You know-- I understand this feeling. It hurts your pride, maybe, that this was not your choice and that no matter how great you are, she doesn't want you. That is one way to look at it.
But there is another way to look at it. Maybe she is not all that great. Maybe you deserve someone better. You'll never get the satisfaction or "triumph" over her. But-- you might just end up with a really awesome happy life, a partner who deserves you, etc... if you can take a breath and let her go. Say good riddance. It may be the hardest and best thing you'll ever do.
You wrote in response to Gineen (gabbysmom) several posts way back: GM, I know that she is not deliberately seeking to take punches at me - she is just living her life. I think I am just sensitive that that life is still without me
YOU alone are the real source of your own pain. Not XW. It is all on you because of HOW you choose to react to your own sitch. It is all self-inflicted. Let...it....go!
I didn't allow her to do it....I went to file and my returns were rejected because she had already claimed him.
That was score-keeping and I am sorry. Trust me, I do not spout that stuff off to others ever. I did do all of those things, but I did them willingly (not the tax thing). I was just venting. I posted while angry....that is not typically where I am.
Argh. I'm sure someone else has also said this, but I was not telling you to be a good dad "for her". OMG I was commending that you are finally just going to BE and not BE for her reaction.
A good dad shares his kid with his kid's mom. That means sending photos and such, is just plain good for the kid. Not good for the kid for the mom. Just good for the kid.
You might be too filled with resentment to do that for now, and that's fine, but it is giving up something nice you can do for your kid, to protect your heart. No shame in that, but you have it in you to get over this. You seemed to be taking a step in that direction by trying to take your focus off your W's reactions and responses. Just do the right thing.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thank you for dropping in, Wonka. I can assure you that I do not make the things that I discuss here the "lead story" for my life when I talk to others....strangers in particular. there are a few close friends and co-workers that have been sounding boards for me, but I am not the guy wearing the "ask me about my ex-wife" button at the party.
As for score keeping, 25 talked me out of that a looooong time ago by saying "I assure you your W is keeping her own score...and you are not winning". That was enough for me. I think I just spouted off all of those things out of frustration. Looking back on my threads it is clear that I most certainly have issues....I don't want to add score-keeping to the list. Not that it is an excuse, I was just angry at the time when I was posting. As noted, I own the fact that I did all of those things....no one made me....I chose to (again, except for the tax stuff). And I chose to do them because I wanted her to see me in a better light - many of them I haven't even mentioned to her....most of them, actually. No, I did those things willingly - foolishly - but willingly and I own them.
We all get frustrated at times. To me, it seems that you are frustrated pretty frequently with a lot of things that XW does or doesn't do. Why not trying to adopt a more magnanimous attitude toward her? You'd be surprised.
Let it all wash over you. Shrug your shoulders and go about your OWN business.
One of the things that really helped me in the initial stages of DBing when I first got here was the statement that relationships are made of two people. If one of those people changes, for better or for worse, the relationship changes by definition. This was tied to the notion that no matter what I thought W's problems were at the time (hormones, depression, unresolved childhood issues, etc.) that it didn't matter. I could not do a thing to change or fix any of it. I could only work on me and fix not just what I thought was wrong, but what she had pointed out when she dropped B.
Those two thoughts were the inspiration for me taking responsibility for my side of the railroad tracks and ultimately improving myself as a person and a spouse. I don't regret that one iota. I changed myself and hoped that it would ultimately change our R over time. Maybe in some respects it did -- she DID move back for awhile. But I think that while I was busy trying to fix myself and change - she was not particularly doing the same. She had suffered, she had almost dropped below 100 pounds, but I don't think she confronted much or owned much - that still remains evident.
Without work on her part, regardless of what I do/did, nothing was ever going to resolve. I don't say this as a knock at all, but back when we were doing C some time ago whenever the spotlight turned to her and her "stuff" she wanted to stop going. In my journey I have learned that facing your own ugliness is painful. I did not want to own being a right-fighter, or selfish, or a hands-off dad, or a neat-freak, or judgmental, or inflexible, or insensitive....or a lot of other things. But they were all there - not seen by me, but seen by others - especially my XW. But owning them was l liberating. I could admit to all of those things, trace my actions to all of them, be ashamed, and fix them. Ultimately making myself a better man, I think. But also making me appreciate my old like as husband and father. I am not speaking ill of her, but I don't think she has arrived there yet.
