Hi GM... nope, hasn't changed... still my ULTIMATE/main goal.
My immediate goal is to see him for who he is, not put words in his mouth and see (actually look) if he is who I need him to be. Does he have what it takes, etc? He says he wants to be in a commitment again. To have EVERYTHING that it represents and EVERYTHING that we used to be.
I need to SEE this.
Right now... I just need some light hearted fun... take the "heavy" out of things.
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I will keep your point in my view GM... it is ULTIMATELY what I need.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Heather... not sure I understand that concept. My time right now is figuring out if HE is someone I can spend the rest of my life with. Looking at him for who he IS... who he strives to be. The REAL him.
I will ponder what you are saying.
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Earlier today he texted while I was at church to see if I wanted to be involved in his cousin's business/visit. I did... but, thought we could use the space after the nice night. As my landlord and new purchasers wanted to come through at the same time anyway. So, I told him and to say Hi for me.
About 45 mins later, he texts to see if he can pop by to pick up his jacket (it was in a vehicle I have). I told him that I was just out of the shower, and for him to come get it later, after all the commotion was done. and coffee? (I decided to extend an olive branch to see if he would accept)... I think I would have been fine, if he had declined as I knew that he had work arrangements set up for same time. He wrote back "coffee would be nice", suggesting now would work better for him. I said I was squeezed for time now, maybe coffee later.
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Its 5pm now, waiting for a friend to come visit.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
But, you said he ISN'T right now. You are contradicting yourself. You say he isn't who you need right now in your life, but you still have him in your life. He hasn't changed anything except for what he says. So, why are still playing the game?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather... before I get into a serious, committed relationship....
I am looking at:
* who is this man? * what does he need, want and expect from a woman and a relationship? * given this man's basic nature and way of looking at things, his terms, without violating my standards or giving up what I want and need
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
1. Who am I? 2. What do I need, want and expect from a man and a relationship? 3. How can I be in a relationship of any kind with him without violating my standards or giving up what I want and need? What am I willing to accept in the way of his terms/conditions for a relationship?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I guess it should have been written that way for me (although it was from out of the book I am reading) ...although it does basically say the same thing... I am *watching* him. I need to observe his behaviours & listen to what he *IS* capable of giving, atm. Then, watching to see if he actually wants to be in a committed relationship.
Hearing his "i love you's" yesterday, while I was sharing the awkward drama I was involved in, I can still hear how he has more of his own journey to travel. He needs growth. I am not sure that pushing or by withholding is the right way anymore. He really responded to knowing that I have not been with another man.
GM... he has said he wants to be in a committed relationship, just that he is scared and is not *there* yet. He is not prepared to *work/put effort* on it just yet, like he sees I am. He says *yet*. He views "work/effort" as committing to counselling, etc. He feels he is overwhelmed with work (he is), personal, his dad's recent break up, house hold repairs (sump pump issues), etc..... I understand... totally! Although a temporary excuse that is not a reason, to never be in a committed relationship.
Right now, I see him making efforts to see me regularly (daily coffees, willing to drink out of same cup again & each weekend, 3 in a row)... a HUGE Difference from where we were a year ago. I *hear* that he wants to date, I *hear* that he can offer exclusive, I *hear* that he is afraid to commit fearing that I will bang him over the head with it, if it fails. He does not want to carrot me...he says.
He is doing thing *HIS* way.... I am not going to PUSH him into something he does not want to be in.
Right now, I *hear* that our relationship needs to be light & carefree, less R talk, more fun..... I am going to try that. And, while I do... I will see what I need/want & if its actually still him. He is prepared to be exclusive....
committed: expectations exclusive: safe to explore ourself without fear of outsiders and expectations
.... this is fine, for now. This is part of self-value... not being so eager to demand to have this relationship just for the sake of getting it.... Taking the time to look at it. I think this time, I need to give a little, to get a lot.
I have come to realize that I could totally take advantage here, by offering playful sex, etc... He would be completely vulnerable, get all caught up & I could trap him THIS way. That would be wrong & I would not *know* his truths and if he would *ever* make the efforts that I need to see.
This is TOTALLY about me, being an observer for a change.... not being so desperate to have it back at all cost.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Tx for your concerns ladies, but I think I've got this.... I have got to start trusting myself and my instincts too. Being responsible for my feelings.
I am in a better place. I know that I want commitment, I know that he does too.
It may not be quite the straight/direct road there, but I am in a stronger place now, that I feel I can handle it. I am in the drivers seat of my own self. As long as "I feel" I am able to "date" him safely and that "I can" pull back when it feels like he is taking advantage. That I can "listen" to my own instinct. That I can "look" at him to decide for myself If I am hearing/seeing what needs to be said/done....or if I am being strung along.
He said exclusive is not a problem for him. I believe him and need to trust that.
I am leading at this point. I am focused on myself.... at this point, I WANT to consider him, not be so eager/desperate to have him back....
As long as I keep my feelings in check, not putting his feelings first... then I can do this.
I must watch myself....
NO EXPECTATIONS
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Ya know Magic. Over on my thread, I'm being called on my craaap. I need to hear it. I need to face it.
No offense, I'm sure you are a great person, but you are so full of craaap. You are an expert B.S.-er on Acid.
I still think something else is going on with you that you are protecting like the a heroin addict. Is the addiction to your BF?? Is it an addiction to men?? Is it alcohol?? I have no clue. But, I've lived with this disease too long not to sense it.
I lived with addicts/alcoholics my while life and I hear the same addict B.S. on your thread that I've heard in my life with these people who avoid, avoid, avoid and use every excuse in the book to avoid, avoid, avoid...
Still, not sure why you are here.
This is what I suspect...You got scared because someone in your life rocked the boat and asked more from you. Are you here because your EXBF called you on some behavior and left? And, it scared you?? You thought you'd be alone and you freaked??? Now, it's looking like the status quo is going to stay just that? Same ol, same ol. And, your fear has subsided some??
I'm being harsh with myself today. I'm forcing myself to face some ugly truths.
Here's my harsh feedback for you. I think you like to be the belle of the ball and the center of attention. I'm guilty of that myself.
But, I still don't see you taking any action. Don't waste anyone's time here when others are in so much pain and working so hard to right their lives. It's selfish to do so. Maybe I only notice it because I've been guilty of it myself.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
