I have to ask... Why in the world did you say that to your wife and the OM?
Never... Never... and I mean NEVER... make a threat you are not prepared to back up. The same goes for ultimatums. If you don't follow up you will lose your credibility.
This just seems like a poor course of action to me.
The day after my W confessed to her EA, I sent a text to the OM warning him to stay away from my W or I would tell his W about the A. I meant it.
Weeks later, I got proof that the EA was ongoing. I found the OM's W's work phone # online. I called and asked for her, fully intending to expose the A to her at that moment. But, she no longer works there. Keep in mind, my motivations were purely anger and revenge at that moment.
Within days, I confronted my W and confirmed with her that I knew the EA was still ongoing. She said she wanted a D. I agreed to a D. She asked me if I had tried to call the OM's W and I told her, yes and that I still intended to tell his W. My W told me that she would never forgive me if I told the OM's W. I slept on it, awoke the next day in D mode and thought, what's the point in having an angry wife going through the D process, so decided not to expose the A at that point.
Within the next few weeks, my W let me know she didn't want a D. I realized I didn't want a D either. I thought we were reconciling and then I discovered the EA was still ongoing.
I talked to my W Fri morning to see if she would come clean regarding the A. She lied. Then, I let her know that I knew she was lying. I told her that I was considering telling the OM's W, no longer out of anger or revenge, but to put pressure on the OM to end the A. And that brings us up to date on my sitch.
I'm new to DB. I just got the book. So far, there don't seem to be much in the way of strategies on how to deal with an ongoing A. But, I realize that I've been pretty much doing everything opposite of the DB method up to this point. Lol!
Oh well. Can't go back now. Time to move forward. At least I'm not all weepy and sad anymore. I have detached a lot from the emotional roller coaster I was riding.
You are correct though, none of the 3 of us in this triangle have much credibility up to this point. So far, we have all been full of BS.
I've now got the OM's physical address. I can go out and expose the A to his W tomorrow at her home while her H is working. Should I do it? I could also send her a Fed Ex Letter. Under these circumstances, is this type of exposure a good strategy at this point?
I wouldn't. You don't want to be the bad guy if you want to reconcile with your wife. Revealing the affair to the OM's wife will make your wife angry and upset with you.
Me 38 Her 38 Daughter 7 Married 11 Together 16 BD 3/21/14 Moved out 3/8/15 D final 3/11/15
If you're going to do it, do it face to face. Not the coward's way. Tell his W for HER benefit. Not yours. She should be protected if in case your W gives the OM something.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Bottom line is that you threatened the OM twice with this. I think because you already did this, you have to follow through or else they are going to think you aren't going to ever do it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Bottom line is that you threatened the OM twice with this. I think because you already did this, you have to follow through or else they are going to think you aren't going to ever do it.
I agree. It's time to bite the bullet.
I would have been out there today talking to his W but I had to stay at home with my son who has a cold. I plan to go out there in person tomorrow. I wish the house wasn't so far away. If she's not there I guess I'll have to go to the backup plan of sending a Fed Ex letter.
Is there such a rush as to resort to FedEx rather than in person?
FedEx means paper - which means copies that will go to everyone involved, their lawyers, etc., etc. forever. It can also mean libel in the case of unsubstantiated claims.
In person means you talk, you get reaction, you may learn something from other person, there's no paper trail...
And you really want to think this exposure thing through...
In my case, as I was tormenting myself as to whether or not to expose A, my W suddenly ended A because she felt is was not in her best interest. Just like that. She couldn't live with it anymore. [10 days and counting...]
I am much happier that she ended it, rather than it having ended by me, OM or OM's W, because right now, she can't blame me for controlling her life, and OM and his family can quietly fade away. We have enough trouble without OM's W dumping all over us.
By exposing, you are guaranteed to shake things up. But realize that you're adding more emotional people to the mix that you have absolutely no control over.
And so what is your plan of action after you do so to deal with the fall out?
I could use some help formulating a fallout plan.
Originally Posted By: zew
Things to consider:
Is there such a rush as to resort to FedEx rather than in person?
FedEx means paper - which means copies that will go to everyone involved, their lawyers, etc., etc. forever. It can also mean libel in the case of unsubstantiated claims.
In person means you talk, you get reaction, you may learn something from other person, there's no paper trail...
That is true. Great info!
I should try to contact her in person multiple times. Anyway, I need to be in person to show her proof.
If I do feel a need to contact her via Fed Ex because multiple attempts at a face-to-face meeting failed, I'll be sure not to spell anything specific out in the letter. I'll keep it vague thanks to your excellent info.
Example: "Hi, S____ this is K____, D____'s husband. I have something important to tell you regarding your H and my W. Please call me ASAP (000)-000-0000." I
