5 months of heck...ugh

[bluesgal]

tld-Just say what you did, walk away. If he follows you, you can always grab the kids and go grab a couple of groceries or go to the park. Show him that if he treats you that way, you'll leave. You can bring the kids with if you need to. No need to alarm them. "Oops, I forgot we need some milk/bread/whatever, come on guys, lets run to the store together. Then leave. That simple. You don't have to bring up OW.

It might take some time, but tld you need to find your strength and you will. And when you do, you'll feel powerful and less out of control and your life will change within this sitch.

[scooby]

Mr Bond-

Thanks it is time for me to practice wonder woman stance. It is amazing how powerful you feel after doing it for 2 minutes. Thanks for the ideas and support.

Takevowserious-

Yes husband has always been about intimidation. I did not see it until I started detaching, but now realize it has been there the whole time I really want to tell on them at work as they are doing dumb stuff and it is endangering lives - very not cool With the high morals I have it is hard to stand back. They work evening shift, so it is unlikely they will be caught...ugh. Thanks for the advice

Bluesgal-

Thanks for the idea. However when we fight I am usually on my own. He gets home from work at 11pm (if he does not hang with OW.) Last night he got home at 3am and woke me up to be a pain. So I can't wake kids in middle of night to retreat. I do have family that hopefully is moving down the street, so that will help. Thanks for the advice.

Everyone-

It is so hard to watch him carry on with OW and say they are just friends. He is over there every morning while I'm at work and kids are in school. Then at work with her 3 to 4 days a week. Then they hang out after work on talk on phone until 2 to 4 am. I don't say anything, bc there is no point - they are just friends right - ugh I do not have idiot written across my face. H is pursuing her hard just like he did me before we got married. He says he wants a divorce when work thing is figured out and I believe him. He has MLC, depression, and showing signs of bipolar Sometimes I feel like giving up, but the look at Ds 7 and 5 and cannot. He started us down this road, if he wants a divorce he can do it. In the meantime he is taking financial risks - $4000 for lawyer for work and then $300 tattoo, that is butt ugly. I feel so bad bc he is gunning for one of my friends at his work, and she has no idea. I wondering what he has left to do on his MLC bucket list. He has done - swearing, drinking, smoking, tattoo, porn, ea and pa, lying - what is left? I am starting to detach a little from his life with OW (he says it is his life and kids not for me to enter - right the girls are with him when he is at her house drinking in middle of night - what a dumb A.) The problem is that when I detach and he wants to have a conversation I am a royal bitch instead of nice. I cannot seem to flip it both ways. Did anyone have problems with this?

I actually am looking for some free lawyer advice about this whole work issue. The only lawyers I have seen or know or family law not employment. I want to know what I am up against, and if I need to file to protect kids and I financially. Anyone here a lawyer?

This is such a crazy soap opera mixed with a game of chess that sometimes I have to laugh. The other night when I caught him watching porn I busted up laughing and could not stop, it felt good. H did not know how to respond.

Does this really last 2 to 7 years? Those that are past a year - how in the world do you do it?

[LiveNow]

tld -- I've found we HAVE to maintain a sense of humor about all of this. It's a really good way to deal with it. And someday, we'll look back on it all and have a good, long belly laugh. This board makes me laugh daily. (So does my MLC H, these days, though it took a while for me to get to where I could laugh about it.) It really helps. Hang in there, and I'm sorry I don't have any lawyerly advice for you...

[scooby]

Thanks Live now-

I never thought I would laugh about H watching porn, but I thought that he had done the worst, and I was wrong. LOL I also thought his PA with OW must not be satisfying enough. H was embarrassed that I caught him watching porn and stumped as to why I would laugh. I do have a sarcastic funny sense of humor.

I have been journaling since the beginning and am thinking I may have a best seller...LOL. No one would believe it is a true story though - too crazy to be real.

I am so thankful I have found the 2 forums that I am currently on. My family and friends just do not understand, but they try to be supportive. Honestly if I were them, I would tell them to stop and file too. I am just not a quitter and never have been. I told H the last time he said he wanted a divorce that it is just a piece of paper and does not mean anything to me. It made him upset - and he did not know how to respond.

