have a good friend that has been through something similar and she shares a son with a physically abusive ex. It's been helpful.

Thanks again everyone.

Crimson

[ye21]

Hello Crimson, as you see in what you wrote, you want to save your M , your W and your S, people does things that sometimes in the moment we dont understand and its fine, time will give you responses.
I dont have kids so I am not really in the possition to know how you feel, but I have compassion for you and you as a parent need to underestand something, as much as it hurts and you dont like it, your kid has to go trough this by himself, of course its not an ideal situation but its the actual situation and you have to accept it.
Sometimes we get to involved in the pain or suffering of others, stressing ourselves to find a cure for their pain...well thats not gonna happen in a emotional level, he has to see his world around as something that leads him to change, you have to set the example because in the early years is when kids keep chhosing role models you understand?
Instead of suffering the situation, something that affects your son, validate his feelings and accept them, he has to learn that his choices are valid as well, if he doesn't want to spend time with his mom at this time its fine, its the way he is dealing with this, you cant push him to see this in a different way because you are not helping him like that.
Set yourself as a leader, a pleasure father to be around, one that builds his confidence, if he doesn't want to go to mom, ask him, what would you like to do instead? What is that you would like to do? And do it with him, or take the lead, show him that life has great things.

Now the attitude of your son is basically what he sees in you, you are angry and upset with your W, your son its afraid and new in life so who could he copy right now? Yes, you, thats why he is upset with mom, show him how not to be upset at life and how to have great times with you, thats what your son its choosing now, you...and thats his choice, even if your W doesn't like it.
What happens many times is that we enter a circle of guilty, oh I feel bad I did mistakes in my marriage and that because of that my son feels sad, and the circle keeps spinning, like a mousse in a cage, set yourself free from that and take your son to do things, and very important, talk to him, explain him all this changes even if you think he doesn't understand them, he does on his way but he does, and what a better way to build a relationship with your son than one where he can ask you?

As per your W, she might not see what she is loosing now, but thats not your problem, if she doesn't want to be a "mom" now well thats her choice, she will evenctually fail the consequences, its not your mission to show her that, all you can do its take your life in your hands and take care of yourself, the more you love yourself the more your son will recover, do you know why kids choose actors or movie roles as their image of how to live life? Basically because they are missing that figure of an emotional hero in their life's , you are your own hero, wear your speedos and your happiness mask and go have fun with son, despite what your W does you can do this

[Crimson]

Just updating or journaling or whatever....I realize that this is a major emotional backslide. I'm sorry.

It was pretty much a long hazy-feeling weekend. I was luck enough to have a friend that was kind enough to spend a lot of time with me that has been through a lot of this before, so that was helpful. As I tried to stay out of my own head this weekend I kept finding a mountain of questions that will probably never be answered and that just made things all the more frustrating. I think I cycled between hurt, anger, fear, loneliness and confusion over and over -- it was a lot like the first BD but not as unexpected.

I keep going back to the basic questions again - what, exactly, was so terrible about me that the door had to be slammed for good. Yes, there were things that I needed to learn how to do better, I needed to find a better way to "show up" for her in our M - but I know that I was not some deplorable beast incapable of reason or listening. In fact, most of what we experienced is so typical of couples -- especially ones with new babies. Why was I viewed as so "unsalvageable"?

I find myself wondering why she never even told me that she was unhappy to the point of seeking a D beforehand? It never came up - ever. Had she let me know that that was how she was feeling, or that was how bad off she was I think I would have listened. Tell me that you contacted a L, or you have started the filing process -- I would have listened....and I would have gone for help. I loved her and my son enough to do just about anything to keep us all in tact. I cared. I valued her. I valued my marriage. I would have worked with her to save things.

The other thing that is jabbing a spear through my heart is our son. Not the fact that he hurts too (though that does get to me) but the fact that we were a couple that had to go through three years of infertility and 5 different treatments before we were able to conceive and have a child. During that whole time she told me that she loved me, that she wanted a family with me -- and I believed her. I poured my heart and all of my love and support into her and into our relationship during that process. It was so emotionally difficult that I thought if we could make it through it as a couple it would be a galvanizing experience that would help our relationship. It was like a test. And after we learned she was pregnant we were on cloud 9. Life was great again and we had conquered what was once unthinkable for us. We were going to be parents. I was so in love with her, my life and our unborn baby - I was beside myself. And she, it seemed, was in love with me. The same held true after the baby came.

I am not re-writing history. There were times when we were getting used to being parents where I was a not a good partner. Not out of lack of love, but I was selfish. I didn't know how to give of myself for the greater good of my marriage. I did not know how to serve my wife in the role of "father". Notwithstanding, those 18 months as a family were some of the best of my life. I had never been happier. And when I would tell her how happy I was she would say "Why can't I see it?". I wish I would have seen that question as severe as it really was. Then - she left. I was devastated. The child that we had worked for three years to bring into this world was taken away from me - and I was left as a single dad to an infant. I had no idea what I was doing - all the while trying to keep my head above water from attacks from her lawyer and crippling depression and sadness. What did I do? I wondered that all the time. Why was I so disposable? This was a woman that just 18 month prior said she loved me and wanted a family with me.....was she lying? Did I change dramatically?

On her way out the door she began to say she had been unhappy for 8 years. Why, then, did she say yes when I proposed? If I thought she was miserable I never would have asked her to marry me? Why, then, did she go through the years of physically and emotionally grueling infertility? How does that happen if you are that unhappy?

S told me yesterday that OM came over the play with him and he is "mommy's new best friend"....they all went for ice cream. S mentioned his name and said he is really nice. I look at that and my heart shatters. That was supposed to by my life. That was what she committed to me in marriage and with starting a family. I feel cheated. Lied to. Betrayed. And I feel as though she does all of that without emotion and without consideration of how it impacts (or impacted) me or our S.

She is still in a place where she blames me for things....if S cries during exchanges it's MY fault. If he mentions that she wasn't at a bday party that we went to then she says I TOLD him that she didn't want to be there. Everything is still my fault.

Last week when we saw C together, she dropped the OM bomb on me with a cold, clinical kind of delivery. Just matter-of-fact. There was not emotion in her eyes or face. It was like she was telling a stranger.

I get mad because, selfishly, I look at this trail of wreckage she has left in my life and my son's and now SHE gets to be happy. SHE gets to be in a relationship and find love. I know the world is not fair - but that seems supremely unfair. SHE gets to put another man in front of our S....the child we both longed for for years. Why does she get to be happy? She was willing to go to hell and back to have a baby - but threw in the towel when it was time to work that hard to have a family. Why? Why does she get rewarded for that?

I apologize to all of you for the rant. And I acknowledge that this is a major emotional backslide.....but I just feeling dead on the inside from so much hurt in this....from missing my son....from having her fight for more than equal parenting time...I just feel dead.

Crimson

[7720]

It is not a race, and your time will come. as low as you have been you will be that high when you find someone..and her time will come...too...life is a series of ups and downs for everyone....