I'm new and just now reading Divorce Busters. What is the standard Michelle-W-D stance on exposing an A to the OM's (or OW's) spouse? Is that a no, no here? I can definitely see that blanket exposure to everybody (family, friends, work) can create problems. However, an A clearly needs secrecy to survive in most cases. I can't help but think that exposing the A to the spouse will help end it. I realize that every sitch is different but please school me on the DB general strategy in this specific area.
Personally I believe his W should know. But you have to be sure it's not out of a place of anger or revenge for you. And to be honest, there is always going to be a little bit of anger and revenge. After you do that, however, you will have to deal with the circumstances that come along with it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes, like the fact that no matter what OM says or does he will be right and no matter what you say or do you will be wrong. I say don't expose, it never works out well. And do you really think she doesn't know? Cheaters are never as smart as they think they are.
Exposing my now X's affair brought me nothing but grief. The OW in my situation still blames me for her divorce! And OW's retaliations have been very hurtful to me. You have no idea how much crazy you might be messing with.
Right now you are hurting and wanting to save your marriage. Tread carefully and keep reading threads. The answers are all here!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
My brother thinks I should expose the A to the OM's W but I think his reasons may be suspect. I have no interest in revenge at this point. I think exposure could provide leverage to help end the A but it is a bit like launching a grenade and hoping nobody gets hurt. The strategy is risky but I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and ready to try strong measures.
...Exposing my now X's affair brought me nothing but grief. The OW in my situation still blames me for her divorce! And OW's retaliations have been very hurtful to me. You have no idea how much crazy you might be messing with...
Often, people want to kill the messenger...It's misplaced blame. Completely illogical but you can't fix crazy.
Jrock, you seem like you are not really on the fence about this...its seems like you really think exposing is the way to go.
I did read your statement about the blanket exposure, but you seem to have clearly differentiated telling his wife vs. yours and hers family and friends.
So I will ask you this: What's your hesitation? There must be something in the back of your mind that prompted you to ask everyone-what's your concern deep down?
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
Jrock, you seem like you are not really on the fence about this...its seems like you really think exposing is the way to go.
I did read your statement about the blanket exposure, but you seem to have clearly differentiated telling his wife vs. yours and hers family and friends.
So I will ask you this: What's your hesitation? There must be something in the back of your mind that prompted you to ask everyone-what's your concern deep down?
I've been wrestling with this for more than a month. I think exposing the A to the OM's W could help to end it, but beyond that, I can't control how everyone will react. Obviously, there are possible risks.
I think this will bring sadness to the OM's W. That bothers me. The OM's W could retaliate against my W. The OM might retaliate against me. My W will be angry and she'll probably pull away in the short term. My W might retaliate against me for informing the OM's W.
I've actually already told my W that I had been thinking about telling the OM's W, not out of revenge but to apply leverage. I've told the OM that I've considered telling his W. I know that's like telegraphing my battle plan to the enemy. I thought it might help motivate them to stop the A but they simply became a bit more discreet.
I have to ask... Why in the world did you say that to your wife and the OM?
Never... Never... and I mean NEVER... make a threat you are not prepared to back up. The same goes for ultimatums. If you don't follow up you will lose your credibility.
This just seems like a poor course of action to me.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