One of my favorite quotes is "when suffering becomes more painful than change, you will change". I got to that point, and I changed. I know that she has suffered, I know this -- but I am not sure if she has hit the low point that I did. I am not framing it as a contest - but I don't know if the motivation has been there for her yet. Not to say that if it WAS the outcome at this point would be any different.
I guess I say all of that to say that as much as I am mourning my M, the lost time with my S and the future I wanted with my family - I am also mourning hope. Hope for a turnaround helped keep me positive. And I feel like that hope is pretty much evaporated.
Know what's funny? The only thing...ONLY thing, that has changed in the last month is the appearance of OM and learning that he is meeting my S. Nothing else has changed. Clearly that alone was enough to put out the candle I think I was still burning. But it also says I was clueless.
Probably said this before, but I had a good friend tell me last week that maybe God is protecting me from XW right now because things would still be bad if we tried AGAIN to R and there was no change on her part. Eventually, she would leave again. I try to keep that viewpoint in mind....that I am not being spiritually ignored or punished, but protected. Looking at where I think XW is....I think that is true.
Smart friend. He/she may well be right. If there is any love left, perhaps He doesn't want it to be extinguished until His work on her is done. Either way, it's time to fully open that cage door- in time, YOU will get to decide whether to keep it open for her return.
Dear Crimson...this came to me tonight from a spiritual site and I immediately thought of you. We all hope you'll find your own joy soon. Enjoy! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Welcoming Happiness
At least once in your lives, possibly more your trust has been broken, your hearts felt as if they were going to fall apart in thousands of pieces, where you were treated poorly by another through thoughtless words, actions, where their negative thoughts were expressed through choices that may have brought out feelings of anger, resentment, deep-rooted sadness and upset.
Experiencing pain is a normal part of human existence, when you feel pain of any kind, it is a reminder to you that you are alive; it also reminds you why that pain is there. And when that pain is the result of someone’s thoughtless choices through words and actions that pain can linger if you allow it. Many times you permit the pain caused by others to stay for indefinite amounts of time, you relive the memory making it harder to let it go when letting it go is what you need to do in order to heal from the hurt.
When you hang on to the pain, it can fester and prevent you from feeling truly happy and create dis-ease in your physical body. In addition when you are unable to let go of a painful experience, this hold can create strains on relationships, cause distractions within your workplace and quick temper to be directed at family members and close friends. When you are still stuck in the painful memory it can be very difficult for you to open yourself up to new people and new directions because you scared to trust, to love and to be your Self again. Unfortunately dear ones when you don’t let go of the painful memory or situation you become trapped in a viscous cycle of anger and hurt and this cycle unless you stop it will prevent you from seeing the beauty of life that is thriving all around you, including the beauty of your Self.
Just as it’s important to feel, it’s just as important to let go. It is essential to be able to forgive in order for you to move on and be happy once again. Forgiveness is an essential part of letting go, yet at the same time it doesn’t mean you have a big eraser that is rubbing away the past or forever removing the painful memory and it doesn’t change the other person’s behaviour. What forgiveness does dear ones is help you to remove the guilt and to let go of the pain and anger and allows you to move forward towards a better happier place.
Forgiveness is not easy as you must be at a place of readiness to not only forgive the person or persons that caused your pain, but you must also forgive yourself. We don’t want you continuously reliving the painful situation or memory. We want you to experience joy, peace and happiness as well. We encourage you to put a stop to the feelings and emotions that are preventing you from moving forward and let go of the past that has had such a tight grip on you for too long.
If you are still holding on to that pain and hurt and it seems impossible at this time to forgive understand the process of forgiveness doesn’t occur over a single day. We suggest at first, you commit yourself to some changing. When you are willing to bring in a couple new changes in the pattern of your thinking you are demonstrating that you recognize that you have been suffering due to the pain caused by another and want the suffering to end and happiness to come back.
