Had a good day today, got a lot accomplished business and personally.
Sitting in my back yard ATM, having a beer with my cat, waiting for my gf to come for quick visit... then on with a conference call from my discovery weekend to keep me on track...
Im grateful that I am accountable to this phone call, as much as it is disrupting my visit with my friend.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Some of the comments on this thread are just down right cruel. MM is finding her way. Why not applaud and encourage her on her journey. It takes some longer than others to understand the advice that they've been asking for and that's ok. Some of the people here are very fragile and need to be encouraged to seek professional counseling. No one here is a substitute for that. In fact, poor advice can do harm. I believe this forum was started as a place where people can be vulnerable and share with others in similar circumstances. If not, it should be shutdown. Maybe it's time for some of you to move on.
I just read this thread, not the previous ones. Sounds like you are trying pretty hard MM. I agree with GM- this is a place to come to be vulnerable. None of us can be with the no. 1 person we are supposed to be vulnerable with right now, so we come to the DB.
Sometimes though it is good for us to hear some bold truth (opinion)the same way our spouses would have dished it out IMO.
May God bless you MM and help you find what you are looking for.
We let their opinions shape us so much. It IS tough to detach and learn to love ourselves again. My W had me convinced I was not a good enough parent or husband. I know better, but the craziness we see and hear can twist us up bad.
BD OM EA 9/2013 ICAYBDNLY 10/2013 I Move out 1/2014 Separation draft sent 5/2014 S13 S13 S9
I think it's important to read all of Magic's threads to get a real feel for both sides. I can sympathize with both and I think some posters have gone above and beyond when trying to help Magic.
I mentioned a while back that I suspect Magic has some issues beyond the scope of this board. I quit posting. I hope, Magic, you continue to build your support outside of this virtual world.
When someone continues to hit a brick wall, over and over, and continues to frustrate those, possibly ill-equipped to help your particular issues, it becomes obvious something else is going on.
I'm in no position to name what that "it" may be, but it's big enough to stop up any progress you can make here.
I hope I'm wrong Magic. I do. And, I agree, if posters feel this is going nowhere, then, it's time to move forward without adding insult to injury.
"You can't save 'em all Hasselhoff." --Chris Rock
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
as mentioned, I knew and understand there will be skeptics...thats OK. They can either participate (with gentle firmness), watch from the sidelines, or leave...its ok.
I came to this board to be vulnerable.... to learn & heal.
To agree with LoisB... It is important to read ALL of my threads.
The real "issue" that I had was not understanding HOW to be authentic & get/speak/see/understand my truth. To find/figure my OWN answers and to trust myself. As mentioned, it came to be clear why this happens (due to my past).... However, I am still working on it. Its important to me to figure out for myself what others see as so clear, so obvious...its a struggle for me. I have always been a willing to learn & participating student.....this is what frustrates the others.
I believe I still have plenty of support here on the boards...
~cheers~ to the ones who have stuck by me, (it has not been an easy task)
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
MM, I've been reading your threads off and on for a while. Granted we have all experienced frustration when we try to help others who genuinely want to be helped, but don't seem to be able to move forward. I believe you truly want to heal from this experience. Part of that is self respect. Allowing others to walk all over you and shame you out of their own frustration is a wake up call in its self. Stop allowing others to do this. Learn to set boundaries. You are not so desperate for advice on these boards that you will take it at all costs. Instead, figure out how to get the one-on-one, face-to-face counseling that will help you along. MM, you can do this, but you need to start helping yourself. Your life is precious. Please make yourself the priority.
golf mom, there are some of us that have tried to get MM to understand how it all works. we've tried many different techniques, both gently and otherwise. so i'll take your advice, wish MM the best of luck, and i will not post to her again. i hope you take my place and give her constant support.
take care MM. i hope you get it.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
"The whole premise of this site is in saving a relationship on the brink"
I made this ^^^^^^^ my SOLE focus. I didn't realize the importance of self value and self respect as part of it. I also was focused on only HIS feelings/responses not my own. I purposely set aside the importance, so that I could FOCUS on saving my relationship.
I need to never mind how HE feels/thinks so much and be more concerned about my own. With that said, this is my current position/all details:
Have said "no thanks" for coffee for 4 days in a row.... said no, when I wanted to (as I did want to still feel his connection), I also wanted him to still feel my connection, said no because I really wasn't thirsty for coffee (but again, still wanted his connection) said no because I don't want his crumbs, said no because I deserve better.
He has brought coffee to work when I declined, and will sit and drink it alone. I puttered off to do other work, within his view.
I guess, he will eventually stop asking if I want coffee....
The last 2 nights he has made statements of "ok, Ive got stuff to do" and has left work before me... kind of rushing out...like I used to do to create busy/mystery.
