Wife is Continuing Affair-When Do I Start LRT? II

[zew]

Me too with the bad day. Maybe it's Mondays.

You don't want to internet expose. Tempting, yes, but it's hard to recover from that. The internet is forever.

[Devaste]

Haha Zew,

Hope it's a Monday thing. I know it's a permanent thing. It's just one of the backbones of their relationship. It would affect their interaction, but most importantly, it would destroy any chance of R

Hope your hanging in there.

Cheers

Dev

[zew]

I'm not, really. Putting that plan together again.

[Devaste]

Sorry to hear that Zee,

Such a tough spot your in. Can't imagine the roller coaster of emotions. Hang in there buddy. It will get better. You've done an amazing job so far. We're in similar but varied situations. Pick your head up and keep going. I remember a few weeks ago you talked about not having the kids with you each morning when you wake up. When I've been down, I remind myself of that to keep focused. Keep your positive changes going and don't let the situation drag you down.

Cheers

Devaste

[Devaste]

So after speaking with my IC, I decided to confront my wife about the fire/oven mitt while sexting at my house incident from last Friday.

I think it went well. I calmly asked if she is using the computer, she said yes. And then I explained that she had left the window open on Friday, and I had seen the sexting that was going on at the time of the fire. I kept my focus and concern completely on her being safe at the house with the kids. I realize I can't control what she does at the house. I reiterated that I would prefer she did not sext from the house or around the kids. However, I realize that if she does I'm powerless.

Overall, she was amazed that I had known about this for several days, and didn't mention it previously. I'm happy with how I handled it. Calmly, strongly, and decisively focused on the safety of the kids

No yelling and no screaming, and it was discussed, she apologized and I have moved on. Hopefully she doesn't do this again

[Devaste]

Bit of a dilemma for me this weekend.

Mother's Day of course.

I've asked the kids what they wanted to get their mom, and each of them have gotten her a present and made a card for her. I'm really struggling to give her anything at all from me. I'm thinking a simple card with something very small would be ok, but it's counter intuitive to what I want to do, which is punish and give nothing. Need to get away from that mind frame.
I know punishing is not helpful.

Any thoughts?

[figgeroni]

maybe a simple card...no need for gifts...a simple card that in essence says, thanks for being a mother to my kids.

or just get her a store bought card and sign your name

[Devaste]

So major backslide tonight,

Trying to figure out a schedule for the weekend, I offered to change to something my W had wanted. I sent a message saying we could discuss it in the AM, and then carried on. Half hour later my phone was full of hateful messages about me being passive aggressive and what a jerk I am, we bring out the worst in each other, she's done, and she takes responsibility for marrying the wrong person due to pressure (as an aside, she was the one that wanted to get married when we did, but it's irrelevant now). She said many hurtful things, and I did as well

Now I feel hopeless and beyond sick that all this is occurring. Part of me knows it is par for the course, but I fear that this time we have created serious damage. Anytime my W doesn't get her way, she accuses me of being passive aggressive and being manipulative etc. Her texts to me this evening were horrid. Currently I have blocked her, however given we have three young children, that may not be the best thing to do,

I do need better boundaries that is for sure. No need to move into more of a legal divorce yet, but a mediated separation agreement may be worthwhile.

These arguments make me question myself. I would like to get some advice if I am indeed being passive aggressive. I think it's perception

I almost feel like I need to start all over again, and any progress I made is long gone. Hello frustration

[Bunches]

Hey Dev, sorry things are rough at the moment. Remember its only been 3 months since BD. I know that seems like an eternity, believe me but some DBers go a whole year or longer before seeing progress. Marathon, not a sprint. Hang in there and keep working on you.

[PeterV2]

Dev, when the W starts spewing you have to smile, be strong, put on your spew jacket and realize that her anger comes from inside her, not because of what you do or say necessarily. She will accuse you of being passive aggressive, she will blame you for all the bad things in her life. Remember, you cannot believe a word she says and only 50% of what she does. She could be extremely conflicted in her head and that pressure causes the meanest things to spew forth. I've seen this in my WAW, especially when she has just been with the OM. She made her bed, now she has to sleep in it. Don't rescue her. Detach from the sitch. Be compassionate but don't try to fix anything. Only she can fix it. But I doubt she's come to the point where she's even thinking.
Remember. put on that spew jacket and carry on regardless.