3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Yes, I have lived on my own, for like 8 years without roommates before meeting and marrying h. It was difficult to get used to living with someone at first BC he smothered me. I was very much a loner when I met him. I had lost trust for all men. I also had a fiancée that had died. My h was able to break thru barrier and get me trust him. Now I feel like a fool BC he is exactly the person I NEVER wanted to marry, like all the rest of men. Ugh.
I feel horrible that what he has resented his birth mom for doing for years, he is doing to our girls. Leaving them. His birth mom did not have a choice, as dad said, you will not take kids and there was a fight involving a gun. I never believe a bad childhood could destroy adulthood until I met h. Part of him has always been broken. The only help he would respond to is talking to me, which was great, but I could not help him heal like a professional. First step mom was also very abusive and sexual abuse from step siblings.
I have slowly started to gal, which is centered around my kids. I make fun plans for us to get out of house. Now they think I am the fun one, not daddy, which breaks my heart. He still is a great dad, but his late nights with ow screw with our kids times. H just wants to nap instead of play. He does not know what to do with them other than bike and watch movies. So they are getting bored of it real quick.
He was quite the chatty Kathy tonight. I just responded with nodding head or saying ok, or something affirmative to show I was listening. Truly I was not in mood to talk. I am wondering why he did not go to ow home. I bet he gets up for a Kate night chat with her.grrr. At least he talked more and felt more at ease with me not saying much. He quizzed me about hitting punching bag, I just said I do it often. I did not want to explain again I am upset about my friends terminal illness. H was a jerk when I told him earlier. So, with him being nice tonight, I was wondering what he is up to. Sad but I do nit trust anymore.
Tomorrow girls and I are eating dinner with friend. H will be upset BC he expects us home at dinner to talk to girls and if he talks to me be rude. Also, he does not trust me and will quiz me about it and then accuse me if affair. He tends to sabotage after every therapy session I have and every time girls and I have fun.
Still cannot sleep. Need to get up for work in three hours...yuck!!!
"I missed why you thought it was important to know that h felt like I abandoned him?"
It's important because due to your illness and your attention to the kids, he might have felt empty and lonely. I'm sure he didn't tell you because he probably felt guilty about bringing it up since you didn't have any control over your illness and he can't say anything about the kids since it would make him seem selfish in wanting your time over the kids. I would say for the majority of marriages, the lack of attention that a W gives her H because she gives that attention to the kids is a big problem.
Sometimes when a man complains or tries to talk to their spouse about it, the W acts as if the H is being selfish or thinks that he's trying to get her to choose between him or their children. That's not the point at all. The W needs to understand that she has to find that balance between being a mother and being a wife. The same way a man has to balance between being a father and husband.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I figured out that after the fact. H said I was putting him last, but now I realize I was putting myself last. Considering he feels like I abandoned him, is there anything I can do now? I hate completely ignoring him or going dark - since that was his complaint. I don't know. It is so hard because his mind is swiss cheese lately. So do I do anything different now?
Right now you can't do anything to force him to come back. You say that you've changed. Keep showing him those changes rather than talking to him about them. Continue to be a good mom and when he opens up (even if it's just to vent), listen and validate. Validate his feelings and not the actions.
It does take time. But time is on your side. Just take things one day at a time.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Have you really been dealing with this is 2008? I feel like I am in a washing machine spinning around and the door is opened sometimes and the spinning stops, but then it starts again. I am hoping the clothes get clean soon...lol
All I know is this forum and the other one I belong to have been very helpful. I feel more calm and less scrambling. It is nice to have a place to vent.
I find it hard to talk to him when he is nice, as I think there is a motive to his madness. Everytime he has been nice it is to pump me for info for who I have talked to. So I need to work on smiling and validating what he says and not judging or just nodding head coldly. I have a hard time not being cold and a bitch to him - not my normal attitude, but am frustrated.
tld-I just read through your posts today. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am so sorry any of us have to feel this pain. I am appoaching the 1 year mark since BD and my H is more distant now than ever. He is deeper in the tunnel so to speak.
I spent months thinking the fall of my M was all my fault. And I did contribute my part, but this is an unreasonable response to normal marriage ups and downs. Between that and the fact that my H has nearly abandoned his kids, almost lost his job, and has become the mirror image of his former self all led the conclusion of MLC.
After all that I still wallowed and cried and felt sorry for myself. I wanted to (and still want to) control things. Nearly one year into this, I have accepted my reality and have worked on everything in my control....ME.
My relationships with my kids, family, friends, and God have strengthened. I am working out again and fostering new and old hobbies. I have decided to stand for my M and forgive my H. I have finally let go of much of the anger I was holding onto for months. I NEVER thought I would get to this point and now realize that if I've gotten here, I know I can go even further and become stronger and happier than ever.
My goal is to slowly rebuild a friendship with my H. The details of that goal (the measureable parts) are much smaller and those will be the little things that I work for and celebrate.
Long story short, I know you will get to a better place with less worry, anxiety, and pain. Unfortunately, we have to earn those stripes and it hurts. Keep going tld-you can do this.
Some really good advice I have gotten from these fine folks on this forum:
Show your kids how to persevere in tough times
Fake it till you make it
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
Thanks for the encouragement. This formum and the other one I go to are so helpful. I had no idea how many people are going thru this craziness.
My regular percently is very much hermit like. I am a home body and do not let people in. Well this last month the kids and I have been going and doing and having a ball. It is very hard every time to walk out the door, but I feel better coming home. H works opposite shift, so I don't even have to ask him to go. But he usually turns into monster when he finds out we did something. I think it is weird that he can go and play without any of us, but I take the girls out for fun and he is upset. It is like he wants me to sit at home and pine over him. He called tonight while we were out, and yelled, I am sure he will only be worse by the time he gets home. I knew he would get mad.
My parents are trying to move here to help out with the kids. They want me to file, but understand I am not ready. It will be nice to have them so close. H is feeling threatened by it. Not sure what to say to him about it.
Blue my H is distant to. No hugs, kisses, when he passes me in kitchen he goes out of his way not to get close to me. I stopped asking for hugs, as they sucked anyhow. He has been in seperate bedroom for 4 months. He still tries fake sleep walking to be intimate, but I just say no and walk him back to his room. I don't trust that he has protected himself and don't want a STD.
I wish you luck with your H and hope that he wakes up soon. It is sad when the kids are affected. My kids really don't know yet. They think daddy is in a different room because I am sick. Never in a million years did I see my conservative religious husband go complete opposite and in such a short time.