A situation has arrived that my DD will need a ride into the city tomorrow. Two nights ago, I asked her to ask him for a ride (not just me.... I figured I could go one trip and he could do another), his reply was that he would talk to me about it and see what we could come up with. This seemed odd to me, as he could have just said to her "sure, I'll take you one way".
The next morning, he brings it up... asking me if i have plans on Saturday night (as we work Saturday), he was careful on his wording but it suggested that we go together to pick her up on Saturday night. That she could take the train into the city as it would be safe and day light.
Heres the dilemma: As I don't want to play games, and I want to respect myself and stand for my boundary, but still wanting to keep that first statement as my ultimate goal. (just not at the cost of losing my self value anymore). I know I am not ready to be around him, it would just hook me.... so I should probably just say that I will manage and get her myself.
I also want to go, because I want to show myself that I will not be hooked... I just don't think I am ready yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today: Will start my day with some exercises, light cleaning & then focus on some work stuff until our usual 4-6 office hours.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Well, Friday night some truths came out ....... I invited some friends over (married couple), that was part of a small group that I socialize and am personal with. They filled me in on some stuff that was happening & I was involved in something that I had no clue of. Long story short, a male "friend" had been lying to several people about me and trying to sabotage my chances of reconciliation with Xbf. He was saying untrue stuff about me to friends, even sending a letter to church about me and calling Xbf...ALL because I rejected him. Anyway, this made me sick. I brought it up yesterday and explained it all to dbf... THIS is why he has always felt that I had a bf, and it kept him at arms length during that time. He also admitted that since he thought I had moved on, then so did he & thats why he got involved with the OW. That this guy called him in the night & made my xbf so bothered, that he stopped wanting to share drinks (same cup), with me for fear that he didn't know what I had done with my mouth. He was disgusted with me. He said hearing this, led him into different behaviours. I gave him explanations and read him messages from my phone from my trusted friends. He said he believed me.
This led to some R talk, and eventually how he just isn't ready to commit. That he is not "there" yet. He does want to be in a committed R, again...just not sure its with me because he is scared of our history of arguing. He wants to date and see where it goes, he just can't commit. (I didn't understand this... at the moment)
He asked again about picking up my daughter... he wanted to go with me (this is new because he believes that it only takes one person to do the job)... he wanted to spend time with me, hang out before & then go for dinner. I told him I was unsure, as what was the point. (in my head: why bother, if you don't want to commit??).
I had been texting with my gf's during this time, and they asked.... can't I just go and have fun... no expectations, just fun?? Try turning this around. Be non-committal, just wanting fun & to "check" him out. <<<<< this is how I need to view things. Basically interview him and see if I even like him again.
So... I told him that I would go out with him. Joked that it was a "date" and would pick him up in an hour or so. That I wanted to go clean up and change. He said that I already looked nice.
When I went to pick him up.... He couldn't stop looking at me... I know I looked nice, new leopard print MK zippered jeans, tall boots, black leather jacket, gold jewellery. Kinda biker but sexy/classy. Him: Clean sweatshirt, jeans, cologne.. LOL (he doesn't have the clothes to dress up).
Before we got in the car, I grabbed his hands looked him in the eye and said: "Lets just have a fun night, no expectations"..... so we did. It was a fun night, we smiled, laughed and had interesting conversation. Until, I got spooked. I was having fun but then reality hit me that he could be with another woman tomorrow, if he wanted. This led to a discussion of exclusivity that he said he has no problem being exclusive to me... So... this is where I am. I told him that I would consider "dating", if he was prepared to be exclusive. Me only. A safe environment to see if we are what we want in a couple, without other outside interests... no commitment/not guarantees. And to have fun, without all the deep heavy talks...for now. I apologized for wrecking the mood, but that I was scared.
Although, I am skeptic.... I don't believe it was lip service, but I do need to ensure that he understands the full extent of exclusive. He said he did... and he had no problem with it. He just doesn't want the labels at the moment... or to feel trapped, I guess. So that incase it doesn't work between us that he didn't commit (for now) and end up re-hurting me, until we decide to take it to the next level. He also asked about our financial agreement... I said keep it going full steam ahead.
It was then time to go pick up my DD from her event. We sat outside the car and our convo got light hearted & flirty. We started having sex talk. (His fav. subject), this made him laugh and get excited. It was very playful..... this convo was fun. Then DD came out, and we headed back home. She shared her enjoyment of the night, we all laughed and enjoyed each other. We discussed my situation of that threatening guy and she shared her thoughts and I'm sure it made Xbf feel ALOT better, knowing that the guy was delusional in his thought process about me. When we dropped Xbf off at the house, I needed to switch seats, etc... he reached out to hug me, I hugged back (nice hug) and we agreed that we had a fun/nice night...
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