Then we want you to think about the pros and cons of the situation. This is a time for reflection, for inner healing, self-love and self-care. Ponder such questions regarding the situation such as; “Does this situation or past event affect my work or family?” or “Does this situation or past event prevent me from moving forward?” There are other questions that will lead from these ones and we want you to be honest and truthful with the answers that you discover for they are there to teach you, to show you what needs to be changed in order to bring about new directions and growth for the path you are on. After you think and contemplate all that this situation or past event has brought, then allow yourself to consider all the positive benefits forgiveness will bring into your life—think about how much happier you’ll be when you are able to truly put the past behind you where you are not longer in the grip of pain when the situation is ever brought up again.
Try to keep in mind dear ones that you always have a choice. Even though you cannot control the actions or words of others, you are able to control the actions, feelings, thoughts, words and choices that are yours. You do have a choice dear ones to not relive the hurtful situation continuously…you do hold this power, each of you does. You just need to remember that this power is inside of you and to put into effect it.
We know when you are feeling hurt from someone else’s actions it can be hard to empathize but that is another way of not allowing the pain of the situation to over power you. If this person is lashing out, or their behaviour is inappropriate, try to put yourself in their shoes. Try to understand what could be affecting them so much that they did what they did, or said what was spoken. Try to think that this person really is not bad; simply they made a wrong choice. Try to think what this person might be thinking at the time, what could have happened to him/her in the past that has caused them to be this way now. Try to think about what their feelings are at this time, what pain they might be in and observe from their body language and non-verbal communication what they are feeling now. This does not condone what was done or said, but it does mean you are trying to understand and empathizing helps remove some of the pain you would normally have felt. Empathy allows you to connect to their humanness.
Sometimes it is can hard to see any responsibility you have had in the situation that have brought out certain events to take place or for the situation to happen. But each person has a responsibility in any situation they are part of. It is important dear ones to try and figure out which part you could have been partially responsible for in order for the event or troubling situation to happen. Think honestly dear ones of what could you have done differently that would have prevented the situation from getting out of control. Then think about how you can prevent this same situation from happening in the future to or with another person. Remember dear ones; you are not victims in this life at any time even though at times you find yourself in a victim role. In truth you are all participants trying to reach a certain goal, end or finish that you have agreed to before this life time.
When you’ve had ample time to think about past events and the hurt that was buried there, bring yourself back to present time and focus in the NOW moment. Realize dear ones that the past is over. It has taught you what you needed to learn and its time to move on. What happened in the past is not happening now, it can only happen in your mind if you allow it to set up residence there. Look at your life right now. Determine what new ways can bring in more joy. Look for directions that will lead you towards happiness, and where you can enjoy the thriving beauty that is all around you. Even when you have removed yourself from the painful past you’ll still have moments where you think about those events, but they will no longer be painful, you will be able to simply acknowledge that they happened and bring yourself back to the present without any harm done.
As you become more focused on the present moment, allow peace to filter back into your life. Pay attention to your breathing. Try to think about each exhale of breath is the pain of the past leaving, being released from not only your mind but from your body as well. Now think about each inhaled breath being peace that enters your body as well as your mind and it fills up every part of you with calm. Release this pain dear ones, finally let it all go. Allow peace and happiness to enter your life and move forward as you are meant to.
When you are finally ready to forgive the past, the person or persons and yourself understand you are actually realizing its time to allow yourself to be the happy person you have been and will be once again and its time to move forward. Allow yourself to feel compassion and empathy for the ones who have wronged you and wish them well. Don’t hold onto grudges as grudges and other similar actions of feelings hold you back; they don’t provide liberation from the painful situation that you are letting go. Genuinely love them for who they are and wish them happiness. In time dear ones, you will be able to do this without resentment and the pain and anger from the situation will simply be a thing of the past and you have your whole life literally ahead of you. Don’t allow a past situation prevent you from enjoying life. Give yourself the love and care you deserve and remember time is your friend. Don’t rush this healing, allow it to come. Be nourished and healed from its energy that is bound in love from God. Let yourself rise from the darkness of the past and bask in the glorious light of the present. Know that God is with you, shining this illuminated path for you to take and God also knows you will come through stronger, wiser and ready to take on new challenges better than before, now it’s just up to you to believe.
