she is now taking the kids a few nights a week. This is actually serving two purposes. It gives me a chance to GAL.
which are both good for you, and raining reality on her. And all this after a meeting last week which cleared the air between you. How is this not positive change?
Second thing:
Quote:
The challenge for me now is to induceproject the financial reality that will also occur without appearing to, or beingcontrolling.
"project" sounds like a very carefully chosen verb. What exactly to you mean to do?
I guess sometimes it's good to sit back and think about what progress is actually measured in. Thanks for pointing that out.
One of the things I realize I did in the past was control our finances. We had zero debt, and were in a great position with our mortgage. Obviously with L advice to not change the financial situation, and her now maintaining a different residence for the near short term, out financial situation has changed. We also just received our tax bills. Normally a dividend from my company would help out with all this. However, my L and accountant have advised against this given my situation, and I will not be doing that following their advice
My W asked if a company dividend would be taking care of the debt. I explained that given the situation, it was not appropriate. Nothing else has changed except for our debt.
In a long winded way, I guess by projecting I am trying to show her what the financial ramifications will be, without changing anything. Dividends are only taken every few years, so that won't be a problem.
Trying to paint a picture of the financial future, without implementing it is my goal. And really, I think I am still being controlling then.
Clearly that is a realization she will need to come to on her own, without my direct or indirect help. This controlling thing, bad habit
OK. as long as you're not turning the screws -- just wanted to make sure you weren't punishing.
There's nothing wrong with presenting the facts. You're maintaining two residences now. That's going to hurt, and you didn't cause it. Not a good reason to stay together, but D brings a decline in standard of living, no way around it.
If you can protect your dividend by electing not to take it now, that's the right thing to do.
Agree. And the more I think about it, I'm not going to say anything. It's obvious, I know she feels it and sees it. I don't need to say anything. It's not the reason to stay together either
So tonight after I've put the kids to sleep, I get a text from W
It says, "Sorry, I feel asleep on the couch here and didn't call the kids. I hope that if the kids wanted to say good night that you would let me know"
When I actually noticed the text, and when I was able to, I responded with "Of course I would. To be honest we were outside from 4-7 and they really fell asleep easily and quickly". This is the truth. We had a blast outside, which was fun for them and me.
Then the surprise text:
"Ok. Well I remembered tonight that one of the reasons I stay so busy is because I get so depressed when I have time to think"
" How are you?"
When I saw it, I responded after awhile with
"I'm doing ok thanks. Played and cleaned the yard with the kids. Tidy yard makes me happy. Agree sometimes easier to be busy. Maybe try a walk?"
Anyways, she went on to discuss that she was staying in tonight , to which I didn't respond as I was out. Later we texted tomorrow's schedule.
Surprised me she said what she did, about actually thinking about things making her depressed. Early on in my sitch, I'd told her the OM was preventing her from actually thinking about what was going on. This of course was Devaste the controller and punisher at that time. I know I've changed, because punisher Devaste would have jumped all over that comment, saying how great I was doing, everything was just fantastic, a regular PMA explosion, but I've learned. I do things that she can see, rather than say much, as often as I can.
I don't discuss this topic with her anymore at all, and I'm trying to not interpret it as anything, but it was an interesting comment from her. I tried to validate her feelings, but stay as neutral as positive. Not be cold or mean, but not rescue her as I used to all the time
So after reflecting on how upset my W was this AM when we transferred kids, I realize that really, I should infer absolutely nothing from anything she says, and pay more attention to her actions. She wasn't happy this AM, but I have no idea what it was about, not going to guess, and not going to ask unless it's appropriate and in context.
Not sure how I missed your post. Sorry about that.
The boundaries that I have set revolve around everything except finances.
My L has advised me to not change those for the near term
Essentially I set the boundaries as follows:
1) No contact except related to the kids or emergencies. This one can be tough, but as much as I am able, I do not respond to texts unless they have a purpose 2) No physical touch, she used to hug me good bye at first 3) No friendship is or will be possible while there is OM involved 4) No relationship discussions, even if she brings it up 5) And for myself, continue to detach, don't snoop, and minimize mind reading 6) My house is now my house, hers is hers, and I asked her to respect that we now live in two separate homes. I.e. Not coming over when I am out etc
It's tough sometimes, and backsliding does occur. But the biggest thing for me is I have realized that the longer this goes, I am getting stronger, and I can manage on my own. I am becoming less reactive to her actions and more proactive. The ironic part is, I'm probably more of the person she wanted before, just too late.
It's definitely a challenge. This doesn't mean I am rude to her or treat her badly in any way. I just try to acknowledge her complaints when she makes them, and continue to work on changing myself
I realize I needed to be a much better listener when we were M, so when I am afforded the chance, I do listen and validate
What boundaries have you set? I think it's a good question for everyone
Not too much to update. Trying to do more of the same. Had a FT meeting this past week. My W arrived a few minutes late, broke down, and I had to leave for the first 20 minutes while the FT worked with her. It was frustrating. Then most of the session was spent on her, and then the FT offered her an opinion that she really needs to take ownership of her part in the failure of our M. I was surprised a bit, because these meetings are more about schedule than anything else. She told W that she is worried she hasn't accepted responsibility for her part in the destruction of our M, and her issues will continue to follow her around until she does. Doesn't want her to regret the decisions she has made from her blame state.
The whole process made me realize really how much my W needs work herself. Afterwards it wasn't discussed in any way. I didn't bring it up at all. And I won't. We are splitting the kids a bit more now, which really helps me with GAL
Once again a window was left open on my computer that showed DM Sexting. It doesn't bother me anymore like it used to. However, my issue is that there was an element left on with an oven mitt on top of it. She was at the house to pack up my younger two while I went to older BB practice. She was there for 15 min, my nanny left, and then W left to pick up S8 from practice to go to her place. I went straight home to get ready to GAL
When I got home, flames were flying up toward the stove fan. If I had been a few minutes delayed, the house may have caught fire. Clearly she was distracted. One of my boundaries is no cell phone/texting in the house around the kids. Clearly this was violated. Of course I know this from the window on the computer. Just not sure if I should make a big deal of this or not. The Sexting is not my concern. Probably my first plan of action is password protection for the computer, at least that solves that issue
My concern is not paying attention to my young kids when under her care, and not adhering to my boundary. I need to figure or a way to approach this subject completely from that perspective. I don't like my boundary not being respected.
As per usual, I am now getting text messages this AM regarding my S8, how he is unmanageable, and she is incapable of parenting him. I worry about him getting hurt by her, and I'm not really sure how to respond when I receive these messages. Last two Saturdays, after she has had the kids overnight it's the same thing. I think she doesn't realize how upset he is about what is going on. She doesn't want to see that. My son is very perceptive (no idea where he got that from ) He knows what is going on.
I've almost got the smokey smells out of my house. So thankful nothing else happened. Appreciate the small things in life sometimes
So today, must just be one of those days, because I'm fighting the urge to expose my W and the OM online. Occasionally seeing their online social media interactions makes me frustrated. To me it's so obvious what's going on, but I guess that's because I live with it.
I won't do it, but it's tempting. It may put some stress on their relationship, which is what I guess my ultimate goal would be, and it would embarrass my W incredibly. But no one comes out for the better in that scenario, and really it's pointless as this point. But so tempting. I know better, for right now......
