my wife left, but still lives with me #3/continued

[tough spot]

Maybe it is just mind reading on my part. Maybe I am over sensitive. I guess it is just when I start to talk she has this look like 'will he ever shut up', or, since she is tense/angry all the time, she speaks to me in what I perceive as a demeaning tone.

[tough spot]

So I got a letter from her lawyer today. I have a hearing on May 6th for 'temporary custody, child support, and parenting time'. This is a shocker. We had discussed coming up with a temporary custodial agreement ourselves, getting it ratified by the courts, and proceeding on with the divorce.

the intent was to allow us to leave the house without the risk of 'abandoning the home' and hence potentially affecting long term custodial agreements. Now I have to go to court? I am going to have to talk to her about this tonight/tomorrow and ask why the change.

This has me highly concerned (understatement big time). I just can't figure out how a parent can think it is best for the children/right/fair to not split custody equally. There are no anger issues here, there is no drug abuse here, she knows/admits/has stated that I am a good father.

She must think they are better off with her? But why? I do not know and this is putting me really close to freaking out.

[unbidden]

Mothers always think the kids are better off with them, it's just how women think. They are maternal. I can say this because I'm a woman .....

[tough spot]

So she thinks I am a good father but she is a better mother and doesn't think 50/50 is in the best interests of the kids. Man does that hurt. I am in a panic as I think she qualifies more as the 'primary care giver' than I do and I will lose when it goes to court.

Haven't talked to my lawyer about it yet but I think that is the way it will go. I can forgive/accept the lack of wanting to work on the marriage, I can forgive/accept the financial ruin this divorce will cause, I don't think I will be able to accept the intention to keep the kids from me.

AAARRRgggghhhh. I am so screwed here. I think those are her real feelings, that she thinks the kids will be better off spending more time with her and custody not being equal. I just don't know. She says we need to come up with something we can agree on before the trial date of may 6th. I think db'ing is over as I don't see how any reconciliation can come after such a divisive issue as child custody.

[ericmsant2]

Tough

I have a hearing on May 6th for 'temporary custody, child support, and parenting time'. This is a shocker. We had discussed coming up with a temporary custodial agreement ourselves, getting it ratified by the courts, and proceeding on with the divorce.

Sorry to hear that dude. Now that she has taken this path, I think you need to go dark. No more conversations.

I am going to have to talk to her about this tonight/tomorrow and ask why the change.

I would not talk to her about it. Why? She has already spoken via the letter your received from the court.

So she thinks I am a good father but she is a better mother and doesn't think 50/50 is in the best interests of the kids. Man does that hurt.

She can think all she wants. What matter is what a judge will say. Most states are now coming around and 50/50 is become much more of the standard.

I am in a panic as I think she qualifies more as the 'primary care giver' than I do and I will lose when it goes to court.

First off, don’t panic. Why do you think she qualifies more as the primary care giver? If you keep saying you are going to lose, then chances are you will. DB101 – Stay Positive!

Haven't talked to my lawyer about it yet but I think that is the way it will go.

WTF are you waiting for? Get on the phone with your L.

AAARRRgggghhhh. I am so screwed here. I think those are her real feelings, that she thinks the kids will be better off spending more time with her and custody not being equal. I just don't know. She says we need to come up with something we can agree on before the trial date of may 6th. I think db'ing is over as I don't see how any reconciliation can come after such a divisive issue as child custody.

They may be her real feeling but she does not get to decide who the kids stay with. If the two you cannot agree then it is judge. As for db’ing…right now you need to resolve the parenting sitch first.

Do you have a plan that you can present? If so, what is it?

[tough spot]

So we talked yesterday and she said that stuff about 50/50 not 'being in the best interests of the children and that we need to come up with something prior to the hearing'. So today I email her an option of every weekend Friday-Monday am, one week xmas break, 3 weeks during the summer. That gets overnights to 184, or 50/50.

She counters with every other weekend and Wed night. I respond with Sunday 8am through Wed am drop off to school, same breaks, equals 184, or 50/50. She responds with 'well I don't hate that, let me think about it'.

So I don't know what she is thinking. I sent the newest paperwork to my lawyer this morning. I only officially hired him last Friday so he isn't up to speed, but I will give a call tomorrow if he doesn't call first.

