Have I any hope...?

[bashy]

Arrived to my former home this morning to collect my daughter for horse riding lesson. WAW was her courteous self of recent times - asking how I was, was I looking forward to a holiday I have booked with a friend for this weekend, would I like a cup of tea, among other things.
I was positive in my responses, ensured she asked questions and started conversations and I didn't interrupt but looked at her when she was talking to me, listening intently.
It was actually nice for me not to interrupt and give my opinions on her worries about work. I just made sure I listened.
Fingers crossed I am proving to her very slowly that I am changing for myself and that she likes these changes.

[bashy]

Further progress? It's he middle of the night here and the WAW has rang me at work to say there is a large spider in the bedroom and she needs some courage to kill it!
I tried to reassure her but played as cool as I could.
Surely someone who doesn't love you any more doesn't telephone in the middle of the night? Why not wake her brother or dad?
Thoughts?

[bashy]

It seems I am constantly posting these past few hours.
So I contacted my wife to say if she wanted I could stay tomorrow night (on sofa) as I have a night off. Peace of mind for her because she really is THAT scared of spiders. I said I could get the house sorted for our planned sale ie painting, clearing out rubbish etc. She replied: "Yes please!".
I said I would look for the spider in the morning and if I catch it I'll just stay in my own place but she replied "no need. It means you dont have to be travelling up and down" for daughter.
So how should I approach staying over? Am I wrong for offering? Help please!! LOL

[hrthrt9]

Completely wrong for offering. You want to come over to stay on the sofa? Have some boundaries, and some self-respect. She says "jump", you say "how high?" She smiles and says, "I got him right where I want him."
Tell her you're sorry you can't stay over, you have other plans.

[woundedfool]

As mentioned, welcome!

Just wish my WAW could read it!

Just FYI, Remember DB/DR is for you, and helping you. Don't share it with her.

Have you seen a counselor? Individual or as a couple?

[bashy]

Jeez. Do I sound that bad huh? And I thought I was doing well by not contacting first on phone. Being more confident etc

[bashy]

Hi wounded. Thanks for the response. We talked counselling but she just thought if she "loved me, but wasn't in love with me" there was no point. I didn't argue. Didn't want to get needy etc.
As for the book. I know it is for me alone. My point was that there are so many elements in it that I think she could learn from.

[25yearsmlc]

it's not your job to teach HER what to think or how to act, but to show change on YOUR end.

She won't return to the marriage unless she believes the marriage can be better/different than before. YOU have to demonstrate that change, and make no mistake, she is watching.

Next time she calls about a spider, you can validate the fact that they are gross or scary and you "get it" but don't offer to go over. IF She asks you to come over, I'd probably do it a time or two b/c I think it's a reason FOR a man in your life. Meaning, the protective function of having a man around, is really very nice.

But the offer from you was a bit much, especially since you then relegated yourself to a Sherpa role with "I'll sleep on the couch..." (why not let Her sleep there so YOU can "hunt" for the spider?...semi joking here)

You're expecting way too much too soon. Focus ONLY On your changes and NOT on her reactions.

The "secret" here is to change for YOU b/c you want to be a better man...become a man only a fool would leave.

And being a great attentive father is very attractive, and it's necessary too. So be the best dad you can be...(without watching to see your wife's reaction)

and give this a lot more time. A whole lot more time. Remember,

small consistent changes + sufficient time = change she can believe in...

[bashy]

Thank you. The sort of response I was looking for ie someone to tell me where I am going right or wrong.
She definitely knows I'm an attentive dad. She told me this when splitting with me... that I was a great husband and dad. But she obviously wants/needs more.
If I do stay tonight (and I'm obviously going against your good advice if I do) I want her to the see the changes I have made. And I want to reiterate that I have made changes for ME.

[woundedfool]

Hi wounded. Thanks for the response. We talked counselling but she just thought if she "loved me, but wasn't in love with me" there was no point. I didn't argue. Didn't want to get needy etc.
As for the book. I know it is for me alone. My point was that there are so many elements in it that I think she could learn from.

But have YOU seen a counselor?