Now I am stumped because H has been being super nice to me - except last night in the middle of the night. For the last 4 months when he is nice, it means he is up to something. It is so bad that I do not trust him. Maybe it is that I am finally branching out and GAL. He does not like the losing control of me doing what I want. All my GAL involves my kids. All his GAL involves his bottom feeder friends and drinking, while I am the babysitter at home. I don't mind because I am a great mom. H even says you are great mom and a very nice person, that is what makes it so hard. What a maroon!

Hope everyone is doing well, and find something to laugh about. It does make you feel better!

[Georgiabelle]

TLD,

A sense of humor is imperative. My h says I ruined his life. When I met him tonight, ( I know this isn't DB friendly ) I reminded him after he said something that he said he would be dead at 50. He always said he was going to die before 50. Now he says, that he never said that. Only said that if he stayed with me. I said," Great! I guess you will live to be 100:)"

Hang in there.

[Takevowsserious]

Yep, keep that sense of humor, it will get you through a lot

I work for the same company as my h and ow, but at a different location. So, I do hear things through the grapevine...
Affair partners can be so wrapped up in each other and their drama, they really don't see how obvious they are. They think they are so slick! But people know, and don't approve.

They are the ones that have to deal with people thinking less of them - a loss of respect from their peers - a tarnished personal and professional reputation. All by their own doing...

Yes, I would be skeptical if he's being too nice - could mean he's up to something. Be pleasant and nice, but keep your guard up.

I know detaching is hard, but GAL really is the key. Try getting a sitter to do some things kid-free. It doesn't have to be anything major... Go to dinner with a friend, see a movie, take a walk, whatever. You deserve some time to relax and recharge your batteries too.

If the intimidation has been in your M for awhile, maybe that's a 180 for you - standing up for yourself, but not get sucked into a confrontation. You can do it. It will be hard at first, but don't give up.

You asked about how long this lasts. It does seem to take years for if/when they make it through. But I think that 2-7 years timeline includes the denial and anger phases, which could have been going on long before you got bombed.

I know it seems overwhelming to think of it in terms of years. Instead, try making short term goals for yourself. I remember being so happy to get to a new month. Plan fun things to do so you have something to look forward to. Make special occasions really nice for your kids, plan things with friends and family.

Time goes faster when we're not focused on them

[scooby]

Georgaibelle-

Thanks for the good laugh. Somedays all I can do is laugh because my life has turned so crazy. This always makes me laugh when I am feeling down.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwqA5UeREKc

[scooby]

Takevowsserious-

I am sorry that you work at the same company, at least it is a different location. Can they be fired for their affair?

I have not figured out why he is being so nice. He actually talked to me when he called the girls tonight. That has happened like 3 times in 6 months. Maybe he feels guilty for monstering in the middle of the night - but I think there is more to it. Last time he was nice, he watched a movie with me only to pump me for information after. UGH! I must have I am a dumb sh...t written on my head...NOT! This was his first trouble at work, he wanted to know who I talked to as I have friends at his work as well.

I will have opportunity to have GAL with friends soon. I have family moving to town that can watch the kids. I have to be very careful what I do as H has mentioned he is gathering evidence on me. I have done nothing, but considering he lies like a rug - no telling what he is going to do.

Good idea on the 180. I never thought about standing up for myself. I will probably have to say something, and then leave the room, as he has a short temper.

I cannot believe 2 to 7 years is the norm. I will be ancient before he recovers....UGH! I am not sure how long he was in MLC before BD. He has issues with depression so it is hard to decipher exactly. I know it was at least 4 months before. Actually when I think of it these 6 months have been painful, but have gone by fast. Wish I could get a crystal ball and skip 7 years and be done with this insaneness.

Thanks for all your help!

[scooby]

ha Ha! H just texted me asking if I am having a affair. Looks like he is projecting his guilt. What a dumb sh$$t!

[job]

It could be that you have been doing something different and he's trying to figure out why. The first thing that popped into his head is that you must be having an affair and yes, he's projecting a bit.

You may want to do a search and locate HRM134's postings. Her h never left home and she did an excellent job of living in the home w/him. Now mind you, he drove her a bit nuts, but the last time she posted, they were finally communicating better and things were moving along nicely.