I have been keeping a log of activities I have done with the kids these last three months....when I made dinner, picked them up from school, took them to the park, made snack, read them a book, played with legos etc. I have definitely been involved enough to warrant more consideration than every other weekend, if left to a judge. However I think she has a slight edge on me with the taking them to school/being involved with conferences etc.

That is why I want an agreement prior to entering the courtroom. I have to wait on input from the attorney on how best to go about that or figuring out what my chances would be in a courtroom.

9 year old asked her this morning if we are getting a divorce. So she had to answer some questions for her and the 6 year old but I had already left for work. I picked them up this morning and they have already been asking me questions about it. Sigh...almost cried while talking but held it together for their sake.

I am not a fan of how they reiterated my wife's thoughts, like 'we are more comfortable with mom taking us to school because that is what we are used to' and 'dad, you are more of the weekend guy'. Sometimes during these kinds of cases, aren't the children asked questions? I don't like the idea of her planting the 'correct' answers in their head.

Thanks for the pep talk, I needed it. I will have a better grasp on things after I talk to L tomorrow. Just hope I can afford the proper defense against this type action!

[MrBond]

Hope things go well. Stop giving in to her. She's controlling you totally right now.

[ericmsant2]

I respond with Sunday 8am through Wed am drop off to school, same breaks, equals 184, or 50/50.

Can you really do this? What are you going to do if they need to miss school? What about school closings?

However I think she has a slight edge on me with the taking them to school/being involved with conferences etc.

Stop thinking of it in terms of “edge” and start thinking of it in terms of what is best for them.

Being a 50/50 parent is not easy buddy. You need to be prepared to answer questions like…what will you do if they are sick, what about parent teacher conferences, etc. So please have your ducks in a row.

Based on your post you seem to be operating in fear. Stop it.

Contact your attny and find out what they suggest are the next steps.

Find out what your attny feels are the best chances for you to secure what you want.

I am not a fan of how they reiterated my wife's thoughts, like 'we are more comfortable with mom taking us to school because that is what we are used to' and 'dad, you are more of the weekend guy'. Sometimes during these kinds of cases, aren't the children asked questions? I don't like the idea of her planting the 'correct' answers in their head.

Bottom line, the dynamics in the family have changed. When you and your w were together it may have made sense for her to take the kids to school. Now it does not. As for the kids asking questions, it is normal. You need to assure them that this is not their fault and that, they you and their mom will figure out what is best for them. Reiterate that neither of you are leaving them. As for what your W may be saying to them…I hear you loud and clear – there is nothing you can do about it.

Keep me posted on what the attny says.

[tough spot]

I can handle taking the kids to school. I am a manager with a somewhat flexible schedule. Already talked to my manager about him potentially writing a letter stating the flexibility in my schedule in case it were to come up in court. All though, perhaps it would be as in the past where we took turns taking days off as/when the kids were sick.

I am operating somewhat in fear. I am literally in the position so far of only being able to respond to what my wife does, not take the initiative. I mean, we can talk about what our plans are but whatever trust was there is long since gone so it almost is worthless.

I do plan on sending her a brief email to please watch what she does say around the children. She knows better than that. It is almost the beginning of using the children as a weapon. And that cannot happen.

I am looking forward to stepping up to even more involvement in my children's lives. At least in different aspects than what has gone before. Sure, I would be lying if I said it had absolutely nothing to do with finances or 'getting one over on her'....but their welfare is foremost in my mind. The other two things are just a bonus

Will advise on the attorney information tomorrow.

Thanks again. And Mr.Bond, if you see glaring examples of my wife's controlling behavior, please point them out.

[tough spot]

what do you guys think about this email?


-------

So I picked up the kids from school tonight.....got home...3 minutes later questions about the divorce came up. If you could, I would please ask that you consider how/what you speak to them about. Carson said 'yes, we would probably want mom to have the extra day because we are used to her taking us to school' and Chance said 'yes, you are more of the weekend guy dad'.



So by saying those things to them, you are somewhat setting their opinions for them and it may make things more difficult. This one seems rather innocuous, but with the possibility of someone from the court system asking their opinion on matters, it seems a bit on the sketchy side. My opinion about the custody of the children is based solely on what I think is in their best interests as I am sure your opinion originates from the same. I will make every effort not to 'taint' their view one way or the other and would appreciate the same courtesy.